Riley sighed and looked down at her lap. She was sitting in the bay window alone. It was around 1 am and she couldn't sleep. As someone who went to sleep at 11:00 at the latest, this was extremely abnormal. Her mind was racing, while at the same time, she could barely find it in her to move. She knew in the morning, she would regret staying up this late. But she just couldn't help it. She couldn't sleep. It was either like this, or she didn't do anything but was always tired, even if she slept for 30 minutes or if she slept for hours upon hours. It was never enough. Ya know, it was sort of like she was never enough. That's the way she felt at least. Her parents were perfect. Maya was a literal angel who could paint the world with her art and change it. Lucas was the golden boy. And Farkle was a genius. Auggie was the baby, so pure and innocent. What was she? She was a nobody. And nobodies just didn't make it in the world. That's why her lunch was becoming harder to stomach each day. That's why she never ate supper. She wasn't enough. And she was tired of trying to be. She was tired of putting on the brave face; tired of being the one to fix people; tired of being the sweet, lovable goofball. Most of all, she was just tired. After thinking about everything for a while, she decided to go to sleep, so she got up and walked to her bed and tucked herself in, hoping tonight's dreams would bring some relief.
The next morning came too early. She woke up to the sun shining through the window and the sound of Maya talking to one or both of her parents. "That's weird," she thought to herself, "Maya's never here before I wake up. It must still be early, right?" Her internal monologue was shut off when she heard Maya yell, "Riles, it's time to go! We got your breakfast ready to go. You ready/"
"Oh shit," Riley thought to herself.
"What was that?" asked Cory. Riley gasped, not realizing she had said that word out loud.
"Nothing, daddy. Give me 5 minutes, Peaches," Riley said sweetly as she rushed getting dressed, brushing her teeth and hair and spraying on deodorant and perfume.
On the way to the subway, Maya looked at Riley and said, "Honey, if I asked you something, you promise to tell me the truth?"
"Of course, Peaches."
"Have you been sleeping well lately? You always seem tired and you have these dark circles under your eyes."
"I've just had a couple bad dreams, that's all."
Maya bit her lip, she didn't believe Riley but she didn't have any proof, so she just nodded her head and said, "Ok Riles, I believe you."'
Riley just nodded her head as they sat down on the subway and headed to school. How could she possibly even begin to explain what she was going through to anyone, let alone the only person that made any sense in her life?
She sighed quietly to herself and leaned her head on Maya's shoulder. Before she knew it, she was dreaming of laying in a field with just her and Maya before she was jolted subway had stopped and she faintly heard Maya calling to her.
"Riles, come on, it's our favorite part of the day!" Maya told Riley sarcastically.
Riley's eyelids fluttered open and she said, "Of course, Peaches," and at that Riley reached for Maya's hand, which Maya gladly took as they headed into the building to their first period class, p.e. Or, as Maya and Riley so lovingly referred to as the torture chamber.
As soon as they reached the gym, Riley looked at Maya and said, "I think I'm going to sit today out. I'm gonna tell coach I have cramps."
Maya looked at her with confusion, knowing Riley wasn't on her period. (Their cycles always matched up.) However, she simply nodded and said, "Let me know if you need anything. I love you, honey."
At this, Riley hugged her and said "I love you too, Peaches."
As soon as they let go of the embrace, Maya went to change and Riley went to tell the coach she was sitting out today. The coach looked at her with disappointing eyes, as she had a feeling Riley was lying. However, after seeing the look in the girl's eyes, she nodded in understanding and told her she could sit out for the day. Riley thanked the coach and went to sit down on the bleachers.
She watched everyone play and saw how much fun everyone was having playing kickball. Even Farkle was having fun. She sighed as she thought to herself, "They're only having fun because I'm not there playing with them."
Suddenly, Riley felt a tear run down her cheek. As quickly as it came, she wiped it away. Why was she thinking this way? At first she thought she had no clue, but the more she thought about it, the more things started to make sense. It all started with her identity crisis with the yearbook. However, it was also much deeper than some identity crisis. Sure, she had gone back to dressing the way she usually did. However, inside, she still felt the same. It continued with her not feeling she was as good as her parents. How could she ever even be in the same boat as them? And if that wasn't enough, there was also the fact that someone had bullied her to the point where she broke down in Maya's arms. Sure, she stood up for herself. And everything seemed fine. However, deep down inside, nothing was okay. She wasn't sure the exact moment her world started to feel like it was falling apart. However, she did know that she constantly felt like she was drowning, gasping for air and that everyone she loved was just out of reach.