He gasped for breath and felt much like a goldfish out of water. His eyes were opened wide and even as he gulped in air it wouldn't fill his lungs. It was like the organs were gone all together. Then the pain hit him. A blood curdling scream erupted causing more pain and for him to gasp even more. He couldn't have held it back though. No longer was he in control of his body.
"Why can't you just leave me the fuck alone!" Spencer shouted angrily.
"Because I physically can't Spencer, I love you!" the older man had shouted.
He froze staring at his colleague with wide eyes.
"Don't say that. You don't know what you're talking about. You're in lust with me. It's not love Morgan. And if you want tonight then I'll give it to you but don't you go throwing around words that mean nothing," Spencer retorted.
Derek pushed the younger man up against the wall of the parking garage. They had been fighting and Morgan had gone to apologize. Spencer hadn't wanted to hear it. All Spencer wanted was to be left alone so he could forget the way his chest was tearing open. Get away to his car so he could curl in a ball and hold himself together while his body tore in two.
"I don't want one night Spencer. I want every night," Derek whispered into the younger man's ear.
Spencer shoved him away. There was no way he was serious. Derek Morgan, ladies ma extraordinaire wanted scrawny, socially awkward Spencer Reid. It was a dream come true, but it was also a nightmare because Spencer knew all he would be is Derek's dirty secret.
"No," Spencer said walking away.
With each step he took, Spencer could feel the hole he'd just punched in himself get it's edges tore the raw tearing feeling took over him and by the time he'd gotten to his car he literall had to wrap his arms around himself to keep himself together. It hurt breaking his own heart but he would be no one's secret. He'd accomplished far too much to allow himself to be someone's back up plan or late night booty call. If Morgan wanted him the he would have to want him all the time, in public, and in front of the world. And Spencer knew that Derek wasn't willing to do that.
A had was on his chest. The salt from the person's skin stung his gaping wound. Ironic that the very wound he'd used to describe heartache was the very wound that he was now wearing. There was a voice but Spencer felt like he was being dragged under water.
"It hurts," Spencer gurgled.
He coughed before sputtering trying to get the blood out of his mouth. It tasted like venom, poisoned by the bullet now lodged somewhere in his body. With all his strength he rolled over onto his side so he wouldn't drown on the offending fluid.
"What hurts?" whoever was there asked.
"You're skin," Spencer managed.
His head was floating and he couldn't get through the fog to know who was by his side. The smell of the person was making him nauseous, or maybe it was the blood he was swallowing. Humans didn't have the proper enzymes to digest blood. Soon his stomach muscles would tense and he'd start heaving. As if on cue he felt his diaphragm clench as more fluid was expelled from his mouth.
There was a knock on his door. Spencer looked at the alarm clock on his night stand and sighed after seeing it was just past 1 a.m. He didn't want a visitor but he knew it would have been important for someone knocking that late. With a sigh he dragged himself to the front door.
"I'm not going to have sex with you because you showed up at my home at one in the morning," Spencer sighed seeing Derek on the other side of the door.
"I don't want to have sex with you Spence," Morgan sighed.
"Then what are you here for?" Spencer asked genuinely curious.
"They reassigned me," the darker man said avoiding the younger's eyes.
"Th-they what?" Spencer said backing away.
Spencer backed until he hit the wall. Derek stepped after him giving his friend some space but also being there in case the other man tripped. The younger men wrapped his arms around himself and squeezed tightly. He was being torn in half again. The aching in his chest grew larger as the news hit him like a wrecking ball.
"NO!" Spencer shouted.
He looked up at Derek with wide tear filled eyes. Derek was by his side immediately holding the other man while his body shook. Spencer pulled Derek as close as he could, trying to become one being so Derek could never leave him.
"I'm sorry Spence. There's nothing I can do," Derek whispered.
"Marry me," Spencer pleaded.
Derek pulled back keeping Spencer at an arm's length while he looked in the man's eyes. He thought it was a joke but he saw nothing but sincerity in the young man's expression. If it could have been that easy he would have done it.
