Title: We Ain't Good At Goodbyes
Ship: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Genre: Angst/Angst with Happy End/Romance/Slightly Canon Divergent
A/N: Welcome to my first published Naruto fanfic, more are being worked as we speak – although I should be working on a paper for University. This is the 5th fanfic of Naruto my mind has supplied me with (not counting a very old piece I started when I was a teenager, anyway…).
For this story, I'm stretching the canon a bit, because it fits perfectly after the time-skip and the Sasuke Retrieval Arc and happens before Pain's attack. It's a nebulous timeline, so, yeah… I hope you like it!
Oh, and English isn't my mother tongue, and this piece is un-betaed (only going through Grammarly and my re-read), so feel free to point if it has anything glaringly wrong.
Playlist: "Too Good At Goodbyes" by Sam Smith, "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" by Backstreet Boys, "Walk On Water" by Thirty Seconds To Mars, "The Middle" by Zeed feat Maren Morris and Grey, "Flames" by Devid Guetta feat Sia and "Darkside" by Alan Walker feat Au/Ra and Tomine Harket. Sort of inspired the fanfic, but not, I just listened to them on repeat because they kind of set the mood of the fanfic. It's my first time giving a fanfic of mine the playlist of songs I listened to while working on it, just tell if it worked for you.
Description: "What do you know?" his lover was harsh, but he didn't blame him for it.
"That I will be your doom," his tone was ominous and too full of certainty.
Or
How Kakashi showed Iruka his insecurities were causing unnecessary pain because their lives were too short to waste on stupid things. What mattered is for them to enjoy the time they have.
Single Chapter: We Ain't Good At Goodbyes
"I think we should end this. We should break up," his voice echoed in his living room.
"What the hell is wrong with you and Hatake?"
Iruka moved his eyes from the report he was reading to look at a very irritated Anko, her light brown eyes sparkling with stubbornness. It was an understatement when all shinobi in the room stopped to listen what would be the answer, it was common knowledge that something had changed between the Academy teacher and the Copy-nin in the last two months.
No more irritated Iruka demanding a perfect report from the Jonin, considering that Kakashi had been giving perfect reports for a change for when he couldn't avoid Iruka's shifts. No more banter between them, with a very relaxed and mischievous Copy-nin and a blushing Chunin. No more 'Sensei' spoken like it was some sort of caress and 'Kakashi-sensei' being exclaimed in a mixture of exasperation and fondness. It was so obvious that it was impossible not to notice, how dry and cold they were with each other now considering they were so lovey-dovey before all that started.
"Nothing, nothing happened," Iruka's voice was flat, and he soon directed his eyes back to the report he was reading.
Anko snorted and placed her hands on top of the Mission Desk and leaned her body on top of it so her face would be close to Iruka's.
"Don't bullshit me, Iruka-kun," her voice sounded calmly dangerous, but it didn't faze the Academy teacher not one bit as he kept reading the report in his hand and grabbed the approved stamp. After all, they have been friends for years now, and he knew her well enough to ignore the blatant threat.
"I'm not," he simply said, placing the approved scroll aside. "If you don't have any other scroll I should read, Anko, I still have other shinobi to attend to," he dismissed her with a hand and indicating the next in line to give him the scroll they carried.
Anko didn't move a muscle, narrowing her eyes, the only indicator of her purpose. With the speed of a serpent, the animal she was so famous for, she grabbed the Chunin by his collar, radiating her irritation and stubbornness in all directions, what made the shinobi in Iruka's line scramble and move to a safe distance.
The Academy teacher glared at Anko and grabbed her wrists trying to pry her hands off his flak jacket, but with no avail, she was strong, her hands holding him in place with the viciousness of a python. And the fact that the positions they were didn't allow him to use any of the evasive techniques to break her hold on him.
"Yes, you are, because no one goes from lovebirds to cold like a tundra if something didn't happen, Iruka, and if you don't open up to me, I will make you do here in front of everyone."
Iruka huffed in irritation, his cheeks becoming red with anger. Sometimes he didn't understand how he could put up with Anko, not when she is being incredibly irritating and relentless about something he didn't want to talk about.
"It's none of your business if anything happened, Anko, so if you excuse me, I still have work to do," he was still trying to get off her hold, with no success.
