Purple stole the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Invader Zim characters. He thought it was a donut for some reason. Here's what happened to our favorite co-rulers after Rise of the InvaderZ! MADNESS! IT'S ALL JUST MADNESS FROM MY HEAD!
Red And Purple Blues
"This is all Zim's fault," Red grumbled for the seven thousandth time that trip.
"Mostly Zim's fault," Purple contradicted for the seven thousandth time. "Some of it belongs to his little friend from Earth."
"Still all Zim's fault because if he never made contact with that human Dib freak he would never have come to Irk in the first place!" Red shouted.
"Well it was your idea to just send Zim off into outer space to who knows where!" Purple yelled. "Should have done your research."
"Hey! Don't blame that on me! If I recall you were perfectly willing to go along with it!" Red yelled back.
"You know what our big mistake was?" Purple sighed.
"Besides not springing for larger escape pods with stronger hyperdrives?" Red groaned.
"We never should have simply invaded," Purple went on. "We should have just used the Positron Torpedo Lasers and blown up that stinking Earth the second we entered that solar system! Or better yet, blown up their sun! Let them die a cold rotting death!"
"The first intelligent thing you've said in weeks!" Red snapped. "Bravo!" He clapped sarcastically.
"Don't start with me!" Purple snapped. "This is not my fault!"
"And you're saying it's mine?" Red yelled.
"Well all your bright ideas haven't exactly been fruitful now, have they?" Purple snapped.
"At least I'm the one who comes up with the bright ideas!" Red snapped back. "Unlike somebody who just sits around all day waiting for snacks and letting me do all the work!"
"Oh do not go there!" Purple yelled at him. "Because we both know what's at the end of that!"
"Yeah! One big headed stupid purple wearing moron who does nothing!" Red yelled.
"Nothing? Nothing? If it wasn't for me we wouldn't even be the Tallest!" Purple shouted. "If I hadn't talked you into stopping at the snack bar on the way to the Great Selection of Tallest that day, we both would have been killed just like almost all the other candidates!"
"Except of course for Zim," Red grumbled at the memory. "I don't even know how he managed to get his name into the Selection of Tallest! He hadn't grown an inch since he left Smeet Academy!"
"Knowing him he probably cheated," Purple suggested. "Anyway because of me we escaped the Great Ka-Boom which Zim caused and we were the only two tall candidates left on Irk! Therefore I am responsible for us becoming the Tallest! And let's not forget the little situation on Planet Taurus Five the Super Mall."
"That does not count!" Red pointed his finger at him.
"Yes it does," Purple went on. "Because it was my ice cream that assassin slipped on and broke his neck! Plus I'm the one who paid off all those salespeople with my credit card!"
"Technically that was the Treasury of Irk's credit card," Red huffed. "And it was my idea to use planetary funds to go shopping!"
"But it was my idea to get ice cream that day!" Purple yelled. "Thirdly I'm the one who got us both into Officer Academy! If it wasn't for me sucking up to General Iroh and finding out how much he loves tea, the two of us would have ended up as just mere invaders instead of on the fast track to Officer status aka Planetary Management aka Tallest!"
"You always have to hold that over my head," Red folded his arms.
"Iroh never even liked you," Purple dug in the knife a little more. "He was planning on recommending you go to Planet Blorch with the giant rats. But I convinced him that you were good at picking out scones that go with tea…"
"He was not!" Red snapped. "You lie! I got the highest scores at the Academy! I earned my way into Officer Academy!"
"Yes after I told you how to make sparkleberry scones!" Purple taunted. "And gave you that pretty red dress! Why he thought you were a female I will never know."
"You swore an oath that you would never bring that up!" Red snapped. "Besides everyone knew that Iroh's antennae were never quite right after the Battle of Flem! He thought everyone was female! Even himself!"
"Oh General you are such an Invader…" Purple twittered and batted his eyes.
"THAT'S IT!" Red tackled Purple. The two of them fought in the small ship, screaming and cursing at each other.
Just then the instruments on the escape pod buzzed. "Hey! There's an Irken ship nearby!" Purple gasped.
"It's about freaking time!" Red snarled. He turned on the communications channel. "Hey! Hey! Listen up here! It's your Tallest! Hey! Can anybody hear me?"
"Tallest? Is that you?" Someone called out.
"Yes it's us! We've been flying around here with a shorted out hyper drive for weeks!" Red shouted.
"Yeah we got left behind after the Invasion of Earth!" Purple called out. "We're tired, cramped and out of snacks!"
"Just hold on Tallest," The Irken spoke. "We'll get you onto our ship in a minute."
"Oh thank the Ancient Hive," Red moaned as the Irken ship pulled them in with a tractor beam. "We're saved! And once we get some snacks into us, Zim and his little Earth friends are going to be doomed!"
"Yeah! Doomed!" Purple agreed. "Kind of weird though. Was it just me or did that guy sound…less than adoring by our presence?"
"I don't care! As long as we get off this stinking ship!" Red grumbled. "And maybe some alone time?"