"That isn't the answer baby. It marrying you would solve anything I would. But I'm still going to have to leave and I can't uproot your life just because I want you to be by my side. I love you Spencer and I would marry you in a second if it meant we could stay here together forever. But I'm still going to have to get on that plane and leave you. It would be too hard if we were married," Morgan said wiping the tears from his young lover's eyes.
Spencer let out a pain filled sob as his knees gave out. Not only would he be losing his love but his best friend, the person who held his heart and did it so gently he'd never even felt it break until the damage was done.
"For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are those 'it might have been.'" Morgan whispered before pulling Spencer's lips to his own.
He had hoped it would have been Morgan holding him close, speaking words his brain couldn't comprehend over the sound of his gasping and the ringing from the gunshot but Derek was gone. He'd gotten on that plane and flow out of Spencer's life what seems like years ago. He tried to think how long it had been since he's seen the other man. Realization dawned on him that it had been years and still hurt no less.
"Years," Spencer sputtered.
His eyes caught flashes of colors as he tried to focus on just one thing. There was red everywhere. His mouth tasted like bile and blood. Not a good combination but there wasn't anything he could do to rid his mouth of the taste. As the ringing faded he could hear multiple sounds. A million voices above his head, sirens, tears, and screams. The latter he realized were his own. But those screams were for Derek.
"I love you pretty boy. Forever," Derek said.
Spencer wished his breaking heart would let him believe that. He could see the love in the darker man's eyes. If he just held onto that look he might make it through life without him. But they both knew the words and emotion would never be enough. They needed each other but fate was a fickle thing.
"If circumstances were different Spence. I know this sucks but we were too late. Sometimes it happens like that. No one realizes where their heart lies until they're about to lose it. Forever and always I'm yours," Derek aid pressing his forehead to Spencer's.
They shared a kiss. It was a kiss to end the world. There was so much behind it that both had tears in their eyes when they pulled away.
"It's not enough Derek. I need more, I need you," Spencer said.
"That's all we get kid. If only," Derek sighed.
Tears started to fall from Spencer's eyes and Derek reached up to wile them away. Spencer didn't let him. His heart was breaking and tears were the only way to let it show.
"Don't forget me Derek. You'll get over me faster and easier than I'll get over you. Just remember to think about me every now and then. And know there will never be anyone but you," Spencer said as Derek's flight was called.
"No Spencer!" he heard someone else's voice.
It was watery but he was sure there was someone yelling at him.
"It's cold," Spencer shivered.
He could feel his skin chilling and imagined his lips and fingers turning blue from lack of oxygen and blood. It was a scary thought, facing death, but with Derek on his mind he was ok. Spencer had said everything he'd ever wanted to Derek before he'd boarded the plane. None of it had been a lie. Spencer would wait his entire life for Derek even if that meant being alone for the rest of it. Because Derek was worth it, the love he felt for the other man was enough to get him through. And if he faltered, the look in Derek's eyes on the day they departed was enough to get him thought the lonely nights. Spencer had found happiness because he was loved by the very man he loved.
"I love you. It was enough," Spencer said as his chest grew too heavy to suck in air.
The edges of his vision darkened and began to fade but he wasn't on the ground in the alley with a gunshot wound to his chest. He was living in the could have been world where Derek and himself were living happily ever after. In a world where Derek had turned around and not got on the plane. Where they were happy living together as husbands surrounding each other in nothing but love and adoration as they grew old together.
His body floated as the paramedics tried their best to save him. Everyone knew that he was going to die but they still held onto the sliver of hope because Spencer was a fighter. He'd been through a lot worse than a gunshot wound. He lived his life with a broken heart and a body that tried to betray him by allowing his eyes to well with tears whenever his lover's name was mentioned. They had all learned to leave Morgan out of their conversation when they realized it physically hurt Spencer to hear the name. Because Morgan kept in contact with all of them, except Spencer.
"Derek he's not going to make it," the woman said through the phone.