"Well… It's a bit difficult when things are so awk—"
"Drop it, Anko," a slightly bored and disinterested voice echoed in the room, interrupting the kunoichi and making everyone turn around to see Kakashi entering the room with Team 7 walking right behind him.
His posture was relaxed as always, hands in his pockets, slouched shoulders, a carefully blank expression, but they could sense an edge underneath all that calm. It was because of that that Anko let go of Iruka that was already fixing his jacket and sitting back in his place, his eyes never leaving the table top.
Kakashi ignored the irritated female Jonin and the obvious stares of the other shinobi around the room, all watching the things unfolding right before them as if they were watching an interesting movie. Naruto and Sakura exchanged a look between them, but for once neither of them interjected anything. Last time they tried things just got even more strange, if not positively worse. Sai was still too oblivious to those human interactions, but he was also watching it with rabid interest.
"Umino-sensei," the Copy-nin extended his mission report, his tone neutral bordering his common disinterest.
"Hatake-san," was the only reply Iruka gave before grabbing the report and opening it before scanning it to see all in order and stamp it. "Thank you for your service," soon came the standard response.
Their eyes never met during the whole exchange, no more smiles, no more laughter or exasperated sighs. Just a simple cold exchange between comrades. Because soon enough Iruka was dropping the perfect report into the pile, while Kakashi turned around and without waiting for his team or look behind he left the room. Leaving behind the cold bite of an imaginary winter, and an equally cold Chunin.
"Why?" His lover's voice was strained like it hurt to speak that question.
"Because… Because it's the right thing to do," his voice broke as he spoke the truth.
It wasn't only on the Mission Room that things changed so drastically. Sometimes they would be seen eating at Ichiraku with light conversations, a lot of smiles, touching hands and stares full of secrets and promises. But those days were also left behind, Hatake Kakashi and Umino Iruka didn't spend time together anymore, and Teuchi and Ayame also noticed. Also, shinobi loved gossip as any other type of people, and they heard what the other ninjas were talking about the two.
They would still go eat there, separately, of course. And if for any conspiration of the universe they decided to go eat there at the same time, it would always end up with the two of them in two different ends of the counter not acknowledging each other, when one or the other didn't simply decide to leave the stand deciding to forfeit their meal altogether.
That day was one of those days that only Kakashi was there enjoying an afternoon snack. His lone gray eye was staring unfocused at his empty bowl, while he held his glass of water, clearly lost in thought. Teuchi prided himself to be an excellent listener, and very good at keeping secrets, after all, he was privy to more secrets in that village than people gave him credit for. And seeing those two youngsters in that feud that no one knew the reason, only that it was happening, and in full force, he decided to try and help one of them at least.
Because it was no secret they were in a relationship, and the longer they took to solve their quarrel it would be worse in the end. For them both. So, yes, he would try to help them in the best of his abilities.
"Hum… Kakashi-san," he called slightly uncertain. He was never certain in how to approach the younger male, ever since he was a child and he would come often with his Sensei, Minato, his team and Kushina, he was never sure how to start conversations with him, considering how Kakashi was always so closed off.
The Jonin-sensei kept the same position, seemingly still too lost in thought to hear Teuchi's call. The cook frowned, worried at the faraway look in the younger male's eye.
"Kakashi-san," he tried again, slightly louder this time.
It did the trick because Kakashi's grey eye gained focus, and the Copy-nin brought his free hand to rub it. Were those… Tears? Teuchi couldn't say for sure because of the quick moves of the ninja.
"Sorry, Teuchi-san, I was reviewing a mission in my head," the words left his mouth effortlessly. "What can I help you, Teuchi-san?"
"Right," the cook crossed his arms in front of his chest, deciding to not call the youth's obvious lie. "Is everything okay?"
For a few seconds, Kakashi just stared back at him, making the cook squirm under it, but Teuchi could see well Kakashi pull the wall he had between him and people up again, and one of his famous, almost too perfect smiles, show in the curve of his eye.
"Everything is as perfect as it should be, Teuchi-san," even his voice carried a lightness Teuchi started to associate with well-crafted disguises.
The cook has seen that too much to fall for it.
"Are you sure, boy?" He insisted. And he was rewarded with the subtle tensing of Kakashi's shoulder before he resumed his usual laid-back posture.
