Big Head Boy, a harry potter fanfic

happy slightly early birthday, provocative-envy.

This is an homage to your Chaos Theory 'verse.

Percy is the third person in his embarrassingly enormous, embarrassingly left-wing family to go to Oxford.

(He always breezes past the fact that it took two tries to get in. He'd worked so hard in school to be a Prefect and Head Boy, and top of the class in everything and perfect GCSEs and perfect A-Levels and – and it hadn't been enough the first year.

He hadn't got a place. Rejected. And it fucking… They had interviewed him, and everyone said that's still amazing, most people don't even get an interview Percy. But he'd failed.

So he'd taken a gap year and reapplied. A small deviation from his plans.

Not, he likes to emphasize to people, like the one Charlie'd had, when he'd gone to Africa for nine months to save the Elephants or rhinos or whatever, no Percy hadn't done anything like that. Instead he'd worked for a Tory MP as a research assistant, eagerly attaching himself to the centre of power, hungrily learning and watching.

(Charlie had been at Oxford too; a Rugby Blue and head of the Horntails drinking society and so was Bill, Bill who'd got a first – and Percy. Percy hasn't been invited. He's never had the fire-engine red envelope. Never, he tells himself, wanted it.)

(7:58) New Message: Demon Twin 1

are you wearing red trousers today?

Fuck off, Fred.

its george

i think

i'm not always sure tbh

anyway they clash with your hair

bill never wore red trousers

even when he was an Oxford dickhead

like u

he got a first

he works at fucking

goldman sachs

and he wouldn't wear red trousers so

think about that

Don't you have "start ups" to plan?

Or an app?

Or whatever it is that you do?

yeah

but thats the joy of being self-employed perce

if we want to take a few minutes to remind our brother hes an arse

we can

Right well

I'm not wearing red trousers actually.

But if I were

That would be fine.

YOU ARE

ur such a twat

you are never going to get a girlfriend

if you wear red trousers

Penelope liked them.

She said I looked like Rory Stewart.

we don't

know who that is but –

HE'S OUR LOCAL MP!

SERIOUSLY FRED/GEORGE.

YOU SHOULD BE MORE ENGAGED IN POLITICS.

- BUT penelope was like

a really big fan of cashmere twin sets

and shoulder pads ?!

and like

she let you read machiavelli to her

in bed

i dont think you should like assume youll find another girl who is like

the actual female version of you

only

she was quite fit

in a margaret thatcher sort of way

(8:23) 7 New Messages: Demon Twin 2

yeah and also, perce

u know you had

a poster on your wall

Of BORIS JOHNSTON ?!

anyway

we fixed that

ur welcome

Percy's phone hits the bed, bouncing off onto the floor. It doesn't really help relieve his frustration and he ignores as it continues to vibrate with new messages from his idiotic twin brothers, who were probably lounging around in matching silk fucking Hugh Hefner dressing gowns in their ridiculous edgy flat in Shoreditch, god, seriously, whatever.

He leaves it on the floor of his room, and grabs his essay – three copies, printed and stapled the night before because he doesn't like to rush things- and sets off for his first tutorial of the term. He's excited to meet Professor Donaghue ("Call me Brian"), who was David Cameron's favourite tutor when he had walked the same hallowed halls as Percy now haunted.

(8:55) iMessage to Marietta Edgecombe

Marietta

You know I said I had a new tute partner?

For political theory?

Well

He's here and

He's wearing red corduroy trousers

And a tweed jacket

with

fucking

l eather elbow patches

And a TIE

IT'S NINE AM

ON A TUESDAY

Omg theres

A tie pin

I think its got his initials on

What the fuck

I have

A whole term with him

He's got a leather folder

With his essay in

And fuck

he looks like

a douchebag

jfc cho

its nine am

I am an English student

I'm not

Like

Awake

Sorry

I just

Wait let me snapchat a picture

Oh my god

He's

Like

He's gone to a shop

And said 'dress me like a tory mp'

Or like

Idk

A brideshead revisited reject?

Like charles fucking ryder

I bet he has

A drawer

Full of sweater vests

And like

At least four different coloured pairs of chinos

Okay we're going in wait ill be done in an hour

(10:04) Sent as Text Message

Omg

Marietta

Hes like

So right wing?

