Summary: '"Do you?" His words ring through the air, his eyes expectantly on her face.' Set right after 10x12. Japril.
AN: Hi! This is my very first attempt at Grey's fanfiction so I hope I got the voices somewhat right. It's an obvious 'what happened after Jackson interrupted April's wedding' kind of story, but I hope some of you get to enjoy it :) I've been struggling with this for weeks and I know the ending is sort of rushed, but I really wanted this done before Grey's comes back and this becomes officially uncanon.
Thank you for reading!
I'll Be the One If You Want Me To
"Do you?" His words ring through the air, his eyes expectantly on her face.
Meredith looks from Jackson to April, from April to Matthew, from Matthew to Cristina, who lifts up a shoulder in response. Alex mumbles something to Jo, whose eyes are on Stephanie. It's silent for a couple of moments, everyone a little too stunned, but then, it's as if everyone snaps out of it.
Matthew storms off. Stephanie does the same. Jackson is still looking at April.
Arizona reaches out to April, but she can't seem to take her eyes of Jackson. Eventually, she turns away and looks at Arizona,
"Can you…" She starts, but her voice falters and she doesn't know what to say anyway. "Just… Everyone is…" She stops again, tries not to think of all the people in the barn still staring at her.
Arizona catches on and nods, giving April a reassuring smile. "I'll take care of it." And then she turns to everyone still sitting there, quietly speculating about what is going to happen. She ushers everyone outside, Meredith and Cristina helping her.
Alex walks past Jackson, gives him a pat on the shoulder, but Jackson can't even look at him. His eyes are still fixed on the bride.
It doesn't take long before they're left alone, all the guests outside, waiting for God knows what. He takes a step forward,
"April, I –"
She holds up her hand and he doesn't get to say more. She shakes her head a few times, trying to gather her thoughts, and when he takes another step closer, she steps back.
"Why?" Her voice is merely a whisper, a puff of breath let out.
His brow furrows, "Why what?"
She fumbles with the fabric of her dress, wrings her hands and she realizes that if Jackson hadn't spoken up, she'd be wearing a ring on her left hand now. She doesn't know if she should be mad or glad that he did. "Why now? I asked you for a reason and you told me to keep you out of it and…"
"I know. I didn't realize how… I can't let you marry someone else. I'm sorry it took me this long to realize it."
April nods, but her head is spinning and she can't keep the thoughts of Matthew and Stephanie and all those people standing outside out of her head. "I have to find Matthew." She then says and his face falls.
She starts walking towards the exit, but he stops her with a hand around her wrist, "Are you… Do you still want to marry him?"
They lock eyes and it's like both their hearts are breaking. "Jackson, please. I just have to find Matthew." She doesn't know what she'll say to him, but she has to find him, has to speak to him. She owes him that much.
Jackson lets go of her wrist, nods once and watches her walk away.
.
.
.
"Nice, man." Alex sits down next to him, his arms resting on his knees, his head turned in Jackson's direction. "Jo's with Edwards, though I think she's actually rooting for you and Kepner."
He lets out a humourless laugh, "Not much to root for, though."
Alex' brow furrows, questioning Jackson. He doesn't care much for all the drama, he can easily think of a hundred ways to do this without it involving Kepner in a wedding dress and the paramedic standing next to her, but Avery is his friend and he sticks with his friends.
"She's gone to find Matthew. She's going to marry the guy anyway." Jackson says and runs a hand over his face. It's not that he regrets speaking up necessarily, he'd just wish the outcome had been better. More rewarding for him. And maybe he does regret it a little bit as well; putting your best friend on the spot like that is probably not the nicest thing to do.
Alex lets out a sigh, rolls his eyes because his friends are unbelievable. "The paramedic left. The wedding's off. Apparently she told him she can't marry him."
"What?"
"Robbins told me. He left, April's in her dressing room." Jackson squints a little, not sure if Alex is being serious. "I'm not messing with you. Why don't you just go after her?" He sounds annoyed, in that typical way of his that Jackson has come to recognize. The way that tells him he thinks people are being ridiculous and stupid and should just do something already.
