Alright, this is the reason that sprite and brownies should never be consumed at once. It is just not safe for the environment. Ok, so if you can make it to the end of this and still have some hold on reality, we commend you. We would love if you would tell us how idiotic we are for writing something so bizarre, even we are surprised. Let me warn you that it is a rewrite of the original, 'cuz the original made little to no sense and I thought I'd fix that. Enjoy
Disclaimer: We DO NOT own Naruto, BLEACH, Gundum Seed, Death Note or any other anime related anything. Nor do we own any fictional characters from or related to those belonging to Pirates of the Caribbean. Dora and Boots we would never wish to own and we won't even go into detail about Garnet and Zidane. We also do not own Leif Erickson, not that we wouldn't like to, or Axel. We do, however, like red heads.
The Great Adventures of Leif Erickson A.K.A the 4th Hokage and/or Jack Sparrow
Kyo: Leif Erickson was once a great Viking who sailed across the Atlantic Ocean. This is how he stumbled across the Village Hidden in the Leaves.
Kaoru: Actually, Leif Erickson was really a great pirate (Ignore Kyo's previous words- she knows not what she speaks of), who lived in the 18th century, that sailed off the end of the world.
Kagura: -At this point in time the world was flat. It only became spherical in the later years to come-
Kaoru: Anyways, he wasn't even called Leif Erickson. His name was Jack Sparrow. I don't know what the hell Kyo thinks she's talking about but ya know…I don't really care. After falling off the end of the world, he fell into the Village Hidden in the Green Sparrows, but thought (with his name being Jack Sparrow) that the name was too redundant. He therefore renamed the village to the Village Hidden in the Leaves.
Kagura: -He was too drunk at the time to remember how to spell "leif" in the normal, English fashion and continued to misspell it as "leaf."
Kaoru: He almost died upon entering the ninja village, but his lack of coherent thought- due to drunkenness- made him quick and wobbly on his feet, impressing all the ninja in the village with his great moves.
Kagura: -The man reminded them of an even drunker than usual Axel.
Kyo: Leif Erickson- the man Kaoru for some reason has confused with the fictional character played by the actor Johnny Depp- soon gained the favor of the entire village. He then purposely tripped over an undersized rock, enabling him to fall on his face. Somehow, upon ascent, he found himself in a tree.
Kagura: This was not at all unusual for him. Because, being drunk 99.9999937% of the time, he always found himself someplace he hadn't been a minute ago.
Kyo: Leif then jumped onto another branch to escape the first branch-
Kagura: Somehow he thought that the branch was out to get him.
Kyo: -but missed and fell into a river.
Kaoru: Jack Sparrow- who is in no way fictional whatsoever- was carried by the river for days. His hair was then BLEACHed by the constant sunlight.
Kagura: And for reason unknown his brown eyes turned bright blue. Oh! And his hair was cut…and spiked!
Kyo: Leif - who is in no way related to Jack Sparrow (who is SO a fictional character!)- was carried off the waterfall at the edge of the Valley of the End and fell (for the umpteenth time) on the leaders of the great Shinobi Wars while they were bathing.
Kagura: He actually killed the leaders (excluding the ones from the Village Hidden in the Leaves who had been engaged in an enticing golf game while all this happened) with the dagger in his back pocket (by accident of course)
Kaoru: He always forgot that he carried a dagger in his back pocket.
Kagura: Later, the ninjas (what is the plural of ninja? Ninjas? Ninjai? or just ninja?) made their own version of a dagger and called it a kunai. They in no way wanted to be reminded of the summoner princesses that is head over heals with the monkey boy becuse at this point in time, interspecies relations were frowned upon.
Kyo: Leif Erickson kept slipping over and over as he tried to get out of the water he had been trapped in for days.
Kagura: His legs were not working so well because even though he had been away from civilization for weeks, he still carried enough alcohol to stay intoxicated.
