This is my first Naruto fanfic, and it is a Tsunade-centric one-shot. She is mourning Jiraiya's death and drinking sake (surprise, surprise).

Disclaimer: I do not own 'Naruto' or any of its characters. Everything belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. I own nothing (that's probably why I spend all my days on the computer -.-)

I hope you enjoy :)

If you know someone who tries to drown their sorrows, you might tell them sorrows know how to swim.
~Quoted in P.S. I Love You

It is true that wisdom comes with age. It is also true that wisdom comes with suffering. Tsunade has had plenty of both.

She stared down at the newly opened bottle. The clear liquid sloshed around in the bottle and almost spilled out. She let out a sigh and tilted her head back with the bottle pressed to her lips. She gulped the sake down and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. She shuddered as the warm liquid ran down her throat and left her with a tingling sensation. Then she drank again. Thanks to Shizune, she couldn't drink often, and if she could, it was only a few sips during the day. But earlier today, she had managed to sneak away a few large bottles to her office. Now it was long past midnight, and Shizune was asleep. Tsunade could drown in peace.

Some time passed, so did the alcohol. She stared forlornly at the empty bottle before tossing it aside. She cringed at the noise it made when it hit the floor. She could see a crack in the pottery.

So fragile…one toss is enough to break its tough exterior…I guess that's all it takes for any of us. Humans are so much more fragile than they think. She gave a rueful smile before opening her second bottle.

She gave another sigh. "Bottoms up," she whispered in a coarse voice. And she drank.

Look at me, the great Fifth Hokage, sitting alone in a cold, empty office in the middle of the night drinking my heart out. This is what it's all come to. She snickered at herself, but it came out as a strangled cough as she tried to guzzle down her sake at the same time. She put the bottle down and covered her mouth as she coughed and choked. A moment passed before she was able to breathe again.

Tsunade remembered the last time she enjoyed a good drink, only days before now. She and Jiraiya were having their wondrous day out. Well, it would've been wonderful if she hadn't gotten too drunk to walk on her own. Still, Jiraiya didn't mind. He just knelt beside her and soothingly rubbed her back as she emptied her stomach in the filthy street.

He's always been there kneeling beside me. Granted, sometimes it was just so he could sneak a peek down my shirt, but he was still there. Funny, all these years gone by, and I just realize it. I'm really becoming a senile, old bat. I should've seen it sooner; I should've told him how important he was, always rubbing my back to soothe the pain and then leading me to the nearest bench when I couldn't move on my own. Even when I wasn't drunk off my ass, he helped me out. But now…

Tsunade drew a sharp breath and took another gulp of sake. Then another. And another. She kept drinking until there wasn't a drop left in the bottle. Then she tossed it aside.

She still had one bottle left. Rarely did she ever get this far before the emptiness inside of her was filled, and she could pass into an easy, drunken sleep. This time was different, though. She'd had that feeling inside of her for days now. It came the last day she spent with Jiraiya and has only sunken deeper. It's still sinking inside of her now as she tries to fill it with alcohol, and it's as if it's pulling her heart down with it.

Today she felt the worst pain she'd ever felt her entire life. Today she died a little more inside. Today she wondered for the first time if sake could even help her. No, nothing could. Today was the day she found out about her closest friend, Jiraiya.

He was dead; no amount of alcohol could let her slip away from that reality.

She couldn't help but feel guilty. He told her he could do it, that he had to. But what Naruto had told her was true.

'If he was Fifth Hokage, he'd have never made you go on that mission.'

She shook her head. Of course not. The old fool was in love with me, even after all this time. I did love him, I truly did…but not the same way. It's my fault he's gone…

Tsunade opened the last bottle of sake but paused before drinking. She gazed into the liquid and saw her reflection. Her blond hair was out of place and limply hung around her pale, tired face that held a pink flush to her cheeks. Her shadowed eyes looked glassy and bloodshot.

Jiraiya…is this the woman you fell in love with?

She saw her brown eyes tear up through the sake.

