Author's Note:

Thank you for taking the time to read this, an idea swimming in my head that refuses to leave. I hope you enjoy and if you do, please let me know. I'd love to continue but support always makes it easier.

Much love – Chemical Imbalance

Chapter 1: Crushing Weight

The call came at 12:42am.

"Donna's dead." The cold voice on the other end mumbled into the phone. Blinking again, I felt my heart stop and stutter as I struggled for air.

"What?" I whispered; a breathy exhale of my numb lungs.

"She was gunned down at a red light." The voice stated as though we were discussing the weather. I felt the burn of tears at my eyes and I felt my chest tighten even more. I couldn't fathom what was just said. I had to still be dreaming, this couldn't be reality. No one would kill my sister; no one would have a reason to. "You need to get to Charming." The voice stated once again. It was enough to snap me out of my inner monologue.

"Are you going too?" I asked; knowing the answer before the question even left my mouth. Of course, they wouldn't. They stopped caring a long time ago.

"No." I felt the rage build in me.

"What about the kids?"

"We'll send a card." I hung up quickly, afraid of what I would say. My sister's dead and our parents still wouldn't forgive her or me for that matter. My breathing became ragged as I quickly ripped the blankets off my bed and grabbed a duffel out of the hall closet. I threw whatever I could find into it. I had no idea how long I would be gone for but I knew that it didn't matter; Donna was dead, my sister, the other half of me. Breathing deep to stop the burn of the tears, I swallowed thickly trying to dislodge the lump that threatened to choke me. I faintly heard my phone buzz from the bed. Grabbing it; it was a text from my brother.

'If you need anything, just call.' My eyes closed in anger and my jaw set. He didn't seem to care anymore either. Swallowing the anger I grabbed my stuff and locked the door to my apartment. Gripping the heavy duffel, I shoved it into the back of the Jeep. The sky was dark but the city still awake and alive. I pulled my leather jacket on and started the Jeep. Pulling out of the parking lot, I watched San Diego disappear as I drove north into the desert. Every mile was hard; breathing was the only thing keeping me alive. My heart thumped but the beat was not my friend. My cell rang in the seat next to me. Gripping it tight in my hand, I answered.

"Hey."

"Sam…" The deep voice broke.

"I know. I'm on my way." The silence on the other end was broken by a loud exhale. I could feel him breaking and I knew that if I let it; it would break me in half. "I'm on my way Ope." I stated again; keeping the pain from lacing my voice was difficult.

"I'm not sure what to do." He stated and I felt another lump form in my throat; this one harder to move. I shook my head and bit my lip.

"I'm coming." Was all I could get out, I couldn't break. I could feel him nod through the phone and his heavy exhale was his reply.

"We're at the house." He stated before hanging up and I had to fight to control my breathing. I stepped harder on the gas and felt the vehicle respond. Charming was still hours away and I had time to control this; I wasn't going to break, I couldn't because if I did, I knew it wouldn't stop. Cranking the volume on the radio, I pushed all current thoughts out and focused on getting to my destination. Hours later, the sun still hadn't risen but the sky was becoming lighter. I was exhausted but I knew that there would be no time to rest. Watching as the sign for Charming comes into view; I steeled my nerves and took a deep breath. Pulling down their street was hard, parking across from the house was hard, pulling my body out of the Jeep was hard, and seeing Opie smoking on the steps of the house was the hardest. The lazy smoke curled around his large build as he watched me walk up. Rising to his feet looked difficult for him, we didn't say anything as he wrapped his arms around my much smaller frame. I in turn gripped him tighter, holding the large man to me, trying to take some of his pain. I'm not sure how long we stood there but we only released when the front door opened and Ellie poked her head out. Looking over, I knew she had been crying. Her pale face was red and streaked. Letting go of Opie, I gripped the little girl in my arms and held her as more tears sprang into her eyes. Looking back at Opie, I saw him sitting once again, lighting another cigarette. I walked into the house with Ellie still wrapped around me. I led her to the kitchen, trying not to take the house in, trying to not let her ghost break me down. I sat Ellie down at the table and went to fridge. I opened it and took stock of what was there.

"Auntie Sam?" Ellie's small voice asked.

I turned back to her, closing the refrigerator door after I grabbed the milk. Pancakes seemed to be the only thing I could do right now. I needed to task myself with making breakfast for the kids only so that the depression didn't set in and I wouldn't spiral out.

"Yeah baby?" I looked at her now. There was so much of Donna in her; I had hard time breathing for a second.

