UPDATE: This chapter has been updated. It contains some new content. It has mainly been updated, though, in order to correct grammar errors I found in it, and so that it would read more smoothly. It is not necessary that you reread this chapter but it is recommended.
NOTE: This story begins after the episode "Beyond Repair" (airdate: 01/10/02). It takes place the night/early morning everything in that episode occurred.
1
Downward Spiral
I try to breath
Memories overtaking me
I try to face them but
the thought is too
Much to conceive
Abby sat in a darkened corner of her living room. Her legs were laying flat out before her. Her head was leaning against a cold glass door that led out onto a small patio. Her back was resting against the wall behind her.
She watched vaguely as a shadow played across her legs, created by the only source of light in her apartment, a small lamp sitting atop an end table beside her couch. She watched the shadow until her eyes became bleary and unfocused. She then blinked a couple times, clearing her vision, and gripped the bottle in her left hand tightly. Bringing the bottle to her lips, she took a long drink of the contents inside it. Alcohol. Or, her demise, as she used to refer to it. And, indeed, it was a fitting word.
Her focus fell suddenly to a card laying open upon her outstretched legs. Damn him, she thought, damn him for sending it right on time and damn him for sending it at all.
She took another swig of the alcohol and then realized the bottle was empty. Rage coursed through her, a mixture of so many things. Luka ostensibly forgetting her birthday and then the birthday card from him. The little boy, with no mother, currently spending a lonely night in a foster home somewhere. The bottle, the last of the eight-pack she'd picked up only hours earlier, being empty.
Suddenly, Abby threw the bottle across the room. She watched as it shattered against the wall, sounding a loud crash as it did so. She laughed. She hoped it would wakeup her neighbors. It would serve them right. She remembered them arguing, yet again, this morning. They had woken her up. They always woke her up.
Out of rage, Abby jumped to her feet and picked up a book laying on her coffee table. She threw the book at the wall. Then, she picked up a trinket Luka had brought in Croatia last Christmas to give to her, and threw it. Next came a couple of videotapes. Many other things followed but Abby was no longer paying any attention to what was being thrown. She didn't care.
At some point her anger was no longer for her neighbors. Maybe it never had been. Her mind was focusing solely on Luka now. With every item she picked up and threw, she remembered Luka. She remembered the night they'd first gone out together. She remembered the first real kiss they'd ever shared. She remembered the first time they'd made love. She remembered the night they'd broken up.
Abby collapsed to the floor in sobs. Hot tears, that she hadn't even known were there, were streaming down her face.
She thought more about the night they had broken up. She remembered curling up on the side of her bed that he used to sleep on. She'd cried herself to sleep that night, the scent of him in the sheets and the longing for his arms around her, had just become too much for her. She'd washed the sheets the very next day, hoping to lose his scent. In reality, she was really hoping she'd lose the memory of him ever having slept in those sheets. Things had only been made worse and it had only washed away his scent, but not his memory. She'd clutched his pillow close the next night, wanting to smell his presence on it. She had missed him so much, like she missed him now. Ever since, her bed had been cold and lonely.
Presently, Abby curled herself into a ball in the middle of her living room floor. Sobs continued to rock her body as she lay there hugging herself. She wished the floor would open up and swallow her. She wished for life to continue on without her. To no surprise of her own, though, the clock continued to tick off the seconds and, she knew, she was still a part of it all. She knew that eventually the sun would come up, forcing her back into a world she was desperately afraid of, into a life she wanted to run from.
Eventually her tears began to subside, and she untangled herself from her defensive position and sat up. She didn't move, though, instead she sat cross-legged in the same spot on her floor. She looked around at the wreck that was now her apartment, becoming, for the first time, aware of the mess she had made. She still didn't care, and the haze of her drunkenness still hadn't completely evaporated. She thought of throwing some more things, she was still angry, but decided she didn't have the strength for it anymore.
Instead, she stood up and walked over to where her coat was laying across the back of a chair. She picked her coat up and put it on. She wasn't sure why, maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was a plea for help, but she left her apartment and stepped out into the cold winter's night. Her destination was clearly set in her mind.
I only know that I can change
Everything else just stays the same
So now I step out of the darkness
That my life because 'cause
Luka opened his eyes and blinked. His vision slowly became clear, as all traces of sleep left him. Sitting up in his bed, he looked around the moonlit room and tried to figure out what had woken him up. Everything was still. All the shadows were the same familiar shadows he fell asleep with, the same shadows that seemed to follow him in his dreams.
