I have no idea where the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own GI Joe characters went. Probably to therapy. This is more madness from my tiny little mind.
Couples therapy with Destro and the Baroness
"I can't believe we are doing this!" Destro grumbled as he went into an office with The Baroness.
"Well we are so get used to it," The Baroness said as she sat down at a chair. "We need to do something about our relationship! Desperate times call for desperate measures!"
"You certainly got the desperate part right!" Destro grumbled as he sat down in a chair. "I can't believe we are going to this quack!"
"Look he was the only one I could find that was qualified and wouldn't turn us over to the authorities," The Baroness said. "Give this a chance."
"That's what you said about that spa weekend in Uzbekistan," Destro gave her a look. "Now I know where they get all those ideas for all those tourist horror movies. And knowing is a very good reason to fire your travel agent and stay at home!"
"Oh please that weekend was a picnic compared to the one we spent visiting your relatives in Scotland," The Baroness grumbled.
"You are the one who wanted to meet my family," Destro pointed out.
"Not during hunting season!" The Baroness snapped.
"It was an accident!" Destro snapped.
"Accident my ass!" The Baroness snapped. "Which was filled with buckshot for nearly a week!"
"For the last time Grandmother apologized for that," Destro groaned. "She didn't see you."
"Please! That old goat's eyesight is better than the fashion police on the red carpet! I saw her shoot the wings off a fly with a 42!" The Baroness snapped. "That was no accident! And neither was the incident with the haggis your sick twisted Aunt Demeter perpetrated!"
"That stove was old. It had been going for a while. It was just a coincidence that it blew up like that," Destro groaned. "You know you weren't exactly a hundred percent blameless yourself during that weekend."
"What do you mean? I was the perfect guest!"
"The perfect guest from Hell!" Destro snapped. "The second you set foot on our ancestral estate you complained about everything! The water in the kitchen is too cold! The rooms are too drafty. What's that sheep doing in the lavatory?"
"Well that damn thing was wandering about all over the place like it owned it!" The Baroness snapped.
"It belonged to Great Uncle Augustus and since technically it was his castle…" Destro began.
"And I always thought the Dreadnoks were animals," The Baroness scoffed.
"Do not put Uncle Augustus' beloved Mac Wooly among those animals!" Destro snapped. "For one thing Mac Wooly was better toilet trained than they are!"
"Mac Wooly was better toilet trained than your Uncle Augustus," The Baroness glared at Destro. "And at least that animal knew to keep the toilet seat down!"
"He can't help it! Uncle Augustus is blind! And Mac Wooly was a great seeing eye sheep which was better than any dog!" Destro snapped.
"Well that is partially true," The Baroness smirked. "You can't make a good mutton pie out of a dog."
"Yes and that little stunt you pulled led up to Grandmother shooting you! Accidentally of course," Destro snapped.
"So you admit it! You…" The Baroness growled.
"Good afternoon!" A tall clean shaven British man with short brown hair wearing a white lab coat and black pants with black shoes walked in. You could see under the lab coat the man was wearing a blue shirt. "Welcome to Couple's Therapy! I am Dr. Venom. I will be conducting your session today."
"Wait you look familiar," Destro blinked as he and the Baroness got up to greet him. "Dr. Venom? Didn't we work together when the Cobra Organization was first founded? Aren't you dead?"
"You're thinking of my brother Archie Venom. I'm his quintuple twin Andrew Venom," Dr. Venom corrected as he sat down at a chair. "He and my brother Aaron were the biologists specializing in biological weapons and nerve gas."
"And ironically he got killed by his own creation," Destro remembered. "Sorry for your loss."
"Don't be. I'm not and neither are any of my surviving brothers," Dr. Venom shrugged.
"Surviving brothers? Oh I take it Aaron still works for Cobra," The Baroness said.
"No, he died too about ten years ago," Dr. Venom said.
"Oh I'm sorry. Was it work related?" The Baroness asked.
"You could say that. He was sleeping with his supervisor's wife," Dr. Venom shrugged. "It wasn't the bullet wounds from the 45 that killed him as much as that five story drop. You see he was trying to escape out the window onto the ledge of another building…He jumped, missed and well I think you can figure out the rest."