With those words Derek's life came crashing down around him. He hadn't thought about Spencer in months. His heart still belonged to the younger man but he had never planned on returning. It was too painful to see the boy and not be able to hold him and love him the way he wanted. So he had pushed his lover from his mind and moved on with his life. He felt as if he'd betrayed the other man by moving on. He knew Spencer would never love again.
Tears fall onto the desk as Derek shot up leaving the phone behind not even bothering to disconnect the call. He raced to his bedroom grabbing the bag he's never unpacked. Three days' worth of clothes always ready in case he ever needed to dart away at a moment's notice.
"Baby did they call you into work? I thought you took vacation time to spend with us," a dark woman asked walking up behind Morgan.
When he turned to face his wife tears were in his eyes.
"Is it your mother?" she asked in a panic.
Then she looked deeper and saw the heartbreak in her husband's eyes. She had known before they got married that he loved someone else. That she was the person he was settling for. But she also knew that person was from Derek's past and that Derek would never go back to that life. Now seeing the look in his eyes made her feel selfish because he would never give her that life.
"You're going back there," she said flatly.
"When I come back I will be yours forever. I'll change my number and everything that they have so there are no more ties to them. It will just be us forever and always," Derek promised.
"I can't Derek. We both knew I'll still be only second best when you get home. I thought I could fool myself by making myself believe you'd never leave me for that life. I knew it was silly but I'd hoped that over time you would realize I was enough. This life will never be enough for you Derek, I've always known that I just didn't want to face it. So go, but please don't come back. Stay and fix whatever you broke so you can be happy," she said placing a hand gently on his face.
Derek didn't have time to say anything else. He had a plane to catch. The phone call gave him no hopes of seeing his lover alive so he hoped he could at least make it to the funeral to say his final goodbye.
He was selfish and he knew it. Two lives had been ruined, two hearts broken because of him. It was selfish of him to take a wife when he knew there was no room for anyone but Spencer in his heart but he couldn't stand being alone. Heartache was something he'd never felt before and he did whatever he could to make it go away.
"I don't know how he's doing it but he's still alive. The respirator's doing all his breathing for him but there are signs of brain activity and he's not in a coma. He may pull through this and be fine," the doctor told Spencer's friends outside his room.
Spencer could read the doctor's lips and had managed a smile. His chest hurt as the machine that breathed for him filled his lungs. Now he had a real wound that slowly tore open every time his chest filled with air. It was a relief to finally have a physical wound to blame the constant pain in his chest for.
He watched his friend's happy faces until one walked away with a phone to their ear. When she rejoined the group they all looked at her sullen face. She looked to Spencer before saying his name and the worst news Spencer had ever gotten.
"Derek just called. He's here and he wants to see Spencer," Spencer read.
Tears filled his eyes and his heart monitor went crazy. Before anyone could notice he was in distress Derek walked in front of his window. Tears filled Spencer's eyes as the older man placed his hand on the glass staring in at him. His heart monitor beeped frantically alerting the doctor's that something wasn't right.
Before Derek could go in three doctors burst into the room. They were all yelling and screaming but Spencer couldn't hear a single word. He kept his eyes locked on Derek until they rolled behind his head and his body convulsed. Spencer could die in peace now knowing that Derek loved him just as much as he did Derek. He knew the only reason he'd lived was because he needed to see Derek one last time. Witness the love clear as day in the older man's eyes before he laid to rest.
In his coma Spencer was living a wonderful life. Derek had never taken the job offer, never got on the plane, instead he'd run to Spencer, took him in his arms, and they confessed their undying need for each other.
"It's been thirty years Spencer," Derek said sitting by his husband.
"It has. Do you regret it?" Spencer asked.
Derek took his lover's hand and squeezed it gently. He watched his lover sink into the white sheets of the hospital bed. Spencer was sick, very sick, and he wasn't going to last through the night. It broke Derek's heart and devastated him but there was nothing he could do. They had lived a long happy life together.
