SALUTE

by Patcat

Bobby says farewell to his Captain

SALUTE

Bobby Goren tried, with little success, to hide inside the dark booth. He stared into the glass of dark, amber liquid on the table in front of him. Alex Eames and Mike Logan had insisted on the need to mark Captain James Deakins' departure from the Major Case Squad in some way. Ron Carver agreed, and Deakins possessed plenty of supporters within the NYPD—enough, Bobby thought, that if his captain wanted to fight Frank Adair's supporters, a civil war might have erupted within the Department. The result was a full scale wake at one of Logan's haunts.

Former captain, Bobby thought as he sipped the strong, burning liquid. He saw Deakins talking with Don Cragen, the captain from SVU. Bobby rarely paid attention to office gossip and politics—Alex frequently chided him for being dangerously out of the loop—but he knew Cragen was highly respected by other officers and those in his squad and disliked by most of the brass. He and Deakins appeared to be commiserating, and Bobby sensed they probably had a lot to commiserate about. He glimpsed Alex speaking with Carolyn Barek and Olivia Benson. Alex was vigorous and animated; Benson seemed quietly sympathetic; Barek was her usual inscrutable self. Bobby knew that Alex was terribly angry—angry at the brass, angry at Deakins, angry at Bobby, angry at herself.

Bobby leaned back in the booth. Alex both loved and hated the NYPD; it had treated her family well and badly. He'd learned enough from her few references and his own sources about Alex's father's troubles with the NYPD to know they were not entirely Johnny Eames' fault. And a small voice in Bobby's mind wondered if the NYPD entirely deserved men like Johnny Eames, Don Cragen, and James Deakins.

Bobby took another sip of his drink. But, he thought, Frank Adair had been a good cop. An exceptional record, numerous commendations, not a hint of corruption or excessive force. A hero, loved by those he led and served with, many of whom couldn't believe Adair was guilty of murder, most of whom would regard Adair as a much better cop than Bobby Goren. Bobby knew that Deakins not only admired and respected Adair, but felt a bond with him that only those who've faced the same terrors and enemies experienced. Bobby understood and knew that bond; he'd felt it in the Army. He sensed that Frank Adair's betrayal of that bond had shaken James Deakins as much as anything ever had.

Bobby wearily rubbed his eyes. He knew from the moment Eames showed him the false email that they were on a dark and dangerous path, but the route of that path surprised him—he expected Alex and himself to be targets. But when Deakins summoned them into his office to announced his decision, Bobby knew the captain had decided to retreat; just as he knew when he was five and his father tried to explain his mother was very sick, or when he was eleven and his barely coherent mother tried to explain why his father would no longer be living with them.

"Maybe it's time for me to go, too," Bobby thought. "Deakins protected me from so much…maybe I won't be able to work with his replacement…maybe the brass has me marked as well…" He looked at Alex. "Maybe…it's time to give her a chance to…to be what she can be…free of her lunatic partner…to get noticed the way she should…" He fingered his glass, rubbing a thumb against the cool, wet, glass. "She should have a real life…a real chance at happiness…" His thumb slid inside the glass, the alcohol inside stinging the small cuts on it. "I could teach…work for the state…private companies…consult…from what Barek's told me the FBI isn't really an option…I

could transfer to another part of the NYPD…"

"Goren." The slurred voice and wavering figure of Mike Logan broke in on Bobby's thoughts. Bobby looked up at Logan; he was clearly the worse for drink.

"Logan," Bobby said quietly and gently. "Here…sit down before you fall down."

He stood and eased Logan into the booth. Catching a waitress' eyes, Bobby ordered two iced teas and sat across from Logan.

"Everyone," Logan blurted out. "Everyone thinks it's my fault."

"It isn't and they don't," Bobby answered quickly. "Eames doesn't think that. I don't think that. This isn't your fault. It's Frank Adair and his cronies."

"That bastard," Logan spat. "I don't care how great a cop he was…or how big a hero…he killed two people…betrayed his friends…the department…he betrayed the uniform."