"Oh…" The Baroness winced.
"But then again he wasn't exactly the most pleasant of us all to be around anyway so it was no big loss," Dr. Venom said. "My other two brothers are Adrian Venom who is a robotics expert as well as a theoretical physicist. Quite an established mad scientist in his own right. And then there's Ambrose Venom."
"And what does he do?" Destro asked.
"Children's parties mostly," Dr. Venom sighed. "He's the only member of our family who didn't become a scientist. He's a third rate magician. We don't talk about Ambrose."
"O-kay…" Destro was seriously regretting coming to this session.
"But enough about me. Let's talk about you two and why you are here to see me," Dr. Venom said brightly. "Come! Sit! Sit! Please tell me what brought you here."
"Well, Destro and I have been dating a long time," The Baroness said as she sat down with Destro on a couch. "A very long time. A very, very, very long time."
"Oh this is going to be hell," Destro sighed.
"There are a lot of problems with our relationship. Mostly his fault," The Baroness went on. "But I think the main problem is our lack of communication. Lack of trust. Of course it is hard to communicate and trust with someone who runs around behind your back all the time cheating on you with every floozy in sight."
"I was right," Destro remarked. "Hell…"
"But I still believe we can make this relationship work. We have what it takes to make our relationship last and take it to the next level," The Baroness went on.
"A complete lack of self-awareness and a stubborn streak that would make a mule lose patience," Destro added.
"Anyway," The Baroness emphasized. "I am here because I think we can save our relationship. Despite Destro being in it."
"Interesting," Dr. Venom wrote something down on a piece of paper. "Destro?"
"I'm here because she made me," Destro said honestly. The Baroness kicked him in the shin. "OW! And…all those other reasons."
"Uh huh," Dr. Venom wrote something else down. "All right let's start with the basics shall we? How about you each tell the other five things you admire about your partner. Baroness why don't you start telling me what you admire about Destro?"
"All right," The Baroness said. "I admire Destro's intelligence, his ruthlessness in the boardroom as well as the battlefield, his tactical genius, his personal stability…"
"She means my financial stability," Destro interrupted. "She really loves that!"
"And his manners," The Baroness gave Destro a look.
"Interesting. All right Destro. Your turn," Dr. Venom gestured.
"Five things I admire about you…" Destro sighed. "Your beauty. Your intelligence. Your quick wit…uh…"
"Quick wit and intelligence are the same thing," The Baroness told him.
"Not necessarily," Destro said.
"Yes they are."
"No, they are not," Destro told her. "Dr. Mindbender can be classified as intelligent but I wouldn't exactly call him quick witted."
"You have a point," The Baroness admitted. "Go on…"
"Uh…" Destro thought. "I did say your beauty right?"
"Yes," The Baroness gritted her teeth. "What? The only thing you can think about are my looks?"
"To be fair you are very attractive," Destro covered.
"That goes without saying," The Baroness shrugged. "I see your point but you still need two more things. So Destro, tell me what other things about me do you admire?"
"Your…tenacity," Destro made a guess. "And your…sense of fashion."
"Stop looking at my breasts you pervert!" The Baroness snapped.
"You're the one wearing the black leather cat suit!" Destro protested. "Help me out here Doctor! If she didn't want me to notice why does she wear that outfit?"
"Okay let's press on and try something else?" Dr. Venom said quickly. "How about you each tell each other five things you don't like about each other. Baroness?"
"Things I don't like about Destro. Oh where do I begin?" The Baroness mocked. "Your cheating, your lying, your pompous arrogance, your insane family and your commitment issues! And those are just your top five!"
"Oh really? Well let me tell you about some of the things I don't like about you!" Destro snapped. "Your arrogance, your nagging, your spending habits that would make a Beverly Hills housewife look frugal, your jealousy, your pettiness, your vanity…"
"That's more than five!" The Baroness snapped.
"You are also judgmental and need to constantly correct people," Destro snapped.
"Again the same thing," The Baroness said. "I gave you a pass with that Mindbender example but please Destro try not to get lazy."
"See this is what I am talking about!" Destro snapped. "You are always doing this! Nagging at me! Correcting me! Driving me crazy with your fake pretentiousness! And you wonder why I need to get away from you!"
