The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any GI Joe characters has gone off somewhere. Apparently it has a private life all its own. Just more madness from my tiny little mind. What would happen if there was a…
Double date With Destro And The Baroness
"Why the hell did we agree to this?" Destro hissed to the Baroness as they sat down at a nicely decorated table in a restaurant. He was dressed in a tuxedo with his usual metal mask. "It's bad enough I have to associate with Dr. Mindbender and pretend he's interesting during the day. But now I have to feign interest in his life after hours?"
"You know what our couples therapist said," The Baroness told him. She was wearing an elegant black dress. "That we should mingle and socialize with other couples. And since our only other options are either the Crimson Twins or Road Pig and his two personalities, Mindbender won out."
"And I lost," Destro groaned. "Mindbender? On a date?"
"I know. It's about as likely as finding an emperor penguin in the Sahara Desert. I was skeptical as well but…" The Baroness sighed. "Desperate times call for desperate measures. Besides you have been spending too much time in your office working. And since this is one of the few restaurants that specifically caters to our particular profession I wanted to check it out without worrying about any annoying police raids."
"I admit I have been interested in checking out this place ever since Whitey Bulger wrote up a good review for it in his blog," Destro sighed. "But why did we have to come tonight with other people? And by other people I mean Dr. Mindbender and whatever experiment he dragged out of his lab."
"It was either this or spend another 'Boys Night' with Cobra Commander, Zartan and the Dreadnoks," The Baroness gave him a look. "Remember last time? When they all got drunk and went bowling…using live chickens for balls?"
"On the other hand I don't get out of the office enough," Destro did an about face. "And who knows? Maybe I misjudged Mindbender?"
"Oh Destro, you did not misjudge him," The Baroness said. "But he is much better compared to the company of the Dreadnoks and a drunken Cobra Commander."
"Godzilla with a migraine is better company than either the Dreadnoks or a drunken Cobra Commander," Destro said. "Still I wonder where he got his date for the evening, given the fact that the man has all the sexual attractiveness of a sea slug and less charisma."
"Five will get you ten he made her in his lab," The Baroness said as she looked at the wine menu. "Again."
"Oh God I hope this isn't another one like the one with the tentacles," Destro moaned. "That was a nightmare!"
"I'll say! Even I thought she was a little grabby," The Baroness agreed. "You did bring your laser pistol just in case?"
"Yes. And a few other weapons. Did you bring your taser?" Destro looked over the wine list.
"That and the pepper spray," The Baroness told him.
"And is the infirmary back at the base well stocked up?" Destro asked.
"I have emergency medical teams on standby," The Baroness said.
"Then we are as ready as we will ever be," Destro looked around. "Oh there's Mindbender now."
"Let's get this over with," The Baroness sighed as she saw Mindbender walk in. He was wearing a tuxedo along with his usual cape. "I must say it is a welcome change to see Mindbender with a shirt on."
"That's not the only surprise this evening," Destro pointed to a very lovely blonde middle aged woman in a green dress with sparkles.
"Good lord she looks human," The Baroness blinked in surprised.
"If Mindbender made that remind me to put in an order in the future," Destro blinked. "I guess it is true what they say. Practice makes perfect."
"Watch your tongue Destro. She is obviously not an android or a synthoid. Not after what happened at the Christmas party. Something has to be wrong with her," The Baroness hissed.
"We don't know that," Destro said. "Maybe Mindbender finally decided to use his credit card and go to a nice reliable escort service?"
"No, that's not it," The Baroness shook her head. "She's not hooker pretty. She's too old. I mean she looks like a bit older than my age but not as good looking."
"You wish you looked like her age," Destro muttered under his breath.
"What was that?" The Baroness asked sharply.
"I said middle aged hookers are all the rage," Destro covered quickly.
"No, there is something wrong with her," The Baroness said.
"Well she's with Mindbender. Odds are you're right," Destro remarked.
"Besides the obvious!" The Baroness hissed. "Something is wrong with her and I…"
She changed her tune as Mindbender walked over with his date to their table. "Mindbender, darling!" The Baroness purred graciously. "So wonderful to see you. And who is your lovely date?"
