"And I will stumble and fall. I'm still learning to love, just starting to crawl." -Say Something by A Great Big World
"Would you just say something?!" She seemed to scream it at him. He resisted the urge to cover his ears and pretend this wasn't happening right now. He would give anything for this not to be happening. "Or are you just going to stand there silently and let it happen?"
"Jane." She flinched at her name coming from his lips and he couldn't stop the frown from carving itself onto his face. "You and I knew this wasn't going to last. There are just too many differences, too many obstacles to overcome."
"So, you're just giving up? You won't even fight for this? For what we have?" She gestured between them, as if their relationship was a tangible thing she could cling to and protect.
"Jane." He repeated her name. It was all he had left to hold onto. "You don't under-"
"Don't tell me I don't understand! I understand perfectly." Her voice was bitter, tinged with barely concealed anger and something else he couldn't quite place. "You don't think this relationship is worth working toward. Everything is too difficult and you want to give up. Seems pretty simple to me." She was looking at him now, studying his face, trying to find anything there that would contradict her words. He inwardly scoffed at the idea. She was getting desperate. He knew she wouldn't find anything. His face was a perfect mask of indifference.
Or so he thought, until her face relaxed, and he knew then that he had taught her too well, if she could read even him that easily. He knew he never should have shown her what things to look for in someone who was lying.
"Unless..." She was hesitant; too many broken hearts and promises had made her too hesitant to even grasp onto such a small tether of hope. He hoped she would just let it go, as much as it pained him. It was best for the both of them. Suddenly, her eyes grew determined and he knew that he had lost then, long before she had even figured it all out. He could see how she would fight, even if he wouldn't. She had enough fire to fight for the both of them. "Unless there's more to it? Unless there's something you're not telling me?"
He was so busy trying to sort his thoughts out that he didn't notice she was walking toward him until she was only a few feet away. He stuttered a step back, but, distracted as he was, he wasn't quick enough to dodge her gentle hands on his face, holding it in place so she could look even closer. Even with the knowledge that he could easily rip from her grasp, he stayed where he was, enjoying her gentle touch. She did not fail to notice this.
"Loki." His name rang out in her voice like a bell, calling him to focus on her face, beautiful, yet hard and determined when needed. He had always loved how expressive she was. It was one of the things that had first drawn him to her, as polar opposite as his own habit to conceal any and every emotion as it was. "What are you not telling me? I know you. You wouldn't just give up this easily." Her eyes softened as they held his own. He felt her thumb caress his cheek and he couldn't resist leaning into her touch. "You, Loki Odinson, take what you want, without any regard for others. And I know that this-" He allowed her to bring his head down slightly as she rose up on her tip toes to place her forhead against his own. "-this is something that you want."
He drew in a shuddering breath, his hands just barely brushing against her hips. He needed to pull back now or he would never be able to again.
"I do. More than anything." He could not deny her the truth any longer. That was his real weakness when it came to her. The God of Mischief, unable to lie in the face of this single mortal woman. He should have felt disappointed in himself, yet he could not bring himself to do so. Jane seemed to have that effect on him. Without even thinking, his arms wrapped around her waist and brought her body flush against his. His head fell to the side and his forehead landed on her shoulder. Absently, he felt her arms wrap firmly around his neck and her face in the crook of his shoulder. It had only been a day or two, but he felt like he hadn't held her in years, the thirst for her touch having only grown with time. She sighed into his neck, a sign of her own thirst being quenched, and he knew in that instant that he couldn't leave her.
He felt her arms squeeze ever so slightly tighter around his neck and her head turn so her lips were close to his ear.
"Then you have to be honest with me." She pulled back, though he kept her firmly within his grasp, and gave him a stern look. "You need to tell me whatever it is you're not because this will never work if you're constantly making decisions about us on your own."
He looked on, worry etching lines into his face. She frowned. That wasn't normal. He wasn't usually so open a book, so easy to read. Even earlier, she had only been able to see through him by some split-second gleam in his eyes that she had only just caught. She reached a hand up, lightly running a finger along the line that creased his brow in an attempt to ease it off his face. He finally looked back down at her and she could have sworn she'd never seen so much pain in his eyes before. They were usually so alight with mischief, she didn't know how to handle his eyes shining with anything other than joy.
"Hey," she spoke softly. "Whatever it is, we can get through it, okay?" His frown only seemed to deepen at this.
"Jane, I'm afraid-" He stopped abruptly. She waited on bated breath for what the rest of his sentence would hold, but he never finished. Instead, he looked at her with a face full of wonder and fear as his arms tightened around her, like he never wanted to let her go. Like he vehemently despised even the idea of it. His lips seemed to twitch in a sort of maniacal smile before settling back into a frown. He seemed to have come to some sort of realisation that he'd never even considered before. "I'm afraid, Jane. I"m absolutely terrified."