Glancing around one last time, he was about to return to the comforts of slumber, when he heard it. The thing that must have woken him up. There was a semi-loud banging sound coming from outside his bedroom. It took his mind only a second to register it as someone, not quite knocking, but not quite banging, on his front door. Sighing heavily, he swung his legs over the bed and stood up.
He watched as the clock on his nightstand struck the hour of one AM. He shook his head mentally and reached out for a white t-shirt he had laying nearby. After pulling on the t-shirt, he ran a hand through his ruffled hair, in an attempt to flatten it, and stepped towards his bedroom door and walked out into the hallway.
He could only imagine that whoever was at his door was there because of some sort of medical emergency. To Luka, that was a great annoyance. After all, that was part of the reason he had left the hotel. He had gotten tired of being woken up in the wee hours of the morning to help some tourist or, even worse, some drunk. The main reason he'd left though, was because of Abby. Or, was that, for Abby? He had hoped that getting his own place might improve things between them. It clearly hadn't worked out that way.
Stepping up to his front door, Luka reached for the door knob, and swung it open. His eyes widened a bit in surprise. Before him stood the last person he would have ever expected to be standing on the other side of his door. There, before him, was his ex-girlfriend.
"Abby?" Luka questioned, but tried to cover his overall surprise.
She looked up at him and smiled. "Takes you long enough to answer your door."
"It's one in the morning," he said matter-of-factly.
Abby looked down at her watch and giggled. Giggled. That was something that Abby never did.
Luka looked at her more closely then and realized something was wrong. He just couldn't tell what. When she looked back up at him he noticed that there seemed to be an absence of focus in her eyes. Indeed, she was looking up at him for many long seconds before she even appeared to be seeing him.
"So it is," she spoke, looking beyond him and into his apartment. She seemed to sway forward with her gaze and, for a second, Luka thought she was going to tumble into him. She managed to catch her balance though by grabbing hold of the doorframe. Still, Luka put out a hand to help steady her. She giggled some more.
"Abby, are you okay?" he asked, becoming increasingly worried about her.
"Perfect," she answered, stepping forward. "Aren't you going to invite me in?" It was quite clear that she didn't really need an invitation. Before she'd even finished her question, she had managed to step past him and into his apartment, dropping her coat on the floor as she entered.
Luka sighed and shut the door. "Abby, what are you doing here?" he asked, not sure whether he should be annoyed, worried, or angry. Right now he was more worried than any of the others. He didn't know what was going on with her but something was definitely not right.
"I came to see you, duh!" she spoke, as though her words were more than obvious.
Abby began descending the steps that led down into Luka's living room. He followed closely behind her, trying to figure out what was wrong with her. Before he could come up with any conclusions, Abby suddenly tripped on one of the steps. Luka quickly reached out and grabbed her around the waist to keep her from falling. And, suddenly, it all came to him. With their sudden closeness, he could smell it. As she looked up at him and giggled, again, he could see it in her eyes. And, it was all in her attitude. She was drunk.
"You're drunk," he confirmed out loud. Abby only laughed as she pulled away from him and continued, un-faltered this time, down the steps.
"Nope," she stated, "I am sufficiently wasted." She laughed some more. "That is what my husband used to say." She stopped speaking, as if remembering something, then continued grimly. "My ex-husband." She seemed to think some more and then a sarcastic kind of smile suddenly spread across her face. "Now he is going to be someone else's husband."
It took a few seconds for the meaning of her words to register in Luka's brain. He had actually seen Richard in the ER but had been too busy to enquire about it. It was now only too obvious why he'd been there.
"Abby, I'm sorry," he spoke softly. He wasn't really sure what he should say.
"Sorry?" Abby turned to face him. They were both now standing at the bottom of the steps, her only a few feet away from him. "Why are you sorry? Sorry, because my husband can actually find himself a new spouse, while I am stuck to die a miserable old maid!"
"That's not true," he said softly, sadly. It broke his heart to think that she felt that way about herself.
He took a step towards her. She only turned around and began walking away.
"Yes, it is. Who would want me? I'm a drunk. I have a manic mother who always gets in the way. I can't have kids because of that mother. God knows, they'd be just like her." Abby stopped walking and then turned around to face Luka once again. "Carter doesn't want me. To him, I'm only your used material. You obviously don't want me. I'm not pretty or special enough for you. And, lets face it, you can't be with anyone that doesn't need to be helped!"
Luka sat silent, choosing not to state the obvious. She did need help.