"Yea," Bobby said. "And about fifty percent of the NYPD agrees with you…and thanks to Eames and her network…" He smiled bitterly. "The whole department know the real reason behind Deakins' resignation…Adair's friends know they're in a war."

Logan returned the bitter smile. "Small comfort…a good man like Deakins…good cop…"

The iced teas arrived, and Logan took a drink. "Hey," he said. "This is just iced tea."

"Just pretend it's a Long Island," Bobby said. "You need something without alcohol."

"Ok," Logan said. "But at least pass me some sugar."

"If it wasn't you," Bobby said firmly as Logan stirred the sugar. "It would've been me."

"But it was me," Logan said darkly. "They used me."

Bobby shook his head. "Only because you were the handiest weapon…face it, Logan, I'm the poster boy for bad behavior in the Major Case Squad."

Logan stared in the depths of his tea. "Yea…I appreciate it, Goren, but I'm not sure I believe it."

"Hey," Bobby said leaning forward. "Believe it." He sipped his tea. "You know…I never really thanked you."

Logan looked at him warily.

"Since you've come to Major Case, life's been easier for me…and, thanks to Barek, I'm not the only "defective detective"." Bobby smiled at Logan's raised eyebrow. "I'm not completely oblivious to office gossip."

Logan tipped his glass towards Bobby. "All detectives should be as defective as the two of you." Logan stiffened. "He's got some fuckin' nerve…"

Bobby turned to see the Chief of Detectives approach Deakins. An awkward silence had settled in the bar, and Bobby noted that Alex was fuming not so quietly.

"Stay here, Logan," he said quietly but firmly. Ignoring the others in the bar, Bobby strode to Alex. His eyes briefly met Carolyn Barek's; Bobby tilted his head towards Logan. Barek nodded and whispered, "Thanks," as she passed him. Bobby stood before Alex.

"How dare he," Alex hissed. Bobby was grateful that she was at least sober enough to keep her voice low.

"Alex," Bobby whispered. "Look at Deakins…he's glad the Chief is here…just by being here the Chief is saying what side he's on…" Bobby was conscious that half of the bar's attention was on Deakins and the Chief; the other half on Alex and him.

Alex glared at him. "Making excuses for everyone, Goren?"

"Not excuses," he answered softly as he subtly maneuvered her to a corner. "Just reality."

"You didn't fight him much, did you?" Alex's voice was a cold, bitter whisper. "You didn't try to get him to change his mind…"

They had reached a corner where, Bobby hoped, few could see or hear her. He knew what she was doing; she couldn't attack the brass, or Frank Adair, or the Chief of Detectives, or James Deakins, but she could attack Bobby Goren.

Alex stared at Bobby. "After all he's done for you…all the times he's gone to bat for you…be believed the worst about Adair because YOU found the evidence…he let you trap Adair in the squad room…" Bobby was grateful that the buzz in the room had resumed. Alex grabbed his jacket and pulled him closer to her. He smelled the lavender, rum, and rage rising from her.

"How many times, Bobby? How many times did he save your neck? And you…you didn't do a thing…when we found that email…when he told us he was resigning…we…" Alex bit her lip, and Bobby knew that she was also furious because she couldn't attack Alex Eames.

"Alex," he said gently. "He'd made his decisions…we couldn't change it…maybe we shouldn't have tried…"

She jerked away from him. "I want to talk to Logan."

Bobby rubbed the back of his neck. "It wasn't Logan's fault, Alex…he feels terrible."

She looked at him with red-rimmed eyes. "I know that," Alex said with some exasperation. "I want HIM to know that."

She pushed past Bobby and made her way unsteadily towards Logan and Barek. Bobby watched her closely until she reached the booth, plopped down next to Logan, and began speaking expressively with him. Over the distance, Bobby and Barek's eyes met; Barek tilted her head in Logan and Alex's direction and nodded. Bobby returned the nod. He felt a sudden, violent need to escape the bar. He headed to a side exit, where a flash of his badge to the bouncer (an off-duty cop) easily allowed him outside.