"What do I do?" She asked, the tears welling up again. I stalked over to her quickly and grabbed her into my arms. Her face pressed into my neck and I felt the hot tears soak in. Biting my lip hard, the pain stopping me from breaking apart myself, I held her as she sobbed. I sat back on the floor as she crawled into my lap and all I could do was let her cry and grip me as tightly as she needed. Opie entered the house then and saw me sitting there. His face was drawn tight as he walked over to me. Grabbing his young daughter, he pulled her up and into his arms. Lending me a hand, I pulled myself up and held his much larger hand in my own for a minute before squeezing it and smoothing Ellie's dark blonde hair down. I turned and went back to breakfast.

Opie POV:

When I saw her pull up, I felt like I could breathe again even if it was for only a second. Sam had a way of doing that, making it seem easier. I watched her drop out of the monstrous Jeep she never seemed to get rid of. I noticed her hair had grown out, the same color as Donna's but curlier, she had it pulled up. She looked so much like Donna, the only major difference was her eyes; a warm gray compared to Donna's warm brown. Walking up to me she gripped me to her, squeezing me much tighter than I thought possible. I still dwarfed her but I couldn't manage to hold her as tight as she held me. When Ellie poked her head out of the door, Sam let me go and grabbed Ellie to her. I felt dead inside but knowing that Sam was here brought the tiniest bit of relief. I trusted no one more when it comes to my kids. I sat back down and lit another cig. The nicotine flooding my system was the only comfort I had at this time and it seemed to war with my own guilt and grief. Hearing Ellie sob from inside the house, I stood and threw the cigarette down. Steeling myself for what I would find, I entered and saw my daughter wrapped around my sister-in-law. Meeting her eyes, I saw her trying to hold it together. I walked up and took Ellie from her and helped her stand. She turned and went back to the cupboards, grabbing items for pancakes. I couldn't help but feel better. Donna always said that having Sam around made it easier to breathe; I now understood what she meant.

Sam POV:

Opie had disappeared a little over 30 minutes ago and I knew he was trying to give me space. I think we all need space. I moved methodically around the kitchen, trying not to look past the general items occupying the space. I didn't want to see her coffee mug still sitting on the counter, the '#1 Mom' mocked me every time I focused in on it. Turning back to the stove, I flipped the pancakes and waited for them to brown. Looking to my right, I caught the time on the clock; 7:36am. I sighed and took the pancakes off the pan and added them to the ever growing pile. I jumped when a voice ripped open the silence.

"How many of those are you going to make?" I looked to the right of me and saw Opie's father standing by the front door. I looked down and saw that I had indeed made a huge amount. Blushing slightly, I shook my head and sent him a small smile. "Nah, don't worry sweetheart, I can imagine that you're not in the right head space." I smiled again and turned the stove off. Hearing him shuffle towards me, I turned and folded into his arms. Piney and I were always on good terms, a better father than my own, I smiled as I breathed him in. Smoke and gasoline. Kissing the top of my head, he stepped back and looked me in the eye. "I'm sorry sweetheart." My face crumbling, tears slipped down my face as I buried myself into his chest once more. Holding me and rubbing my back slowly, I desperately tried to contain myself once more as I heard noise from down the hall. The kids were coming and I wasn't going to upset them further. Taking a deep breath, I stepped back and quickly wiped my face as Kenny and Ellie came into view. Piney gripped my shoulder, squeezed and then released as he turned to his own son.

"Auntie Sammy! You're here!" Kenny yelled as he ran to me. Scooping him up, I hugged him to me and felt him return it. Pulling back, he kissed my cheek. "AND you made pancakes!" He smiled at me. It was then that I knew he didn't get it. He didn't realize that his mother was dead and never coming back. I nodded and blew a raspberry on his cheek as he giggled and fought to get down.

"Go wash up and then come eat." I told him and Ellie as I let him down. Kenny turned and ran down the hall and I could hear him turn the water on in the bathroom singing "Pancakes!" to himself. I smiled sadly as Ellie turned and followed. I looked up and made eye contact with Piney once again as he turned and faced his son.