Kaoru: This not only proves that being drunk kills, but that he was really Jack Sparrow. Only Jack Sparrow would carry that much alcohol for no apparent reason.
Kyo: It is pointless arguing with you Kaoru. Anyway, someone saw him tripping over all the dead bodies and -not realizing that the naked men in the water were dead- took it wrong and ran back to his village to tell everyone of the strange man.
Kagura: This is how the news that he was gay spread so quickly.
Kyo: Yes, and the person (who we were too busy to give a name or gender) had over heard him screaming "Yowie!!!" a lot and the name just sort of stuck.
Kagura: And thus, the birth of Yaoi. We have no idea how the hell Yuri was born, so don't ask.
Kyo: Lillis?
Kaoru: Moving on. Jack- who is so much more real than these characters- was hated immensely by the villagers, not for being rumoredly gay, but for drinking all their rum and leaving them with nothing but stale rice water.
Kagura: But because he had ended the Great Ninja War they gave him the title of 4th Hokage anyway.
Kaoru: Jack turned out to be totally straight and ended up marrying and having a son.
Kyo: Leif's favorite food was the fish paste cakes that you put on ramen to decorate it!
Kagura: So, naturally, he named his son after the delectable treat. Also, the 4th's wife turned out to be ½ fox so, logically, their son was ¼ fox.
Kaoru: Jack didn't like the fact that his son was born with a tail and whiskers so he had the tail implanted into the infant's spine and the whiskers plastered onto his face for all eternity. The 4th was then accused of child abuse by the villagers.
Kyo: Leif was, shortly after being acused, convicted of child abuse and became deeply angered. To get back at the village he blew half of it up along with himself, but not before drinking all the rum that they had restocked over the years.
Kagura: Of course, after blowing up he became a Shinigami, but that is another story altogether. However, no one remembers a thing about the incident because of a mysterious woman named Anastasia who had erased their memories with her magic powers.
Kaoru: Back in the Village Hidden in the Leaves- After Jack's death- the villagers that had not blown up, blamed the shrieking child of Jack Sparrow himself for the whole mess.
Kyo: Once again, Anastasia fell from the heavens to erase the memories of the villagers, to give Naruto another chance at a happy life, cuz she was cool like that.
Kaoru: While the villagers were confused, a fox wearing a Zorro mask, ran through the village, swiping up the screaming Naruto by the stomach (he carried him the way all foxes carry their young). Then he took off.
Kyo: The fox and baby were then followed by a small Mexican girl and her not-monkey-of-a-lemur. They were screaming, "Swiper, no swiping!" The fox then (for no reason whatsoever) dropped the infant and said, "Aw, man!" The little Mexican girl then started up in song.
Kagura: The song was something about a backpack before she extracted a black Sharpie from the outrageously happy, purple backpack of hers.
Kaoru: She used the Sharpie to connect all the teeth marks that were imprinted onto Naruto's stomach in the shape of a circle.
Kagura: She thought she was playing connect-the-dots.
Kyo: She drew a swirly in the middle of the circle when she was done!
Kagura: Then she decided to add squiggles to make it more artistic, before running off with her lemur-not-monkey.
Kaoru: For a 3rd time, Anastasia makes her appearance and erases the memories of the "little Mexican girl"- as Kyo calls her- but alas, Anastasia's powers were at an end.
Kagura: She couldn't erase the fox entirely from everyone's memory, but she could erase the Zorro mask and the general shape of the fox.
Kaoru: She also accidentally erased the villager's ability to spell.
Kagura: Hence the reason "leif" is now spelled "leaf". And that "Anastasia" is now spelled "amnesia", "dagger" is now spelled "kunai", "stale rice water" is now called "sake", and "fox" is now spelled "kyuubi"
Kyo: What the Leif Erickson?! O.O
Kaoru: Also, the knowledge of their own technology was somehow lost.
