Xerxes Break and the Missing Cards
Author's Note: The point was for this to be a kind of comedy playing off of a Sherlock Holmes kind of setting. I start with the language very closely following Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, and then I tried to make the writing more ridiculous as the plot became more absurd. This was just one of those random ideas that you cannot contain until it's on paper, and I thought it turned out pretty good. So Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Sherlock Holmes or Pandora Hearts (wish I did, but it's not going to happen unless I get a time machine…) And I give full credit to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle for the first few paragraphs and some of the dialogue taken from his short story: Sherlock Holmes and the Crooked Man. (Mind that the plot does not follow this mystery in any way)
One summer night, a few months after my first meeting with a very peculiar man, I was seated by my own hearth smoking a last pipe and nodding over a novel, for my day's work had been an exhausting one. My master had already gone upstairs, and the sound of the locking of the hall door some time before told me that the other servants had also retired. I had risen from my seat and was knocking out the ashes of my pipe when I suddenly heard the clang of the bell.
I looked at the clock. It was a quarter to twelve. This could not be a visitor at so late an hour. With a wry smile I went out into the hall and opened the door. To my astonishment it was Gilbert Nightray who stood upon my step.
"Break," said he, "what the hell is going on?"
"My dear fellow, pray come in."
"You look surprised!" he scowled. "So am I! What did you do! Why are you smoking? I thought you didn't smoke? His face suddenly contorted and his mouth moved with words he did not expect to say. "Could you put me up tonight?" he froze in horror. "What am I saying?"
"With pleasure."
"You told me that you had bachelor quarters for one, and I need a place for the night, only the gods know why." Gilbert's face was twisted between horror and surprise as he spoke. It was quite the curious sight if I do say so myself, and I do.
"I shall be delighted if you will stay."
"Thank you. I guess."
"I had some supper at already, but I'll smoke a pipe with you with pleasure."
"I'll go for that," he breathed a sigh pulling a pipe from his own pocket. "Where did my cigarettes go?"
I handed him my pouch, and he seated himself opposite to me and smoked for some time in silence. I was well aware that he had no idea what had brought him to me at such an hour, so I waited patiently for him to finish his smoke so I could tell him of my newest endeavor.
"What are you up to? You must have been bored to start this," said he, glancing very keenly across at me with a scowl.
"Yes, I've had a busy day," I answered. "That was why I was so surprised to see you; you see I actually do have a case I need some help with." I chuckled to myself.
"I have the advantage of knowing your habits, Break," said he referring to this odd tale. "When you're so fully into this fixation that you drag all of us into your fantasy because it pleases you to use us…"
"Excellent!" I cried. "It is one of those instances where the reasoner can produce an effect which seems remarkable to his neighbor, because the latter has missed the one little point which is the basis of the
deduction. The same may be said, my dear fellow, for the effect of some of these little sketches of yours, which is entirely meretricious, depending as it does upon your retaining in your own hands some factors in the problem which are never imparted to the reader. Now, at present I am in the position of these same readers, for I hold in this hand several threads of one of the strangest cases which ever perplexed a man's brain, and yet I lack the one or two which are needful to complete my theory. But I'll have them, Gilbert, I'll have them!" Gilbert's eyes kindled and a slight flush sprang into his thin cheeks. For an instant only. When I glanced again his face had resumed that pale composure which had made so many regard him as a machine rather than a man.
"What? That did not even make sense?"
"The problem presents features of interest," said he. "I may even say exceptional features of interest. I
have already looked into the matter, and have come, as I think, within sight of my solution. If you could
accompany me in that last step you might be of considerable service to me."
"I don't understand." Gil rubbed a temple as he spoke unwillingly again. "But, I should be delighted. What am I saying?"
"Could you go as far as…Pandora Headquarters to-morrow?"
"Fine, though I have no hell of an idea what you are up to."
"Very good. I want to start by the 11:10 carriage from here."
"Fine, but I still do not understand why I am included in your stupid mystery fetish."
I ignored his childishness.
