Noctis & Friends Cause Chaos

Chapter 1: Talcott Gets Spanked

Noctis was driving his dad's pimped out Regalia car up the road leading to Cape Caem. He skidded the car to a halt over the Amiticia's vegetable garden, making sure to run over Tony and reduce him to red meat chunks in the process. That would show the cheapskate for buying produce locally and standing there 24/7!

"Outstanding parking job, Noct," said Ignis in support of Noctis' bad driving habits. (He had no choice. Noctis was soon to be his tyrannical king.)

"Woohoo! Let's celebrate by eating something dead!" said Prompto, proceeding to cannibalize the dead man's corpse and to take pictures for the dark web.

Noctis and friends approached the front of the Amiticia's house.

Iris stood in front of the house. She was always either in front of the house or inside the house. It was as if she was an NPC lacking freewill. "Hey, boys. You come to tend to the vegetable garden?"

"You mean the vegetable garden that I just totally destroyed?" said Noctis, proud with himself.

"Oh, that was nice of you," said Iris, sarcastically, trying not to show any signs of anger.

"The real reason we are here is because we require a stay at your premises," said Ignis, sophisticatedly as he adjusted his glasses. "Because it would appear that, despite being royalty, our highness has expended all of his riches on overpriced potions, and now we can't afford a hotel anymore." He shot a glaring look at Noctis, who shrugged.

Iris lowered her head. "Oh, but you should have told me you were coming. I haven't even got the rooms ready."

"That's okay," said Gladiolus in his stereotypically manly voice. "You can work things out while we're here. It's not like you have anything better to do. Now move it, you little slut!" He pushed her out of the way and stepped inside, his heavy footsteps making the whole house tremble, debris shaking loose and falling everywhere, giving Iris more work to do.

Noctis shoved a moogle doll into Iris' face. "Fix this for me will you."

Iris turned the moogle upside down. "Why is there a hole on its bottom?"

Noctis shifted uncomfortably. "U-Uh . . . N-no particular reason." He ran inside before he had to explain himself.

Iris tried to sleep on the hard, cold floor downstairs while the boys occupied the rooms upstairs. The boys, however, didn't seem to ever fall asleep, and were blasting their girly mainstream pop music on full blast while playing the trendiest games, such as Fortnite, which they also played on full blast.

Iris woke up the next morning, groggy, and full of aches and pains. She found the guys sitting around the table, eating all of her food.

"Good morning, my pathetic excuse for a sister," said Gladiolus with his mouth full. "We decided to do you a favor by helping to clean out your fridge. Looks like you had too much food on your hands."

"You mean the food that was supposed to help me survive through the winter?" said Iris with her arms crossed.

"Glad we could help." Gladiolus was eating all of the protein related food to help him get more gains. He shoveled the food into his mouth with one hand while curling a missile sized dumbbell in the other hand.

Ignis was eating a casserole that he claimed was his own gourmet recipe, but it was actually a cheap microwave dinner. (Needless to say, Gordon Ramsay would be appalled.)

Noctis ate pizza, because he was a slob.

And Prompto ate an organ that looked suspiciously like a human heart.

"Where did you get that?" asked Noctis.

"Do you remember that Jared Hester guy?" asked Prompto, a sinister grin on his face.

Noctis scooted away from Prompto, disturbed at what his friend implied.

The young boy, Talcott, came skipping merrily into the house and stopped in front of the table, invading the grownups personal space. "Hey guys, guess what this is." He struck a pose with his arms and legs bent every which way.

"Oh, I know! It's a Fortnite dance!" said Prompto, unaware that Fortnite didn't actually invent all of its dance moves, and was actually, in fact, a really stupid game. (And yet Epic Games threw the amazing Unreal franchise under the bus. What a shame!)

Talcott shook his head. "Nope."

"A swastika," said Gladiolus, insensitively.

Talcott shook his head again.

"Is it, by chance, a yoga technique meant to represent one of the many deities of the Hindu pantheon," said Ignis.

"No, it's the cactaur dance!"

"Huh, thought it would be something stupid like that," said Noctis as he absentmindedly shoved more pizza into his face, almost gouging out an eye in the process.

Talcott eyed the cactuar figurines Noctis left on the table. "Cool, did you get those for me?"

Noctis rolled his eyes. "Yeah, of course I spent all my hard earned money on these figurines just for a snotty brat like you. Sure, take them. You can shove them up your ass for all I care."

"Cool! Thanks Noct!" Talcott greedily snatched the figurines from the table, knocking over an assortment of food and precious china as he did so, which went crashing to the floor with a deafening shatter. He then stormed out of the house, inciting the chant of: "Cactuar, cactuar, cactuar, cactuar!" all the meanwhile.

Gladiolus cracked his knuckles. "What a little twerp. I used to beat the snot out of kids like that when I was in school. If only there was some way we could make his life miserable. . . ."

"Hey guys, look over here," said Prompto, gesturing for them to come over to a locker. "What do you reckon's inside?"

"Probably, you know. . . ." Noctis trailed off.

"Oh."

Gladiolus grabbed the lock and snapped it off with a single tug. "Too easy."