Bobby shivered in the cold, early spring air; he'd left his coat in the bar. He reflexively reached in his pocket for a cigarette, only to remember he'd stopped smoking.

"I don't know why I bothered," Bobby thought. "Right now I'm ill-inclined to stay in this world any longer than I have to."

He heard the door creak and turned to face the Chief of Detectives.

End Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Bobby's military training snapped into action. He stood at attention.

"Sir?"

"Detective Goren." The Chief of Detectives was weary and polite. "I don't suppose you have an extra cigarette?"

In spite of his wariness and suspicion, Bobby smiled. "Sorry, sir…when I got out here I remembered that I'd stopped smoking."

The Chief studied Bobby carefully, and the younger man felt uncomfortable under the scrutiny. His previous encounters with the Chief had been at various ceremonies when Deakins acted as an intermediary.

"I believe, Detective," the Chief said as if in response to Bobby's thoughts. "I believe this may be the first time I've met you without handing you some token of the Department or the city's appreciation of your work."

Bobby flushed slightly and stared at his feet.

"And," the Chief continued. "Without Detective Eames."

Bobby remained quiet. He believed the Chief's presence indicated he was on Deakins' side—their side—but his allegiances needed to be proven.

"I gather I'm not one of Detective Eames' favorite people," the Chief said.

"Right now," Bobby said cautiously. "She's a bit angry."

The Chief sighed. "Between you, me, and this wall, Goren, she has every right to be angry with the Department."

Bobby's interest rose, but he remained quiet.

"You don't trust me, do you, Detective?"

The blunt question caught Bobby off-guard for only a moment. He was equally blunt with his answer.

"Not completely, sir."

The Chief smiled wanly. "I can't blame you. Just know this…I'm not one of Frank Adair's friends…and he has very few among the brass…we know about the email…we know that Jimmy Deakins saved the department a great deal by not fighting this…"

"That you're here," Bobby said thoughtfully. "It's a signal to Adair and his friends…"

"Partly," the Chief admitted. "But I admire Jimmy…don't always agree with him…but I admire him…He's gone through a lot of change in the last five years. Five years ago Jimmy Deakins wouldn't have stood up for a Mike Logan…" The Chief shook his head. "One of our disagreements."

"Mike Logan," Bobby said in a measured tone. "Is a good cop…and a good man."

"And a P.R. nightmare. I know," the Chief said responding to the shadow in Bobby's eyes. "He's not the same man who punched out that councilman…but Logan was lucky not to get kicked off the force…although…" The Chief chuckled. "Everyone who ever knew that guy wanted to do what Logan did…But you can't punch civilians…Hell, most of the time you can't punch the animals…"

Bobby remained quiet.

"I know," the Chief said. "Not your style…thank goodness…" He moved towards the door and paused. "I suspect…that you're considering your position with the department."

"I hoped," Bobby answered. "I wasn't quite that transparent."

"You're not…I'd hate to get in a poker game with you…but, contrary to opinion, it does take some intelligence to be Chief of Detectives…I can guess that this has raised some serious questions in your mind…just know…your work is appreciated…and one of Jimmy's stipulations was that you and Detectives Eames and Logan be…" The Chief paused. "Well, for lack of a better word, protected. Although it's difficult for me to think of you, and especially, Detective Eames, needing protection…"

Bobby, trying to comprehend both his value to the NYPD and Deakins' generosity and concern, stared again at his feet.

"Just don't make any rash decisions, Detective," the Chief said. "I'd hate to lose any more good people over this."

The Chief left a troubled and confused Bobby Goren.

"Damn," Bobby thought. "I wished I hadn't stopped smoking…I wish I'd remembered to grab my coat…I wish this job…this work…didn't mean so much to me…"

He shivered and stared at the sky. The wind was colder and stronger and the air smelled like rain. The door creaked behind him.

