Basically a crack fic, I guess. Don't expect much.

Disclaimer: I do not own Kyo Kara Maoh.

The Relic

The study was extremely cluttered, with maps and artifacts and ancient books sprawling half open across the shelves, chairs, and large desk that took up most of the space in the room. On one shelf a row of amigurumi doll animals surveyed the room with cute button eyes. Sunlight poured in from a tall window, as did the sounds of steel clashing on steel from the courtyard far below. Yuuri couldn't see the soldiers practicing their swordsmanship with Conrad from where he sat behind the desk, so he let his gaze wander up to the fluffy white clouds floating lazily through the sky, and imagined that he was listening to the sound of metal bats hitting baseballs on a practice field. He would have been practicing baseball with his team right now if he were back at his home on earth.

Instead, Lord Gunter von Christ was still spouting out the apparently endless history of the Great Demon Kingdom, with no sign of slowing down anytime soon. Yuuri understood that he had much to learn about this world if he was going to be a good leader, but he still didn't see why his lessons had to consist of every last excruciating detail of the lives of every last Demon King who had ever been recorded. Nor did he see how Gunter could make a discussion of trade laws in the human kingdoms sound more like a passionate religious conversion than a dull lecture. (He would have preferred a dull lecture, really.) Even so, not even Gunter could make his lessons more interesting. He sighed, and his bored mind continued to focus on anything and everything that wasn't Gunter's strangely melodic voice.

From the edge of his vision he caught sight of a drawer in the desk, the lowest of four drawers, which wasn't quite shut. A long, thin object was propping it open. Glancing at Gunter to make sure he was thoroughly absorbed in his speech, Yuuri bent down and pulled the drawer all the way open. Inside he found some sheaves of parchment and a quill, a small pair of scissors, some empty inkwells, some other seemingly random items including what appeared to be a rice bowl, and a long wooden case, beautifully lacquered and decorated with spiraling designs.

He picked up the case, which was unclasped, and also the object that had been holding the drawer open. Inside the case he found a matching object: it appeared to be a set of chopsticks, curiously made—they were a bit thinner than he was used to, and more rounded, like Chinese chopsticks, and the non-tapered ends were tipped with gold. Still, they seemed like a very nice set, and since most people in this world seemed to prefer using Western silverware . . . He picked them up and started using them to poke through the other items in the drawer, until finally a voice cut into his thoughts.

". . . Majesty? Your Majesty?"

Yuuri blinked, and realized that Gunter was now standing over him, trying to see what he was doing. "Ah, Lord Gunter! I was just, um . . ."

"What is that, Your Majesty?" Gunter asked, his face the picture of concern. "You must be careful about handling strange artifacts here in the castle, sire, you never know what might happen!"

"Oh, it's alright, Gunter." Yuuri smiled reassuringly and held up the wooden case. "See, it's only a pair of chopsticks."

To his surprise, Gunter's delicate complexion turned a shade paler and he let out a small gasp. "Oh, Your Majesty! . . . Could it be?" His voice became hushed, mysterious, as he carefully took the box with the chopsticks from Yuuri and held it in both hands as though it were a priceless relic. "Could it be that Your Royal Highness has recovered the long-lost Demon Chopsticks, hidden away from the inhabitants of the Great Demon Kingdom for generations?"

"Um . . . I doubt it, Gunter, since I just found them in this drawer here—"

"A miracle!" A new light had begun to shine in Gunter's elegant violet eyes; his gaze lifted toward the sky, his head tilted slightly to one side, giving him a more philosophical pose, and Yuuri thought his voice rose another octave in pitch, even as it grew softer. "His Majesty has performed yet another miracle, for surely the great Demon Chopsticks could not have been left for centuries in so obvious a place! Clearly they chose to reveal themselves only to the true Demon King whom they have deemed most worthy of the esteemed privilege of wielding them after many generations of seeking such a one! Our wonderful Demon King Yuuri has proven himself deserving of this high honor! Oh, how stirring to think of our beautiful king who rules with such benevolence and wisdom that all the forces of the land rush willingly to his aid! It moves the very fabric of my being to think of it! My heart flutters! Ah!"

Gunter had begun to move closer to the window as he spoke, as though drawn toward the brilliance of the sunlight streaming around him, reflecting off his perfectly white robes with blinding vibrance. His voice continued to grow softer, although Yuuri still caught phrases such as "How wonderful!" between less coherent mutterings. Increasingly uncomfortable, Yuuri decided that his lesson seemed to have reached its conclusion, and began to edge his way toward the door on the far side of the room. In his haste he knocked something from a shelf to the floor.

Just before he reached the door, it swung open sharply. "Lord Gunter! I—" Lord Gwendal von Voltaire paused midsentence as he noticed Yuuri standing right in front of him, and more notably, Gunter's saintly stance in front of the window, framed by golden sunlight. Gwendal's dark eyes turned back to Yuuri with a skeptical expression that emphasized his ever-present frown.

Yuuri fidgeted for a moment under the older man's intimidating glare. "Haha—erm, hello, Lord Gwendal," he finally spluttered, wishing that Gwendal wasn't blocking his path out the doorway. "What brings you here today?"

"Gunter!" Gwendal demanded, ignoring Yuuri. "What do you think you're doing?"

The enraptured mutterings from the other end of the room continued without pause, as Gunter did not so much as flinch to acknowledge Gwendal's presence.

Gwendal made a low noise that sounded to Yuuri frighteningly like a growl, and stomped into the room. "Lord Gunter, stop this at once! Yozak has returned with his latest report, and there are things we need to discuss. What are—"

Gwendal had finally gotten close enough to see what Gunter was still holding in a kind of prayer-like pose. "Is that—those are—my knitting needles!" Gwendal's face contorted strangely, and for a moment Yuuri worried that he might try to attack Gunter.

That seemed to finally break through Gunter's trance. He turned to face the imposing, dark-haired figure, a pensive expression on his serene face. "Lord Gwendal . . . did you say . . ." He looked down at the lacquered wooden case in his hands thoughtfully.

"Yes!" Gwendal all but yelled. He snatched the case out of Gunter's hands, cradling it like it was a small child. "What do you think you're doing with my knitting needles!"

"But . . . His Majesty discovered them . . . I was so sure . . ." Gunter's voice trailed away, and he appeared to withdraw into his own musings once again, lost to the world.

Which left Yuuri, who now received the full force of Gwendal's unhappy attention. "They were . . . in the . . . drawer?" Yuuri practically whispered, not daring to mention what he had mistaken them for. Then, to give himself something to do, he bent down to pick up whatever object he had knocked over on his way to the door. It was an amigurumi doll—Gwendal's, of course. "Wow, what a cute lion cub!" he remarked, holding it out to his Chief of Staff (although he didn't come any closer).

The silence stretched on, and he realized his mistake.

The door swung closed behind him as he made his escape into the corridor at long last—but not before Lord von Voltaire's last words followed him: "It's a little puppy dog."