"Loki," she murmured, unsure what was overcoming him. "What are you afraid of?"
He shook his head slightly, leaning his forhead against hers once again. He focused on her breathing, the simple, yet significant evidence of just how alive she was.
"Losing..." His arms tightened reflexively and if she wasn't already used to him holding her tightly, she might have been uncomfortable. Nonplussed, she just looked at him, wondering what on earth had him so frightened. What did he have to lose that he truly cared about so much it would cause him this much distress? "...you."
She stared at him wide-eyed, shock running through her system. How had she not connected the dots? In her surprise, she couldn't manage more than a small "Oh," in response.
"All my life," he began. "I have lived in a society of warriors. I did not have to worry about any of my friends or family, as everyone was trained in battle from a young age. Such is the way on Asgard, where dying a warrior's death is the greatest honor one can earn." He grinned in an almost self-depricating way. "I, admittedly, did not have all of the fighting finesse as others, but I got by and I had the element of magic on my side. But you," he relaxed his hold on her suddenly, as if he just realized how tightly he'd been holding her. "You are not Asgardian. You do not carry the strength of a thousand years worth of battle. Your body is so much more breakable than ours. Even your life span, without having bitten into Idunn's apple, is minuscule as compared to ours. As a whole, Midgardians are much more easily disposed of. This is why I've never had to worry like this before, constantly afraid of what might happen, especially if I am not by your side." She huffed a bit at his need to point out her weaknesses.
"If you're worried I'm just going to trip and break my neck one day, I really don't think that's actually that much of a-"
"Jane." He silenced her with only the sound of her name. His tone revealed how completely and utterly serious he was. She could feel it resonate in her bones. "I am not a good man. You knew this when you first felt something for me and you know this now. I have made many enemies in my time in this world and most of them would do almost anything to cause me pain." His eyes gained a hard edge and she felt his arms tense up, the need to hold her close and protect her fighting with the urge to not harm her in any way. He apparently won against his instincts and moved his face into the crook of her neck, lips on her pulse point in an effort to calm himself down. She is here. She is alive. Everything is fine. "They would use you, in however way they see fit, to get to me. They would not hesitate to kill you or even torture you in hopes of gaining any information about me. They would do this in front of me, force me to watch in hopes of breaking me. And it would. It would break me. I would be begging for the mercy of death quicker than you can say Yggdrasil. That or I would be on a rampage, killing everyone and everything in my path until someone stopped me; the necessity of deadly force would surely be there."
She stared at him in shock. She had no idea where this was coming from. He'd never told her anything like this before.
"Loki, how do you know-"
"I know." He cut her off again. After this conversation, she was really going to have to talk to him about that. "Because they have already come." His words struck her to her very core and she found moving to be extremely difficult all of a sudden. He felt her tense and began rubbing small circles into her back, in an attempt to calm her down. "I have defeated several before they had even reached our home, but one recently snuck his way in." She felt his slight smirk in her hair. "It's a good thing you are a heavy sleeper."
She could feel herself shaking. With what, she couldn't decide. Anger at him for never telling her? Fear at what could have been? Just from how terrified she was at this entire situation and how close she had apparently come to death? Her head shook back and forth and she felt herself pulling from his grasp. It was too much. This was all too much. When she looked back up at him, his previous anger was gone, the cool mask meant to hide all of it in pieces between them. She only saw despair.
"This is why I didn't tell you. I was afraid it would be too much to handle. But I couldn't keep knowingly putting you in harm's way without you being aware of everything that comes with being with me. The good," he grinned cruelly at that word, never having truly believed there was much good in her being with him. Even then, she wanted only to kiss that self-depracating look off his face. "And the bad."
She looked at him then, closely examining the planes and hard edges of his face and knew that, however mad she was that he hadn't told her sooner, she would forgive him. She knew that he only did it in the hopes of protecting her. It's what he seemed to do best-protect her and love her more than anyone else could ever possibly dream of doing.
She didn't step any closer to him. His touch would only distract her and she needed a clear mind to say what she wanted to say.
"I love you, Loki." He looked up, eyes wide in surprise, but she only looked back with a small smile gracing her features. The only other times either had spoken those words were in the throes of passion, lost amongst their sweat and bodies. One of his feet fell forward, him wanting to be as close to her as possible. She did not step back, nor did she step forward to meet him. "I'm still not happy that you kept this from me, but I know why you did, so I know I'll forgive you. Eventually." She stopped and frowned at his chest, trying to find her next words.. "I do wish you'd realized that even if you told me all of this, I would still choose to be with you. As far as I'm concerned," she looked up and smiled at him, his face only a few inches from her own now, as he'd slunk closer while she was talking, "there really isn't anything that's going to take me from your side. I've simply fought too hard to get here to just give it up."