"Oh so you are saying it's my fault?" The Baroness snarled. "It's my fault that you run around like a dog in heat cheating on me with everything in a skirt?"
"I do not cheat on you with everything in a skirt!" Destro snapped.
"Technically you are right," The Baroness folded her arms. "If that were true you would have also slept with Mindbender and Cobra Commander during that weekend in Vegas."
"For your information I don't go with other women just for sex," Destro said. "In fact most of the time sex doesn't even enter into the equation! Sometimes I just want to talk to a woman so I can have an actual conversation instead of being constantly nagged!"
"Interesting tidbit," Dr. Venom spoke up. "It's been proven that more couples break up over nagging than adultery. It's a fact, look it up."
"Thank you!" Destro threw up his hands. "Finally! Someone has the courage to tell the truth!"
"What?" The Baroness snapped.
"Baroness I am not saying that Destro doesn't share some of the responsibility of your relationship's problems but you have to admit you haven't exactly been the most supportive now have you?" Dr. Venom asked. "A relationship is like a castle. Your job is to build and strengthen the battlements and walls, protecting your love. Not tear it down with constant criticism and selfishness."
"You're right Destro! This man is a quack!" The Baroness fumed.
"On the contrary," Destro grinned. "I believe the good doctor to be quite insightful. Go on Doctor."
"Destro isn't it possible that the reason you don't want to spend any time with the Baroness lately is that you feel that she is bringing down your self-esteem?" Dr. Venom asked.
"Oh please!" The Baroness snapped. "Destro's ego is so big you couldn't bring down his self-esteem with a guided missile!"
"It is comments like that that are not helpful," Dr. Venom pointed out. "In fact Baroness maybe if you were less critical, perhaps Destro would be less inclined to look elsewhere for comfort?"
"Doctor you are a genius!" Destro proclaimed.
"No, no, no!" The Baroness stood up. "This is not how it is supposed to work! This is not what therapy is!"
"No you just thought it would be good when you believed Dr. Venom would say that all our problems were my fault!" Destro stood up and confronted her. "But guess what? They're not! Half of the problem is with you!"
"That's right," Dr. Venom said. "Of course that also means you are the other half of the problem Destro."
"WHAT?" Destro turned to Dr. Venom.
"HA!" The Baroness snorted.
"Come on Destro you are screwing around," Dr. Venom pointed out. "Even if the Baroness is being a complete shrew that's still no reason for you to cheat on her."
"HA! Listen to the man! Wait a minute…?" The Baroness did a double take.
"And even though Destro is a pathological sex addict only interested in you for your looks, you do share some of the blame Baroness for the problems for your relationship," Dr. Venom said.
"Now hold on just a minute!" Destro bristled. "Whose side are you on?"
"I'm on both your sides! The side that wants this relationship to work," Dr. Venom said. "Even though one of you wants it more than the other."
"Yeah her! Him!" Both the Baroness and Destro said at the same time, with the obvious change in pronouns. "WHAT?"
"Let's do another fun exercise," Dr. Venom beamed.
"Fun for whom?" Destro grumbled.
"It's called role playing," Dr. Venom began.
"We've done that," The Baroness told him. "Many times."
"Yes but in this case it's outside the bedroom and you are to pretend to be each other," Dr. Venom explained.
"This old cliché? How stupid!" The Baroness huffed.
"Oh really?" Destro raised an eyebrow. Then he spoke in a mocking falsetto with a familiar accent. "Typical Destro. Doesn't want to do anything to save our relationship!"
"What?" The Baroness glared at him.
Destro pretended to flip his hair. "I am The Baroness," He said in a feminine haughty tone. "I am the perfect woman for Destro even if he doesn't know it. That is why I tell him that every day because he needs reminding!"
"That is not how I sound!" The Baroness snapped. "I do not sound like Boris and Natasha's evil twin!"
"I deserve the best because I am the best," Destro went on mocking the Baroness. "I have no problems spending all of Destro's money because I am entitled to it. Even though I haven't done much for him lately."
"Haven't done much for me…? Why you…?" The Baroness snarled. Then she went on in an imitation of her lover. "I am Destro! I am a pompous metal headed egomaniac who has to put up with a woman who I don't really deserve!"