Every word she had just spoken laid, yet another, heavy weight upon his heart. Used material? He wondered exactly what it was that Carter had said to her. No matter what it was though, he was angry at him for having hurt her. Of course, he was certain his, you're not that pretty, you're not that special, had managed to hurt her far more. He could still hear himself saying those words. He had regretted them the second they had left his mouth. But, they were out, and it was too late. Now, to have her throw them back at him like this, had finally proven what he'd already known, what she'd once denied, he had hurt her deeply by saying them.
As for helping her. How could he not want to help her? The woman that stood before him was clearly in a deep state of pain. He didn't want her to ever feel pain, especially not this kind of pain. The kind that eats away at you constantly and never lets you stop hurting. She didn't deserve this pain and it kept her from being who she really was. Fear of it kept her from showing him the side of her he wanted to know. There'd always been a part of Abby that she would never show him, or anyone. He'd wanted desperately to meet that part of her, he still did. But, she kept it locked away from him and the world. It was for self-protection, he knew, but, still, he wanted to help her unlock it.
"Abby," he began, finally breaking the silence that had elapsed. "You are beautiful and you are special. If you hadn't been special to me, I likely never would have broken up with you." She gave a sarcastic laugh. Luka ignored it and stepped closer to her. "It just wasn't fair to you anymore. I was staying with you for selfish reasons. I was with you because I did care about you and I didn't want to lose you. You were just never happy with me. I finally realized I couldn't change that. There was nothing I could do. I couldn't force you to be happy. I didn't want you to be miserable anymore, so I left you. I'd been planning on leaving you. That night, though, everything just blew up and I did it in a very cruel way. I hadn't planned on that. I am sorry I hurt you. I'm not sorry I broke up with you. I want you to be happy." Not, Luka added to himself, that it seemed to have worked.
I just needed someone to talk to
You were just too busy with yourself
You were never there for me to
Express how I felt
I just stuffed it down
After another period of silence had elapsed, and a lone tear had made its way down Abby's cheek, she stepped away from Luka and headed towards his kitchen. He watched, unspeaking, as she did so.
The kitchen was but a few feet away and was separated from the living room only by a long eating bar. He watched as she walked up to the refrigerator, opened it, and looked inside. Luka sighed as he remembered her current condition and knew, instinctively, what she was looking for. He knew also that she'd find it. Quickly, he made his way over to the kitchen.
"Abby," he spoke, stepping up behind her, "you don't need--" Abby yanked herself away from Luka the second he'd laid his hands on her shoulders, in an effort to move her away from the refrigerator. It was the sheer anger he felt in her move that stopped his words dead.
"Don't," she spoke firmly. "Don't tell me what I don't need." Her every word had venom dripping from it. "I need a drink."
"Than how about some coffee?" he asked, attempting to ignore her anger. It was hard to ignore though.
Abby laughed mockingly at his question then turned around and walked back towards the living room. After shutting the refrigerator, Luka followed slowly behind her.
"How can you even say that?" Abby asked softly, as she came to a halt in the living room.
Luka looked down at her questioningly. "What?"
"How can you say there was nothing you could do? How can you say I wasn't happy with you? How the hell would you even have known that Luka?" Her voice raised considerably with her last question. "You never bothered to talk to me. You never came to me and asked me if I was okay. You never asked me if you could do anything to help. You never tried to help me! So, how the hell can you say that there was nothing you could do? You never tried! And, why do you assume that everything was because of you? Why assume that I wasn't happy with you? Just because I'm not generally happy doesn't mean it's because of you. You were the only thing going right in my life!" Abby sat, exhausted, on the couch and rested her elbows upon her knees as she buried her head in her hands.
Luka just stared at her. Her last statement had been unexpected, to say the least. It had been something he never would have suspected she felt. Even if he had known she'd felt that way, he never could have imagined her admitting to it. To know though, that she had seen him as the only thing right in her life, was quite the shock. He'd left her because he felt she deserved better. He felt he couldn't help her. He felt Carter could. So, he'd left her. How was he supposed to have known that she thought he was the good part of her life. He had felt like he was the part of her life that was only helping to bring her down.
Luka slowly walked over to the couch and sat down next to Abby. He wasn't sure what to say to her. He didn't want to hurt her anymore. She was already hurting enough. He knew that, in many ways, what she'd said was true. He had been more selfish in their relationship than he wanted to admit to. But, in other ways, it wasn't true. He'd attempted to help her many times. He'd tried to help her with her mother. She'd always ended up going to Carter. He didn't want to get into that argument with her though. He didn't want to fight with her. He didn't have the strength to fight with her. Above all, he just didn't want to hurt her. So, he sat silently, waiting for her to say something more.