"Three weeks in an escape pod with you is not exactly my idea of a vacation either!" Purple snapped. "You're not always the most pleasant traveling companion you know?"
"How pleasant do you expect me to be when you keep yammering all the time?" Red snapped. "You wouldn't shut up during the whole trip!"
"I was trying to keep our spirits up!" Purple snapped.
"You were trying to annoy me to death!" Red yelled back
"Hold it! Hold it! Let's focus on what's important here!" Purple stopped. "Regaining our strength and getting revenge on Zim!"
"Yes, revenge is good," Red's eye twitched. "Zim is the enemy."
"Right! Here is what we are going to do," Purple said. "We're gonna take a couple days off. Relax, regroup…Get some good snacks into us. And then…"
"Then we'll come up with a new plan to destroy not only Zim but that Dib creature!" Red snarled. "Operation Let's Kill Zim and Dib!"
"Oooh! I like the sound of that," Purple cackled. "See? We're getting our mojo back already!"
"Right! Just a few days of rest and snacks and then we'll find a way to get rid of Zim and Earth once and for all!" Red grunted. "Not necessarily in that order!"
"Maybe we should blow up the Earth first?" Purple said. "All it did was get wrecked."
"Yeah I say we get the armada and blow it up into oblivion!" Red snarled.
"Correction, blow up it's sun first then the Earth," Purple said.
"Yeah even better," Red snarled. "Because if we do that if for some reason Earth does survive our hammering, without a sun it will become cold and lifeless!"
"Then we will go and make Zim and Dib cold and lifeless!" Purple shouted.
"YES!" Red made a fist. Then he frowned. "Purple I want to apologize…"
"No, no apology is necessary," Purple said.
"Yes it is! I've been taking out this whole mess out on you when we both know Zim is to blame."
"Zim and Dib. Don't forget the Dib."
"How could I ever forget the Dib?" Red snarled.
"Red I am so sorry," Purple said. "It's just that being stuck in here with Zim and Dib out there and all the stuff they did to us…"
"I know! You feel so helpless! And full of rage!" Red agreed.
"Well now that we're back home we won't be helpless anymore and can put our rage back to good use," Purple said. "Just remember who the enemy really is."
"Zim…" Red snarled.
"And Dib…" Purple growled.
"Are going to pay," Both said at the same time.
It wasn't long before the pod had been towed into the hangar bay. "Ugh! If I never go in another escape pod as long as I live it will still not be long enough!" Red stood up and stretched.
"My spine will be curved for weeks…" Purple moaned. A group of Irkens emerged around them. "Hello loyal subjects. No need to worry. Your Tallest have returned!"
"Yeah and it's about time too!" One snapped as they all pulled out their blasters and pointed them at the Tallest.
"Hey what are you stupid little Shorties doing?" Red snapped.
"Yeah! Don't you know who we are?" Purple said indignantly.
"We know who you were," An Invader snarled. "You're under arrest!"
"Arrest? For what?" Red put his hands on his hips.
"Oh I dunno, maybe being responsible for the fall of our empire and nearly condemning our race to extinction!" Another Invader shouted. "Any of that ring a bell?"
"Uh that was Zim and Dib," Purple said. "Now I know you're all upset and believe me, so are we."
"We are very upset," Red snorted. "But we've come up with a plan called…"
"Shut up, Tallest!" An Invader snarled.
"Did you just tell me, to shut up?" Red's eye twitched. "You? A short little nobody tell me, your Tallest to shut up?"
"Yes this little Commander Pesto told you, you stupid losers to shut up!" Pesto shouted.
"Oh you are sooooo going to be kicked out of the Invaders," Purple snapped. "Seriously, just threw your career down the drain!"
"Get us some snacks Pesto. Might as well practice serving food for your rest of your life, working at Foodcourtia!" Red agreed. "Because your life here, with us…Over!"
"I don't think so," Pesto snarled. He turned to the other Invaders. "Take them to the brig and set course for home!"
"Now listen here you little…HEY!" Red was poked by the Irkens. "Watch it!"
"Hey! Quit shoving!" Purple yelled as they were shoved down a corridor.
"Move it, Tallest!" An Irken sneered.
"You jerks are finally going to get what's coming to you!" An Irken technician joined in the jeering. Irkens from all over the ship yelled and jeered at them. Some of them threw garbage at the Tallest all the way to the holding cells.
"Get in there! Enjoy your stay, Tallest!" They cackled as the two Irken leaders were shoved into a white cell with a force field. Then they were left alone.
"These are not the accommodations we're used to," Purple blinked. "Red something is seriously wrong here."
"Obviously!" Red grumbled as he sat on a chair.
"You don't think they blame us for all the stuff Zim did do you?"
"It seems a very real possibility," Red grumbled.
"But how could they blame us? We didn't do anything!" Purple said.
"Except send Zim to Earth and failed to kill Zim," Red frowned. "And we allowed those talks with the Resisty that let that Dib creature onto Irk…"
"Where he got into a fight with Zim that trashed the planet," Purple's antennae drooped. "Yeah I can see where this is going."