"Little bird here made enough pancakes for an army." Piney stated trying to lighten the mood. Opie only nodded and then sent me a small smile of thanks as his kids came back down the hall. I got back to work, getting the breakfast ready for the kids as Opie and Piney slipped out the front door. I smiled as Kenny giggled into his pancakes and I listened as he told me all about what he was doing. Ellie was quiet at first but then opened up a bit and I pulled a face at her and she smiled slightly. I'm not sure how long we sat there but I knew the pancakes had long gone cold and my exhaustion was quickly catching up with me. I looked to the clock and saw that it was almost ten in the morning. I needed to get moving otherwise the grief would consume me. Getting up, I cleaned up breakfast as the kids ran off to play outside. The sun was bright and I could feel the California heat through the open window in the kitchen. I cleaned the rest of the kitchen, her mug being the first to be put away; out of sight, so I didn't cry again. Hearing roars of motorcycles coming down the street, I locked my bleeding heart away and took a deep breath. Looking out the living room window, I saw four additional riders park their bikes and head towards Opie and Piney. Hugs were given in greeting and small talk exchanged before Kenny ripped around the front of the house and jumped on one of the bikers. The kuttes on their backs weren't foreign to me and I remembered all of their names easily despite my long absence. Ellie walked around the side of the house and hugged one of bikers; Chibbs, if I was right.

I wasn't sure when it happened but I remember watching Ellie's shoulders start to shake and before I knew it, I exited the front door and felt the bright sun bite my skin. It felt like I was moving in slow motion; I saw Piney turn towards me and then it seemed that one by one, each of the men turned to me as I advanced on Ellie. Kneeling down and gripping the girl to me, I watched as her face fell and the tears stream down her face. Standing with her in my arms despite the strain of her weight, I lifted her effortlessly. My eyes rising to meet Jax Teller's, I felt my heart splutter and seem to stop. It had a funny way of doing that around him. Biting my lip, I turned on my heel and brought the still sobbing girl into the house, feeling his eyes burn holes into my back. I couldn't handle that right now. My focus completely on holding my breaking family together and not on my own past. Ellie quieted quickly after I got her into the house and sat on the stiff couch, I think she was exhausting herself to the point of no more tears. Feeling her warm breath slow against my neck, I knew she fell asleep. Closing my eyes and leaning my own head back against the back of the couch, I fell into my own exhaustion.

When I awoke, Ellie was no longer in my arms and a blanket had been thrown over me. The clock told me I had only been out for an hour. I felt my own grief smash against the box I locked it into when my eyes connected to a photo on the wall of Donna and I on my 21st birthday. Standing and walking up to it, I notice how young we both are but then the SAMCRO sign behind us draws my attention; I exhale slowly as I remember in vivid detail what had happened that night. I swallow thickly as my eyes snap back to Donna's and my chin trembles as I feel a wave of emotion slide over me. Throwing my gaze away, I see someone standing behind me. I knew it was him from the moment I felt his gaze land on me.

"Haven't seen you in a while." I turn to take him in. Jax Teller would always be handsome to me, would always have a hold over me that I couldn't quite shake off. He stood there, leg's slightly apart, hands in his pockets, head tilted and the same kutte on his back.

"I've been busy." I exhaled my reply.

"I really wish it wasn't under these circumstances." He states before stepping forward. I realized quickly then what this was. He was testing me, pushing the boundaries we both placed between us. Tearing my eyes from his, I nodded in understanding. Stepping towards him with the full intent of giving him a wide berth, he surprised me by stepping into my path. Stopping short, I had to look up at him. His head tilted to the side and I felt as though I were under a microscope. I took that second to look at him too. His hair was still long and blonde, the slight growth on his face and jaw making him look older. I saw weariness in his stance and in his eyes. I knew it for what it was, the life he leads is a heavy one. Lost in my own thoughts, I slightly jumped when his fingers slid across my jaw before his thumb slid over my chin. Suddenly I felt as though I couldn't breathe the room compressing until all I could do was jump back and slide out of his way. Before I could make my escape, Opie came in through the front door and his eyes locked onto mine.

"I hate to ask you to do this but I just can't." His voice cut sharply as grief tore into him. "Can you make arrangements; I just don't know how to do this, any of this." Weariness slid into his eyes and his shoulders slumped in admission. Shaking his head he locked eyes with me again.

Not trusting my own voice all I could do was nod my head yes. This was excruciating, I felt like I couldn't breathe again but seeing lightness take over my brother's face, I couldn't stop myself. He smiled at me before grabbing me to him again and as I sunk into him once again, numbness took over. Releasing me, I stepped around him and grabbed my purse and keys before leaving the house without another word. The only way I was going to do this is if I cut myself off; lock my sister in a tight box in the back of my mind and not open it.