After a few more minutes had passed, Abby finally lifted her head and look over at him. Her eyes contained no tears, as he'd half suspected they would, but they were sad nonetheless.
"Do you know why I never used to drink, Luka?" she asked, seemingly out of the blue.
Luka stared over at her blankly. He had no idea. He hadn't know there was a reason. He'd simply assumed she didn't drink. He'd thought maybe it was a moral she had. Her mother used to drink, he knew that. A drunk and bipolar mother couldn't have been pretty. He sometimes thought that could be part, or the reason, she didn't drink. She'd seen Maggie drunk and hadn't liked what she'd seen. Other than those reasons, he'd never thought there was anything to it. To be honest, he'd never really thought much about it at all. Abby simply didn't drink.
"It's because I'm an alcoholic," Abby continued. "I was a recovering alcoholic, but I threw that all out the window. I've been attending AA meetings since before we started dating. Apparently, you were just too busy to notice."
"I'm sorry," Luka whispered. He knew, though, that it was too late for apologizing. He should have known. He had known. He knew she never drank. Never, not once. He should have asked her about it. He should have been more inquisitive. He should have been more caring.
"No, you're not," Abby stated. "I know it never meant anything to you. Me. Our relationship. I was just a warm body on a cold night."
"That's not true," Luka defended himself. "I would never use someone like that."
"Than what about Nicole?" she asked sadly. She looked over at him. When he didn't answer her question, she turned her focus to her hands. "That's what I thought. What, did you wait a whole two weeks before you started sleeping with her? Before you got her pregnant?"
"She wasn't pregnant," Luka stated simply. He didn't know what else to say. He was finding it harder and harder to get out of saying something that would cause Abby more pain.
"Yes, she was."
Luka looked at her shocked, unbelieving. No, Nicole wasn't pregnant. It had all been a lie. She'd even admitted to it. She'd lied about being pregnant because she'd been scared that, after they'd caught her stealing from the hospital, she would lose him. So, she'd made it all up. She wasn't pregnant. She wasn't.
"Abby, what are you talking about?" he asked, certain he was hearing her wrong.
"Do you really think anyone would lie to you about being pregnant? I mean she would obviously know you'd figure it out sooner or later. She wasn't lying Luka. I thought she was. I saw her in OB though. The nurse told me she'd been eight weeks along. That would mean you slept with her only weeks after we broke up. God, Luka, is that all it took? A made-up life for you to actually care about someone?"
"Did she..." Luka spoke, all but ignoring Abby's question and the hurt she was obviously feeling. "Did Nicole have an abortion?"
"Yes, Luka," Abby answered, clearly hurt. "That's why she was in OB. She was there destroying your made-up life."
Luka felt bad for Abby. He knew she was hurting about a lot of things, including this. Right now, though, he just couldn't focus on her pain anymore. He was feeling his own pain too much. Nicole had aborted his baby. She'd told him it wasn't really even there and then she'd gone and gotten rid of it. She'd gone and killed it. He should have done something. He should have known she wasn't lying, or that she was lying. He should have stopped her. His baby could still be alive today if he had. Alive and still developing inside... he looked over at Abby... inside the wrong woman.
"Abby," he whispered, but didn't have a chance to continue.
"Was it even made-up, Luka?" Abby asked, looking over at him. "Where you in love with her? I mean you had to have felt something for her, and you obviously never felt so strongly about me, if two weeks after we broke up you were off screwing some slu--"
"Abby!" Luka's shout came so sudden and unexpected that it made Abby jump and immediately cut off her words. His anger, coming from what he'd just found out about Nicole, the pain he was suddenly feeling, and what Abby had just said, was now flaring.
He glared over at her, but his expression quickly softened. She looked like she were ready to burst into tears. And, he had to remind himself, she was drunk, her words may be no more than the alcohol talking. He pushed away his anger. It wasn't for Abby anyways. He wasn't angry with her, in fact, right now, his heart was only breaking for her.
"I was never in love with her," he spoke softly, apologetically. "She was my way of trying to move on. When I lost you, it hurt. But I had to continue my life and Nicole was a step in doing that. My moving on so quickly had nothing to do with you, or how I felt about you. I still missed you."
Luka knew that, right now, he had to deal with Abby. Later he could deal with Nicole and his feelings with what had happened with her and with what she had done. But, for now, he pushed everything having to do with Nicole and there would-have-been baby to the back of his mind. Abby needed him right now and he would be here for her.