"Definitely," his answer was too quick to be believable, but Teuchi couldn't do anything else as the younger man got up, placing the money on the corner – something Teuchi didn't see him move to retrieve – and started to walk out. "I'm late for a meeting with Lady Hokage, thank you for the meal, Teuchi-san, it was delicious as always."
And he walked out waving a goodbye before Teuchi could protest. The cook sighed deeply, he had forgotten how that boy was a master of escaping conversations he didn't want to have. He was a slippery bastard.
But it had something Teuchi had the opportunity to asses with all of that. Hatake Kakashi was suffering, because all he could see in those meager seconds before Kakashi pulled his usual mask and that wall that kept people from reading his eyes up all he could see was his pain.
What those two have gotten themselves in?
"What is right? For who?" His lover's voice showed how hurt he was.
"For us, for the village," he answered truthfully. "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I know… I know…" he couldn't bring himself to finish it.
"What do you know?" his lover was harsh, but he didn't blame him for it.
"That I will be your doom," his tone was ominous and too full of certainty.
Asuma stared at the younger man in front of him that he treated like a younger brother. His brown hair pulled in its usual ponytail, tanned skin, gentle face marred with a horizontal scar on the bridge of his nose that complemented his features, downcast brown eyes. His entire posture showing how down and sad he was, how lost and hurt, something he seemed to allow himself to be just in those few moments Asuma could bring him to a place that just the two of them were alone.
He hated to see Iruka like that, and the Jonin knew it had something to do with his fellow comrade and friend, Kakashi, and he wished he could find that stupid silver-haired man and punch him in the face for hurting his pseudo little brother. At least it was what he assumed it happened, at least, neither of the two shinobi had spoken a single word to explain what the hell was happening.
Almost the entirety of Konohagakure ninja rooster was speculating to what the hell happened with the couple, considering they were so obviously flirting left and right, with their quirky way to be. And they were painfully in love. It was just impossible to miss it. But what happened for both to be in non-speaking terms, aside from the professional encounters, was a common mystery to everyone.
Anko had tried to pry any information from Iruka for weeks, the most recent being the one in the middle of the Mission Room two weeks earlier. The kunoichi didn't even try to do that with Kakashi because he wouldn't even look at her when she tried, what got her even more frustrated, and she would end up grasping a log in place of the ninja she was aiming for.
Asuma grasped his beer and decided it would be his turn to try something, so far, he had kept himself out of things, but seeing this quiet Iruka was breaking his heart.
"Iruka," he called, watching the Academy teacher lift his eyes with a strained smile on his lips. "I promise I won't tell anyone else, even Kurenai, but tell me, Ruka-kun, what happened? Did Kakashi hurt you?" it wasn't his intention to sound so desperate, but all that was hurting him too. It was difficult not to, seeing two of people he considered friends walking around with heavy steps where it used to be lightness.
Iruka frowned and he moved his eyes around, the tips of his lips gaining a down curve.
"Why do you think he hurt me?" he spoke, voice even. "I had the same power to hurt him," Iruka played with his cup as he left those words to reach his pseudo big brother.
Asuma inhaled and stared at Iruka with more intensity. A different picture starting to paint in his head.
"Did you?" His voice was small but still inquisitive.
Iruka looked back at him, chocolate eyes that used to be so warm were dull and sad.
"Yes," Asuma didn't hold his gasp. "I hurt us both."
"Why?" Iruka looked at him with one of the saddest smiles Asuma had ever seen on his lips when he asked that question.
"Because I'm not good at goodbyes."
Kakashi broke his stunned silence.
"My doom? Where did you get this idea Iruka?" Kakashi's mismatched eyes were staring at Iruka with intensity, showing how lost he was with all that.
"I will be, Kakashi, that's why you should just leave me," he was blessed his voice didn't break this time.
"Don't be stupid, it won't happen just because you said so and I won't leave you just because," anger started to sip into the Jonin's voice.
"I can't be responsible for your death, Kakashi! I can't!" Iruka finally spilled the complete truth, stunning the other male into silence again. "I know our profession, I know we will give our lives for this village, for its people, for our Hokage, and that's expected of us. I'm prepared for that," he had to strangle a sob, tears already starting to fill his eyes. "With you and Naruto both going into the frontlines of this conflict… It just put the both of you in the spotlight," his tears came running down his cheeks. "And I can't… I can't—" he choked.
