I just needed to write this down. It was to hard to have it in my head. This is not something I write because I want people to feel sorry for me. But it's true. Booth feelings and experiences.
Humanised transformers with feelings and experiences from real life.
You should never start to cut.
Once you have, it can be really hard to stop.
Cutting doesn't solve anything.
It only makes it worse.
If you are keeping things bottled up inside of you and don't know how to tell someone, some people sink so low that they start to hurt themselves.
The psychological pain can sometimes be much harder to handle than the physical pain.
So hurting yourself is only a fast escape to avoid the "real" pain.
And it changes you.
I know because I have hurt myself before.
The pain that I got from the wound was easier to handle.
The thought of Thundercracker and knowing he would never be mine. The amount of stress that come from the missions Megatron sent us on. The war itself.
Things became to much to handle and I only saw one way out. To cut.
The feeling when you saw the blood trickle down the arm, actually felt welcoming first. In a bad but still good way.
And to be able to pretend that everything was fine was nice.
To only try and pretend that the wound on your wrist was from one of the endless battles we fought, was easy.
To easy.
I never really have gotten over it.
The feeling that I want to cut myself still pokes up to the surface sometimes.
And sometimes I let that feeling win.
I try not to let that side win.
But it's hard.
Really hard.
Cutting changes you.
It changed me.
I don't only have scares on my wrist, but also on my soul.
I have never told anyone about what I did and still do sometimes.
No one would care. Only Thunder' would.
He watches my back and I watches his.
We trust etch other.
But I get the feeling that if I tell him what I do, he will think I'm weak.
That is probably the main reason why I haven't told anyone about it.
I'm to afraid to say anything.
Don't know if I'm going to write more on it or just leave it as it is. I guess time will tell.
I just wanted to say, that hurting yourself doesn't solve a thing.