Here it is.. I guess it's sort of like an AU to 'Who are you?' kind of.. but you'll just have to see for yourself.. It takes place after 'Stalker' but before 'Grave Danger'. If that makes sense. :)
As usual I hope you enjoy and I love to hear what you think, good or bad. Is anyone else really excited for the new season next week. :)
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'Could you pass me the tweezers please' Grissom reached out towards Nick who placed the object in his hand.
They had been working in the Jacob household for three hours and Grissom was starting to regret letting Warrick and Catherine go back to the lab to start processing. He and Nick had stayed behind to finish up and Grissom was hoping that they could leave soon. Brass had left a police officer at the door but it still meant that he and Nick were joined by the grieving widow alone. He had never been very good at reading people's emotions but he knew that if the need for comforting arose then Nick would most likely offer his shoulder to cry on. It was a quality that most would admire but Grissom always feared it would affect the young CSI, some day he would get too attached to a victim.
'I'm nearly done over here, maybe we'll get to the lab soon.' Nick's Texan accent floated through the room and Grissom could hear the enthusiasm in his voice.
'You're working very quick today Nick, if you rush you could miss a vital piece of evidence.' Grissom didn't turn towards Nick as he said it but he noticed out of the very corner of his eye that Nick's face had dropped ever so slightly.
The two CSI's worked in silence but were interrupted when Mrs Jacob returned from the kitchen in her bathrobe. The story so far was that dispatch had received a 911 call from a distraught woman claiming that her husband had gone downstairs after they were woken by a loud crashing sound. After ten minutes of waiting in bed Mrs Jacob had gone downstairs and found her husband dead on the living room floor surrounded by broken picture frames and glass.
'Will you be done soon, I'd like to clean up.' The woman's eyes were red and puffy, she had been sobbing uncontrollably when they had arrived but Catherine had calmed her down and stayed in the kitchen to make her a cup of tea.
'We should be done soon ma'am. Are you sure there isn't anybody that could come and sit with you, a family member maybe?' Nick had stood up to be eye level with the woman, who appeared to become emotional again when Nick's words sunk in.
'Umm... No, it was... just us. My parents died a long time ago and Derek's never did approve of us. I haven't spoken to them in years. It was always me and him against the world.' Grissom could see her eyes begin to tear up again and he didn't want her emotions to interrupt the task at hand.
'Maybe you should go and get some more tea Mrs Jacob. Nick, do you want to start bringing the evidence out to the car.' Grissom had turned to look at Nick, whose vision never left the woman.
'You don't have a brother or sister that could keep you company? Maybe I could ask a neighbour to come over.' Nick had walked closer to the woman now and Grissom didn't like how Nick had ignored his request. The woman bowed her head as silent tears streamed down her cheeks.
'I'm an only child. We only just moved in, we haven't gotten the chance to get to know the neighbours yet. What am I going to do? Derek was all I had... I can't...' She began to sob again and Nick put his hand on her shoulder to offer some comfort and Grissom raised his eyebrow at the close gesture.
'Nick go put the evidence in the car please.' Nick turned and Grissom saw an intense look in his eyes. It was defiant and Grissom saw the fire that burned in Nick's brown eyes.
'How can I stay here? We only moved here so we could rent a nice place and wait for Derek's promotion to come through. He was going to be able to transfer to San Diego soon. A whole new life, just the two of us.. like always... Oh my god what am I going to do without him.' Mrs. Jacob was crying uncontrollably and Nick whispered reassurances to her in between the sobs. Grissom watched the actions between the two.
'Nick, now.' Nick turned and was about to argue with Grissom when the woman interrupted them.
'I'm sorry I should leave you to do your job.' Mrs Jacob fled the room and Nick could hear her sobs increase as she made her way to the bedroom. Grissom noted how upset the woman was. She didn't seem to be able to compose herself, either she was in grieving for her husband or perhaps the guilt was taking effect.
'Did you really have to be like that?' Nick was staring at him with dark eyes that seemed to pierce through Grissom.
'Like what? The evidence takes priority, if a family member needs comforting there are plenty of counsellors and psychologists available Nick.' Grissom knew Nick had a problem with the human element, one that eventually Grissom hoped he would resolve.
'You acted like stone. That woman is all alone, she just lost the most important person in her life and you don't offer even a hint of sympathy.' Nick hadn't said it with anger, simply disbelief that someone could act that way, even someone like Grissom.