"Iruka…" Kakashi reached for him, hands ready to comfort him. But Iruka intercepted his hand and shook his head, strengthening his resolve.
"No, it will just hurt more," he looked directly at those beautiful, yet different eyes of his lover. "It's because I know I love you so much, I know how painful it will be to see you go and never come back in normal circumstances, but I don't want to hold you back, because I know I will! I will just be a distraction—"
"No! You are not a distraction, you are the reason I fight so hard, Iruka," Kakashi changed their positions, freeing himself of Iruka's hold to grab his hand and moving the other to grasp Iruka's other hand. Desperation in his voice. "You're my strength, the reason I walk back home after every mission."
"But I'm also a worry, I'm always in the back of your head, you worry about my security… I'm in no way defenseless, I'm a good shinobi, and I can defend myself of most enemies. And I can hold them and die in the name of this village, but if I'm used against you, that is something I don't want to ever think about. Because I'm a liability, Kakashi, and I know I am. I can be used against you, should it be a true or false threat," the truths of his words seemed to hurt his lover more than anything else. It was miracle his voice didn't break with the number of tears that were leaving his eyes. "And I will never forgive myself if works on you because I'm sure it will work on Naruto and you can't be emotionally compromised if things get at that extent. We can't lose you Kakashi, we can't have this luxury and I'm sure as hell I don't want to be the reason you fell."
Kakashi shook his head, his hands gripping Iruka's with all his despair and wish to still hold on at the best thing that happened to him in a long while.
"Who…" he breathed deeply to control his emotions. "Who is putting all these things in your head?"
"No one," it was the truth. It was all his own thinking, his own thoughts, and insecurities. "I'm taking the coward's exit, Kakashi," he tried to pull his hand from his lover's hold. "I can't lose you like that, and I know that I will be the reason I lost you, because I know you won't stop at nothing if anything happens to me, and I won't let you! That's why it needs to stop now, for my sake and for our village's sake," those words were painful to utter, but he didn't see any other option. "For Naruto's sake," he added with conviction if anything at all happened to him, someone had to be there for Naruto.
He knew people would call him stupid. Maybe he was, but he was so afraid, as the conflict thickens with this strange organization, Akatsuki, nightmares of Kakashi dying with his parents as he is dragged away by enemy hands plagued his nights. Sometimes Naruto would also be in those nightmares and he would wake up with screams stuck on his throat. If he could cut it, if he could just try to stop loving him, it would be better. For who, really? Him? Kakashi? Naruto? The village? It wasn't that clear, but it was the only option he had.
"So… So, you are giving up on us?" Iruka has never heard Kakashi's voice sounding that insecure and hurt before. "Because you are afraid?"
He knew it, it was that moment that would decide everything. With no hesitation, he answered.
"Yes," and he knew Kakashi knew it was for both questions.
Both his eyes went wide, hurt written in bold letters in both irises, both in the grey and the scarlet one – the Sharingan recording every single word spoken by Iruka. Kakashi dropped Iruka's hands as if he was being burnt, and in a single move, he was on his feet, hands moving to his face to press the heel of his hands on his eyes while labored breaths left his mouth as he tried to compose himself.
Iruka didn't know how long he was there watching the devastated man try to hold his feelings back again, holding himself to not run and hug him and take back all his words. But he knew he couldn't. Not if he wanted to protect his loved ones and the village. What he couldn't stop was his own pain from his broken heart that manifested in the tears that freely run down his cheeks. He noticed when Kakashi took control of his feelings again, the hardening of his shoulders, how his breath was even and when he got his hands off his face, he could see a carefully blank look in both of his eyes.
"As you wish Umino-sensei," the cold of his voice and choice of words just gave the confirmation Iruka needed. He broke their hearts. He accomplished what he wanted.
But why it didn't give him the relief he was wanting?
With no more words, Kakashi pulled his mask up and placed his hitai-ate in place and turning on his hills he left Iruka's apartment after he put his shoes back. He left, angry and hurt for the person he loved the most, not sparing Iruka a last look.