"You have no idea what you really deserve, Destro dah-ling," Destro shot back. "And now I am going to tell you. In great detail!"
"There she goes!" The Baroness threw up her hands continuing the imitation. "On and on on how to improve things but I never listen!"
"And I go on and on and on, never shutting up!" Destro went on with his imitation. "And when I don't get my way I resort to mindless violence that conflicts with my imagined royal persona!"
To prove his point Destro got up and threw over a small table. "There! I made a mess because that is what I do!" Destro made a mock bow as he kept pretending to be the Baroness. "Destro does not listen to my nagging! I kick over a table! Destro does not do every little thing I say. I throw a chair!"
He grabbed a chair and threw it against the wall. "Destro does not buy me that piece of expensive jewelry I want?" Destro kept going. "I throw another chair!" And he did, right over the heads of the Baroness and Dr. Venom.
"Hey!" Dr. Venom snapped as the chair broke apart on contact with the wall.
"And when Destro still does not give into my demands, I kick him," Destro grinned. Then he kicked the Baroness in the shin.
"YEOW! You…" The Baroness hopped up and rubbed her shin. "Well let me tell you what Destro does when he is displeased! He also throws chairs!"
To demonstrate her point she picked up a chair and threw it at Destro. It missed him and it hit the wall. "No that is a Baroness thing!" Destro kept mocking the Baroness in her own tone. He grabbed a small table and threw it at her.
"Wait a minute!" Dr. Venom snapped as the table missed the Baroness and hit the wall. "I paid for that furniture!"
"Oh yeah? Here's another Baroness thing!" The Baroness had given up imitating Destro and pulled out her blaster.
"And here come the blasters!" Destro yelled out in his own voice. "Here they come! Right on time! On the 3:15 Bitch Express!"
"That's right! Right into Destro Dumbass Station!" The Baroness fired.
Destro dodged the blast and pulled out his own laser pistol. "Oh like I'm not used to you shooting at me!" He started firing back.
"Stop! Stop! Stop shooting my office!" Dr. Venom yelled as the Baroness kicked over the couch and used it for cover.
"Incoming!" Destro ducked behind Dr. Venom's desk. So did Dr. Venom.
"You are a stubborn pig Destro!" The Baroness snapped as she fired her blaster above the desk. "Come on out and face me like a man!"
"If you'd stop shooting at me you insane witch I would!" Destro yelled back.
"I have had it with you! You drive me crazy!" The Baroness yelled.
"And you wonder why I have commitment issues?" Destro yelled.
"KNOCK IT OFF! BOTH OF YOU!" Dr. Venom got out from under the desk and yelled. "STOP SHOOTING MY FURNITURE!"
"Oh…" The Baroness stopped shooting. She looked around. "Uh sorry."
"We kind of got carried away," Destro said as he came out from under the desk.
"No kidding!" Dr. Venom glared. "Well there's obviously some hostility issues you two need to work on."
"Brilliant deduction doctor," Destro groaned. "This is ridiculous! I'm leaving!"
"Destro you walk out that door now, and you're just confirming everything the Baroness says about you," Dr. Venom warned. "Unless this is how she planned this. You know? So that the breakup of the relationship would be your fault."
"Oh that is just…" The Baroness scoffed.
"Accurate?" Destro whirled on her. "You knew I would lose my temper! That's why you dragged me here!"
"And he knew that you knew he would lose his temper and that would cause you to lose your temper and break off the relationship before him," Dr. Venom said to the Baroness.
"What? You can't be serious! No one is that manipulative!" Destro snorted.
"You are!" The Baroness folded her arms. "You deliberately provoked me didn't you?"
"I provoked you? I'm not the one who shot first!" Destro snapped.
"God! This is like that weekend retreat in the Bahamas all over again! You remember the one where you managed to engineer a fight between me and one of your business rivals!" The Baroness widened her eyes. "While the two of us were recovering in the hospital, you were stealing his clients and seducing his wife!"
"Oh? Have you forgotten that Cobra Ladies' luncheon where you tricked me into believing that some half with Crimson Guard was flirting with you and got me to fight him all so you could win a bet with Cadet Deming?" Destro shouted. "I had balsamic vinaigrette all over my uniform and you have any idea how hard it is to get the stain out?"