'I acted the way we are supposed to act Nick. Were CSI's, if you wanted to comfort people you chose the wrong profession.'
'But not you, you can pick and choose right?' Nick had walked closer to Grissom and was now standing tall with his chest puffed out.
'Excuse me.' Grissom starred at his subordinate. Nick wasn't acting like his usual self, Grissom wondered what had gotten into him.
'When that baby went missing and you found his body, it was like the lab was a full of landmines. You threw evidence around, shouted at Greg, made everyone's day a nightmare. What's different now.' For once Grissom didn't know how to respond at first, Nick just looked at him knowing he had proved a point.
'What's different now is that we have a job to do. Bring the evidence to the car and we'll discuss your behaviour here back at my office.' Nick rolled his eyes but didn't move instead he lowered his voice.
'Look Grissom, I respect you I do, but it's not fair that you can constantly belittle me for sympathising with the victim when you do the exact same thing and everyone just has to accept it. I'm not going to apologise because I reach out to people.' Nick stood defiantly, he had made his argument and Grissom would have to live with it.
Grissom looked angrier than Nick had seen him before. His head was bowed ever so slightly so that he was looking up towards Nick with dark eyes.
'Nick. The evidence, now.' The last word Grissom spoke was harsh but Nick looked defiant. He turned and left a bewildered Grissom in his wake watching Nick as he walked towards the room the woman had entered. He looked older somehow, like he was just a little kid before and only now that he had stood up for himself did he register as a mature adult. Grissom began to think that maybe that's all Nick was, a kid. How old was he anyway, 32? 33?
As he turned, something happened that made his blood chill suddenly. His ears rang and his eyes widened as he turned. It was a gun shot, he had heard that sound plenty of times in his career but he still questioned it. He ran to the bedroom and as he burst through the door the scene before him took his breath away. There on the floor beside the king-sized bed with mint green covers lay the body.
Nick looked at him and Grissom thought back to his earlier train of thought. Nick looked so young but his dark eyes betrayed his years. Grissom remembered when Amy Hendler had pulled her gun on Nick. He saw the tears and panic but now all he could see was shock.
His argument with Nick came flooding back and it was like someone had hit the replay button in his head. He had been callous with the woman and at her most fragile moment. He heard police sirens and dragged his eyes from the body sprawled across the floor.
There was nothing but silence exchanged between the two but he could see the blame in Nick's eyes. He had made a mistake.
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The sun is beating down on his head and shoulders. It's a warm sunny day when usually he would be reaching for a jacket. He dismisses the irony and instead listens to the spoken words. He knows he should be listening to the priest's words, out of respect of a mothers wishes at least, but he can't seem to take his eyes away from Nick. He's not standing with them because he still blames Grissom.
Nick hasn't looked at him in days, he just stands there and then disappears when he can. He talks though, they've had more arguments since the incident than they ever have since Nick came to Vegas as a bright-eyed young man with a strong southern accent. It's like Nick can't bear to look at him anymore, and Grissom knows why.
Warrick and Sara stand to his right and Catherine and Greg to his left. They worked the case with them but that's not why there at the funeral. They know how much the outcome has divided the lab. Word spreads like wild fire when people are sitting around waiting on test results.
Grissom could swear that Nick just glanced his way but it's probably just his mind playing tricks on him, he hasn't slept much. Every time he tried to sleep this past week he would just repeat his latest argument with Nick in his head. He doesn't think things will ever be the same.
'Nick… please.'
'I can't believe you.' Nick was staring out into the hallway, eyes watching as people pass. His voice is soft and quiet even though the words should be shouted.
'I never meant for that to happen.'
'Well it did. How can you just sit there, doesn't this kill you.' Nick's fixation on anything but his boss in front of him is starting to frustrate Grissom.
'Why can't you look at me Nick.' His voice sounds foreign but it's enough for Nick's eyes to flicker.
'Trying to change the subject now? That didn't work very well the last time.' His voice sounds dark and Grissom tries to recollect a time when he had sounded like that before.
'Nicky please.'
'Don't. You don't get to call me that. You know, you say I empathise too much but at least I didn't kill someone.'
'Nick please…'
'No… No Grissom… You lost me'. Grissom's face drops but something in the hallway has caught Nick's eye.