Why he had to remember that? He shouldn't be remembering these things while they were still out, in harm's way. They were still a few hours away from Konoha, and he had to concentrate. He shook his head and jumped to the next tree.
Kakashi's foot slipped in the branch he just landed, making him lose balance and fall forward, with a slight detachment he noticed he didn't have many options then let himself fall so he could grab the branch a few meters down.
"Kakashi-sensei!"
"Sempai!"
Concentrating he added the correct amount of chakra in his hands and let attach on the branch and using the motion he launched his body forward, so he was doing a 180º turn and stopping on top of the branch, his heart beating loudly in his chest.
Soon four other people were landing in the branch he was stationed, Sakura soon had her hands involved with her green healing chakra.
"Are you alright, sensei? We should have had stopped when we had the chance," she said worriedly while she passed her hand on top of his body assessing his condition.
He wished it was just exhaustion, that would be simple to deal with. But as far as he knew no amount of soldier pills, healing chakra and sleep could cure a heartbreak, not one like his.
"I'm fine, Sakura, preserve your chakra," he said while escaping her hands and letting himself have a controlled fall to the ground. "We will have a 5 minutes rest and we will keep going, we still have a few hours ahead of us until we reach Konoha and I don't us staying out more than we should," he says, trying to sound as normal as he could.
"Kakashi-sensei," Naruto called for him, blonde brows set in a frown. "You don't sound fine to me—"
"I'm fine, Naruto!" He cut whatever more the boy wanted to say, his tone sharper than he intended, just noticing when he saw Naruto flinching, Sakura frowning at him and Tenzo and Sai looking at him with surprise, at least the most surprise Sai could show. It was difficult to keep his cool with those dreaded words still playing in his mind.
He hated the Sharingan. He hated it didn't let him forget anything about that day, how much it hurt to hear those words.
"Sorry, I just need a minute, yes?" He asked with an uncertain smile that showed through the curve of his eye.
"S-Sure," the boy said, and for the first time he didn't try to argue, tone uncharacteristically bland.
He let himself rest his back on a bark of a tree, closing his eye, trying desperately hold inside the emotions that memory invoked in him. It had already four months, it shouldn't hurt as much anymore. It shouldn't. He had successfully held that all down for those four months, why now? Why?
'Iruka…'
He bit down a sob and brought his two hands to his face, breathing deeply while counting in his head in an attempt to direct his thoughts to something else. It wasn't worth it. He gave up on them, and so should him. But why… Why it was so difficult? Why he still held some stupid hope Iruka would see how stupid all those things were and would ask him for forgiveness and come back to him?
Why he dreamed of breaking into his apartment and show that stupid teacher that he was being afraid for stupid things? It wouldn't matter if they were together or not, he would always be too important for him. This life was so short for stupidities like that!
Kakashi was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't even notice that he lost control of himself and the tears he had been holding since that night were coming down his cheeks, from both his eyes. But now he didn't care, he only wanted that pain in his chest to stop, and the only person that could do that stubbornly wanted them to be separated.
He didn't care anymore if his sobs were loud, or that it was his first time in a long time he had broken down. He hadn't done something like that since Minato-sensei's death, and now here he was crying for another teacher, but one he loved in a completely different level.
The Copy-nin barely registered a pair of arms circling him and holding him close, the only thing that made that person identifiable was their familiar sent, a mixture of ramen, cheap shampoo, and steel. Naruto. Naruto was the one hugging him and gently patting his back, much like Naruto's father would do with Kakashi when he was alive.
For the first time in a long, while he let himself go, all his barriers, his masks, his imposed self-protections fell one by one, and he cried his pain, his love, his despair, his insecurities, his hopes, his dreams. He didn't care for the shinobi code and showed his weakness because he couldn't hold it anymore. Not when his heart was dropped by Iruka and was screaming to be picked up again. Not when all he wanted was to be in the arms of the man that broke his heart because he was afraid, because he was so stupidly dutiful.
He was going to show that fool that the coward's exit is the stupidest idea he had ever had. And that they could go through anything that ever went their way together. He was a soldier, a hell of one, he knew the drill if anything, anything at all like that Iruka suggested ever happened, he knew what he had to do. And they weren't alone, they had their friends, their students, their village right behind them, so nothing would go astray, or so he hoped.
Why Iruka couldn't see that?