"Baroness, Destro I want you to meet Dr. Cassandra Knox," Mindbender introduced the woman.
"Oh a doctor. Are you a doctor of psychiatry or…specializing in the criminally insane?" The Baroness asked.
"No, I'm a doctor of robotics and bio engineering," Cassandra said. "Please call me Cassandra."
"Charmed," Destro kissed her hand. "I'd be happy to call you anytime."
"Maybe I discounted the robot theory too soon?" The Baroness grumbled to herself. "So Cassandra how did you and Dr. Mindbender meet?"
"We met up on Mad Scientist Match Dot Com," Cassandra said as she sat down at the table. "I know what you are thinking. Why does a successful scientist specializing in robotic terrorism need to find a date online?"
"Actually that question sort of answers itself," Destro remarked. "Although I admit I have heard of you. You used to work for quite a few other terrorist organizations in the past didn't you?"
"Mostly freelance, Sphinx and SPECTER mostly," Cassandra shrugged. "And a couple of jobs for Hydra and a few other freelance entrepreneurs. Recently I had been working at an exclusive secret hospital in the Tropics."
"So at this hospital you were at were you on the staff or a patient?" The Baroness asked. Everyone gave her a look. "What? I'm just trying to fill in the blanks here."
"I was on staff," Cassandra explained. "Creating bionic and robotic limbs for patients. Some of which were requested by the patients."
"Ooh experimental bionic transplants," The Baroness purred. "This one is a keeper Mindbender."
"I know! Isn't she the best?" Mindbender beamed.
"Well she certainly is above and beyond your usual standards I must admit," Destro said as the waiter came and gave them menus. "Hmm…The crab cakes sound good for an appetizer."
"Yes but I am in the mood for something else tonight," The Baroness said. "I believe I will try the clam chowder. I hear it's rather good."
"Darling you know what happens when you have clam chowder," Destro told her. "It doesn't agree with you."
"Well neither do you, but I tolerate you," The Baroness gave him a look. "I am having the clam chowder."
"Oh goody," Destro let out a breath. "Looks like I am going to have to use the bathroom at the gas station down the street tonight. At least it will smell better than after you're through with it."
"This sounds nice," Mindbender pointed to the menu. "They have a special pot roast cooked in over four cups of red wine."
"That sounds a little light for the Baroness's taste," Destro remarked.
"I do not drink that much!" The Baroness snapped.
"Baroness you are the only woman I know who can go through a vat of wine in less than an hour," Destro said. "Not even Charlie Sheen could beat that record."
"Oh this from the man who practically brushes his teeth with 80 proof Scotch every night!" The Baroness snapped.
"It's a family tradition," Destro said. "Have you ever seen me get a cavity? No! So it works!"
"Well at least something works in your family," The Baroness grumbled.
"Don't go there," Destro glared at her.
"You should see the gaggle of gold diggers and sponges that make up Destro's family," The Baroness pointed her thumb at Destro. "Now I know why Destro works so hard. And knowing is a good reason to have a secret bank account."
"You went there," Destro glared at her. "You know perfectly well that over half my clan is over the age of 75! They have worked long and hard their entire lives and deserve some rest."
"Rest? Please! I've seen your 80 something year old aunts bench press over a hundred pounds and they never worked a day in their lives!" The Baroness snapped.
"Oh your family is long lived?" Cassandra asked. "Family genetics are something of a hobby of mine. I believe that one's family help determine your lifespan."
"Well his family nearly shortened mine the last time I visited them!" The Baroness growled.
"For the last time Grandmother did not try to kill you," Destro gave her a look. "It was an accident."
"An accident that left me in the hospital for a week!" The Baroness snapped.
"Uh speaking of hospitals, Cassandra darling tell Destro and the Baroness about your new project," Mindbender spoke up.
"Oh right," Cassandra took the hint. "I am putting together a specialized hospital working on new experimental medical technology."
"And I take it that much of this experimental technology is unauthorized by the Geneva Convention and frowned upon by human rights groups?" Destro asked.