"And of course the invasion of Earth was less than successful," Red realized their predicament.
"Understatement of the year! It was a downright disaster!" Purple moaned. "But how were we supposed to know that Earth was able to repel us?"
"I dunno. Dib might have been a clue!" Red grunted. "That one big headed human smeet trashed our entire planet!"
"Yeah but he had help with Zim on that so…" Purple shrugged.
"And maybe we should have paid closer attention to all those reports Zim sent us?" Red groaned. "What Earth lacked in intelligence and technology, it more than made up for in ferocity and insanity!"
"Plus that acid rain thingy didn't help us either," Purple added. "But again they also had Zim that little turncoat on their side!"
"That's the answer! We blame everything on Zim and Dib!" Red came up with a plan. "I mean we did everything we could to get rid of Zim! We tried to kill him or get rid of him fifty two times and nothing worked! They can't blame us for that!"
"No they can't!" Purple said cheerfully. "Can they?"
A few hours later they were back on Irk. What was left of it. "Hey quit shoving!" Purple snapped as they were shoved through the ruined streets to a large tent in front. Hundreds of Irkens lined the way, jeering and shouting at them.
"This is ridiculous! No Tallest has ever been treated with such disrespect!" Red shouted. He was hit in the face with some kind of ripe fruit.
"No Tallest has ever deserved this kind of disrespect before!" Someone shouted. The crowd agreed.
"Take them to the council!" An Invader yelled.
"Council? What council? Hey watch it!" Red snapped as they were shoved along by the Invaders pointing their blasters at them.
"Is it me or does Irk look even…Worse than it did when we left?" Purple looked around.
"How the hell should I know?" Red snapped. "Quit shoving! Seriously! Wait are you lot carrying pitchforks and torches? Pitchforks and torches on one of the most technologically advanced planets in the universe? SERIOUSLY?"
They were shoved into a huge tent and made to stand in a box of some sort. Before them was a huge table and at the table were several Irkens in blue robes. "What's this? Are they throwing us a party?" Purple blinked.
"I don't think so…" Red frowned.
"All be silent!" Former Invader Tenn spoke up. The crowd quieted.
"Invader Tenn, oh thank goodness you're here! Listen…" Red began.
"Shut up Red! The Council of Irk shall now commence the trial!" Tenn slammed her gavel.
"Council of Irk? Since when do we have a Council of Irk?" Purple asked.
"Since a week ago after some jerks from the planet Flimmel tried to blow us all up again!" Skoodge snorted. He was also at the table wearing a blue robe.
"Flimmel? Wait isn't that the mercenary planet that we hire to do odd jobs?" Red asked.
"Yeah. Someone hired them to do a job on us!" Tenn shouted.
"Oh…" Red blinked.
"Wait how exactly does this council thingy work?" Purple blinked. "And why is Skoodge a part of it?"
"Yeah and almost all of you are pretty short," Red was stunned.
"Silence!" Tenn snapped. "I Tenn, leader of the Council of Irk call my ruling council. Council Deegee, Council Skoodge, Council Nia, Council El, Council Slacks and Council Blue."
"Blue? Blue isn't even a freaking invader!" Red shouted. "He's just a doctor!"
"The Head of Medical staff and Genetic Advancement," Council Blue who was named for his unusual blue eyes glared at them. He was also somewhat tall and thin. (But not as tall as either Purple or Red) "Highest ranking doctor on Irk!"
"Yeah, yeah that only meant you could leave before anyone else to go play Flerk Ball on the course," Purple waved. "I mean all you're in charge of is patching up the wounded and making smeets! I mean what's good about that?"
"What about Kip and Sklen? At least they're real Invaders?" Red asked.
"Kip and Sklen gave their lives to save us all when the Flimmel attacked!" Tenn shouted. "And considering the state of our species I thought it was a good idea to have one medical expert on the council so the mistakes of the past can never be recreated!"
"But this council thing can't be legal! I mean come on!" Purple said.
"That's what we thought at first until Council Blue found a clause stating that if the Control Brains were destroyed in any way a group of Irkens should be put in charge an rule by council until a new group of Control Brains are made," Slacks explained.
"And we're not going to be in any hurry to make a new group of Control Brains," El said.
"Well we figured that part out," Red rolled his eyes. "Duh!"
"Yeah we like this council thing and we're gonna run with it. Council Deegee please read the charges against the defendants," Skoodge asked.
Deegee, an Invader with pink eyes cleared her throat. "This is the trial of Irk Verses Former Tallest Red and Former Tallest Purple. The charges are: Gross Mismanagement of the Irken Empire, Extreme Neglect of the Irken Empire, Complete Incompetence of Running the Irken Empire, Unbelievable Indifference of the Needs of the Citizens of the Irken Empire, The Destruction of the Control Brains…"
"That was Zim! You can't blame us for that!" Red shouted.
"Failure to Restore the Control Brains," Deegee kept going. "Failure to Protect the Irken Race from Our Enemies, Contribution to the Fall of the Irken Empire, The Failure of the Battle against Planet Earth…"
"Again, not our fault! All Zim!" Purple yelled.
