(A/N): IMPORTANT - MUST READ. There's this one scene in the anime, and it's bugged ever since I first watched it. In one of the episodes, with Jasdero and David, and their comment on Lavi and how 'he's on their side now' or something to that affect. The "he" being Lavi. At first I though they were talking about Allen, and I thought maybe it was a reference to the 14th Noah and how this Noah (August is his name , right?) has, as Road puts it, "gotten in with the Exorcists". After all, these two are the Noah of Bonds…they should know about how people are connected and yada-yada-yada. But then one of them mentions how the red hair reminds him of Cross, and I realized they were talking about Lavi. And Lavi is our future Bookman. Bookmen of the past are not supposed to have hearts. They just observe the history taking place an make a note of it. Soooo, where was Lavi before he was part of the Order? Who was this "Dirk"? Lavi's not supposed to pick a side to this war, obviously. So I can't help but think that maybe this "Dirk" character or whoever was before "Dirk" was on the "side" of the Noah's…that is, he observed them and the war before retaining an innocence and observing the Order. So I decided to write a fanfic dedicated to Lavi, on how because he'd witnessed the "other side" of the war, he became a cynical Dirk. And from his years with the Order, his cynicism eventually wears away (but never truly disappears) and he becomes Lavi, a more mature version of Dirk. One that realizes the true state of the war he's taking part in.
"Hatred…lies…even killing their own kind." His words were cyanide, discharged from chapped and unforgiving lips. "Humans can never be considered a perfect life form."
That was Dirk's thought process.
And then Dirk was suppressed, like he was no longer allowed to come out. And Lavi appeared in his place. "The world isn't perfect. That's what makes it so damn beautiful."
Ever the phony optimist.
Lenalee remembered it very clearly. And she was sure her brother and Kanda remembered it, too. How one day, Dirk's behavior was Dirk, and the next day, he was Lavi. The transition from Dirk to Lavi was immediate, but it took well over a year for Lavi to truly become Lavi.
And yet, still, the core of the Bookman remained.
D. GRAY MAN
"Who's side are you on?" Komui's question was expected. "I only ask because the Order is endowing you with something that is very powerful. Something that tells you very clearly that you need to pick a side. Good and bad cannot mix when it comes to Innocence."
Dirk - no, Lavi, smirked. "You'll eat those words one day, Supervisor Lee."
(Oh, if only he knew what would happen few years later with a certain white-haired exorcist.)
Komui peered at Lavi over he edge of his spectacles, sensing the foreboding tone. "That's a shame." Then he grinned undauntedly. "And please, call me Komui."
D. GRAY MAN
"Hi!" She was bright and cheerful and full of color compared to the gray, stone walls that surrounded them.
"Hi," he said warily, eyeing her form.
Long, silky hair accompanied with a set of equally long legs.
"I'm Lenalee Lee!" Again, so incredibly cheery. It was quite the contrast to when he'd seen her that morning, sobbing beside the coffin of a fellow exorcist. "Welcome to the Order. I'll be giving you a tour and showing you to your rooms."
He knew of her already. As he and Bookman knew of everyone in the Order already. She looked the same as she did in her photograph - if not a little older. A very beautiful girl, regardless.
Bookman, who beside him, cleared his throat and sent Lavi a warning look. "That would be very nice, Miss Lenalee."
Lavi dragged his feet, walking slowly behind Bookman. He took in every crack on the wall and stain on the ceiling. It really was starting to become a bad habit, this memory of his.
"And here is your room, Lavi." She opened the door for him.
He nodded his thanks, waiting for her to leave.
But she was still standing in the door frame.
"Was there something you needed?" he asked her, setting his bags on the soft bed.
She had a sheepish expression on her face. "I-I wanted to apologize for this morning."
"This morning?"
Ah, this morning. An image of her crouched over body and tearstained face clouded his mind.
"He was a friend of mine," she continued, eyes locked on the floor. "Another exorcist. And a Noah…well, you should know them, being the future Bookman…"
Yes, he did know them.
She shook her head, and quickly replaced the her sullen expression with a gentle smile. "But anyway, I just wanted to apologize for not welcoming you properly."
"Death is death."
Lenalee blinked in surprise and confusion at his response. "…What?"