"You guess correctly," Cassandra nodded.
"Bunch of bleeding hearts," Mindbender huffed. "Most of those people we experiment on are going to die anyway!"
"Well maybe in sixty or so years but yes," Cassandra nodded. "Anyway I was wondering if you knew anyone in Cobra who would be interested in funding such a project?"
"Why of course! I'm sure Cobra Commander and I can fiddle around with the budget and…" Destro beamed.
"Fiddle? How is it possible to fiddle with zero?" The Baroness snorted.
"Not now, darling," Destro smiled through his teeth. "Networking here…"
"Flirting more like it," The Baroness grumbled.
"Do you have to do this every time I even speak to an attractive woman?" Destro glared at her.
"Only when you drool over her like a steak dinner," The Baroness gave him a look.
"Speaking of steak…I hear they do a good steak dinner," Cassandra said quickly.
"So you admit you find her attractive?" The Baroness went on to Destro.
"No, I think she looks like a dead wombat! Of course she's an attractive woman! But that doesn't mean I want to sleep with her!" Destro snapped.
"Yeah right," The Baroness snorted.
"Why would I? When I have such a wonderful girlfriend with absolutely no jealousy issues?" Destro mocked. "Oh yeah all that money I'm paying for couples therapy is well spent."
"You only paid for one session you cheap bastard!" The Baroness snapped.
"It was one session too many," Destro snapped back. "I have been the subject of enemy interrogations that were not as embarrassing or painful!"
"You want to talk pain and embarrassment, Destro Darling?" The Baroness snarled. "How about the pain and embarrassment of over twenty five years of putting up with your crap and still not getting a wedding ring?"
"And here we go!" Destro threw up his hands. "Once again we come to the heart of the Devil's Rumpus Room! Why the hell do you want to get married so badly?"
"Because I love you, you stupid ass!" The Baroness snarled. "Why I have no idea! But I do!"
"I keep telling you, now is not the time!" Destro said. "If you would just practice a little more patience!"
"Practice a little more patience? Are you kidding me?" The Baroness snapped. "I've been waiting for you for over twenty five years! If I was any more patient glaciers would be forming in my underwear drawer!"
"Are they always like this?" Cassandra whispered to Mindbender.
"No, tonight is one of their better nights," Mindbender sighed. "That therapy must really be working."
"Glaciers huh? Well you are certainly cold enough in bed to give confirmation of that theory!" Destro snapped.
"I need a drink…" Mindbender grumbled. "Waiter! Wine! And hurry!"
"Make it a double!" The Baroness snapped.
Twenty minutes later…
"And so the assistant tells the mad scientist, 'Igor? I thought you said Al Gore,'" Mindbender was finishing the joke as the couples finished their appetizers. "And the mad scientist says 'No. I said Igor. Now how are we going to explain all this penguin blood to the boss?' And the assistant says, 'Global Warming'? Get it?"
"Well that's definitely a joke I will never forget," Destro laughed politely. "No matter how hard I try."
"Yes uh…Baroness I need to go to the ladies' room. Would you like to join me?" Cassandra asked.
"Cassandra I know that is normally a euphemism for two women to go and gossip but I am fine," The Baroness waved. "Besides I don't usually gossip about people."
"Since when?" Destro asked.
"Besides I don't think it's such a good idea to leave the men folk alone for too long," The Baroness grinned. "Especially since one of them has the bad habit of running out on the other when she's in the bathroom."
"Sweetie, if you recall both those times you were shooting an automatic and were a tad miffed about the service of the restaurant," Destro told her.
"No, I was a tad miffed about finding out that you slept with one of the waitresses," The Baroness gave him a look. "The service was actually rather decent for an establishment filled with whores."
"Okay speaking of whores, have you heard the latest gossip on Starla Starlowe?" Cassandra said quickly.
"Nice try but it is not going to work," Mindbender smiled through his teeth.
"Oh please. Regale me more about the lustful tales of that common tramp that pretends that she is an actress," The Baroness said with a grin. "I'm sure Destro would be interested since he slept with her. But then again from what I heard she sleeps with just about anyone."