Now I'm older and I feel like
I could let some of this anger fade
But it seems the surface
I am scratching
Is the bed that I have made
Abby suddenly leaned her head in towards Luka's. Luka swallowed, realizing what she was doing. His whole being screamed out for him to stand up right then and stop what would surely occur if he let her continue. His body seemed glued to the couch, though, and he could do nothing but watch as her lips moved closer to his own. A familiar feeling ran through him. His stomach felt as though it were doing summersaults at a gymnast competition. He watched her lips, waiting for them to meet his. Despite her drunken state, he was very much looking forward to the reunion.
Mere inches from his lips, Abby suddenly stopped. Luka swallowed and their eyes locked.
"Do you still miss me?" she whispered.
"Yes," Luka whispered back.
Abby moved in the last few inches and her lips brushed against his gently. Luka felt a familiar surge of electricity flow between them, combined with yet another feeling. Longing. It had been far too long since his lips had, had the pleasure of meeting hers. And, he had missed her so much, more than she'd ever know.
He knew the combination of everything, of their current relationship status, of this whole night, was dangerous. And, she was drunk. He shouldn't be kissing her. But, for now, the feelings seemed to outweigh his good senses and Luka leaned in closer to her. Gently, he cradled her head in both his hands and pressed his lips more firmly against hers. Abby responded by wrapping one arm around his back, drawing his body closer to hers, while her other hand rested, very noticeably, on his thigh.
Luka felt Abby's tongue glide against his lips. Very slowly, he opened his mouth to hers. Taking in her tongue, he gently suckled it before allowing it exploration of his mouth. He, in turn, did his own exploration and gently slid his tongue across the roof of her mouth. Abby gave a soft moan against his lips, interrupting the silence, and causing Luka's mind to startup again. Once more though, his physical feelings won over as he felt her hand begin to gently rub and caress his thigh through the thin layer of his boxer shorts. Luka's hand began to slowly descend down her arm, in a soft caress of its own.
Breaking from her lips, for a breath of air, Luka moved his lips to her neck and began a line of soft kisses along her collarbone. His hand had now wondered back up her arm and to her front. There he began to gently knead one of her breast through the material of her shirt. Luka was a bit surprised to discover that, underneath her shirt, she had on no bra. Surprised, but pleased. Abby moaned, a little more audibly this time, as she felt his hand upon her body. Luka smiled to himself as he gently sucked on the skin of her neck.
Luka felt as Abby's arms moved around his neck and began gently pulling him down to the couch with her. Easily helping her with this motion, he positioned her on the couch beneath him and carefully supported himself above her. His lips again moved to her mouth and they devoured each other hungrily. Abby's moans were now becoming more frequent and audible and, Luka couldn't help but notice, sounds of pleasure escaping his own lips. He was enjoying this immensely but, something in the back of his mind, reminded him that it had to stop. She was drunk. She wasn't herself.
"Oh, god," Luka moaned, breaking contact with Abby's lips as she suddenly bucked her hips up and into his. Waves of pleasure washed through him and he instinctively pressed his own hips back into hers, eliciting a deep moan from her. The throbbing between his legs was now demanding more attention, that wasn't enough. Abby must have known this because she reached down and caressed him softly through his boxers. Luka moaned at her touch but his mind was now strong at work. His senses were coming back to him. He knew, he had to stop this.
The second he felt her hand about to reach inside his boxers, he immediately pulled it away. Abby looked at him with annoyance in her expression. Luka sighed heavily, half disappointed, and gently rested his head on Abby's shoulder. He breathed in deeply, trying to calm himself.
"Luka?" she spoke. He could hear the annoyance in her voice. He knew his decision to stop was by far the right one. Had she not been drunk, Luka knew, she'd be concerned with why he'd stopped but she wouldn't be annoyed.
Carefully, he got up off of her. Abby followed his lead and sat up on the couch. Luka sat down beside her. This time, though, he didn't sit as close.
"What the hell are you doing?" she questioned, looking over at him.
Luka took in a few deep breaths, still calming his body, before speaking. "We can't do this Abby."
"Well," she spoke, in a half laugh, while sliding along the couch and moving closer to him, "your body certainly seems to think otherwise." Luka knew it was coming before it even happened. Abby reached out, towards his lap, and attempted to prove her point, but he was already to his feet.
"Abby, we can't," Luka spoke calmly. "You're drunk. You're not yourself."
The look she gave him was pure anger. "More likely," she began, "I'm just not good enough for you. Not as perfect as Nicole. Not as sweet and pretty."