"I will compress the story as far as may be done without omitting anything vital to the case. It is
conceivable that you may even have read some account of the matter. It is the supposed kidnapping and possible murder of the Four Ace Card Soldiers, of the Rainsworth Servant, Persephone, at Pandora, which I am investigating."
"I have heard nothing of it, literally."
"The facts are only two days old…and I shall let the lady tell us of them at our appointment tomorrow."
"Only you," Gilbert sighed as we finished out our smoke before retiring to our quarters.
###
"…did wonders in the Capital, and has since that time distinguished herself upon every possible occasion, but, it seems that her success is only owed to her powerful Chain…" I spoke quickly of my slight interest in the lady as my mediocre sidekick cleaned his pistol and pretended to listen. "Now for the events at the Rainsworth's between nine and ten on the evening of last Monday…"
"Why am I here?" Gilbert muttered to himself, but I heard his complaints and, as usual, I went on even though he paid no heed to my information that held significance to this case of ours.
"Miss Persephone, is, it appears, a servant of the Barma Household even though she also seems to serve at the Rainsworth mansion.
"Would you just shut up? Damn it, why did you drag me into this! You know who freaking Persephone is, you probably have a fetish for her as well."
"Not likely," I grinned leaving my friend slightly exasperated. "Ah! We are here; let us go forth and wait for the lady in distress."
"Wait for her?"
"Why…of course! She will be arriving at one o'clock."
"Coming from the Rainsworth household?"
"Certainly."
"Where we just were…?"
"Precisely."
"I hate you." Though my friend seemed to have built up an inexplicable revulsion for me I wiped the thought away as we had accustomed ourselves to a dark secluded room in the bowels of the Pandora Mansion.
"Xerxes Break!" The maiden's voice was quite a startle to our quiet atmosphere. Gilbert let out another puff of his pipe casually, causing more smoke to fill the air. He positioned himself upright in his chair eyeing me as though he knew something rather different was coming.
"She has arrived!" I grinned as she shouted profanities across the hall searching for my hidden room.
"I think his office is at the end of the back hall," Sharon Rainsworth's voice was more like music to my ears as it floated toward our glum room.
"What the hell does he have an office for?" On the other hand Miss Persephone's voice was more of a butcher's knife to my ears, as a heavy stupid butcher's knife that could be well used for cutting meat. (Pardon my horrid metaphor)
"Ah, yes, here it is." The woman that entered was my master, in all of her beauty, and behind her was a very interesting looking woman who caught my attention only slightly.
"What the hell?" Persephone coughed as smoke diffused through the air and out the opened door. She choked on the smoke, trying to look at me through watering eyes.
"Break? Whatever shall we do?" My master asked with concern filling her eyes, or maybe that was tears for she was coughing as well.
"Welcome, I am Xerxes Break, master at solving crimes and private investigator…for hire of course." I suddenly felt a tug at my collar and found the hallway to be quite bright as I was dragged mercilessly into it and thrown against the opposite wall.
"You stole my cards you dirty bastard." Perspehone hissed in my ear and I found it oddly attractive. "Attractive?" She released me, funny; I swore she could hear my thoughts. "You are narrating your own story? Why the hell am I in it? Wait…so it was you that called me 'interesting', what the hell does that mean?" She seemed to tower over me, but I shook of her terse words. "'Terse words…'" she sighed. "God, kill me please."
"There is no need for you viciousness madam. I promise I will have your case solved in a matter of hours."
"Did you hear that Persephone? He is willing to help us with your case!" Sharon grinned from the woman's side.
"Oh no, you are falling for it too. Please tell me you know what's going on?" Persephone pleaded with young girl beside her.
"I have no idea what you are talking about," Sharon gave her newest servant a puzzled look.
"I hear him too," my inferior friend spoke from the doorway, still smoking on his pipe. "That is the second time he has referred to me as some kind of lesser being and he took away my cigarettes."
"How did he do that?" Persephone inquired.
"He is in control of this little fantasy mystery." Gilbert shrugged.
"Give me your gun."
"If I have to live through it, you are going to have to also." Persephone gave him one pleading look before turning back to her last hope in finding her missing Chain.
"Fine, just help me find them 'last hope,'" said she quite sarcastically.