"Damn," Bobby thought. "Try to find some privacy and you're in the middle of Times Square…"

"So this is where you got to, Goren." Mike Logan's words were nearly free of slurring. "Cold out here…but it feels good after the bar. You forget your coat?"

"Yea…and I was leery of running into Eames…"

"Don't worry…Eames sent me out to look for you." Logan grinned at him. "She said she wanted to apologize to you…that was after she apologized to me…I told her she didn't have anything to apologize for, except maybe for the amount of rum she's drunk."

"Someone's with her?" Bobby asked with concern. "She's not alone?"

"Barek and Benson…She's ok, I swear." Logan raised his fingers in the Boy Scout salute.

"Yea, they'll take care of her." Bobby was clearly relieved.

Logan examined the skyscrapers above them. "Well, it was nice to be in Major Case for a while," he said. "I'll be lucky if I get back to Staten Island." He shrugged. "It was good working with and next to you, Goren. You're the best detective I've ever seen…and a good guy…for what it's worth, you're good in my book."

Bobby couldn't speak. These were the sort of words he dreamed of his father or brother saying to him before they gave up on him and he gave up on them.

"Goren? You ok?" Logan stepped towards Bobby.

"I…I'm fine…" Bobby found his voice. "Listen, Logan, I wouldn't be planning a trip to Staten Island…or anywhere…I suspect Major Case is going to be stuck with you for a while."

Logan wasn't completely sober, but he also wasn't so drunk that he couldn't piece together the information behind Bobby's words.

"Deakins. He cut a deal," Logan said in wonder.

"Yea…but don't feel too special…Eames and I…mostly me, I suspect…she doesn't need it…benefit from it, too." Bobby half smiled.

"Damn." Logan shook his head. "I guess I gotta stay now." He moved towards the door. "I'll let Eames know you're ok."

"Logan?" Bobby asked hesitantly.

"Yea…"

"Thanks…for what you said…it…coming from you…it means a lot."

Logan turned and studied Bobby; he realized the other detective was enormously grateful for his few words.

"It's ok…I meant it." And he left Bobby.

End Chapter 2

Chapter Three

Logan didn't get far; he opened the bar door to discover Deakins on the other side.

"There they are," Deakins said. "Ocean's Two."

Bobby and Logan stared blankly at him. Deakins smiled. "Ask Alex or Carolyn," he said genially.

Bobby examined Deakins. His captain (as Bobby still thought of him) was remarkably calm and good natured. Deakins wasn't a hundred per cent sober, and Bobby wouldn't let him behind a wheel, but the older man appeared in much better shape than Logan or Alex. "Or me," Bobby thought.

"What are the two of you doing out here?" Deakins asked. "Already plotting ways to drive your new captain crazy?"

Bobby shook his head. "I just came out here for some fresh air."

"And I," Logan said, jerking his head towards Bobby, "came out here to find him…and now that I have…I need to report to Eames." He moved past Deakins and hesitated. "Again…I can't say enough," Logan said. "Thank you."

"You want to make it up to me, Logan," Deakins replied. "Show them all how good a cop you are. Step into 'em."

"Yes sir," Logan said and entered the bar.

Silence settled over Bobby and Deakins. Bobby failed to find the words to express his gratitude, his respect, his admiration for the older man, and thought that even if he did they wouldn't be what Deakins would want to hear. Deakins couldn't find the words to express his gratitude, his appreciation, his affection for the younger man, and he thought that even if he could they would only haunt Goren. Almost instinctively, each man attempted to read the other—both were NYPD detectives, after all, and while Bobby Goren currently reigned as an acknowledged Grand Master, Jimmy Deakins had been a great detective in his day. Reading people was what they did; they did it in the same manner others breathed. For all of their respective skills and experiences, neither man could completely solve the other. Deakins frequently found the whirlwind activity of Bobby's brain incomprehensible and eventually learned to wait for Alex's translations and trust both detectives. Bobby couldn't fathom Deakins' interest in—indeed, his apparent enjoyment of—the political aspects of his job. At the moment, Bobby found Deakins strangely resigned to his resignation, while Deakins found Bobby oddly subdued.