"Contribution to the Destruction of Irk and Participation of the Day of the Dib," Deegee went on.
"Oh come on! How are we responsible for that?" Red shouted. "Come on!"
"Failure to Protect Irk from Invader Zim and Dib," Deegee went on.
"We did everything possible to get rid of Zim!" Purple shouted. "We banished him like five times! He kept coming back like crabgrass!"
"We tried killing him! We tried having him deactivated! We even tried sending him into a flaming sun to get burned into ashes! What more could we have possibly done?" Red pleaded.
"Succeeded?" Someone called out.
"Oh yeah it's real easy to be a back seat driver!" Purple snapped.
"And finally Failure to Distribute Snacks to the Invader Population Fairly and just plain stupidity in general," Deegee gave them a look.
"This is about those donuts I swiped a while back isn't it?" Red groaned. "Okay in hindsight maybe we should have been a little less greedy."
"But in our defense they were really tasty donuts," Purple spoke up.
"Wait a minute! This can't be legal!" Red snapped. "You're all shorter than we are! This goes against the natural order!"
"So is being so incompetent that our entire way of life is destroyed forever!" Tenn shouted.
"Besides I just found a little loophole in the Constitution of Irk," Blue held up a document.
"Irk has a Constitution? Since when?" Red was stunned.
"It's in the very back of the rule protocol book," Blue said. "Anyway there's an article: Article 567 clearly states if the Tallest of Irk somehow screws up the Empire and causes it's demise in any way, a new group of council leaders will be given special growth hormone drugs and whoever grows the most will be instated as the new Tallest."
"So that's how you ended up on the council!" Red snapped. "You traded in your knowledge of drugs for a seat."
"Didn't hurt," Blue admitted with a shrug.
"I always suspected you of juicing yourself a few extra inches of height," Purple snapped.
"So why is everyone still short?" Red asked looking around.
"We're working on the growth formula as we speak," Blue remarked. "After your trial it should be ready."
"And I'll bet that formula will only have Blue grow taller than everyone else!" Red snapped. "Can't you all see that this jerk is just trying to grab power for himself? And power away from us?"
"This isn't about Blue! This is about you and how you screwed everything up!" Tenn shouted.
"Look it's not us! It's Zim! And Dib! Those are the ones that actually wrecked Irk and caused us to lose the battle against the Earth!" Red snapped. "Everyone knows what kind of maniacs they are!"
"Silence! You'll have your chance to defend yourselves!" El shouted. "Council Blue, you may start the prosecution."
"Thank you. Fellow Irkens…Once the Irken Empire spanned across galaxies!" Blue spoke dramatically. "Once the universe feared us! To be an Invader meant something! We were mighty! We were unstoppable! Planet after planet fell to our might! Our culture spread throughout the universe…And then the Day of the Dib happened. Then the failed Invasion of Earth."
"Now look at our people!" Blue pointed. "Look at them! Look at how hurt and hungry they are! Look at how our once mighty pride has been broken! Our empire is no more. Our beautiful home world is in ruins! Our former subjects now hunt us like animals everywhere we go! AND IT'S ALL THEIR FAULT!" Blue pointed at Red and Purple.
"Uh excuse me, but come on! Zim and Dib do share quite a bit of the blame!" Purple snapped.
"True but it's your terrible mismanagement of the Irken Empire that made it possible for them to damage our empire!" Blue snapped.
"If we can even call it that anymore," Skoodge grumbled.
"All we have left now are three other planets besides Irk," Blue lowered his head. "Dirt, Devastasis and Den…And that's only because nobody else wants them! They've all been bombed and destroyed beyond recognition. And you can't blame Zim for that!"
"Of course I can!" Red snapped. "Besides we can take back all those other planets!"
"With what?" Blue snarled. "You sent half our fleet either to wormholes or planets that blew them up and a quarter were destroyed on Earth! What few ships we have left are patrolling what is left of our territory in order to protect our people from invaders!"
"Invaders? What do you mean?" Red asked.
"I mean invaders! As in other aliens invading our planet!" Blue snarled. "The Resisty has grown into the Planetary Federation, and they've all banded together to destroy us! Or hire pirates to attack our world!"
"Irk alone has been attacked five times since the disaster at Earth," Tenn grumbled. "Including an attack which happened not even one hour after all of you left for your failed campaign!"
"If it was not for the brave sacrifice of Tenn and the members of the Council who chose to disobey your orders, our once proud race would be extinct by now!" Skoodge snarled.
"You said before I was only a doctor, good only for patching up the wounded and making smeets," Blue said bitterly. "What you consider a menial job I consider an honor! Look at our brave wounded over there!"
He pointed to several bandaged and banged up Irkens. "These warriors gave their bodies and in some cases their lives to protect Irk and our people from extinction! Is it not right that they be cared for and honored for the service they gave our people?"