No, you fell in love with the happy little girl from the Academy. Too bad, she's gone. Life's taken its toll on me. I'm a drunken, old woman who's been through more pain than I care to remember. How can you love what I've become?

A teardrop fell upon her reflection and sent ripples through the bottle. Then another, and before she knew it, the Fifth Hokage was curled up in her seat by the window sobbing uncontrollably. She covered her head with her arms, ignoring the sake sloshing out of the bottle onto the floor. Tears dripped off her face one after another in a long stream. Her whole body shook and shuddered as she gasped and hiccupped for air between sobs.

She had drunken so much sake during her long life that she was like a bottle of it herself. But now, she felt empty and cold. She was like the bottle on the floor. She was broken.

"Jiraiya," she wailed. She kept repeating his name to herself, as if that could somehow bring him back because the sake couldn't take her away. She didn't care if someone happened to come and see her like this; right now, she just needed to cry.

Tsunade could only take so much. During the War, she never cried, no matter how many people she saw fall before her, mostly by her hands. When training, she never cried, no matter how frustrated or exhausted she was. Whenever she heard of the cruelty done by her former teammate, Orochimaru, she never cried. When gambling, she never cried, no matter how much money she lost. But take a loved one away, and she cried like a child.

Her brother…her lover…They were both killed, one before her very eyes. And just like with Jiraiya, it was all her fault.

She took one look at their still bodies and snapped. Both times, though, Jiraiya was able to comfort her. When her brother died, he held her close to him and let her cry until there was nothing left. When her lover died, Jiraiya wasn't there at the scene, but he was still able to comfort her when she returned to Konoha a few days later. He held her then, too.

Now, she wanted nothing more than to feel his warm arms around her.

This thought made her cry even harder. No more would he comfort her. She was alone now, all alone. She let him go, even when she knew in the bottom of her heart he wouldn't come back. She knew the day he died that he was gone. She knew before the old toad reported back to her that he was dead. She knew she'd seen him for the last time.

He was gone, along with that goofy grin of his and his warm arms. Now, all she has are some fuzzy memories and her warm alcohol. But tonight, even that wasn't enough.

Was it ever?

Tsunade didn't know how long she sat there crying until she finally stopped. With one last shuddering breath, she lowered her shaking arms and gazed into the half-empty bottle. Her eyes were even redder now, and there were trails of tears running down her flushed cheeks.

She gave a choked hiccup before taking a big gulp. But there was no comfort in this bottle. Now, the liquid that once calmed her with its warmth when Jiraiya's embraces couldn't burned her throat the whole way down. She grimaced and coughed as she spit out the rest of the sake. She tossed the bottle at the other two on the floor. It shattered.

Clay shards flew as the bottle's contents splattered across the floor. Tsunade stared at the mess before heaving a sigh. "Oh, Jiraiya," she whispered to herself.

She felt her eyelids flutter and her head bob in exhaustion. Time and alcohol were taking their toll on her. She folded her arms on the desk in front of her and laid her heavy head down. The room started to spin before everything grew fuzzy and began to fade.

Tsunade shut her eyes. An image of Jiraiya flashed before her. He was laughing like a child again and waving at her. 'Hey there, Tsunade!'

"Jiraiya," she muttered in a slurred voice. "Please come back to me Jiraiya. Please don't leave, please… I…" She saw him open his eyes and smile at her.

'It's okay, Tsunade. We won't be apart forever. I'll be waiting for ya, 'kay? I'll be beside you again, just like always. We'll all be together, just wait and see. I'll come back for you. I promise.'

Then he turned and began to walk away, slowly fading into the darkness. A lone tear trickled down her pale face onto her hand.

"Jiraiya. Don't forget."

Then she was washed in a familiar warmth, one just like his embrace.

She knew she was prone to losing when it came to making bets and gambling, so she never bet high, but this time was different. She'd bet her life a hundred times over and again that Jiraiya was there just now, right by her side with his arms wrapped around her shoulders. Even if just in spirit, he was there. She'd bet anything he was there.

"Jiraiya…"

With one last tear and a soft smile, Tsunade drifted into a peaceful sleep.

~*~The End~*~