Bobby shivered slightly.

"You should have your coat," Deakins said in an almost fatherly tone.

"I know," Bobby answered. "But I'd have to go past Al…Eames…to get it…and I didn't want to chance it…"

Deakins smiled. "I can understand that. Truth be told, I'd rather deal with you than an angry Alex any time."

Bobby leaned against the brick of the bar's exterior. "You never underestimated her," he said. "She's the important one…the one who really works…" He stared into the sky.

"Bobby." Deakins' voice regained its fatherly tone. "You don't have to tell me about your partnership…I put you together…I know how valuable you both are…how hard you both work…I know Alex brings plenty of brains to it…and that you don't just pull theories out of the air…"

Bobby couldn't meet Deakins' eyes. "Thank you," he said in a near whisper. "Thank you for the partnership…"

"I thought it had a chance…I knew, at least with you, that Alex's size and gender wouldn't matter…and I knew with her that she'd give you every chance." Deakins smiled. "I may not be a genius at it, but I know a little about human psychology."

Bobby struggled; expressing his emotions to anyone—let alone a male authority figure, he thought—was not an accustomed experience. "For the partnership…for everything…thank you…" He turned to look down the alley and shivered from more than the cold air. Bobby heard Deakins step towards him.

"Please," Bobby thought. "Don't…no slap on the shoulder or "just doing my job"…or…please…I can't…"

"I should really be thanking you, Bobby," Deakins said in a husky voice.

"I…you let me do my job…gave me every chance…protected me…"

"Not the job, Bobby…although you're the best detective I've ever seen…no question…you have every skill…the knowledge…the interrogation skills…I've never seen anyone as good in the room…the ability to put things together…and then you just work harder than anyone…it's not just a job…it's a vocation for you…you've made me look very, very good."

"I also gave you more grief than the rest of the squad put together," Bobby said, still looking down the alley.

"Well, at least until Mike Logan showed up," Deakins said.

Bobby glanced at him quickly.

"But…" Deakins hesitated and considered the wisdom of revealing too much. Whether the results of the alcohol he'd consumed or the knowledge that this would be the last opportunity to express his thoughts and affection for Bobby, Deakins breached the barriers between them.

"There's a much more important way that you and Alex saved me…you may have saved my soul."

End Chapter Three

Chapter 4

"You and Eames reminded me why I became a cop."
Deakins paused, uncertain of how he should continue.
"Why did you become a cop, Bobby? I've always been
curious about that. You're one of the smartest people
I've ever known. What you know, how much you know...I
know the Army wanted to keep you...that the FBI, the
CIA, intelligence agencies I've never heard of want
you...you could have been a teacher...you know more
about more stuff than most college professors...you'd
be a great psychologist...a lawyer...almost any kind
of scientist...Why the NYPD?" Deakins looked at Bobby.
"I joined the force because in my neighborhood you
either became a crook or a cop...it was decent pay for
a guy who hadn't finished college and had a wife and
baby...and..." He smiled. "And believe it or not...I
wanted to help people." His voice was gentle. "But
you, Bobby...why a cop? And why the NYPD?"

Bobby rubbed the back of his neck. Deakins recognized
it as one of the detective's signs of agitated
thinking.

"I'm sorry," Deakins said with genuine regret. "I have
no right..."

"Yes...yes you do," Bobby said softly. "All you've
done for me...the chances you're taken...you deserve
to have at least one mystery solved." He looked into
the sky for a moment. "The truth is...I'm not sure I
know the answer...but..." He began to speak
deliberately, as if he attempted to find some
understanding as he spoke.