"And over here are the smeets," Blue dramatically pointed to a group of smeets tended by some Irken caretakers. "Tiny helpless little smeets. The future of our race. They're the ones who are going to have to grow up in a universe that hates and fears them! They're the ones who will pick up Irk from the ashes of defeat and rebuild it to a glorious victory! They're the ones who are going to have to clean up the mess you made and try to fix everything! And it's not gonna be fixed for a long, long, long time misters!"
"It's so bad there can't be any defectives among the smeets and cadets for at least a generation," Tenn sighed.
"What do you mean? I see one smeet with two colored eyes over there," Purple pointed to a smeet with one red and one purple eye.
"Let me rephrase that, there can't be any smeets labeled defective even if under normal circumstances they would be," Tenn explained.
"You would allow defects to taint our race?" Red gasped.
"Why not? You let one run wild for years!" Nia snapped. "As long as any Irken can fight and work they're in. We ain't in a position to be picky anymore!"
"Most of our genetic smeeting equipment was destroyed on the Day of the Dib," Skoodge explained. "Not to mention we'll have to completely rebuild the hatchery and Smeet Academy. It'll be a full Irk year before we can start creating more. And since one year on our planet is the equivalent of nine to the rest of the universe…Well you get the picture."
"I've had to ban the normal selection processes and culling programs from the Smeet Raising Programs," Blue said. "As long as a smeet can function, no matter how slow or weak they are they must survive."
"It couldn't have gotten that bad!" Red gasped.
"Our species has been decimated from billions to under one million in under a few weeks," Blue snapped. "It's that bad!"
"And our people are still dying…" Tenn sighed.
"Fleck!" Purple swore angrily. The council and crowd of Irkens gasped in shock at his language.
"Hey watch your language! There are smeets here!" Blue snapped.
Purple glared at him. "You don't fool me Blue. I've heard about you. You were always weak when it came to sorting out smeets. I've heard the stories from your own subordinates. Those smeets you were supposed to terminate for failure either get their scores adjusted or sent to a 'special lab'."
Blue stiffened and glared at Purple. "I changed the testing conditions. It was agreed by the Smeet Review Board that the tests were too restrictive. I admit that. The more smeets pass the more soldiers we have. And yes I take smeets that are deemed defective for testing purposes. That's my right as head of the Medical Board. And standard practice."
"But you don't really test them do you? Oh wait I suppose seeing how long you play Fun Ball with them is a form of testing isn't it?" Purple sneered. "I think you're training those smeets to be your own loyal army!"
"What I do in my private labs is not your business! Not anymore!" Blue snapped. "If I was building a private army don't you think Irkens would have noticed after all these years?"
"Would have come in handy if he did," Skoodge grumbled.
"Don't play dumb with me. I checked my records! You're the one who passed Zim!" Purple yelled. The crowd gasped. "That's right! It's all his fault!"
"I was also ordered to terminate Skoodge and Tenn because they were also deemed too weak and dozens of other Smeets who were perfectly fine," Blue admitted. "They just needed extra vitamins and tutoring. Okay Zim was a bad seed but still one out of a dozen isn't bad odds."
"It is if it's Zim!" Red snapped. "You're trying to pass the ball of your mistake to us! You let him survive his Smeet years!"
"I had no idea he'd turn into a maniac of such gigantic proportions! I just got him ready for training! The rest was in the hands of his teachers and leaders!" Blue pointed. "I had nothing to do with him passing his Invader Exam! I had nothing to do with training him to be a scientist on the moon of Vortia! I had nothing to do with his placement in Operation Impending Doom One and Two!"
"He's right," Skoodge said. "Zim could have still gotten terminated in a dozen other ways from a dozen other teachers. I guess he's just lucky like that."
"Wait you're giving Blue a pass and not us?" Red snapped.
"All I did was try to fix the little maniac! It's not my fault his training didn't take!" Blue snapped. "All the other smeets turned out fine!"
"I remember you now," Tenn looked at Blue. "I remember I had trouble thinking things until I was sent to the Blue Rooms. Then I got smarter."
"You and many other Smeets suffered from a treatable condition known as Premature Hatching Syndrome," Blue said. "Your bodies were ready but your primary brains weren't. Which of course leads to non synchronization with your PAK brain. All you needed was some extra time and nutrients and drugs to help you catch up with the others. It would have been wasteful to simply destroy a smeet just because of a treatable condition."
"Did Zim have this condition too?" Skoodge asked.
"Not exactly…" Blue sighed. "He was an Experimental Batch. A First Mixer."
"What's a First Mixer?" Slacks blinked.
"That's when a new combination of Irken DNA is mixed. Before all the bugs are hammered out. Of course usually First Mixers don't survive past the first semester of gestation. Mostly because their DNA is flawed. But for some reason Zim survived and made it through the hatching stage," Blue explained. "In fact he's the only First Mixer to ever survive in the entire history of Irk."
"Are you kidding me?" Red was stunned.
"That's why I saved him. To find out why he survived while others failed. I got some good results which ended up in having a new formula to have fewer defective smeets," Blue said.
"A First Mixer...No wonder Zim was so defective," Purple gasped.