"Okay in the first place we were on a break," Destro reminded her with a growl. "Which by the way was your idea!"
"I didn't mean for you to just jump into the sack with the very first whore that came along!" The Baroness snapped.
"She is not a whore. She is a lovely young woman," Destro said.
"She's a very drunk and stupid young woman," The Baroness gave him a look. "Of course nowadays this is a prerequisite for being an actress in Hollywood so she fits right in."
"We only dated a week," Destro said.
"Yes that's how long it took her to figure out that it was no longer Halloween and you were wearing a mask!" The Baroness snapped. "Lucky for you she was blitzed out of her mind when you were with her."
"She was not that drunk," Destro said.
"Destro she thought that it was Halloween because of your mask," The Baroness gave her a look. "You dated her in July!"
"Oh and what about your dalliance with Julio, the Cabana Boy of the West of Beverly Hills?" Destro snapped. "Now that I recall, he wasn't exactly a model of sobriety either!"
"Destro to be fair no one in their right mind would stay sober if they had to spend a large amount of time with the Baroness," Mindbender pointed out.
"You have a point," Destro shrugged. "The Baroness is proof that alcoholism is a contagious disease!"
"At least I never got any diseases you had to go to a free clinic to cure!" The Baroness snapped.
"Oh have we forgotten about our little trip to Aruba last year already?" Destro mocked.
"That doesn't count," The Baroness snapped. "It turned out to be eczema! In a rather unusual place. Long story short, I will never sunbathe on a nude beach ever again."
"You do not need fifty penicillin shots for eczema Baroness!" Destro snapped at her.
"Okay I am definitely going to the ladies room alone," Cassandra got up quickly. "I'll be right back." She left the table.
"Well I think this is going well," Mindbender said sarcastically. "Baroness why the hell didn't you just simply go with the woman to the bathroom?"
"Because I wanted to stay behind and find out why she's with you," The Baroness hissed.
"Well she won't be with me much longer if you two keep going at it like a pair of jackals at a zebra carcass!" Mindbender snapped. "And what do you mean by that crack about why she's with me?"
"She's charming. Intelligent. Well known and most likely an actual human being," Destro said. "The Baroness is right. Something is wrong with her."
"There is nothing wrong with her. The problem is the two of you!" Mindbender snapped.
"What do you mean?" The Baroness asked.
"Yes, we've been on our best behavior," Destro nodded.
"Baroness, Destro most people's definition of 'best behavior' does not mean the lack of weapons used in a conversation!" Mindbender snapped. "Oh I knew this double date was a bad idea! Even Road Pig would have had been a better conversationalist than the two of you!"
"Do you know what he's talking about?" The Baroness asked Destro.
"I haven't the faintest idea," Destro admitted. "Although this is hardly a surprise. We all know how Mindbender tends to dramatize things."
"I'm dramatizing things?" Mindbender snapped. "You two are bickering like the Constanzas from that Seinfeld show and I'm dramatizing things? You two have been at each other's throats since we got here! You have been nasty to each other and condescending to me and my date and just generally unpleasant! So listen up! I don't care what you two do! You two can go kill each other in a knife fight to the death in the parking lot if you want but you are not going to screw this thing up with me and Cassandra! Got it?"
"You're right," The Baroness told Destro. "He is rather overdramatic isn't he? Which leads me back to the question of why she's with him?"
"There is nothing wrong with Cassandra! She is perfect!" Mindbender snapped.
"She can't be perfect if she's with you," The Baroness pointed out. "At first I thought she was insane or something but for a mad scientist she's surprisingly rational."
"Are you sure she's not a synthoid?" Destro asked Mindbender.
"NO! Cassandra is not a synthoid or a robot or a mental patient or an alien from another planet…" Mindbender ranted.
"See that was my fourth guess," Destro interrupted.
"SHUT UP!" Mindbender snapped. "Listen up! There is nothing weird about Cassandra! She is a perfectly normal woman who actually likes me! She really likes me! Just because you two can't have a normal relationship doesn't mean that no one else can! You're just trying to pick apart my relationship because yours is a complete disaster!"