Inside the locker there was a cactuar plushie the size of a body pillow, and a box full of photographs. Noctis pulled out the box and shuffled through several pictures of scenic landscapes. "Not bad. He's almost as good of a photographer as you, Prompto."

"That's too bad, cause there's only room for one photographer in this town," said Prompto, forebodingly, his hand positioned over the pistol on his belt.

Noctis started to notice a consistent trend of photos involving cactuars as the subject matter. "Go figure. The kid is into cactuars."

"Almost too much, I dare say," said Ignis.

Noctis noticed that several of the photos were taken of a cactuar's backside, and that it had buttocks not unlike that of a human. "Strange. I never knew that cactuars had butts."

"They're so cute," said Prompto. Everyone else shot him a glaring look, and then he corrected himself. "I mean, it would be cute if you were a disgusting degenerate!" He spat on the picture several times.

Ignis snapped his finger. "That's it!"

"What is it? Another recipe?" asked Noctis, feeling hungry again, even though he just ate a whole year's worth of food.

"Even better! We shall blow this out of proportion!" Ignis singled out all of the photos containing a cactuar's backside, used one of his daggers to poke a hole in the back of the cactuar plushie, and brought them to Iris.

Iris pulled her head out the empty fridge, giving up her chance of finding any breakfast for herself, and looked past them to the locker. "Wait, why were you looking through Talcott's secret locker?"

"That doesn't matter right now. What matters is what we found inside the locker." Ignis presented the items to her, making sure to act all somber while doing so. "Lady, I'm sorry to inform you that Talcott has been involved in unspeakable acts."

Iris covered her mouth. "Oh gods, no! But he's so young and innocent!"

"I know. It is a shame that a child should be exposed to such filth at such a young age. I have no doubt that it will cost hundreds, no, thousands of dollars worth of therapy to set him straight."

"Or you could go the cheap route and pray the gay away," said Prompto, almost as if he had some experience on the matter.

Iris slumped down to her knees as tears cascaded down her pathetic face. "No, this is my fault. I should've kept a closer eye on him. I should've watched him with the strictness of a communist police."

"Now, now, don't fret." Ignis patted her on the shoulder unconvincingly. "There may still be a chance to correct this. Perhaps starting with some form of physical discipline."

"Yeah, like a spanking!" said Prompto with glee, which wasn't really helping them to keep up their somber act.

"Is that even legal anymore?" asked Iris, wiping tears from her eyes.

Noctis shrugged. "Hey, I won't tell if you won't tell."

Talcott came skipping back inside. What inconvenient timing on his part.

Iris' face contorted with the rage of a thousand suns. "TALCOTT! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!" She showed the items to Talcott.

Talcott was taken aback. "W-why? W-what did I do wrong?"

"DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME! YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'VE DONE WRONG YOU LITTLE SEXUAL DEVIANT!"

Talcott fought back tears, his whole body trembling before Iris' feminine fury. "No I don't! I was just taking pictures!"

"OH RIGHT! AND ALL OF THEM JUST SO HAPPENED TO HAVE BUTTS IN THEM! I'M GOING TO PAINT YOUR BACK PORCH RED FOR THIS!"

"You're not my mom! You can't tell me what to do!"

"YOU WILL DO EXACTLY AS I SAY! I SHALL NOT BE MOCKED!" Iris went upstairs to retrieve a suitable spanking stick.

Noctis, Gladiolus, Ignis, and Prompto tried their best to hold back their grins.

Talcott stared up at the four, a look of disbelief on his face. "You . . . you guys set this up, didn't you?"

"Took you long enough to figure that out, Shorty," said Noctis.

"I thought you were my friends! I trusted you!"

"Where did you get that line? The Big Book of Clichés?" asked Gladiolus, mockingly.

Iris peered out from the upstairs room. "TALCOTT! GET YOUR ASS UPSTAIRS! NOW!"

Talcott glared at the four with tears streaming down his face. "I hate you! I HATE you!"

Prompto gave Talcott the finger. "We love you, too."

Talcott reluctantly ascended the stairs and entered the room. The sound of a stick smacking bare flesh and the wailing of Talcott followed soon after.

Noctis and friends ran outside back to their car, laughing hysterically all the meanwhile.

"Oh man, Iggy, that was genius!" said Gladiolus. "You had that kid blubbering like a little pussy!"

"A fine recipe for disaster, if I do say so myself," said Ignis.

"Talcott, huh? More like Talc**t, am I right?" said Prompto.

Noctis reeled back in surprise. "Whoa, Prompto, I didn't know you swore like that!"

"Oh, trust me, Noct, there's a lot of things you don't know about me," said Prompto, forebodingly, as he reached over to seductively lick the inside of Noctis' ear.

Talcott stood in front of the window of the room as Iris continued to repeatedly smack his ass with the paddle of an oar, gritting his teeth as he took it like the dirty little masochist that he was. He watched Noctis' gang drive away in their fancy capitalist car of white privilege. Little did they know that Talcott would one day exact his revenge upon them.

And they would be the ones crying next time.

TO BE CONTINUED (OBVIOUSLY)