"There have been a lot fewer cases of defective smeets since then according to our files," Slacks spoke up. "Well the files we have left anyway."
"He saved Zim to save other smeets and make our race stronger," Skoodge said. "That's acceptable."
"True. And like you said before Skoodge Zim could have gotten what was coming to him a lot of times after he left Smeet Academy," El glared at Red and Purple. "Especially after Operation Impending Doom I!"
"Here we go…" Purple moaned.
"Why didn't you just kill Zim instead of demoting him after the disaster?" Nia spoke up.
"Oh come on! We're not heartless!" Red bristled.
"Yes you are!" An Invader from the crowd called out.
"You killed a guy once because your cocoa was too hot!" Another Invader shouted.
"You threw another guy into a trash compactor because he was starting to get taller than you!" Another voice shouted.
"You set one of our generals on fire because he told you he thought puppets were stupid!" Another yelled.
"You once threw a guy to be eaten by a giant monster because you were bored!" Yet another shouted.
"You shot me out of a cannon!" Skoodge yelled.
"You survived didn't you?" Red snapped.
"And so did Zim! The one guy who actually deserved to get killed you didn't!" Deegee yelled.
"I knew this one guy who knew this other guy who knew this other guy who worked on the Massive who starved to death because the Tallest kept eating all his food!" Another Invader said.
"We're off that part now!" Red snapped. "Okay! I admit it! We didn't kill him at the time because we wanted to humiliate and crush his spirit! Who knew he was so un-crushable at the time?"
"What I want to know is why you blame us for the destruction of the control brains?" Purple asked. "Okay it was our idea to bring in every single control brain to Zim's trial but that was only to make sure he was completely destroyed and humiliated!"
"All you needed was one to do the job! Two at the most! Not every single control brain in the Irken Empire!" Tenn shouted.
"Well how the hell were we supposed to know Zim was so crazy he'd affect the control brains?" Red snapped. "And as for rebuilding the control brains, we couldn't even if we wanted to. I mean tried! Yes, definitely tried."
"Why not?" Skoodge asked.
"Why not? You do realize that the main ingredient in control brains is brains right?" Red asked. "As in Irken brains? The brains taken from over ten million Irkens before the time of Invasions?"
"In other words the only way to restore the control brains was to slaughter ourselves and half the population of Irk!" Purple explained. "We couldn't do that! Even we're not that evil!"
"I suppose not," Blue folded his arms. "The irony however is that half of our race perished anyway because of your actions!"
"And you're still alive," Tenn snarled.
"Again, not our fault," Red said.
"Your bungling has led to the greatest disaster Irk has ever seen since the last days of the Ancient Hive Queens!" Blue snapped. "No, this is even worse than then. At least the hive queens were willing to sacrifice themselves for their people and didn't destroy their entire civilization!"
"Okay I hear what you're really mad about…" Purple said. "I get what you're saying. This is about those donuts I swiped isn't?"
"We have gone far beyond donuts!" Blue snarled. "Although I must admit, it doesn't help your case!"
"Your overspending for defective weapons, gifts for yourselves and lavish parties have bankrupted our planet!" Slacks shouted. "Your indifference to your people has brought us to near extinction! And if that wasn't bad enough you committed the one crime we can never forgive you for! You failed at invading Earth, a planet which was much more technologically inferior than ours!"
"We didn't have this much trouble conquering Vort where they invented teleporters and portable wormholes!" El shouted. "And you couldn't deal with a planet that didn't even have any defense systems or feasible intergalactic transportation?"
"Earth was insane! You weren't there!" Red snapped. "You have no idea how crazy that planet is!"
"Zim knew! I have copies of the detailed reports he'd sent to the Irken Information System over the years he was there," Skoodge showed him. "Particularly about the weather phenomenon known as rain! And how to protect yourselves from it using paste!"
"That information really would have come in handy," A burned Irken Invader glared at the Tallest. "Really could have used a head's up about that one."
"We were getting around to reading those…" Red said. "Don't forget our ancient enemies the Borgia were on that planet!"
"Yes and who destroyed them? Not you!" Tenn shouted. "Zim did along with his human allies!"
"He also destroyed half our fleet! Remember?" Red said.
"Yes, half the fleet which you took away and left Irk almost defenseless!" Tenn shouted. "You didn't care about the rest of us trying to survive back home as long as you got rid of Zim! And you couldn't even do that!"
"Why did you have to go invade Earth at all? Couldn't you just blow up their sun and let them freeze to death?" Skoodge asked.
"I said that!" Purple pointed. "I said that! He didn't want to do it!"
"Shut up you lying little…" Red snarled.
"Don't either of you have anything to say in your defense?" Slacks asked.
"We tried! We really really tried!" Purple said. "What more do you want from us?"
"To actually get it right and not ruin our lives?" Someone called out.
"Again, easy to be a backseat driver!" Purple snapped.