"It was a natural step from Army Intelligence...I
needed to be near my mom...but...that thing about
helping people..." Bobby and Deakins' eyes met
briefly. "That was there...and it was strong...I
wasn't a saint or anything...but...it was
important...and I remembered when I was a kid..."
Bobby swallowed. Few people in the NYPD--few people at
all--knew much about his childhood. Alex, of course,
knew as much as anyone, but Bobby had little idea of
what Deakins knew. The captain made occasional
inquiries about Bobby's mother, and Bobby sensed that
Deakins kept a close watch on Bobby's sanity. And,
Bobby considered, that scrutiny changed over the
years, from profession to personal concern.

Deakins waited quietly for Bobby to continue. He
sensed the younger man needed to speak, and, for his
part, Deakins sensed he needed to listen.

"When I was a kid," Bobby said again. "There were a
couple of times...my mom...she had a couple of
episodes...someone called the cops...and they...the
cops...they were great...they were kind to me...I was
scared and they told me things would be ok...and
usually they were..." He swallowed. "And once..." All
of Bobby's body language--something he usually
carefully controlled--told Deakins that he was dealing
with memories with terrors that his words only hinted
at. "Once...my dad and brother...they...they...I'm not
sure who called the cops or why...but one of the cops
talked to them...and he told me to call him if they
ever tried it again...it...it helped...my dad and
brother were pretty much cowards..."

Bobby glanced at Deakins. "I knew cops could help,"
Bobby said quietly. "I wanted to do that...and
then...it turned out that I was good at being a
detective..." Bobby shrugged as he dismissed his
talents. "All those things I'd read...all the things
I'd learned...it just seemed to fit."

Deakins, with a shock, realized that in the last few
minutes he'd learned more about Bobby Goren than he
had in the previous five years. He had some idea of
the difficulties of Bobby's childhood, most of them
coming from a few comments from Alex and even fewer
from Bobby, but to have his suspicions confirmed or
realize the detective's situation was worse than he
imagined gave Deakins pause. He studied Bobby, who
stood still, his shoulders slumped and hands in his
pockets, staring down the alley.

"Thank you for answering, Bobby," Deakins said softly.
"Whatever the reason...the NYPD is lucky...very
lucky...to have you..."

Both men fell into a surprisingly comfortable silence.
Bobby turned slightly toward Deakins. "You
said...Alex...I...saved you. What did you mean?"

Deakins stepped closer to Bobby. "I'd always
kept...one ear tuned to the political side." His voice
was quiet and rueful. "I'm the first to admit, Bobby,
I wasn't greatest detective, but I know the right
people...and knew how to treat them...then...it was a
matter of passing the exams...and I've always been
good at memorization..."

Bobby chanced a quick smile. "You're a good
detective...and it takes more than just memory to pass
those exams."

Deakins returned the smile. "Well, not much more than
that." He and Bobby now stood next to each other;
Deakins stared down the alley. "By the time I reached
Major Case, I was on the same road as Frank Adair."

Bobby spun to face Deakins. "I can't believe that," he
said forcefully. "You're too good of a man...you love
your wife and daughters too much..."

"I would've said the same thing about Frank Adair two
years ago," Deakins said. "I realized...it wasn't a
bolt of lightning...just a gradual idea...that I was
headed that way...talking with the
politicians...worried about the Brass...and then...our
middle daughter...the Wild Child...got in some
trouble...and I was worried about how it would hurt
me...me..." Deakins shook his head. "Angie told me she
didn't recognize me sometimes...and you and
Eames...both of you kept reminding me the real...the
best reasons about why I became a cop...that my
allegiance wasn't to me or the Brass...it was to my
family and the civilians and the good cops...my good
detectives..."

Bobby was both honored and stunned by Deakins'
revelations.

"I'd like to think," Deakins said. "That I wouldn't
have turned into a Frank Adair...but I doubt Frank
Adair ever thought he'd be one...Do you know that
danger, Bobby? We're taught to believe we're the
best...it's why we protect people...but if we come to
believe we're better than other people...that we're
owed something...that the rules don't apply to us..."
Deakins shook his head. "I was headed that way...I was
going to lose everything that matters...the
kids...Angie...my soul, if you believe in that sort of
thing...you and Eames reminded me every day what I was
supposed to do...to be."

