On the sofa, where we lay
I wanna stay inside all day
And it's cold outside, again
(Sofa by Ed Sheeran)
I was 5.
They say I was child prodigy. They say I was born for this life. They say a lot of things 'bout me.
So I hide instead of facing the lights. They'll never notice.
I was curled up on the couch, my legs tucked up to my chest and arms wrapped around my knees. Listening. The silence of the house a familiar pulse to my ears.
Then she's home. Home with me. The child in me peeks through my mind, hoping for her love. I gracefully climb off the seat and run the meet her. My feet grace the floor like a light wind.
Something's wrong. I see it in her eyes, the only place even the most fully trained operative can't fully control. I feel it in the air, like the scent of rain on the horizon, and I feel the calm before the storm, knowing it would be the first of many sleepless nights to come.
2 words. 7 letters. Enough to bring my world crashing down on my fragile shoulders.
"He's dead," she said.
The numbness in my mother's voice was the worst part. Consuming, like a vacuum, sucking away my joy and leaving me spinning. She could have cried. She could have screamed. She could have planned revenge on the world.
Instead she sat, quiet and empty, an imprint of a once mighty woman.
She sank down next to me on the couch. Her hand moved methodically through my hair as my shoulders shook with repressed tears.
A spy never shows emotion. Rule number 1.
I was empty, lying on the sofa, waiting for the pain to pass, like a fleeting shock. I was waiting, deep inside my soul, to wake up form a bad dream. Waiting to wake up and find my father there, swinging me around in his arms.
Camster, you've gotta be strong for me. Can you do that, sweetheart?
Was this just a test? I looked to the door of our apartment. Waiting for the handle to move and a familiar pair of feet to appear.
Nothing.
I lay on the sofa, not moving. Not willing to accept anything as the truth.
I lay, glued to my position. Rooted to the spot by the immobilizing pain that weighed down my tiny heart and mind.
On the sofa, where we lay
I wanna stay inside all day
And it's cold outside, again