"Well that's a little harsh," The Baroness sniffed.
"So let me make this perfectly clear! Cassandra is normal! There is nothing wrong or sinister about her! And there is nothing you can say that can make me change my mind!" Mindbender snapped.
He heard a movement next to him. "Oh hello darling how was…." He then noticed that he was staring down the barrel of a gun. "The ladies room?"
"I think I just came up with a rather good argument why this relationship isn't going to progress at a normal pace," Destro remarked as several waiter and patrons pulled out their weapons as well.
"Uh Cassandra? Darling," Mindbender gulped. "Anything wrong?"
'Cassandra' removed her wig to reveal shoulder length black hair. "Agent Arista Tract, Interpol Special Terrorist Unit!" She spoke in a British accent. "You Cobra Agents are under arrest for crimes against humanity!"
"Ah," The Baroness nodded. "There it is!"
"Should have been obvious now that I think about it," Destro admitted.
"You know in a way this is a relief," The Baroness let out a breath. "I was going crazy trying to figure it out."
"I know. It was like something annoying like a piece of food stuck in the back of your teeth," Destro nodded. "You know it's there but you can't figure out where it is or what it is."
"Wait, Cassandra? You're not real?" Mindbender gasped.
"Oh Cassandra Knox is real. We apprehended her about a week ago," One of the Interpol agents explained. "But we decided to keep her dating page active to see who or what we could fish out of the gutter!"
"By the way, that was the most disgusting offensive joke about global warming I have ever heard!" Arista snapped. "And I spent three years working on the eco-terrorism unit!"
"Let me guess, all this was a ruse for you to trap us?" Destro asked.
"Actually I was planning on infiltrating Cobra but quite frankly I just couldn't take another minute of your bickering!" Arista snapped.
"See! I told you it was you!" Mindbender snapped.
"Maybe but at least they didn't make me sit through three hours of Eastern European slasher pornography!" Arista snarled.
"Oh God Mindbender you didn't show her your family home movies did you?" Destro groaned.
"It was just my cousin Mikos' wedding," Mindbender shrugged. "Okay so the bride happened to be caught sleeping with the entire band and it was on film. And maybe Mikos and Uncle Kronos went a bit too far with those chainsaws …"
"You sick disgusting freaks are under arrest!" Arista snarled. "With you three behind bars we can finally take down Cobra once and for all!"
"I…think not," The Baroness fiddled with her earrings. "It's been a lovely evening but we really must be going!"
With a swift movement she tore off her earring and threw it on the floor. It exploded into a huge plume of smoke that covered the entire room in seconds. "SMOKE BOMB! GET THEM!" Arista yelled.
In the smoke there was the sound of gunshots as well as screams. Before long the kitchen doors flew open to reveal Destro, Mindbender and the Baroness running for their lives. "Order up!" Destro quickly turned and rolled up his sleeve, revealing small wrist missile. He shot the missile out the door.
BOOOOM!
"Sorry! Customers changed their order!" The Baroness had grabbed her taser and shocked kitchen staff and agents alike. Then she pulled out her blaster and shot another agent behind Mindbender. "Watch your back!"
"Let's get out of here!" Mindbender screamed.
"Good thing I never leave the base without some extra firepower," Destro took something out of his side pocket and threw them behind him as he ran.
"Are those Tiny Bombs?" The Baroness asked, stopping her firing for a moment.
"Yes," Destro nodded. "I suggest we run now. Very quickly."
"Okay," Mindbender nodded. "AAAAHHHH!"
The trio ran out of the kitchen into the back parking lot just in time. The entire restaurant went up in a huge boom and a fiery blaze. "Well if that doesn't put this restaurant on the map…" Destro quipped as he looked back.
"I know I like my steaks well done but that is a bit too much," The Baroness remarked.
"You two brought all those explosives and weapons on our double date?" Mindbender was stunned. "Why?"
"Do I really need to explain myself?" Destro gave him a look.
"Especially after the last time?" The Baroness glared at him.