"That...I..." Bobby couldn't quite find his voice.
"That means a great deal to me, Sir...but I...I owe
you so much...you put up with so much from me...I made
your life so difficult..."

"Don't think you're the reason for my leaving, Bobby,"
Deakins said quickly and urgently. "Mike Logan
isn't...this has been coming for a while...I had
questions before this...the Bell's Palsy shook me
up...I woke up that morning and thought I'd had a
stroke...my perspective changed." Deakins blew on his
hands. "I wonder if spring is ever coming this year."
He studied Bobby. "Don't give up because of me,
Bobby."

Bobby started and smiled. "I suppose if my captain
doesn't know me...who does?"

Deakins returned the smile. "You and Eames...and Logan
and Barek...you'll be left alone...you'll have some
protection...you all certainly deserve some gratitude
from the department...you and Alex have the best solve
rate in the department...and Logan and Barek are
coming up behind you...the department needs and owes
you...and..." Deakins waved a hand for emphasis. "I
have friends too...friends who don't need to use a
secretary to set someone up..."

Bobby couldn't recall being more moved; it took him
several minutes before he could trust his voice.

"Thank you, Sir," he said softly.

"Seriously, Bobby...don't give up...I didn't leave the
department because I hated it...but because I wanted
to protect it...that people like you are in it is one
reason why I want to protect it." Deakins spoke almost
tenderly. "And you have a job you do well and it helps
people and..." Deakins took a deep breath. "And you
have Alex...you love a wonderful woman who loves you."

Bobby spun to face him.

End Chapter 4

Chapter 5

For a moment Bobby considered trying to brazen the
situation out with a denial, but he knew doing that
would insult Deakins' intelligence and his love for
Alex. Bobby smiled wryly. "How long have you known?"

"Probably," Deakins said. "Before either of you
did...or at least before you acknowledged it to
yourselves...or each other...

Bobby was stricken. "We...I...nothing happened until
after the Garrett case...we didn't mean for it...it
was my fault...please...don't blame her..."

"I don't think we're talking about blame here, Bobby,"
Deakins said gently.

"Every time I walked into the squad room...I felt as
if I was lying to you...but...I love her so much..."
The pent-up words rushed from Bobby. "I think I loved
her from the moment I knew she wouldn't run away...but
the partnership...the professional partnership meant
so much...she completed me professionally...and
personally...the idea that she loved me...that she
loves me..." Bobby shook his head. "I can't comprehend
it...understand it...why she..."

Deakins smiled. "You're a better man than you think
you are, Bobby...but I gotta agee that you're not in
Alex's league...although, like my daughters, I don't
think anyone is in her league."

Bobby smiled. "I was afraid...it would hurt my
work...but...everything...made sense...it got
clearer...and things...the bad things...don't stay in
my head...she..." Bobby looked at Deakins. "She keeps
them away...as silly as that sounds...she..."

"I know," Deakins said. "Angie does that for me."

Bobby could finally look Deakins in the eye. "We
didn't mean to break the rules...we don't think we're
above them...just...don't let it hurt her..."

"I'm not your captain any more, Bobby...it doesn'
matter to me...besides, if this job teaches anything,
it's that people can't control their emotions."
Deakins smiled. "And in a lot of ways, I'm just glad
the two of you found each other."

"We're...that obvious?" Bobby dreaded the answer. If
Alex and he were unable to hide their feelings, no
amount of protection would shield them from
regulations and, more importantly, from perceptive
perps.

"You're not at all obvious...I only guessed because I
know you both too well...Don't worry, Bobby...neither
of you is doing anything to catch the notice of the
brass...and as I said...you've got some protection.
I'm not abandoning you."