Idk

I actually wanted to throw something at him

And the tutor

Is such a dick

He was like lapping up all this shit

About

Men and womens attitudes to politics

And

Margaret fucking thatcher

Being a "GLORIOUS EXCEPTION"

And like

Im going to the gym

I'm so mad

I need to do my economics reading

but

I just

I'm so angry

you do you

Percy goes to Port & Policy on Sunday evenings with the Oxford University Conservative Association - once spearheaded by his idol Margaret Thatcher (he's relieved the twins haven't find the framed photograph of her hidden in his sock drawer). He runs for Secretary of the Oxford Union, and spends his days there, neglecting his work in favour of the heady network of power.

(He doesn't understand why people find it so annoying when he asks them to vote for him, or groan when he says he wants to be President.)

On election day, when he's outside the Radcliffe Camera library, asking people to go down to the union to vote his sees his tutorial partner, Cho Chang.

She makes him nervous, with her shiny hair and her firm, straight brows and her piercing dark eyes and the haughty way she argues with him, and how she slams everything he says, how she sounds like his sister, Ginny, sometimes, when Ginny hears him talking, how assured she is, how angry, how sometimes she argues with their tutor – their brilliant, famous tutor – once, memorably, calling him an outdated sexist pig and –

And he's embarrassed suddenly. His phone vibrates in his pocket and he pulls it out, grateful for a reason not to stop her and ask her to vote.

(15:01) 1 New Message: Charlie Weasley

Percy, just skyped Mum and she said you're running for the Union. Don't do that. I know you're having some sort of weird rebellion by becoming as much of a twat as you can, but seriously – there's a line.

(16:26) 3 New Messages: Charlie Weasley

Bill says "it's your funeral" but

Just

Don't be a dick, dude.

Charlie, please keep your nose out of it. I hope the lions are well.

(He hates his family. Why don't they support his ambitions? No one called Bill a dick for working at an investment bank – they'd called Percy a prat for bringing up the 2008 crash over dinner and he just

He doesn't understand.)

He can see the little grey dots as Charlie types and then deletes and types again.

I'm just worried about you, but whatever. Those people fucking suck though. Be careful.

Cho passes (and he stares at her legs - distractingly long and lean and strong in her gym shorts, and her cheeks still flushed from exertion and it just hits him so hard that she's fucking beautiful, the kind of beautiful that Bill brings home not him, not Percy, but she's so clever and passionate and sharp-tongued as hell and he – he just stares) laughing with her friends, lacrosse stick slung over her shoulder on her way back to her college, ponytail swinging behind her.

In their next tutorial it's her turn to read, and her essay viciously lambastes the connection between meat farming and the economy. His tutor is confused, for the first time ever, and unsure, but Percy – Percy is fascinated.

As they leave Professor Donaghue's room, he says something stupid, clumsy – an attempt to praise that sounds sarcastic – and she turns to scowl at him.

"Are you taking the piss?"

"No," he says, surprised and slightly offended because that's really not his realm of expertise, he's sincere and serious and not that sort of person, not like his brothers.

"Alright. Well. That idiot hated it but it's important."

"I thought it was amazing," he says, earnestly and she frowns.

"You're really weird, Weasley. Everything I said contradicts what you come in saying week after week."

"Well," he stutters, "yes but – that is to say,"

You're possibly right. Maybe.

(She's starting to change his world view. He's only known her for a few weeks but she's unraveling him).

"I'm going to the library," she says. "You want to do the reading for next week together?"

Hi Percy, it's Cho. Can you tell Call-Me-Brian that I'm running five minutes late for our tutorial – the printer in our college broke down.

Hi Cho, do you have that copy of Krugman's Great Unravelling? The only copies left seem to be reference only.

Yeah – I'm actually done with it. I'm in the library (Duke Humphrey's) so you can come and get it if you want.

I'm here too. Where are you working?

Arts end.

Wait I'll meet you downstairs, I need a coffee break anyway.

Two minutes, I just need to finish these notes. I'll come with you.

He doesn't get voted into the Union and he finds himself strangely relieved. And one Sunday evening at Port and Policy he looks around the room, and realises it's full of people who look exactly as they will at forty, brick-faced boys with hee-hawing laughs, boys who don't know what it means when your Mum has to budget every penny, when you can't go to the boarding schools you got scholarships for because there just isn't enough money, when everything you owned as a kid was second-hand, even your schoolbooks.