'Nick I'm sorry that…' His words are cut off when he feels a cold shiver run through him as his door opens and for a split second he hears Nick's voice as if he is right beside him whispering into his ear.
'Stop doing this.'
'Brass has a lead for us.' It's Warrick. He leaves as quickly as he entered. Nick follows him out the door and Grissom stares after the two of them as they head for the break-room.
Nick's hair ruffles in the light breeze and Grissom takes note of his clothing: dark wash jeans, a short sleeved black shirt and no jacket. He must have anticipated the warm weather. Grissom can imagine him on a hot ranch in Texas laughing with his family or offering to babysit his nieces and nephews.
He wants to walk across the grass and grab Nick, shake him like a little child until he looks at him. He can't though, it would be rude and he knows not to rock the boat. It's a wonder Warrick didn't have him removed from the funeral the second he turned up, Grissom knows that Nick must have told him that it was his fault. He had seen the looks people in the lab were giving him, hushed whispers about a boss so cold and numb that he couldn't see the risk of a devastated widow.
There's a little girl sitting down behind the rows of chairs, she's playing with flowers she must have picked from the grass. She looks up and Grissom sees the innocence in her eyes. There are no tears in her eyes, unlike the other people around; she's probably too young to understand. Grissom can't remember Mrs Jacob mentioning any family, but then again there's always a distant relative or two who come out of the woodwork for a funeral.
Catherine's head is dropped low and he catches a quick glance thrown his way. She knows what happened because he told her but it didn't make her take his side.
'God Gil, you couldn't just for once show some emotion. Or better yet stay quiet and let Nicky comfort her and then move on.' Her voice has the emotion only a mother could show, it makes him feel even worse, if that was possible.
'We were there to do a job.'
'Oh cut the crap Gil, as much as you want to pretend that this job doesn't require any emotion it does. We deal with people when there at their most vulnerable and that means that there capable of anything.' She has her hands on her hips and he can feel her eyes bore into him.
'I told him I was sorry.' He whispered.
'What?' She stared at him waiting for a reply. He only saw confusion in her eyes.
There's a man speaking now, the priest has stepped back and a tall man with dark hair is reading from a sheet of paper. His voice cracks every now and then and a little boy stands up offering some comfort for his father. As the man walks back to his seat Grissom notices the silent tears amongst the congregation.
'Greg, could you page me when the results are in?' His voice was met with silence. 'Greg?'
'Fine.'
'Is something wrong Greg?'
'Something wrong? No, everything's excellent.' With that Greg stands up and storms out of the room. Grissom watched as Greg left and noticed Nick come out of Catherine's office and follow him.
'Grissom… Grissom… Hey.' He felt a hand on his shoulder, it was Catherine.
'There about to move the coffin to the grave. I think maybe you should join Warrick.' Catherine's eyes were red and Grissom looked at her questioningly.
'Why?'
'Because it doesn't matter what happened anymore. You need to say goodbye.' Catherine took Grissom's hand in an effort to guide him over to the casket but he didn't budge.
'Say goodbye to Mrs Jacob?' Grissom looked past Catherine. He could see Warrick with his hand on Greg's shoulder. Grissom raised his eyebrows at the act of comfort, why was Greg so upset.
'Mrs Jacob? Grissom she's in custody.' Catherine let go of his hand and turned slightly so she could look at him directly.
'Grissom, Where are we?' As he looked past Catherine's worried expression he noticed Brass walk towards Warrick and Greg who were joined by the tall dark haired man who had read earlier and another older man with grey hair and a slight limp.
He turned suddenly, looking for Nick. He wasn't standing where he had been earlier, instead he was behind the tall dark haired man who was now shaking hands with Warrick. As Grissom looked around he wondered who all these people were, didn't the woman say she had no one?
Catherine's pulling him along behind her now and he's suddenly back in the Jacob house.
'Grissom, please… we have to let them through.' Catherine has tears in her eyes and her voice sounds wrong. He hasn't heard her sound this upset before.
'We were nearly finished.' He's holding onto Nick's arm with enough force that Nick should be pushing him away. He's not.
