How could I have done this? I finally got the chance to have everything in my life get back on track, and I had to mess it up. It has been forever since I've felt that things could just work out.

When Mitchum Huntzberger told me that I didn't have 'it' I fell apart. I couldn't deal with life, and became self destructive. I like to think of that as my rebellious stage. Every kid has them, right? Mine just was a little more pronounced than most. I stole a boat. I have never stolen anything before, much less an expensive yacht, just because I was upset.

Then I dropped out of Yale, the one thing that I had been working towards my entire life. Ever since I could grasp the concept, I wanted to go to an Ivy League school. I gave that up, because of one man's opinion.

His opinion of me also destroyed my relationship with my mother. I didn't talk to my best friend for months, all because of that one night. The night that led to me dropping out of school, becoming a DAR clone, and putting a pause on the relationship that had kept me going my entire life.

But it was during that time that I decided to take a chance on him. I allowed myself to love him. I put my heart on the line, and he got me through it all. He was my rock. The one that I turned to whenever I was feeling down, or like I just couldn't handle things. He was there for me through it all, and without him, I don't know where I would be now.

I would not be the person that I am today, that I do know.

I would still be living in my grandparent's pool house and organizing Russian Teas.

I would not be graduating top of my class from Yale. Moving on to become a journalist, and having the possibility of living the American dream.

I could have had it all, including the perfect husband, but I said no.

I really don't know what possessed me to turn down his proposal. He has been nothing but perfect to me. He has loved me unconditionally, and always been there when I needed him.

Yet, I still said no. There was something in me that wouldn't allow me to say yes.

I guess that I was afraid of having the perfect life. Because once I achieve the perfect life, I will have nothing to work towards. Then what will happen? I will end up ruining it. As long as I still have something to work towards, then my brain will be focused on something positive. But when everything is happy, and there aren't any struggles to overcome? That's when I'll start creating problems.

It's just human nature. We are never happy with being happy. As soon as things start to work out, we have to throw a monkey wrench into it. It's like we're afraid of being satisfied with our lives. We need to feel some sort of sorrow or pain, or something is wrong.

At least that's how it is with me.

My life was on the road to becoming perfect. I had the college education. My resumes were out to any and every paper. And the perfect man just proposed to me.

I could finally have that perfect live. I could spend my days at the job of my dreams, and then come home to the man of my dreams every night. Eventually I would have the perfect kids. They would have his blonde hair, my blue eyes. They would have my coffee addiction, and his charming smirk. We would be an unstoppable family. And the best part is that we would all be happy.

But I couldn't allow myself to have that. I had to make up excuses. Any reason that I could think of to say no, was used. I didn't make my typical pro-con lists, because there was no point. I knew that for every con, there would be at least 5 pros. I couldn't allow myself to face the facts that were staring me in the face. I couldn't allow myself to live happily ever after.

And I have to live with that every day now. But I guess that I got what I wanted. My life is nowhere near perfect. I lost the love of my life, because I was afraid of being happy. I still have the dream job, but it isn't my dream anymore.

My dream now is to be with him again. But I still can't make myself take the first step. I can't make myself call him. I can't let myself be happy. I can't give myself the chance of having the perfect life.

Perfect.

It's just a happy thought. It's unobtainable. It's a notion that is impossible for anyone to achieve. Yet I am still terrified of it, that one word.

Perfection.

It's my greatest fear.

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