"Come, Gilbert, we must begin right away."
###
"Oz Vesalius, you are our first suspect." I made my entrance into the room without hesitation, immediately singling out the only person in the room.
"Geez." Persephone muttered as she glided in behind me.
"I have a few choice questions for you, young master." I deliberated full control of the atmosphere as the boy stayed seated trying to fool me with his innocent look. Well, that would not work on P.I. Xerxes Break.
"Please, ask away," the boy grinned; unfortunately my right-hand man seemed to be on top of interrogating this boy.
"Oz did you take Persephone's Chain from her chambers."
"No," Oz said with a nastily sweet smile.
"There, he confessed to not doing it, moving on." Gilbert began to leave the room with heavy footsteps, however, he tripped and I stood my ground in front of the young master.
"God Damn it Break, what was that for!" I ignored my subordinate's rudeness and continued on.
"I am not so sure." I turned my walking cane toward the boy and pointed it to his chest. "I have reason to believe that you are a contractor, so what if the culprit was not you but a cohort in your plan…"
"His Chain!" Sharon gasped.
I pulled a large sheet of tissue-paper out of my pocket and carefully unfolded it upon my knee. A girl suddenly entered the room, a beastly little thing, and at the sight of the meat leg on my knee she rushed into the room and devoured it.
"Ah, it seems my plan worked. This Chain is prone to vicious tendencies; she must then have been the brawn of this boy's plan."
"The cards were not eaten, Break," said Persephone from her perch against the doorway. "I doubt it was Oz and Alice, Gil was with them at the time of the crime. Oh, god that was a rhyme." She shook her head violently and then stared directly at me as she said, "Would you stop writing me like a freaking idiot?"
I only shook her harsh words away and continued with my investigation.
"Your alibi is true, as I expected it to be. Please, let us know if you have any information on the crime." I left the room with my usual enigmas smile that flattered my face.
"Hey, Gil! Can we tag along?" Oz whispered. The servant rolled his eyes.
"I guess."
"Yes! Come on Alice."
###
My first impression of Vincent Nightray was, as usual, corrupted with detestation. Thus, because I knew he would never commit such a crime, I passed his presence.
"Something seems to be going on…" His snake-like voice carried to my ear as he spoke to Persephone.
"My Chain has been stolen."
"Ah, well then, allow me to comfort you." He took Persephone's hand in his, only to find his hand in immense pain. I had snapped my cane across his knuckles just before the monster had lead her astray.
"Do you have a problem?" Persephone scoffed at me.
"Yes, you should not be alone with any suspects or they might kidnap you as well."
"You just said he would never commit such a crime," Oz said form the back of the group.
"Yes, but this one lies on his level of devious." I gave him a stern look, taking Persephone's hand myself.
"Do not touch my hand." I knew her words meant well, she only wanted to make sure her feeling for me went unnoticed by the rest of the group, but this kind gesture did manage to build up my self-esteem quite well. "Forget it." She muttered walking behind me.
"Brother!" Vincent smiled. "May I join you?"
"I don't care."
"Good! I cannot wait to see what happens." I glanced back at his smirking features, which only prompted me toward my next subject. Duke Barma and Lady Cheryl.
###
I was convinced by now that this was either a one or two man job. Thus, when I questioned Lady Cheryl and she had no alibi I began to beat down on her more harshly that I had in my whole life. This method, as planned, provoked the Duke to speak up for her. It also, however unplanned it might have been, sent Sharon into worry about her grandmother. But, no worries, I know what I am doing.
"Without an Alibi it must be you Lady Cheryl, I will have to arrest you and bring you to justice!" I could barely say the words; after all she had been like a grandmother to me as well.
"Grandma!" Sharon cried out.
"Oh, I guess I have to choice!" Lady Cheryl sighed.
"I don't know who you are," Barma spoke with authority, "nor how you came to know what you do know, but will you swear that this is true that you tell me?"
"My God! Are you in the police yourself?" I was shocked; he must have been with the force to have such an open question.
"Shut up." Persephone and Gil both said at one, but as they tried to break the stories truth, the others were enthralled with my every word, waiting to discover the culprit.
