THE SIMPSONS:
THE WAX CRAYON
WRITTEN BY ZARIUS
Disclaimer: The Simpsons are trademarked by 20TH CENTURY FOX and GRACIE FILMS
The alarm clock buzzed and the cool morning breeze crept through the open window of the Wiggum abode.
Waking up first in the compact racing car bed was the devoted wife of the household, draped in a dazzling emerald nightdress and pink fluffy rabbit slippers. She threw the bed sheets off and darted immediately to the weight machine positioned just left of the wardrobe. She took a deep breath and stepped on to the scales.
Lisa Marie Simpson-Wiggum beamed as the numbers came in. Her body mass showed her to be in trim shape.
She gazed back at the bed, and, with a loving yet sharply cynical gaze, she threw what remained of the sheets off the bulking frame of her husband, who was wearing a baseball cap backwards, blue shorts, and had at least one chocolate ice cream cone that had slowly melted over the course of the night, most of the chocolate chips coating the cone had parted ways with the vanilla on top and had made a merry mudslide of the bedspread.
She had given him the cone as a treat while on a trip to the beach the previous night. It was the perfect evening, minus the part where her husband had freaked out over a pack of felines squabbling over some cannibalized rodent corpse.
Ralph Wiggum. Scardey-cat in a realm where the legitimate cat was king
"Come on Dozy, my favorite Dwarf, you'll be late for work" Lisa spoke, breathing small hot breaths into Ralph's ear to wake him up.
"What work? Uncle Sam takes care of me. Is he coming over?"
"We're to go visit him. Bank. Ten AM. You and me. Get to stepping" Lisa spoke, kissing him on the cheek and dragging him up by the arm.
As Ralph rubbed his eyes and gently stirred, having not raised his head to match his wife's gentle features, he found himself instead staring at the weight machine
"Eyes on the prize mister" Lisa said, tucking her finger underneath Ralph's chin and raising it up.
Ralph took one step forward, Lisa nodded, Ralph took another step forward, then looked down
"Am I going to check myself today?"
"You ought to check yourself every day" Lisa said
"I do. Always a clean pair." Ralph said, pulling back his shorts and then letting them snap back in place by releasing his hand, "Your brother's always telling me to be go and be a commando"
"That's 'go commando' said Lisa
"Am I going to fall asleep again?" said Ralph
"I hope you're not planning on it" said Lisa, "Bank people would love nothing more than to inform someone with a strong case of insomnia"
"I get pooped pretty easily. I'm such a bore" said Ralph.
"No you're not Ralph, you just don't understand the complexities of currency, leave all the silver account details to me"
"Why do I have to cancel the account? We get less to pay for meals and concerts"
"That was back when we were trying to be career students. Since when do you ever have time for those indulgences anymore?" said Lisa, "Lift your right leg by the way"
Ralph did so, Lisa checked his right leg, Ralph laughed as she touched it
"Yeah, you didn't step on anything last night, I told you not to go barefoot in the dark like that, you don't know what kind of drunken disorderly is waltzing around the beach at that hour, you could have gotten glass in your feet"
"Glass is good. It makes windows" said Ralph gleefully
"Get to stepping on those scales lover" said Lisa
Ralph did so, Lisa beamed at the result on the scale
"12.1. Oh Ralph you did it, you're under 13. Granted you're nowhere near rid of that belly, but it's a marked improvement. I'm so proud of you"
"Can I go back to drinking that eight pack of commercial-free cola now?" said Ralph
"You went a little crazy with the cans last night, and that was before we had our midnight walkabout. No wonder you were so highly strung by the time we got to those cats. If we're going to get any more packs, you've got to promise to keep a tight eye and drink less if you want to keep yourself trim"
"What's today's moral then?"
"It's the morning, you don't get a moral 'till the day's over. Besides, knowing my family history, there's very little moral to anything. Just stuff that happens"
"I like stuff. I think it's short for stuffing, like the kind you get in teddy bears. Did you like the bear I bought you last night?"
Lisa smiled, and wrapped her arms around Ralph, rubbing her nose on his.
"You know what makes you and I work? Because I've dreamt about it...ever since I was a kid, weighing it all in, going through the done-in-ones, the bullies around the block, Milhouse the meme that never was, I always thought I was losing a part of myself whenever I dreamt of you and I together.
In thinking I would lose my smarts, I gained two things...insight and perspective, of course being a kid it took a while to kick in, I denied it to myself so many times, even when you dazzled me as George Washington,. I took a step back, to "Bee" your friend, all those years.
All those moments, I was shown so many futures where anything could happen...I was scared for so long, but I learned to trust my dream, to trust who it was guiding me to. I gained more than I lost. I have you, you are so simple, you are so completely in love with the trivial moments of life, you don't see paint dry, you see wax crayons on a radiator, you place them there and the colors just run and run.
You run Ralph, your color, your bright, bright color, seeps through life and tries to encourage and delight anything it touches. I understand now more than ever that a part of me knew that as a child, that's why I "c-c-chose" you, I love you, I've always loved you, and the only reason I gave you that card was because I could see what others were too ignorant in their adolescence to see"
"I like crayons. Can we buy some on the way back?"
Lisa kissed him on the lips, and kept herself and her husband locked in the position for a moment that might as well have stretched a lifetime, before reeling back and glaring through his eyes with her own, both of their expressions were bright as the sun in their expressions. So completely entranced with one another. So in love.
"Bank" Lisa said
"On it?" Ralph finished
"Oh I love it when you learn" Lisa replied, and followed that up with another tender dayglow kiss.