What it seemed a good 10 minutes later his breathing was normal again, and his tears long dry, he finally let go of Naruto, not looking him into his eyes or any other of his companions.
"Thank you, Naruto," his voice croaked, still showing how heavily he cried.
"Nah, it's the least I could do -ttebayo!" Naruto rubbed the back of his head in an embarrassed way.
Clearing his throat and breathing deeply he could control his voice again, very conscious of the looks he was receiving of all of them, Kakashi spoke again.
"We should go, we wasted too much time," his voice was back to a more normal tone, but it still had signs of them tears he shed just a few minutes before.
"Kakashi-sensei," Sakura started, worry evident in her voice.
"We risked staying here too long, Sakura," he interrupted as gently as he could, eyes set on steel again. "Let's go," he jumped back into the trees and resumed their way to Konoha. All the while knowing that Tenzo was sending him worried gazes as strong as Sakura's.
But he didn't pay them any attention. Not when Sai asked at Sakura what was going on and Naruto, in a very uncommon fit of well-manners shushed the other boy telling him he would talk about it later, and not when Tenzo tried to broach the subject as they continued their way.
He was too busy planning how he was going to show Iruka how wrong he was. He had spent enough time mopping around, he was going to fight for what he wanted.
He was never good at goodbyes anyway.
"Hey, Iruka?" He called while smiling at the younger male, holding him closer as they watched the starts from his rooftop.
"Yes, Kakashi?" Chocolate eyes looked back at him, warm and soft as always.
"I love you," he said, a soft smile painting his lips.
"I love you too," Iruka replied, a matching smile on his lips and a beautiful flush on his cheeks.
Without any more words, their faces got closer, and lips brushed gently against each other, their first kiss. The first of so many others.
Iruka was once again in the Mission Room, working in the Mission Desk was his habit, and something he could do that would distract him of the thoughts that have been plaguing him lately. Still avoiding Anko and her questions, Auma was true to his word and didn't whisper a word of the things he told him to anyone. So, he busied himself to ignore Anko, and the tries to make him spill things, keeping a safe distance of the kunoichi while reading and stamping the scroll he received. He had learned his lesson from the last time, he sure didn't want to be cornered like that again.
But his plans to have a normal shift, so he could go home and try to strength himself again for another day of trying to rid himself of his feelings, went flying out of the window when the door of the mission room was kicked open for none other than Hatake Kakashi. His usual mess of a silver hair was blow by the wind, and his lone eye was full of determination. Team 7 following right behind him with a mixture of worry and confusion in their eyes.
Iruka didn't know why, but he sure knew it had something to do with him, how that eye was shining with a new resolve. And he wasn't wrong, as the man set in decided steps right in his direction, eye never leaving him, and for the first time in the four months of their break up Iruka didn't avoid it.
With accuracy, Kakashi threw his report to the other Chunin in service, the scroll landing perfectly in front of the surprised man, while Kakashi bypassed everyone in Iruka's line to stop right in front of him. Ignoring stunned shinobi and high curious ones, the Copy-nin pinned the Academy teacher in place with the intensity of his grey eye.
"You," his voice was just a bit rough but perfectly clear. "You are coming with me," his tone didn't let any space to argue.
But Iruka was Iruka and he was as stubborn as the older ninja.
"W-What…? I'm in the middle—"
"I don't care," Kakashi interrupted him. "I went with this stupid thing for long enough, and this time, Sensei, you are going to listen to me," he was serious, and the Chunin knew really well what his ex-boyfriend was capable when serious.
"I won't!" But he was also serious about his decision. It hurt him to take that route, but when he set his road into that he kept going, that was how he worked.
"Yes, you will," Kakashi balled his fists. "Because you asking us to break up was the stupidest thing you had ever asked me to do!"
Iruka's temper flared, cheeks warming with anger and embarrassment because he was conscious of the various pairs of eyes glued at them, some with accompanying agape mouths, and others with triumphant looks for finally knowing what was going on – that being mostly Anko.
"No, it isn't, when we have so much to lose otherwise!" He did not even notice his voice raised.
"No one will lose if we stay together!" Kakashi responded in likeness, voice also raising to get his point across. "Stop deciding the coward's exit is the best option, Iruka, because it isn't, it just brings pointless suffering," he spoke what he had been thinking all the way back to Konoha since he couldn't hold his feelings bottled up as they were. The Jonin didn't care the others watching, he just wanted to put some sense in the head of his beloved.