"No." Rufus grinned.
"What business is it of yours, then?"
"You can take my word that she is innocent."
"Then you are guilty."
"No, I am not."
"Who kidnapped the Chain then?"
"I have not seen Liam, maybe you should check with him."
"Of course!" I hummed to myself. "How could I have overlooked him? He has no alibi and has yet to be seen. He must be hiding out! Come, we must hurry before he escapes."
"Let's go with them." Lady Cheryl said. Barma nodded and had begun to wheel the old woman in pursuit of my trail.
"If that made any sense to you… kill me." Gilbert muttered and Persephone sighed as they followed, perversely, up a flight of stairs to Liam's room.
###
"Oh no," Liam stuttered when I entered the room, followed by all my loyal… followers. The man held the four cards in one hand and a note in the other.
"Ah ha! Caught as the kidnapper!" I pointed accusingly at him.
"Liam?" Persephone scoffed as she marched into the room. "Liam? This is a joke right?" She took the cards from his hand. "Liam would not hurt a fly, why would he steal my chain?" Her words rang true among my audience and so I noticed the letter in the culprit's hand.
"But…" Liam had begun; however, I cut off the liar before he could say a final word. I tore the note from his hand and read it quickly.
"He was going to leave this suicide note, explaining that he took the cards and was going to kill them and then himself because he could not bear to live in your shadow." I looked at my old friend in disgust.
"What?" Persephone pinched herself. "This has to be a nightmare…or maybe I just got dropped into the abyss…"
"Liam, I am quite shocked!" Barma pulled out a fan and held it in front of his face, in his normal idiotic way.
"Wait a minute!" said I. "That fan, is Sharon's! I would recognize it anywhere!" Sharon stepped forward and looked at the fan with realization.
"So it is, I was wondering whose fan this was. I'm afraid I was not going to commit suicide over it though." He handed the fan back to Sharon, who seemed content at having her ornate partner back.
And it was in that manner that I, Xerxes Break, solved two crimes and prevented a suicide in the same day…
Scene
…
"What? No, that is not what the note said!" Liam reached to take the note form Break's hands, but the mad hatter turned so he could not let his friend's grip rip away the final piece of evidence.
"I'll take that." Oz grabbed the note and read it out loud. "My dear Liam, sorry to blame you but she was getting suspicious of my adulating for her. I did steal these cards myself, to frame you of course, but also to fix her into this little mystery of mine. Thank you for your use. Your friend, Xerxes Break."
It was at that moment in time that Break decided a quick escape was to his best benefit.
"You were in my room!" Persephone's shouted.
"It seems I've been caught Ah, the perfect crime is ruined." Break called as he ran into the hallway.
"Liam, please hand me anything sharp," Persephone said rather calmly.
"All I have is this pen,"
"That will work." Persephone began to leave the room with the obviously dull object.
"Why not just use your chain?" Barma asked.
"Where is the fun in that?" she cooed, closing the door behind her as she chased Break down the hallway. "I'll stab you, you freaking kidnapper, I'll kill you!"
The group listened to the shouts and slamming of doors as Persephone tailed Break mercilessly.
"Well I'm hungry," Lady Cheryl beamed across the room. "Acting gives me such the appetite." Mutters of agreement went across the room as they all left the cramped space in order to have lunch together.
"You know Gil; you could have acted a bit more." Oz grinned at his smirking servant.
"Whatever." He scowled. "Why did he pick me for a partner when all I did was walk around behind him?"
"You make for a good dog, seaweed head," Alice smiled. Gil opened his mouth to retort but stopped when he saw Persephone emerge from a side hall.
"You lost him already?' Vincent asked as their damsel, or rather determined killer, looked at them quizzically.
"Actually I was wondering what adulating meant?" She asked quickly. "He used it in the letter he gave Liam, what does it mean?" Everyone looked around rather awkwardly.
"It means the poor man is obsessing over you." Lay Cheryl admitted openly.
"What, that stalker! How…interesting." She said of me as I escaped her wrath only waiting for the day I could hold her in my arms and tell her that I would always keep secrets from her.
"Break!"