Suddenly he was on her and everything she felt was him. She had no time to think or protest, not that she'd want to, before his mouth was hot on hers and his arms were once more snugly wrapped around her middle, pressing her body as close to his as was physically possible. She felt the familiar warmth of magic spread over her and then her knees were pressed up against the back of their bed. He twisted them around and pulled them down so he was sitting on the edge of the bed with her straddling his lap. They made quick work of each other's tops and he wrapped his arms tightly around her waist once more, falling back on the bed so they were lying with her on top of him. Gently, he pulled away from her mouth to look her in her eyes, hazy and clouded over though they were.
"I feel I should tell you now, before you can blame my foggy and lust-driven mind for my words." She looked back at him, confused, but he simply smiled back and lightly caressed her cheek. "I love you as well, Jane."
And then all they knew was sweat, sheets and tangled limbs.
Afterwards, they lay in each other's arms, Jane's head lightly resting on Loki's chest, while his fingers absentmindedly traced patterns on her back. He leaned his head down to plant a soft kiss to her temple and smiled as he felt one returned to the plane of his chest.
"Jane," he murmured into her hair. "I have a thought."
She turned her face up to look at him better and kissed him under his jaw, before smiling softly.
"And what is this thought you feel so compelled to share?"
"I was thinking, perhaps if Midgard is not so safe a place to be, as apparently it is easy for those wishing harm to us to get here, we should consider going some place else."
She blinked slowly up at him, trying to wrap her mind around the words he had spoken.
"You mean, go somewhere else? Like Asgard?"
"If that is what you wish. Or, might I suggest we use this opportunity to explore some worlds you have not been to before?"
All of a sudden she was sitting up, looking down at him in shock. He slowly moved to sit up as well and rested a hand on the small of her back.
"So, what you're saying is, you want me to just abandon my job, my home, and my friends to go traipsing around the universe in the hopes that the multitude of enemies you have garnered over your rather extensive lifetime won't find us and either kill or torture me in an effort to cause you pain? Is that all?"
He seemed to consider her words for a minute or two before smirking at her.
"That is one way to put it, I suppose. Though you forgot the part where we'd be living in less than ideal conditions on many of the worlds we would visit." He could tell this seemed to anger her only further. "To be fair, those conditions usually only help to make the stars more visible.
"You-" She stopped suddenly and got an odd look on her face that he couldn't read, although he knew with almost complete certainty what was going through her head. "Wait, stars? Are you telling me, we wouldn't just be galavanting around, but I could actually study the stars from all across the universe?"
Loki pressed a light kiss to her shoulder and pulled her back so they were once again lying down on the bed. "But of course. I wouldn't ever dream of getting between you and your stars." She seemed to mull this over. He couldn't help the light grin from appearing on his face. He knew if there was one way to convince Jane of his plan, it would be to bring up the idea of her being able to study what she loved from wherever she wanted.
"Okay, if I said yes to this-and that's a big if-when exactly would we leave?" Even if it seemed her tone suggested she was still somewhat irate, her scooting closer to him and once again placing her head upon his chest told him that she was no longer angry and was most likely actually considering his idea.
"As soon as you and I deemed necessary and appropriate."
"Would we ever come back to Earth?" His arms tighted slightly around her, hearing in her voice that she truly was upset at the idea of leaving behind everyone she knew.
"Of course. We could visit as often as you liked, though we would not be able to stay long. A week or two at most." She nodded, understanding the reasoning behind this, though still not thrilled with the idea of leaving Darcy and Erik behind.
"And you really think this is necessary? To keep us safe?"
"Yes. If I want you safe and unharmed, which, surprisingly, I have a serious interest in, then I believe this is the best method of doing so." He brought his hand under the side of her jaw, using his thumb as leverage to turn her face up toward his. "I promise you, Jane. This would not be forever. Most will get tired or move on to other prey. The ones that do not, I would not be surprised if Thor decided to have a few words with."
She nodded again, smiling lightly up at him. "I'll give it some thought. Perhaps, you do have some valid points."
He nodded once, knowing that was all he would get from her now, especially as she got settled back into his side and brought the blankets up over them. He pulled her tight to his side and prepared for another night of light sleep and waking up at every sound that could possibly be an intruder. He prayed she would say yes, if only to help him get a good night's rest. Right before he felt himself fully slipping into the peaceful darkness he so longed for, he felt her shift slightly and look up at him again.
"So, about those apple things you mentioned earlier..."