Jackson nods , pats Alex on the shoulder and gets up, "Thanks, man."
He leaves in search of the dressing rooms.
.
.
.
When he watches her stand in front of the large mirror in her wedding dress, the thought that it's such a cliché passes fleetingly through his head as his breath hitches in his throat. She's beautiful and she deserves everything in the world and more and she was actually about to have it all when he stopped her wedding.
He has to believe they are meant to be together; he can't have done this to her without it having that outcome.
"You look beautiful." Jackson speaks up after a moment, the corner of his mouth twitching upward when she spins around, a little frantically in that way of hers he loves.
She looks up at him, her eyes big and wide, but she doesn't say anything in return. She simply stares at him, so eventually, he decides to say something,
"I heard Matthew left."
April nods, her eyes moving around the room, settling anywhere but on his. "You made me realize I can't marry him." She says softly and he can't help but let himself smile. She's not going to marry Matthew. She can't marry him.
He takes a step closer to her, but she shakes her head ever so slightly. She can't have him near her, not now, not yet. Not when she is still in her wedding dress and things are so incredibly messed up.
"So... What does it mean? That you can't marry him..." Jackson asks tentatively, willing himself to stay put. He wants nothing more than to walk closer to her, wrap her up in his arms because god, he's missed being close to her, but she needed him to stay where he was so he would. His eyes search her face though, but they seem unable to lock with hers.
She takes a deep breath, "I don't know." April says honestly.
"You don't know?"
She starts tugging at her hair nervously, needs her veil out of her hair right now. She removes the pins and lets her curls flow down. Most of all, she wants to get out of her wedding dress, but she can't because Jackson is still standing in front of her and she doesn't know what to say to him now.
She throws her arms in the air, feels her face heathen, "I don't know! I can't marry someone I'm not completely in love with, but this," she says, gesturing between the two of them, "is not okay. I asked you for a reason, I asked for your blessing, Jackson! You told me to marry Matthew. You didn't want me."
She bites her lip furiously and looks at him as his brow furrows. "I do want you. I've always wanted you."
"You didn't. And now, when I'm about to marry someone else, you tell me you love me. You just want what you can't have, Jackson." She wants to cry so badly; wants to curl up on her couch in her PJ's with a enormous tub of ice-cream. She wants to get away from him, away from everything he's always made her feel.
He steps closer to her, simply not being able to stand so far away from her. "That's not true." Jackson says, lifting a hand and letting it rest on the curve of her neck. "I've been stupid and in denial. I was hurt and I thought we would never work anyway. But I love you, April. I really do." His voice sounds so sincere, so genuine, and she believes him. She really does. But it's not all that easy.
A tear slips down her cheek, "You know how I feel about you," April says and his heart skips a beat. He reaches out to brush away her tears but she takes his hand in hers, stopping him before taking a step back. "but I need time to think about this. You can't just expect me to fall back in your arms after everything that's happened."
"April, -" He starts, but she shakes her head once more.
She closes her eyes for a second before she faces him again, "I'd like you to leave now, Jackson."
He feels like he should fight for her, he's just interrupted her wedding, and this can't be it. But she looks so fragile, so ready to let the tears fall, and he's afraid that one more word or action of his will break her.
It's only fair he gives her time, so he nods once, turns around and walks away.
.
.
.
He's not the guy to wait for people to come around. He didn't wait for Lexie to stop being in love with Mark; is not waiting for his dad to actually be his dad. He likes to move forward; is too impatient to wait.
When it comes to April Kepner, however, he doesn't seem to mind the wait. Or rather he does, but it's still better than trying once again to move on, knowing he'll probably fail again anyway.
It's been four weeks since he interrupted the wedding and he's started to feel progressively worse about it. He knows it was selfish, displayed his arrogance in the worst ways. He hurt his best friend, and he's not sure he's ever felt worse about himself. April went straight back to Ohio after the eventful day, needing her family.