"I hope," Bobby said ahakily. "If I gave the
impression that I thought that...you." Bobby chose his
word carefully. "I'm a loyal soldier...I always
respect the rank...but with you...I respect the man."

Deakins blinked. For a moment he didn't trust his
voice. "Thank you, Bobby...that means...a great deal
to me. You're not the best cop I've ever seen,
Bobby..." He returned Bobby's grin. "But you are the
best detective. And you're one of the best men I've
ever served with."

Now Bobby couldn't trust his voice.

Deakins turned to go. "I'll stay in touch, Bobby...I'd
appreciate if you'd do the same...take care of
Alex...take care of yourself...step into 'em...and
don't give up."

His hand was on the door when Bobby finally spoke.

"Sir."

Deakins turned to see Bobby Goren standing at
attention. Bobby slowly and deliberately raised his
right hand to his head in a sharp salute. Deakins
blinked and struggled, not entirely successfully, to
squelch the large lump suddenly rising in his throat.
He drew to attention, and in a reflection of Bobby,
returned the salute. Deakins turned and returned to
the bar.

He guided her carefully and gently to her door,
leaning her against the wall as he unlocked it.

"I'm shorry...be sho mush trouble," Alex said for the
hundreth time since they left the bar.

Bobby eased her into the apartment.

"It's not any trouble...I'm sure Barek is having a
much more difficult time with Logan...and Carver has
to get the Captain..."

Bobby and Alex shared a sad look.

"I'm gonna cry," Alex slurred.

"I wish I could cry," Bobby said softly.

"I'm shorry I got mad at you," Alex said for the two
hundreth time.

"Better me than the Chief of Detectives," Bobby
replied.

Alex frowned as Bobby sat her on the couch. "What did
he want tonight?"

"To support Deakins...to send a message...to tell me
he wanted us to stay with the department...to let us
know we're ok...I'm going to get you some water."

In common with Mike Logan, Alex's skills didn't shut
down even when she wasn't sober. As Bobby handed her
the water, she looked up at him.

"Deakins?" she asked as she took the glass.

"Deakins."

Bobby helped her to the shower and into one of his
T-shirts. He stripped to his boxers and slid into the
bed next to Alex. She snuggled close to him; time,
lots of water, and the shower had cleared her head.

"Don't go," she murmured.

"Go?" Bobby asked.

"Just because of Deakins...don't leave."

"Earlier tonight you were ready to leave it yourself,"
Bobby replied.

He felt her smile against his chest. "I know," Alex
said. "But you're right...what you said earlier...most
of the department is behind Deakins...I saw that
tonight...but, most of all..." She pressed closer
against Bobby. "It's selfish...I don't want to lose
you...in any way."

Bobby's heart rose and soared.

"That means...so much...to me, Alex." He tightened his
hug. "I love you so much."

Alex kissed his chest. "I love you...so much...but I'm
afraid...the next captain...what the brass..."

"Well, we have some protection...and..." Bobby nuzzled
her hair. "Deakins knows about us...has for a while."

Alex pulled away from him and looked at Bobby.
"Should've known...he's too good of a cop and knows us
too well..." Her mood darkened. "Does anyone else
know...are we that obvious?"

"Deakins said not...and that we weren't...apparently
as long as we keep up our solve rate, we're ok."

Alex nestled back against Bobby.

"He's a good man...he deserves better," she said.

"Yes he is and yes he does," Bobby replied. "But I
think...what he wants...the best tribute...the best
salute we can give him...is to stay and do our
jobs...and do them very well." He kissed her cheek.
"And I think...somehow...the two of us...staying
together...beating the odds..."

"Well," Alex said drowsily. "I'm certainly willing to
try."

Bobby slipped a hand beneath Alex' shirt and began to
rub her back; the move comforted him as much as it did
her.

"You'll stay...I'll stay..." Alex said. "He's already
proud of us, Bobby...we'll make him even more...we'll
show 'em."

"Yea," Bobby said. "We'll show 'em."

End