'I know Gil… Please.' Catherine's voice is breaking and she kneels down beside him. He sees her touch Nick's leg. It's a gentle touch, like she's trying to comfort him, Grissom stares at her realising how pointless comfort is now. Grissom's grasp is hard, like he's trying to hold on. Catherine gets up quickly and runs out of the room. He hears Doc Robbins come up behind him. He just wants to be alone, everything was fine when it was just him and Nick processing a room.
'I'm so sorry Gil.' He feels another touch to his shoulder, why are they all comforting him? He's not the one lying cold on the floor in front of them. There's crying in the other room and he could swear he hears Warrick's voice.
Brass should be there any minute, Catherine called him after arriving to find Grissom kneeling beside the bed holding Nick's hand. She had only returned to follow up on evidence when she couldn't get through to Grissom on his phone. Grissom felt something break inside when he heard her scream.
'It's all my fault.' His statement is met with silence as a single tear slides down his cheek.
'He's here' Catherine turned and stopped. They are halfway towards the casket, right in the middle of the mourning crowd.
'Grissom, please.' She looks frustrated, like he's a naughty child who's mocking her.
'What's wrong with everyone?' He looks around at the unfamiliar people. Some are beginning to stare at him, he doesn't know why though.
'Grissom, you know why we're here and you know what you have to do, now go over and stand with Warrick. Please, for Nicky.' Tears have formed in Catherine's eyes at the mention of Nick's name.
It was like someone had hit the on switch, everything came into focus and suddenly he registered everyone's faces at once. An older woman with dark brown hair, tears cascading down her cheeks as a young woman held her. The older man and the tall dark haired man were still standing with Warrick and Greg. Nick wasn't behind them anymore, instead he was standing beside a woman with her eyes closed. Grissom noticed how much they resembled each other. The little girl who had been playing with the flowers ran into her mother's arms and Nick smiled.
'Nick's dad and brother are going to go first then us and then Greg and Brass, okay?' Warrick was in front of him now, he still held the cold expression towards Grissom that he had all week. At least he had spoken to him though, Brass hasn't and a little part inside Grissom doesn't think he ever will.
The coffin is smooth and shiny. A dark wood colour probably picked out by Nick's mother or maybe Catherine, she had flown to Texas ahead of them in order to meet the Stokes family first. Sara had been the anchor at the lab, every time Grissom had turned around she was there. He reaches his hand towards the coffin with as much caution as if it was on fire. He still doesn't understand why he can see Nick, he shouldn't be there should he?
The men around him gather in pairs either side of the casket, he takes it as his queue to put a hand under the coffin finally burning himself with the guilt he deserves.
He's facing the back of Nick's brother's head and he wonders if they were close. He never asked Nick and all of a sudden huge regrets come flooding into his mind. The weight is crushing him, burning into his shoulder. The weight proves there is a body in the wooden box but Grissom still sees Nick, he's standing behind his mother now as if ready to catch her if she falls. He does what he's obligated to do but once the undertakers take over he walks away. He catches Sara's eye as he makes his way to the Ashleaf Maple standing tall beside the road where cars are parked haphazardly.
He watches as red flowers are dropped down into the grave aswell as a football jersey by who Grissom presumes to be old college friends of Nick's. A woman a few years older than Nick throws a star, representing his Texan roots, down as Nick's mother finally drops into the seat beside her and weeps. He remembers Warrick asking why they couldn't keep Nick in Vegas but it's not there right. Grissom doesn't deserve to have Nick near him anymore and who could deny a mother's last wish for her youngest child.
'It's nice today, huh?' He stands casually beside the tree, the opposite side to Grissom. A piece of nature dividing them just as a piece of nature now holds Nick's body from the world.
'Why can't Catherine see you.'
'Because she's not the one holding onto me.' He's looking straight at Grissom but this time Grissom looks away.
'Why am I holding on?' Grissom feels spent. Like he can't even cry anymore, nothings left inside.
'You want me to forgive you, I never blamed you though.'
'You should. Everyone else does.' Admitting it feels strange, he's not relieved but instead it's like the guilt has piled onto his shoulders.
'I'm sorry, I've tried telling you that already.'
'I know.'
'You were acting different, when I saw you around the lab and at night.' Grissom's voice is getting quiet but Nick can still hear him.
'Thoughts are subjective, I'm sorry Grissom.' Grissom can't help but laugh at the irony, trust Nick to keep apologising even after he's dead.