After two weeks, she returned from Moline, but in the two weeks she's been back in Seattle, he has hardly seen. He's giving her space; figures that's the gentlemanly thing to do after screwing up so royally. But seeing her turn on her heels every time he even remotely comes close to her is becoming harder and harder to deal with.
When he's leaving the on-call room he used for a couple hours of sleep, he almost runs into her, instinctively reaches out a hand to steady her. She takes a quick step back, not ever looking up to meet his eyes, but when she makes a move to walk away he just can't let her,
"Seriously," He mutters, grabbing her arm and pulling her into the empty on-call room.
"Jackson!" April squeals, pulling away from him. "What are you doing?" She tries to glare at him, but can't really bring herself to do so and he can't help a sigh,
"We need to talk." He tells her and scratches the back of his neck. He's actually nervous about talking to her; it seems ridiculous given how long they'd been friends before it all became more.
She shakes her head a few times; a futile attempt to gather her thoughts. "I told you –"
"I know what you told me, but this is ridiculous. You can't keep ignoring me."
She crosses her arms over her chest, a defensive move that she knows isn't really necessary. He's just trying to sort everything out between them, but she has no clue where to start. She'd thought time would be the answer. If she'd just take her time, things would just sort themselves out. It's been four weeks since her failed wedding though, and she's still as confused as she was that day. "I can if I want to." She says eventually; can tell that he's trying not to roll his eyes.
"And do you?" Jackson asks, the slightest bit irritated even though he's trying not to be.
"Yes. No. I don't know." Her voice grows louder, and she knows that if Alex or Cristina were around right now they'd be laughing at the high pitch. She runs a hand through her curls, looks up at the ceiling for a second before she faces him again. "It's all so messed up, Jackson. I don't know what to do, okay? I was going to marry Matthew. I was going to spend the rest of my life with him and then you decided to get up and interrupt and in a weird way, I'm thankful for that because it would've been so unfair of me to marry Matthew when I couldn't love him as much as he loved me and I didn't deserve him anyway," She's rambling and Jackson wants to speak up, tell her that she deserves everything and more, but he can't get a word in between. "but I don't know what to do now. We hurt each other so much and I'd be crazy to start this whole thing again, but I... I miss you, Jackson. I really miss you. And it's not just my best friend that I'm missing, you know? I miss everything. I had a crush on you for the longest of times and I never thought you'd ever like me back, but now... You do, right? You love me and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that and –"
"April," Jackson finally calls out, his eyes wide and reaches out a hand for her, "stop rambling."
"I don't know what to do, Jackson." She says then, her voice soft again, and lifts a hand to wipe away a tear making its way down her cheek. It only takes a second before Jackson has wrapped her up in his arms.
It's quiet for a long moment, Jackson just holding her, and he's dreading the moment she'll pull away. When she does, she looks up at him, her eyes big, tears dried on her cheeks.
"You're gonna have to make a decision, April. I'm sorry for interrupting your wedding like I did, but I meant what I said. I want you with me. What do you want?" He asks and tells himself this is the last time he does so. He wants to wait for her; wants to keep telling himself that eventually, things will be okay. It's becoming too difficult though and he feels like he should stop. This whole thing is too exhausting for the both of them.
April bites the inside of her cheek, ponders what she's going to say. She wants to tell him again that everything is messed up; that she has no clue what to do, but actually, she does. His green eyes pierce into hers and she realizes she does know what to do, she does know what she wants. She's simply been too afraid, and a bit too angry at him, to go get it.
"I want you." She says, her voice shaky, resembling the way she sounded after the storm, and watches as the corners of his mouth twitch upwards. "I don't know why, because I hate you for being a jerk and putting me on the spot like that. Seriously, it all seems oh-so romantic in the movies, but believe me, it's not and –" She realizes she's starting to ramble again and stops, takes a deep breath before locking eyes with Jackson, "but yeah, I want you."
He smiles that dazzling smile that makes her go weak in the knees, wraps her up in his arms and tells her he loves her.
She smiles back, melts into his kiss, and even though her failed wedding messed things up in so many ways, she can't remember a time she felt this happy.