Iruka had to remind himself of his resolution as the pain he felt for the past four months came through his mind. But he knew the pain would be bigger if what he was so afraid would happen. He couldn't bear being used by their enemies against his most precious people, he preferred to die a mere soldier, then being a bargaining chip that could be used to bring down all they were fighting for.
"It doesn't matter, because I can't, I won't, be the reason something happens to you Kakashi," his voice rang for the sheer volume it left his lips, but also because the room was so silent as they battled their views.
Naruto's big blue eyes were opened wide, like a kid watching their parents fighting right in front of them for the first time. Sakura had a hand in front of her mouth while she looked to one or the other trying to piece together the information given so far, eyes sad. Sai was serious, and a glint of worry was reflecting on his eyes, and Tenzo wasn't much better, his face showed pure sadness and his eyes were equally sad and worried. Anko, for a change, was looking at all that with a frown and understanding, after all, she knew Iruka's insecurities for a long while now and seeing what they resulted just made things worse.
Kakashi sighed and shook his head.
"You don't get it, don't you?" he asks seriously, a low tone of voice, contrasting with the tone he used before. "I would die for your no matter if we were together or not. And this," he pointed at each other. "Being separated won't kill the feelings as you so much want, it just makes us go through some pointless suffering, our lives are so short, shorter than average, and we are wasting in this stupid, pointless, incredibly cliché 'we shouldn't be together because it's dangerous for you' bullshit, it just works for stories like Icha Icha, not real life, Sensei," he said with earnest, with so much conviction, it just showed how much he wanted Iruka back, how much he loved that fool Teacher. "I really, really love you, and all I want is to be together with you for as long as we can be together, be it the next six months or sixty years, I don't care, so, please… Don't throw us away."
All the experienced shinobi nodded as they thought of their own loved ones, alive or not, and how happy they were for being with them for as long as they could. They understood that perfectly.
Iruka understood that perfectly too. But still, that fear was gripping his heart and making things difficult because he knew he would never forgive himself if he was the cause of Kakashi's death. But then again, he wasn't giving Kakashi a choice in the matter, he decided by himself they weren't worth fighting for. And here it was him, asking Iruka to don't give up, not again.
But how could he not? He didn't sell himself short, he knew he could put a decent fight, he could escape captivity if he so much had a chance, but what was in the line it wasn't just his life. It was the future of their village, it was Naruto's future, and he couldn't be an obstacle to that. The enemy they were fighting didn't have scruples, they didn't stop at nothing to get what they wanted, for the simple fact that he was known to be one of Naruto's precious people, the first of them, it painted a big bullseye onto his back. Not that he minded, but if Kakashi was added in the mix… Things changed. The two of the biggest players in the game cared for him, and it was a recipe for disaster.
They couldn't afford to be vulnerable than when the time came. He could be considered safe, being always inside the village, but for how long would that be true? Who could guarantee the village would be spared for much longer?
"I…" He started, but all he just thought and wanted to say left his mind as he saw that raw desperation, pain, and love in Kakashi's eye.
"Don't, Iruka, please, don't fight me on this," despite the emotions that showed in his eye, his voice didn't waver or broke. "I know you are worried for the village, but don't you see? We have them to back us up if anything, anything at all happens, nothing will go wrong because we have each other, we are Konoha nins, and we a value our people, we don't leave our comrades behind," one of his hands reached for Iruka's and held it gently. "Please, have some faith in me, in us, please…" he pleaded.
It did it, it broke Iruka's conviction that what he was doing was the right thing. Those little things, that strong conviction Kakashi held in them, in their village, and his wish, his desperate wish to be together. And how could he fight that side of his that was berating him for his choice? How could he when Kakashi gave him all the reasons to stay, to believe.
He blinked as he felt tears gather in his eyes, and before he could blink those away Kakashi was right in front of him, having jumped on top of the table to hug him tight, pulling him flush against his chest. Not wasting a minute with hesitance, Iruka hugged him back, burying his face deep into Kakashi's hard chest. Them both forgetting their audience as they were in each other's arms.