"Oddly enough you had no problems with the stains on your bed sheets that bimbo in London made in that hotel room!" The Baroness snapped.
"She was a painter! She was painting my portrait to which I was going to give to you!" Destro snapped.
"With her bare breasts?" The Baroness snapped.
"I don't have to listen to this!" Destro shouted.
"Are you going to let him walk out on you Baroness? After everything you've been through?" Dr. Venom asked The Baroness. "Maybe he doesn't care and you should move on with your life?"
"Oh no! He does not get to just throw me away like a piece of tissue after he has used it!" The Baroness snapped.
"Are you going to let her talk like that to you?" Dr. Venom asked Destro.
"Hell no!" Destro snapped. "You want me to quit don't you Baroness? Well tough! I am going to keep going to therapy whether I want to or not!"
"Well I'm going too!" The Baroness snapped. "Unlike you, I have the patience to see this through!"
"HA! We'll see which of us is patient!" Destro snapped.
"Good then we'll schedule our next appointment same time next week," Dr. Venom said brightly.
"Fine!" Destro snapped.
"Fine!" The Baroness snapped. "I'll see you here!"
"I will be here!" Destro glared at her.
"That's good. Okay that will be five hundred dollars please," Dr. Venom told them.
"Five hundred dollars?" Destro gave him a look.
"Well normally I charge two fifty but since you broke all my furniture…" Dr. Venom indicated the trashed room.
"All right. I'll write you a check," Destro grumbled.
"I prefer cash if you don't mind," Dr. Venom told him.
"Fine," Destro checked his wallet. "Baroness I'm a bit short. If you don't mind…?"
"WHAT?" The Baroness snapped. "You expect me to pay too?"
"We are a couple and you said yourself that we should do more things together," Destro sneered.
"Fine! You cheapskate!" The Baroness grumbled as she took some money out of her belt.
"Not so easy is it when you have to spend your own money is it?" Destro quipped as The Baroness finished paying Dr. Venom.
"Bite me Destro!" The Baroness stormed out of the room.
"I wish something would…" Destro grumbled as he left the room after her. "Maybe then I would get some peace and quiet around here?"
"Oh you want quiet? I know a few graveyards that would be perfect!" The Baroness snapped as they walked the hallway.
"Don't tempt me woman," Destro warned. "You're not the only one who has had a murder fantasy or two in this relationship!"
"Keep being a jackass Destro and I might just make that fantasy a reality!" The Baroness warned.
"So how did the couple's therapy go?" Zartan asked as he passed them in the hallway.
"Get stuffed Zartan!" Destro shouted.
"That is the one thing you have said all day that I agree with!" The Baroness yelled.
"Oh put a sock in in woman!" Destro snapped.
"Don't tell me what to do!" The Baroness snapped as they stormed away. "I tell you what to do!"
"Nag, nag, nag…" Destro grumbled as they left.
Zartan then walked into Dr. Venom's office. "I take it the session was a success," He remarked as he looked around the destroyed office.
"Actually it went a lot better than I thought," Dr. Venom remarked. "Boy those two are…Whoo!"
"Tell me about it. You think you can save their relationship?" Zartan asked.
"Oh God no," Dr. Venom snorted. "That relationship is doomed. Gonna explode like a thermonuclear missile hitting a napalm factory. But I can delay the explosion for at least a few months and get enough money out of them to cover a new Lexus!"
"So you can definitely hold them off until March?" Zartan asked.
"Oh yeah," Dr. Venom nodded. "Easy. Remember I get a cut from the betting pool."
"Of course," Zartan smirked. "Which reminds me…"
"Yes, I have it here," Dr. Venom smiled as he took some of the money Destro gave him. "Here's your cut."
"Thank you Doctor," Zartan smiled as he took the money.
"No, thank you Zartan," Dr. Venom grinned. "Hell if I can get them on a long enough roll I might just get myself two new cars! As well as some better office furniture."
"My pleasure," Zartan nodded. "See you next week."
As Zartan left the office he said to himself. "And Destro thinks my Dreadnoks are morons!"