"Abby, stop it." His heart ached. He hated that she felt this way. He hated that she was drunk and that she'd had to resort to alcohol, again, to try and cure her pain. More than anything he hated, and was angry with himself, for what he'd just done with her and what he'd almost done with her. How could he have let it go so far? She was drunk! How could he have let it hurt her? She was already hurting so much.
"What do I have to do to make you want me, Luka?" She had nearly screamed the words, the full force of her hurt and anger coming out in them. They only added to Luka's own hurt.
"Oh, Abby, you have no idea how much I want you," he spoke gently. "But I can't hurt you." Walking back over to the couch, he kneeled down before her. "You're drunk. If I slept with you tonight, than tomorrow, you would never forgive me. I'd never forgive me. I can't hurt you."
She remained silent but the look in her eyes was pain-filled. She was hurt and she was deeply confused. And Luka didn't know what to do anymore. Actually, he knew he couldn't really do anything. She needed to silver-up. She needed sleep.
Luka stood and reached his hand out to her. She looked at him questioningly and he smiled. "Come on," he said gently. "You need to sleep."
Abby stood up with a nod. "I should go home."
"No, Abby. You're lucky you got here safely. You can sleep here tonight. Actually, I insist you sleep here tonight."
"No." Abby shook her head. "I'm going home."
Luka sighed. "Abby, don't argue with me. I am in no mood to drive you home right now, even if I were I wouldn't want to leave you alone. You're in no condition to go home alone. You're staying here." Luka's words were firm, telling her there was no opening for debate. He was relieved when all she did was take hold of his hand and allowed him to pull her to her feet. No more arguing, no more fighting. She'd sleep and then be herself in the morning. Then, they could have a real conversation.
Luka led her to his bedroom, having already come to the conclusion she'd sleep there and he'd take the couch. These sleeping arrangements didn't bother him at all. What did bother him was that he wouldn't be able to climb into the bed next to her, wrap his arms around her, and fall asleep with her. So many times he had slept with her in his arms that to have her sleeping, so closely, but separately, from him just didn't seem right. It was, in its way, painful.
Once in his room, Luka went into one of his dressers, pulled out a large t-shirt, and handed it to Abby. "You can sleep in this. I'll be right back."
Leaving the room, so that she could change clothes, which almost seemed ironic given he had seen her naked before, Luka went into a linen closet in the hallway and pulled out a blanket and pillow for him to sleep with. Putting both on the couch, he then returned to his bedroom to make sure Abby was okay. He found her already wrapped up in the blanket on his bed. The overhead light had been switched off and the room was in darkness, aside from the moonlight that seeped in through the closed curtains. He couldn't help but notice, as he watched her, how much she looked as though she belonged there.
He smiled over at her from the doorway. "You okay?" he questioned. In the darkness, he saw her answered nod. He didn't believe her though. He could still sense the pain in her. It was a pain that mirrored his own.
For many long moments, he stayed in the doorway just watching her, as she watched him, neither questioning the gesture. She appeared so vulnerable, so alone. Being wrapped up in his bed, wearing an oversized t-shirt of his, only added to this appearance. Luka knew that she really did need help and he prayed, to any god that was listening, that, this time, she'd let him help her. He wanted to help her, he needed to. He'd be there for her, for as long as she needed him.
So where were you
When all this I was going through
You never took the time to ask me
Just what you could do
Finally, Luka turned around to leave. Wrapped up in his own emotions, he knew he had a long and sleepless night ahead of him.
"Luka," she whispered, and he turned back around. In the moonlight, he could see the glistening of a few tears as they rolled down her face. "You're all I ever wanted. I never really tried though. I never tried to get very close to you. I didn't think you wanted that either. You never said anything and you always felt so distant. But I loved you, so I just took what I could from you and tried to be happy with that. I didn't want to lose you. I'm sorry. I love you."
Luka wasn't sure what to say. He didn't think she expected him to say anything either, and so he didn't. He just watched her silently as her eyes slowly closed and she drifted off into sleep. At last, he left his bedroom and headed for his empty and, oh so cold, couch. Once there, he finally allowed for his own tears to fall. He wasn't sure, though, what the tears were for. Happiness, sadness, anger? He didn't seem to feel any of those emotions. In fact, all he knew for sure, was simply that he felt.
The Next Morning. . .