Kagura: Hence the reason for telephone lines, but no actual telephones themselves.
Kyo: They have computers though!
Kaoru: Yeah, but no keyboards.
Kyo: And walkie-talkies!
Kagura: But no phones.
Kyo: Movies!
Kaoru: But no TVs.
Kyo: Fridges!!!!
Kaoru: But no microwaves.
Kyo: Stoves!!!
Kagura: But no phones.
Kyo: Movie cameras!!
Kaoru: But no security cameras.
Kagura: Or digital cameras for that matter.
Kaoru: Ah, this is true.
Kyo: How about IVs and heart monitors!?
Kaoru: They got those, but no radios.
Kagura: Don't forget; no phones.
Kaoru: They got professional looking buttons.
Kagura: But still, NO PHONES!
***
"And that, Mr. Zecher, is our report on Leif Erickson!" Kyo said with a brilliantly bright smile, only furthering the reason the entire class, teacher included, was shocked into and unhealthy silence. The room was entirely quite for about five minutes, building the suspense for Kagura and Kaoru, who were praying to any entity that would listen, just to have their World History teacher just look the other way this once.
Then, out of nowhere, the entire class burst out in laughter, which in turn brought their teacher out of his stupor. "I'm glad you girls can take my class as such a joke while your peers work hard to earn good grades." he began with the sarcastic/pissed off tone teachers often took when students fooled around in class. Kaoru and Kagura groaned to themselves, dreading the fact that they let Kyo write up their report all by herself. Kyo, however, frowned.
"We were serious sir." she said before either Kaoru or Kagura could stop her. "If we were joking we would have said something like 'Leif Erickson finds a nickel and names it Flay. Of course, Flay slept with Kira, but is madly in love with Sai because of his amazing drawings of stick figures (He is obsessed with sticks after all. Especially Naruto's (or the lack there of)). Sadly, Kira turns out to be a mass murderer and kills Flay in a giant explosion all by writing it in a pretty little black book. Cagali is pleased. And this was the cause of Leif Erickson's discovery of Iceland.'" she said with a nod. Kagura began sobbing into Kaoru's shoulder out of sheer loss of hope for their already blemished World History grades.
As Kaoru consoled a weeping Kagura an idea struck her, making her hold on to that last little glimmer of hope she normally would have bode a fond farewell to way back when she first read Kyo's script (because apperently writing papers are boring) five minutes before presenting. "No, sir, you misunderstand." she said, walking forward abruptly, making Kagura fall over with nothing left to support her.
"We were merely experimenting with the Chaos theory that we were discussing in the lecture last week." she defended. "You know, where every event is totally random and has nothing to do with something else."Kagura, seeing where Kaoru was going with this, clasped her hands over Kyo's mouth before she could make a sarcastic comment, thanking whatever it was that struck Kaoru with this idea. "We thought it was absurd how some of the articles about Leif Erickson were so crazy and chaotic, we had to write this." she prompted, giving a sweet little smile to him.
He nodded, thinking over her words. Slowly, he wrote something down, a wide smirk spreading across his face. "In that case," he began, eyes landing on the innocent little Kaoru fondly, "I say that deserves some extra credit, don't you?" Kaoru gave a cute little laugh while the class was enveloped in silence again.
When the bell rang abruptly, the three girls were the first ones out of the classroom. Kagura tackled Kaoru in the hallway. "This is why we are friends!" she screamed, choking the girl.
After she extracted the unwanted appendage from her being, she sighed and dusted herself off. "They always fall for the innocent smile. I will never understand." Kaoru said with a shake of her head.
Kyo gawked at her. "You don't have to understand! You have a gift, you should use it to better man kind!" she exclaimed.
"Yeah! And obviously, that means to cheat and lie and steal!" Kagura said, hooking one arm around Kyo and the other around Kaoru. "Now, to Language Arts!"
Okay, who made it to the end? lol. Did it make sense? Like, at all?