"He's one of the lucky ones. Killed by the hands of what you, the Order, believes to be evil. He may have been an exorcist, but he was also a flawed human. He probably cried in fear and begged for his life 'till the very end. It's better than thinking you're dying because you're fighting for the good of mankind, isn't it?"
Her smile faltered and something in her formerly lively, violet irises fractured.
Lavi made a note of this. He had a feeling he'd see more of this side of her from then on.
He looked her dead in the eyes, some remnants of Dirk still left over and leaking through his new persona. And he couldn't help it. After all, Dirk was the one who had witnessed the wrong side of human nature. "Let me know if actually you get out of this world alive, Lenalee."
He closed the door on her, and left her in the dimly lit hallway to wonder in the shadows.
'Just what have you seen, Lavi?'
D. GRAY MAN
"God resents us because we're mortal, you know."
Lavi had said it quietly and calmly.
And Lenalee didn't understand him. "What do you mean?"
He simply gazed at her. "How about you figure it out on your own?"
Lenalee frowned, before looking expectantly at the person sitting on the other side of her who was peacefully meditating.
Kanda breathed deeply, sensing her stare (though, from experience, Lenalee knew it was a sign of slight irritation). "Every breath we breathe in, every step we take, it may be our last, and that's what makes it so beautiful. The fact that we will never be here again, doing such things. God can never have that knowledge."
"Speaking from experience, Yuu?" Lavi's lips twitched in amusement. Of course he knew of Yuu Kanda, the bearer of the lotus curse. "That's ironic, coming form you of all people."
Kanda's glare was cold. And Lenalee discovered it was starting to become common to see it directed toward the redhead. "Never call me by my given name."
Lavi scooted back, away from the swordsman who was admitting murderous vibes. He leaned toward Lenalee, his smile never truly reaching his eyes.
"There's a terrible darkness in the hearts of mankind, Lenalee." Lavi reached over and ruffled her hair. It was the first contact he'd made with her after being there for a month - his first friendly gesture. "And being part of the Order, you need to know that."
"She's fourteen," Kanda muttered agitatedly in Japanese and returned to his meditative state, thoroughly ignoring their presences for the rest of the conversation.
This time, Lavi laughed. "If Innocence knows no age, then corruption shouldn't either."
Lenalee eyes were downcast as she tried to make sense of what Lavi said.
"But, if there is a darkness in the hearts of mankind, then…isn't there also a light that can illuminate in it?"
Well, that was certainly a good argument.
Lavi leaned back, his green eye moving about her features almost hypnotically. It was the same way he'd looked her when he'd first met her. The same way he'd look at anyone when he first met them. He looked at them like another page for his records. A few more sentences on his pages. Souls and hearts converted into ink blotches and lines. He looked at them like a Bookman would.
"Are you done recording?" Lenalee asked.
He was taken aback at her soft stipulation. But more so at the fact that she knew what he was doing.
Lavi grinned. And for the first time in a very long time, it was genuine. "You best hope that light never mixes with the darkness, Lenalee."
"That's the job of the exorcist."
"No, your job isn't to carry the torch that lights this darkness." Lavi looked at her almost forlornly. "Your job is fight for a God you, yourself, may not even believe in. Your job is to gather Innocence, and convey others to do the same. Your job is go to war with the conviction that what you're doing is right. Your job is exactly like theirs."
Though Lenalee wasn't completely sure what he was referring to when he said 'theirs', she still had a small idea. And it sent a chill down her spine.
"It's all relative. Light and darkness, good and evil, the Order and the Noah clan…It's all relative."
Lavi chuckled to himself. It was the first time he'd said it aloud, and furthermore, it was the first time he'd told somebody, too.
"God is a wonderful puppeteer, Lenalee." Lavi. Dirk. All forty-nine souls escape him briefly, and he was an hallow shell of a being. "And his audience - you, Kanda, your brother, the Order, The Noah, the Earl - willingly move to his every whim."
He patted her shoulder in what one would assume to be comfort, which had not surprisingly become stiff. "Hilarious, isn't it?"
(A/N): Kind of OOC for Lavi, I suppose. But this is him as he is still recovering from being 'Dirk'. So it's kind of an awkward stage, because he can never truly get rid of how he thinks, whether he's 'Dirk' or 'Lavi' or whoever. Sorry for any grammatical/spelling errors. I wrote it really fast, just today. Let me know what you think!