Abby's mind slowly brought her into consciousness. She moaned in pain and brought a hand up to her head. The intense throbbing there was making it hard for her to think. She tried to remember the night before and what had taken place. She could remember, all too clearly, the things that had occurred at work. She could also remember going home and having a drink with her neighbor. Her first drink in six years, but the day had just become too much for her and she had needed the release. After she'd finished that drink she'd gone out to a liquor store and purchased her own eight-pack of beer. She'd then gone home and drank the eight-pack, all of it.
Presently, Abby slowly opened her eyes and looked over her surroundings. "Oh, god," she whispered, as she realize where she was.
She couldn't remember having come here. She couldn't even remember leaving her apartment, let alone ending up at Luka's apartment. Still, through the haze of her memory, she could remember bits and pieces of what had occurred here the night before. Most of what she could remember mortified her. She was somewhat familiar with this feeling though, as this was usually the way things went when her drunk self decided it wanted to leave home and go out somewhere.
Cautiously, Abby sat up and swung her legs over the bed she was laying on, Luka's bed. Waves of dizziness overcame her and she closed her eyes tightly, willing it to go away. Moments later she reopened her eyes and stood up from the bed. That's when she noticed that she was wearing one of Luka's t-shirts. A dreaded feeling came over her as she remembered something else from the previous night. She could remember herself laying on the couch with Luka on top of her, kissing her.
"Oh, god," she said again. Mortified was no longer a strong enough word. However, Abby quickly managed to push away such thoughts. Surely she'd remember if she'd had sex and, even more surely, Luka never would have had sex with her knowing she was drunk. And, there was no chance of him not having noticed a detail like that.
Finding her clothes, on the floor beside the bed, Abby quickly changed into them. She then stepped over to the door and, reluctantly, walked out into the hallway. She followed the hallway into the living room. There, she found Luka standing, his back to her, in the kitchen.
Taking in a deep breath, she began walking towards the kitchen. Luka happened to turn around at that moment and saw her advancing towards him. He smiled over at her. She didn't know if this were a good or a bad thing.
Reaching the kitchen, Abby took a seat on one of the stools that was pulled up to the food bar. She rested her elbows on the bar and then rested her head in her hands. She didn't know what to say. She said nothing.
"Here," Luka spoke. Afterwards she saw two pills being pushed, between her elbows, on the table. "Figured you would need these."
Abby lifted her head and took the pills. "Thanks," she said, watching him push a glace of water towards her as well.
"I'm making coffee. You want some?"
Abby nodded her head in reply, as she picked up the glass of water and then swallowed the pills he had given her with a large gulp of it. She knew, the pills would likely do her no good. But they were something.
She watched as Luka turned around and pulled two coffee mugs out of a cabinet above the kitchen counter. He then sat them both on the bar in front of her. Abby could, by now, smell the aroma of the coffee still brewing in the coffeemaker behind Luka and on the counter. She glanced around Luka and saw that the coffee was almost done brewing. She knew coffee would do nothing for her hangover but it would help, a little, to ease her tensions. In fact, what she was sure would help, was a cigarette. She knew, though, that Luka would never allow her to smoke in his apartment. He hated cigarettes. And, it was freezing outside, so she decided she'd have to settle for just the coffee right now.
"So," Luka began, "other than a hangover, you feeling okay?"
Abby looked up at him and nodded. "Yeah, great."
Luka didn't seem at all pleased with her sarcasm. "Abby--"
"We didn't have sex last night, did we Luka?" Abby suddenly asked. She had to know the answer. She certainly didn't feel as if she'd just has sex the night before but, if they had been together, she needed to know.
Luka was silent a few moments before finally answering her question, with his own question. "Do you really think I would sleep with you while you were drunk?"
"No," Abby whispered, "I just..." She had no real point to make, so she allowed her words to trail.
"Do you even remember what happened last night?" Luka questioned her.
Abby looked over at him doubtfully. "Some. A little here, a little there. I remember us kind of making out, so I just thought maybe..."
"Maybe I took advantage of you and brought you to my bed drunk and all," Luka continued, where her words had left off. He seemed hurt, and even annoyed, that she'd even think such a thing.
"No." Abby shook her head, then groaned at the exceeded pain the movement caused. "I don't think that. I'm sorry."
Behind Luka, the coffee maker had finished brewing. He was quick to turn around and retrieve the pot. Abby knew he wanted off the current subject. She suspected, from what little she could remember, that they'd gone a lot further last night than Luka wanted to admit to. He probably felt guilty that he had allowed even their little make-out session to happen. Abby didn't really care.