It's alright now, Bill's rich and the Twins have already made a small fortune on whatever weird app or fucking startup or whatever they're working on at the moment and it's fine, it's easier but these people –

These people are smug and self-satisfied and boring. He stops going every week.

(7:22) 1 New Message Cho Chang

No I can't do 1.30 I've got lacrosse practice at lunchtime – can we meet at 2 outside the Rad Cam?

Yes that's fine, see you there.

Bring coffee.

They work together regularly and he likes how much she challenges him. He asks around, and hears that Cho is much sought after but that she hasn't dated anyone at Oxford since her boyfriend, Cedric Diggory left both the university and her the year before. He's been called up to play professional cricket, they say, and didn't have time for a girlfriend.

(Percy remembers watching Cedric play Cambridge at Lords in his first year. He'd been intimidating handsome and talented. He'd scored a century and taken three wickets. They say he'll play for England one day.)

(12:02) 23 Notifications: Group message with Demon Twin 1 and Demon Twin 2.

1 perce

2 we've been thinking

1 we've got a couple of days off next week

2 days off because u know

1 we're self employed

2 we thought we'd come and take you out

1 make sure ur not being too much of a prat

2 telling people u were head boy at school

1 won't help you make friends

2 so yeah make sure you've done all your homework

1 or whatever poncy word you have for it

2 also - and completely coincidentally -

1 theres a conference at the business school

2 we've been asked to give a talk about Flappy Birds

1 which u never played

2 we hacked ur phone to check - really fucking supportive, brother

1 its definitely you were coming to see tho

2 so see u next Wednesday

1 really next Wednesday

2 You're not that much of a prat

1 well idk

2 ...

1 usually anyway

The twins take him out for cocktails in Jericho first (they request extra umbrellas and it's horrifying and every single drink is bright pink and delicious although he denies it) and then they stumble down to Park End nightclub, which is actually called something different, hasn't been Park End for years, is called Lava Ignite or something stupid but no one calls it that and he doesn't know why -

and it's vile – really vile – there's carpets and his shoes stick to the floor and suddenly there's Cho in a fucking toga, her hair loose for once, and she sees him and pushes her way over and flings her arms around him screaming ohmigod you're in a club what the fuck and it's so good to see you! even though they worked together in the library that afternoon -

- and the twins yell Shots! at the barman and then he doesn't remember much except her lips against his on the cheese floor and her lithe body and -

(5:56) iMessage Marietta Edgecombe

Marietta

Marietta wake up

Marietta

Marietta I'm dying

What?

It's

Six

SIX

What do you want?

Marietta I'm in bed

With my tute partner

And

I don't even

What

THE GINGER?

WITH THE TWEED AND THE GLASSES?

YES

AND

THE LEATHER ELBOW PATCHES

THE FUCKING ENGRAVED TIE PIN

THAT ONE

I MEAN HIS FACE IS LIKE ACTUALLY QUITE BEAUTIFUL

BUT LIKE

HE HAS A POCKET SQUARE?!

Oh my god

On his desk there's a fucking

Conservative Association letter

Oh my god

My mother said this would happen

If I came to Oxford

She said be careful you might accidentally marry a banker

Fuck

Cho

You have lax practice in

An hour

Come back to our set and tell me here.

(9.43)

Cho?

You missed practice?

(10.24)

Cho?

FFS

(12:29)

Sorry

my phone died and I left it charging

I um

He woke up

And

He's nice ?

Is this about Cedric?

What? No

Percy's

I don't know

He lent me clothes?

I was wearing

THE TOGA

From the crew date

So embarrassing jfc

And he just

Gave me this like

Starched fucking shirt and

Chinos

And a belt

And he's

He's sweet and serious and old fashioned and like

He took me for brunch? Like who wakes up with a girl in their bed and is like

"Can I take you for brunch?"

That is so NICE

So this is about Harry?

Who?

No it's not

Okay I'm coming back

Can you like

Not be a dick about this?

Please?

I like him

Yeah

CHERCY IS MY NEW OTP

The formatting for this was a nightmare: please immediately give feedback if it doesn't make sense. Or if it does. Please show your support for rare pair trash.

Envy's birthday is later this week and this was the pairing I was supposed to drabble but like. It ran away with me. SO THIS HAPPENED.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ENVY THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO TBH.

PS thank you to Courbeau for checking this