"Not a single second of it. I'll never love anything more than you. There won't be a single second of my life that isn't spent thinking about you, us. The world will be covered in darkness because you won't be here. I love you Spencer. I'll always love you," Derek confessed.
It had been a while since Derek had spoken so candidly about his love for Spencer. Spencer just stared in awe at the man above him before patting the bed next to him. He knew he was going to die and he wanted it to be in the arms of his lover, his husband, but ultimately his best friend.
"I'm sorry I got sick Derek. This isn't the end of your life though. I need you to go back to work, go out with Penny and Emily and JJ. You need to keep living or our life meant nothing," Spencer requested quietly fighting for breath.
"I'll need some time to mourn you Spence. You've been my life for so long now. Without you I'm going to be alone. Give me some time to get used to not having you around. And when I can come to terms with the fact you were ripped from me too early, then I'll try to live. It won't be easy, Spencer. When you go you're going to take my heart with you. A man can't live without his heart, but I'll do my best to keep mine beating for you," Derek said as tears feel from his eyes.
"I love you Derek," Spencer said as the life faded from his eyes.
"No I love you too! Spencer no! I love you," Derek sobbed hoping Spencer had heard him.
The casket was heavy on Derek's shoulder as they walked towards the hole in the ground. He was having a hard time keeping his emotions in check. Because of his own selfishness he had lost both of his lives in a matter of days. Now he was left with a big empty cavity where his heart used to be.
"He loved you Derek, with every ounce of his being you were his heart and soul," his former coworker and best friend said.
"I don't know what to do not Penelope. My heart is in that casket with him and I've got no were to call home," he confessed letting a tear slide down his face.
She didn't know how to comfort him. No one knew what to do. Spencer had told them that he'd proposed to Derek before he left. They had also been informed that Derek had turned him down claiming that they were too late. Anger had filled them all with he had left Spencer behind. Everyone knew Spencer would have given his life for the older man. Derek's happiness meant everything to Spencer, which is why he hadn't fought to his lover to stay.
"We're going to have a party at his house. Just a celebration of his life to remember him and tell all our quirky stories. You should come and get to know him again. It's been quite a while," Penelope offered hopefully.
Derek nodded but couldn't move. Dirt was being thrown over his lover as the funeral processions wrapped up. He couldn't make himself move because he knew that leaving now would mean goodbye forever.
A hand on his shoulder pulled him from his trance.
"Hotch I can't believe I messed up this badly. Now he's gone and there's nothing I can do to fix it, to fix us," Derek confessed.
"You don't have to say goodbye now Derek. He's left some things for you in his will. I think you should come and remember him with us," Hotch said giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze.
Derek nodded and went to walk from the grave. He changed his mind and walked back before crouching to the ground. There was something he'd always meant to give to Spencer but never had the courage to do it. Slowly he pulled the velvet box from his pocket.
"I love you baby boy. With my heart soul mind and body, you were always number one. When you asked me to marry you I was going to say yes. You see I've had this ring form almost six years now. I bought it for you because before I left I was going to ask you to come with me, to marry me and be with me forever. But then I realized I was being selfish and I couldn't go through with it. A thousand times I mean to come home, sweep you in my arms and never leave your side but I was afraid you wouldn't love me anymore. So I took the easy way out and married her. I couldn't keep in contact with you because it hurt too much to think about you, to think about how much I screwed things up. For a while I had myself convinced that I did it because I loved you. You loved this job so much that moving to the other side of the world wasn't something I could ask you to do. But really t was because I was afraid that one day I'd be so madly in love with you and you'd leave me broken hearted and alone. Now I see that if I'd just done it then you'd still be here. My fear kept me from happiness and ended your life. So it might not mean much or anything now but it's always been yours. I just hope you knew that," Morgan said pulling the ring from the box.
He tossed the larger of the two, the one that would have gone on his finger into the ground. The other he always wore close to his heart, on a chain around his neck. It had an inscription of love on the inside that he hoped Spencer would have seen some day but now he was really too late. But at least he' been there to tell him one last time how much he loved the younger man.