Luka poured her a cup of coffee and then took it upon himself to add to it everything she liked. In doing this he had managed to entice a small smile from Abby. He knew her well enough to know about the little things. Luka slid the cup her way and then continued to prepare his own coffee.
She watched him in silence for a few moments before speaking. "Luka, I'm sorry."
He looked up at her and blinked. "What?"
"I'm sorry I came here last night," Abby answered. "I can't even remember leaving my apartment, let alone deciding to come here and make your life miserable."
Luka walked around the bar and took a seat on a stool beside her. He swiveled in the chair so that he was facing her. Abby could do nothing though but turn her head so that she could meet his gaze.
"Don't be sorry, Abby. You didn't make my life miserable." He smiled over at her softly, as though trying to reassure her with his smile. "In fact, you didn't even make my night miserable."
Yeah, right," Abby spoke, with a half-laugh. "I show up on your doorstep, drunk, and it does nothing to upset you."
"I was upset," Luka spoke. "I was upset that you were drunk, that you never told me you were an alcoholic and that I never realized it. I was upset with some of the things you'd said last night. Not angry, but upset. I wish you had said those things to me when you were silver, it certainly would have helped a lot. But I'm not upset you came here, Abby. I'm not upset about that."
Abby sighed. "I'm still sorry."
"Don't be," he whispered.
I only know that I can change
Everything else just stays the same
So now I step out of the darkness
That my life because 'cause
"Abby," Luka continued softly. "What's really going on? Why were you drinking last night?"
"Just a really bad day at work, I guess," she whispered, looking down at the coffee in the mug before her. She watched as her reflection played off of its dark liquid.
"You guess?" Luka questioned skeptically.
Abby shrugged. "It's just... It's a lot of things... I... I feel like I'm talking with a shrink." She smiled and glanced back over at him. His own face remained somber. She looked back down at her mug and continued watching her reflection.
"I want to help you, Abby." Hearing those words, Abby decided it was time to leave. Luka must have sensed this. "Look, I know you don't want to be helped but you need help. I care about you, a lot, and I don't want to see anything happen to you. You can't go on like this. If you continue drinking, you are liable to lose everything. Your job--"
Abby stood up. "I'm going home."
"Abby, please..."
Abby turned quickly around to find Luka standing right in front of her. He was looking down at her with compassion and worry in his eyes. The same compassion and worry that she could hear in his voice.
She looked up and met his gaze. "I'm not going to continue to drink."
"How do I know that's true?" Luka questioned.
"Luka, I appreciate your concern. I appreciate that you care enough about me to want to help me." She paused for a moment, then continued. "This is something I have to do on my own though. I have a lot of things going on in my life right now. I need to work through it myself. You can't help me. Despite how corny it may sound, I really need to help myself right now. But, thank you, for caring." With her words out and her point having been spoken, Abby turned around and headed for the front door.
"If you do need anything..." his words trailed, their meaning obvious.
Abby smiled and looked back at him. "You will be the first person I call."
As Abby headed up the stairs, leading to the front door, she couldn't help but feel that her life would be pulled back together. Despite her headache, despite the memories of what had taken place last night and despite the fact that she knew how hard it would be to quit drinking again, she felt relatively good. She knew she could, and that she would, make it through this. She'd done it once before and would do it again. And, this time, she knew she wouldn't have to do it alone. She knew that if she needed someone, for anything, Luka would be there for her.
Abby suddenly stopped as she reached the top of the stairs. Another memory from last night had been playing at the back of her mind. She decided, she needed to confirm it.
Slowly, she turned around and looked down the steps at Luka. He was still standing where she had left him, watching her.
"Last night... I told you... I told you that I love you, didn't I?"
After a moment of silence, Luka slowly nodded his head. "Yes," came his whispered reply, "you did."
Nothing more was said between them. Abby neither confirmed, nor denied, the drunken confession. Instead, she turned around and left the apartment. Luka smiled to himself as he heard the door shut behind her. He knew there was more to be said between them. Indeed, their life together, was not yet over.
The End of Chapter 1 (Please Review)
DISCLAIMERS:
The above story is based on characters created and owned by Michael Crichton, NBC, Warner Bros., and any other persons or companies affiliated with the television drama "ER" but not mentioned within this disclaimer.
The above lyrics are from the song "Fade", written and performed by Staind.
______________________________________________________________________
"Thing Happy Thoughts" written 2002 by Abilene Keegan.
Please do not distribute without permission. Abilene_Keegan@hotmail.com.
Be sure to visit "The Luby Anthology" at http://www.geocities.com/lubyanthology.