'I can't usually make you laugh, guess being dead works for me.' That remark stops Grissom's laugh, he goes cold and his shoulders slump.
'Nicky, don't.'
'I'll miss you guys you know. Working at the lab was probably the best years of my life.' He's smiling, like he's fondly watching a home movie.
'It's not right.'
'Easy come, easy go.' He's talking like there sitting in a playground and watching children run around.
'No Nick, stop… you should be furious, all of those people are in pain and for what? What's the point of the wrong person dying? How does that mean anything?'
'She wanted to end her pain. Some people just can't struggle through life.'
'Mrs Jacob killed you.' Grissom nearly spits the words out.
'It was an accident, she didn't mean to kill me. I spooked her as she was about to pull the trigger on herself. You should know all this Grissom, you were there.' Nick's last few words drive a spike through Grissom's heart. He was there, but he did nothing.
'I guess I've just been blocking it out. Ignorance is bliss, or so they say.' A single tear slides down his cheek and Nick steps forward as his brother stands to throw some dirt on top of the coffin. The priest speaks as the remaining members of Nick's family, both from Texas and Vegas, take their own handfuls of ash.
'I shouldn't be seeing you.' His voice is beginning to break and he remembers the last time he cried at a funeral, it was his mothers. His words garner Nick's interest and he looks down at the grass.
'No, but I'm sure stranger things have happened.'
'Have the others seen you?' Grissom wonders if Catherine or Warrick, or maybe even Brass, had seen Nick. Had they had conversations with him about whose fault it was?
'No.'
'Why not?' Grissom doesn't know why he's special, it's his fault there in Texas really. Nick looks up at the sky and Grissom pauses before following his gaze, Nick's beaming smile is the most peaceful thing he has ever seen. Above there are ten beautiful birds flying across the graveyard in unison. It's almost like there saluting him.
He hears shifting beside him but he can't drag his eyes away from the birds. There's more noise to his left and he suddenly feels cold under the blazing sun. Nick finally answers.
'Because I'm not there.'
Grissom looks back down sharply but Nick is already gone. The crowd is dispersing and Brass followed by Catherine and the rest of the lab walk towards him. Even Hodges came, aswell as Super Dave and Doc Robbins. He wonders briefly who was left at the lab but knows that Ecklie had most likely gotten his shift to fill in for them.
Sara is approaching him with a tissue and he suddenly realises that he can't stop the tears from flowing. She hands it to him and he accepts.
'It was a lovely ceremony.' Grissom tries to remember some of the reading or even one of the hymns but he can't. It seems to have gone by in a daze. He agrees with her anyway but a look of concern still flashes across her face.
'Come on Grissom, let's go back to the car.'
He follows her to a row of black shiny cars. He watches as Warrick gets into one with Greg behind him. Nick's family are splitting up and getting into the two at the front. As he waits Grissom turns around and looks across the graveyard. He realises that he's leaving Nick behind; he's not going to see him again. He suddenly wants to rush back to the lab and find the tapes that Nigel crane recorded. After they had Nigel in custody Grissom had gone back to the lab and watched all of the tapes realising that Nigel had filmed Nick sleeping, eating breakfast and brushing his teeth, anything. He's suddenly grateful because it means that he can see Nick again, if only for a minute or two. His smile falters though when he realises that he will never hear his voice or see his smile. He won't greet him in the morning or hand him anymore cases. He suddenly regrets all the solo cases he withheld and all the opportunities they had to work a case together that he threw away.
He watches the undertakers. He can see the wooden cross that marks the place where Nick lies, they are surrounding it. They will be ready once the cars drive away, to move the flowers and wreaths before filling the hole properly with dirt, sentencing Nick forever to the earth. There won't be a headstone there for a while, a small plaque will lie under the wooden cross with his name etched on it, for any visitors who don't know who the latest tragic victim is.
It's getting hotter and Grissom feels as if he's burning. All of his regrets and all of the things he never said to Nick but should have rush through his mind. It's like he's on autopilot as he realises he's in the car with the window down. He can't waste any opportunity, he clings to the thought that Nick might appear again. The hope fades as they drive further away, there's a hand on his knee but his eyes never leave the graveyard behind them.
This place is his last connection to Nick, untainted by the mistakes they've made.
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Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it.. Has anyone else noticed that I can't see to write any happy Nick stories.. Oh well.. :)