"Look, mistakes were made. I'll give you that," Red said. "It's not easy being the Tallest. There were a few hiccups. A few wrong turns made. But sometimes you have to lose a few battles before you win a war. And now that we know better, we can go invade Earth again…"
To this the crowd groaned. "After we blow up their sun and wait a few weeks!" Red added. "After! Not before. Now we know how to do it! Better yet, call some Planet Jackers to steal Earth's sun and bring it over here to Irk so we can replace the one Zim blew up!"
"Yeah, we called the Planet Jackers," Tenn said. "Guess what they tried to do to Irk when your empire fell?"
"Uh…Send us a fruit basket?" Purple gulped.
"No," Blue folded his arms.
"Said thanks for the offer but no thanks and then went quietly on their way?" Red asked hopefully.
"No," Blue said again.
"Don't tell me they tried to take our planet to burn into their dying sun," Red winced.
"Surprisingly, they didn't do that either. You know why they didn't do that?" Blue asked. "BECAUSE THEIR SUN ALREADY BURNT OUT BECAUSE OF ZIM!"
"What? How?" Purple asked.
"Apparently the Planet Jackers tried to destroy the Earth themselves, but Zim interfered," Blue explained. "He managed to cut away the Earth from the containment pod so that nothing but a flimsy shell got burnt up into their sun. And by the time the Planet Jackers realized their mistake, their sun burnt out and died!"
"In other words, not only were they forced to abandon their home world and become refugees…They lost their jobs," Tenn glared at the Tallest. "Needless to say they were not very happy about that and expressed their displeasure to us while you were gone."
"Didn't you notice the huge holes in the ground and one of our moons was missing?" Slacks snapped. "We were lucky to drive them away."
"You have anything else you want to say in your defense? Because quite frankly this is not going well for you," El sneered.
"Well yes there is. We're taller than all of you. So there," Purple bristled.
"That's it? That's your defense?" Skoodge said.
"Yes. This whole council thing is a lie and we demand you release us and apologize!" Red agreed.
"Yeah we know you're mad but you've gone too far!" Purple agreed. "The fact is we're taller than all of you and that means we are in charge. That's the way it's always been and will always be. Deal with it."
"Okay. I've heard enough. Council you want to go deliberate their fate?" Tenn looked at the group.
"I think we will," Skoodge glared at the Tallest. The Council walked out in a line out of the tent to talk. Then two seconds later they walked back in. "We've reached a verdict!"
"This does not bode well…" Purple gulped.
"Red and Purple, you are both found guilty of all charges…" Tenn snarled. "Your title of Tallest is stripped away as well as all rights and privileges. For your crimes you will be banished from what's left of the Irken Empire and your names and deeds will forever be linked with failure and disgrace."
"After you perform over twenty million hours of community service!" Skoodge added.
"Community service? Couldn't you just shoot us instead?" Red gasped.
"You wish!" Nia snapped.
"You're not getting off that easy!" Tenn snapped.
"When you say community service what exactly do you mean?" Purple raised his hand. "Are you talking about stuff like reading to older Irkens, uh arranging flowers, picking up a little trash by the side of the road? Stuff like that?"
"Oh no," Tenn smirked. "We've got a few special assignments for you two. All suggested by your new warden. Invader Tak!"
"Tak! But you were never…What's she doing here?" Red pointed in horror as Tak strode forward.
"After you screwed up our species and empire was destroyed we put out a call for all available Invaders and any other Irken to return immediately to Irk and help protect and rebuild the planet," Tenn explained. "We instated Tak as an Invader ourselves."
"It was pretty easy," Tak shrugged. "All I had to say was 'Zim ruined my life' and I was in."
"Tak, listen to us! We hate Zim too! Don't you remember?" Red pleaded.
"Oh yes. I remember," Tak snarled. "I remember how you ignored my pleadings to take the test after Zim destroyed my life! I remember how you pushed me aside when I asked for a chance to destroy Zim! I remember every day of my life as an outcast because of Zim and how I warned you about that Dib creature. I remember how you laughed in my face as you refused to pay attention. I remember answering the call to Invade Earth to find out you had already left. Left behind Irk practically defenseless! So I decided to stay behind and help. I remember how Irk was attacked several times by several different enemies! And I remember the faces of our troops and the sight of the wounded and dead as they came back from the defeat at the hands of Zim and the Earth! I remember all that very clearly!"
"Eep…" Red gulped. "Okay you've…gotten a lot scarier since we've last met."
"After your PAKS have been reclassified you will do the following tasks," Tak pulled out a sheet of paper. "Cleaning the muck gutters of every dwelling on Irk. Scrubbing the outer hulls of every remaining ship in the fleet. Laundry duty for all Invaders. Laundry duty for all smeets! Maintenance repair on all ships, SIR units, cleaning machines and any other machine we can think of. Cleaning the Eating Halls before and after snacking hours!"
"Oh come on! This is cruel and unusual punishment!" Red protested.
"Yeah the very reason we wanted to be Tallest so we could avoid doing this stuff!" Purple said. "Or any work at all."
"Here's another rule," Skoodge made an evil grin. "From now on you will obey any order made by any Irken no matter how short he or she is! Even the lowest ranked Invader will be above you!"
"Oh I'm going to enjoy that rule," A short invader cackled to another.