"I'm sorry," his voice was muffled. "I'm so sorry, I was so stupid to let my insecurities reign over me…" he pulled the love of his life closer. "I hurt you for nothing, too afraid to deal with things that might not even happen," Kakashi's hands were gently caressing his back, and he felt even more guilt. "I just couldn't think right, with all this happening I could just think how many things could just go wrong," a sob escaped his lips. "I guess the worst of all was that I couldn't imagine a world without you. And if for the worse I was responsible for your demise, I know… I wouldn't be able to live with that."
"Shh… We won't get to that," 'hopefully,' he added in his mind.
Iruka shook his head but still kept it hidden on Kakashi's chest.
"I'm sorry I'm so silly," Iruka gripped the back of Kakashi's flak jacket.
The Copy-nin chuckled, and for the first time in four months, it was a real one.
"Well, you had called me out when I was being the silly one, it's more than fair I would be the one to call you out, Sensei," and for the first time in those four months, his voice was light. "But, I'm still angry with you, and you still have so much to pay for all this pain," he says, speaking the truth, but his voice was in a mock-seriousness.
"I will do anything you want, if it helps," Iruka answered, pulling his head slightly out of his chest, eyes slightly red and face flushed, so he could look at Kakashi's face.
"Anything you say," the older ninja smiled, while the other was eagerly nodding his head. "Well… I would love if you would read for me one of my favorite installments of the Icha Icha series," Kakashi's smile grew as he saw Iruka's blush deepen, gaining a brighter red color.
"What?"
"You said anything, Sensei, and I would love to add two things I love the most, Icha Icha and your voice," his grin was big, and his eye was shining again, the shining it lost when they separated four months prior.
Iruka groaned, but he couldn't take his words back anymore.
"Fine," he conceded.
"Perfect," Kakashi purred before bending to deposit a clothed kiss on Iruka's lips.
They were stopped by a loud bang coming from the door that brought the two of them back to where they were, surrounded by amused shinobi that were watching them with smiles and some even with barely concealed looks of fondness and relief.
"What are you doing? Back at work!" Came the voice of the Godaime Hokage, Tsunade, being her the source of the bang that brought them back to earth. And making the Shinobi that were so idly watching the couple solve their problems stand in attention again. "You, Hatake, I need you. You can have your moment with Umino later," she said without even batting a lash.
"Coming, Hokage-sama," his habitual happy and light tone was back. "See you later, Sensei," he said while pulling back of a very embarrassed Iruka, that was competing with Sakura's dress to see who was the reddest and jumped the table again to follow Tsunade that started to leave the room.
She stopped a few feet out of the door and said loud and clear.
"I'm glad you two solved whatever was happening to you if this continued any longer, I would have been obliged to bash your heads together," she said matter-of-factly. "Bah, brats, always so stupid," she added as she continued her way out, with an amused Kakashi following behind.
Iruka was mortified just for the prospect, making him shudder, and a handful or other ninja snicker. The Academy teacher let himself fall back in his chair, hiding his face of the still observant shinobi and shook his head.
Stupid, indeed.
"So, Iruka-kun," the sweet voice Anko used didn't deceive anyone. Iruka knew that he wouldn't be able to avoid Anko any longer. But he was very surprised when he lifted his eyes and met Naruto, Sakura, Sai, and Tenzo also close to him. The five of them looking for answers, and they wouldn't let him go. "Now we can have that talk we should have had months ago, don't you think?"
"Yes, you won't escape us, Iruka-sensei, -ttebayo!" Naruto added as the others nodded.
'Shit'
A/N: Well… I should be writing a paper for University, but this thing couldn't leave my mind, and here I am. Oh well…
This story changed so much since I started writing, this idea came while I was listening to "Too Good At Goodbyes" by Sam Smith, but as I started to write the characters had another story they wanted to tell. So, we have what we have now.
I hope Iruka's thought process was good to understand, why he took the decisions he did. Because it was clear for me, but I'm afraid it maybe wouldn't for you, so let me know!
Thank you so much for reading this and let me know what you thought of it :D. If you so wish, you can leave me a prompt for this couple in your comment, I won't promise I will write all of them, and I probably won't write it so soon either, I do really need to concentrate on this paper, is the final one for my semester D:.
Well, I will come back to it when I can!
See you around,
Nath :*