"I said I was sorry about the incident with Charlene," Mindbender groaned. "Okay so she was a little bit grabby but with five tentacles who can blame her?"
"We blame you," The Baroness fired on an Interpol Agent that tried to flank them. "We'd better steal a car in case they put a tracking device on ours!"
"Damn it! I had some halfway good music downloaded in there!" Destro growled as he fired on more enemies. "And a new GPS system! Thanks a lot Mindbender!"
"Fine! I'll buy you a new one!" Mindbender took out a vial of gas from his coat pocket. "Okay we need to find a car with a very good air conditioning system and speed because once I let this baby loose we can't roll down the windows for a second. At least until we get about a mile away!"
"Is that some of your famous mutating gas?" The Baroness asked as they went on the run.
"No, just good old fashioned poison gas," Mindbender said. "Don't worry it's in a plastic vial. I do not want a repeat of last year's mad scientist convention."
"Good to see you've learned from your mistakes!" Destro snapped as they made it to the parking lot. He used his laser blaster to unlock an SUV. "Get in!"
"Wait a minute! That's an SUV! I can't be seen in one of those!" The Baroness snapped. "Besides I remember that particular model failed all those Car and Driver tests."
"Well how about that Lincoln over there?" Destro pointed.
"I don't know. It's red. And you know red is not a good getaway car," The Baroness said.
"Oh right. It gets pulled over and stopped more times than any other color," Destro sighed. "Okay…Well forget that light blue Rolls Royce."
"Why what's wrong with it?" The Baroness asked.
"Well look at it. It has more scratches on the door than a vinyl record," Destro pointed.
"Oh I see what you mean," The Baroness remarked. "Looks rather tacky."
"Not half as tacky as that lime green monstrosity over there," Destro pointed.
"Good God, not even a blind man would drive a car like that," The Baroness remarked. "What about that silver one?"
"I dunno…I'm not sure…" Destro began.
"JUST PICK A DAMN CAR!" Mindbender screamed. "Look! Black Lexus! Right here!"
"Ooh. Nice job Mindbender," Destro unlocked it with his blaster.
"Very nice," The Baroness got in as Destro hot-wired the car.
"I'm glad you both approve!" Mindbender said sarcastically as he got in and prepared the vial.
The car roared to life. Several more agents appeared to try and stop them but Mindbender threw the vial out the window. "GO! GO! GO!" Mindbender screamed as he rolled the window up.
"Choke on that!" The Baroness scoffed as she looked behind her. "Serves them right for interrupting our meal!"
BRRRATTTTTTTT!
"What the hell was…?" Mindbender took a whiff. "I didn't get any of my poison gas in did I?"
"No…You didn't…" Destro grimaced. "Baroness!"
"Sorry…" The Baroness winced.
BRRRRRRAFFFFFTTTTTTT!
"Oh god! That smells worse than a Dreadnok!" Mindbender gasped.
"This is nothing. You should stick around when she eats chili!" Destro snapped. "If we ever found a way to harness the power of her gaseous emissions Cobra would be unstoppable!"
"Great. Now I really do have to use the bathroom," The Baroness sighed. "Better get the lead out Destro. Or else things are really going to get messy."
"I told you not to eat the clam chowder," Destro grumbled. "But do you listen to me? Nooooo! Just like you didn't listen to me about this whole stupid evening!"
"This was not my fault! This is the fault of Mindbender and our therapist!" The Baroness snapped. "Which by the way we are getting a new one!"
"Obviously!" Destro snapped. "The one good thing out of this wretched evening! I thought that man was a quack the moment I saw him!"
He looked around at the car. "Hmm, this car has a better GPS system than my old one. Stereo looks nicer too. And the handling isn't bad at all. Now that I think about it, this car is better than my other one."
"See that Darling, you got an upgrade," The Baroness said. "So it wasn't really a wasted evening after all."
"It was rather fun wasn't it? Well other than my date turning out to be an Interpol Agent, your little spat and burning down a restaurant before we got our entrees I think it was a lovely evening," Mindbender remarked. "We should do this again sometime."
"Yes. How about the Fifth of NEVER AGAIN?" Destro snapped.