"But first you're going to clean up and fix that!" Tak pointed outside to a huge pile of rubble. "The Grand Meeting Hall of Irk!"
"Can we at least have some robots to help us with that?" Purple gulped.
"Did you give me any robots to help me when I was stationed on Dirt?" Tak snapped.
"We meant to…" Purple blinked. "But uh…"
"Zim destroyed them!" Red said quickly.
"Yeah! Zim destroyed them!" Purple nodded.
"Don't play that card with me!" Tak stormed up to Red and using her PAK legs to increase her height grabbed Red by the throat. "You slimly worthless slug-doogies are gonna do hard time! I may not be able to exact my revenge on Zim yet. But I can and will enjoy getting my revenge on you!"
"But Zim hurt you a lot more than we ever did!" Red gasped.
"True. But that just means in the big banquet of revenge I'll have to settle for you two to be the appetizer while I await the main course!" Tak snarled as she shoved Red backwards. "TAKE THEM AWAY!"
"To the reprogramming chamber!" Tenn shouted.
"Actually it got wrecked so it's more like a reprogramming tent," Deegee told her.
"Okay…To the reprogramming tent!" Tenn shouted. "Downgrade their status from Tallest…TO JANITORS!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Red screamed as he and Purple were dragged away by a swarm of Irkens.
"Mercy! Please! Mercy!" Purple wailed. "Hey! Watch the threads here!"
"Down with Red and Purple! Down with Red and Purple!" The Irkens chanted.
A half hour later…
Red and Purple were in orange prisoner's clothes, no longer in fine Tallest robes. Each had a chains around their legs. Without their cuffs on their usual sleeves you could clearly see their long fingers and thumb. They had a wheelbarrow and shovels. And they were standing in front of a huge pile of rubble. "Oh boy…This is gonna take a while," Purple gulped.
Tak flicked a large whip. "Get to work!"
"Hey! Is that really necessary?" Red snapped as he put his hands on his sides. Tak hit him in the face with the whip. "OW!"
"Work you lazy slugs!" Tak screamed. "Now!"
"Okay! Okay! You don't have to yell," Purple grumbled as he started to shovel some of the rubble into the wheelbarrow.
"Yeah! You shovel those rocks Former Tallest!" An Invader jeered. A whole crowd of Irkens surrounded the area and watched with glee.
"Technically they are still the Tallest," Skoodge smirked. "As in the Tallest Losers on Irk!"
"Oh and you would know all about being a loser! Wouldn't you Skoodge?" Red snapped.
"Tak. Can I see your whip for a moment?" Skoodge asked.
"Of course Council Skoodge," Tak said sweetly as she handed it to him.
"I'm not sure you're whipping them quite properly," Skoodge said as he whipped Red and Purple. "You see it's all in the wrist. Like that!"
"OW! OW! OW!" The former leaders of Irk screamed.
"Why are you whipping me? He said it!" Purple pointed to Red.
"Why you spineless little…" Red snapped.
WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!
"OWWWWWWWWWW!" Both Irkens screamed.
"Oh I see what you mean Council Skoodge," Tak smiled as she took the whip back. "Like this?"
WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!
"OW! OW! OW! OW!"
"Not bad. But you need a little more practice," Skoodge grinned. "Try again."
WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!
"OWW! OWWIE! OW! OW!"
"Better. Maybe some more practice?" Skoodge grinned.
"SHE DOES NOT NEED ANY MORE PRACTICE WHIPPING?" Purple shouted.
"I think she's got the hang of it!" Red snapped.
"No. Council Skoodge is right. I need the practice," Tak smirked. "Lots and lots of practice."
WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!
"YEOWWWW!" Red shouted. He gritted his teeth. "Zim! I am going to get you for this Zim!"
"And Dib! Don't forget Dib!" Purple added.
"How good are you on your taser skills Tak?" Tenn called out.
"A bit rusty actually," Tak smirked as she pulled out a taser.
"No matter how long it takes or what I have to do, I will get my revenge on you Zim if it's the last thing I ever…" Red snarled just as Tak tasered him. "HRAGGGLELAGGGLE LAGGGLEEE!"
"Hey Tak! Don't tire him out! I want a go!" Tenn called out.
"I'll pay you fifty moneys if you let me take a crack at them!" An Invader called out.
"I'll pay fifty if you let me crack the whip!" Another called out.
"Tak! I'll pay a hundred if you let me take over for you on your break!" Another called out.
"Twenty bucks just to kick them in the shins!" Another called out.
Blue smirked. "I think I just figured out a way to solve Irk's bankruptcy problem."
"Yeah who wouldn't want to get back at those two?" Deegee asked. "Hey we could advertise in the Intergalactic Times and let aliens from other planets pay money to hit them!"
"Way ahead of you," Invader Tenn smirked as she punched in numbers on a phone.
"Zim I swear when I find you I am gonna wring your lousy little…AAAAGGHH!" Red yelled as he got zapped in the rear.
And thus began one of Irk's more profitable businesses for the next Irken year.