Warning: To avoid injury or loss, keep this archaeologist away from dangerous offworld locations.
HOW TO SAVE DANIEL'S ASS – VALA STYLE
"Dagnabit, he's done it again," Cameron muttered.
"What?" His second-in-command, Lt. Lukas, asked.
"Jackson's lost."
"Yeah, so what's new?" His new Lt. had only been on the job with SG-1 for about three months. Yet already, he was wise to the natural course of events by now. First, SG-1 would visit an ally offworld. That ally would send them in the direction of another potential ally on some other planet. The new world would either be: a) a hostile environment devoid of life, b) a hostile environment filled with hostile natives, or c) a trap. Of course, in all cases, Daniel is somehow lost, captured, or otherwise kidnapped despite the SGC's efforts to avoid trouble with a MALP and carefully laid out procedure. Thus, Lukas was not surprised by his commanding officer's latest revelation as they studied a dying campfire offworld.
"How many lives does that cat have?" Mitchell wondered, waving a stick around.
"Does it matter? He's already died a couple of times and come back."
Mitchell pointed the stick at Lukas. "You, my friend, have a point."
"Poor Vala. She just started her vacation, too."
"Oh I'm sure she's bored to death on Earth, just waiting for something like this to happen."
"You would think they'd let her off world for her vacation. She is an alien, after all."
"They did," Mitchell said nonchalantly.
Lukas, a bulky male with bushy blonde hair, raised his eyebrows. "Then why…"
"Jackson wouldn't let her off world."
"Oh." The new Lt. still had trouble understanding the nature of Daniel and Vala's relationship. Sometimes they would flirt. Sometimes they would bicker. Other times, they engaged in some sort of strange platonic relationship, not at all normal yet still somehow borderline sane. When he asked his commanding officer about it, he was ordered to drop the subject immediately. So he tried asking Vala, who seemed a little more approachable concerning the topic, but he had even less luck there. She flipped her hair and claimed she had no idea what he was talking about. The look on her face told him she would break him with her pinky finger at any further comment.
The sound of boots approaching caused the pair to jump. Mitchell dropped the stick and raised his weapon toward the sound. Lukas kicked dirt onto the fire to smother it. As soon as he was done, the pair broke off into a run toward the gate.
They had no trouble getting home and telling Vala all about it. She must have had a feeling because she was already dressed up in one of her black leather outfits. She loaded her trench coat with ammunition and weapons and left Earth within half an hour. Being on vacation and free to go as she pleased, General Landry didn't even know about anything until she was long gone. And when he found out, he just shrugged and said, "We'll give her 48 hours."
If that was good enough for Landry, then that was good enough for Mitchell, who went home. Lukas found all this just a little bit ridiculous and a lot entertaining. He never knew that being a member of SG-1 was so darn interesting. He made a point to study Vala Mal Doran and learn all he could from the great master saviour.
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STEP 1: LET YOURSELF GET CAUGHT BY THE ENEMY
Two men, clad in gray uniforms, hauled in a new arrival. Daniel could just barely make out the long black tresses that ran down the shapely body of a woman. His glasses had been knocked off and crushed some time ago. He'd been stunned and electrocuted enough that he was sure his subcutaneous transmitter had been disabled. He'd already lost track of time. As he knelt there in front of some old Goa'uld throne chair, he sighed inwardly in relief that Vala was finally here. The smallish man who currently occupied the throne, definitely NOT a Goa'uld, smirked at the female.
"Flying into our territory. Shooting at one of our vessels. You must be stupid." Had Teal'c been present, he would have scoffed at the very unoriginal remarks of the leader in charge.
Unphased, Vala stood straight up and faced her new captor. She wriggled out of the men's grasp, but they seemed unconcerned. Never underestimate a Mal Doran, Daniel thought. "I was minding my own business when your people approached me. I meant no harm; just trying to pass through."
The man, also in a gray uniform, caressed the red sash draped over his chest while glaring at Vala. It reminded Daniel more of a pageant queen sash than that of a warrior. He had dark, short-cropped hair and a crooked nose. One eye appeared to be smaller than the other. Bound and gagged, the archaeologist struggled to look somewhat fearful. But with Vala in the room, taking any of his captors seriously was difficult.
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STEP 2: MAKE THE ENEMY THINK DANIEL'S WORTH MORE THAN YOU
After considering her words, the leader ignored them. "Throw her in the dungeon until we can find a suitable buyer for her." It was at that point that Vala realized his main purpose in life – slave trading. She decided to take advantage of this insight.
"You're making a mistake. I'm no slave," she tried to say in a diplomatic, but slightly shaky tone.
The small leader rose from his throne and approached Vala. He pinched her sides, held her chin in one hand, and examined her assets thoroughly. Daniel had to admit, the black leather outfit she chose today was especially useful for showing off. "I make no mistakes, woman. You will fetch a good price."
The two men who brought her in grabbed her arms again. They lifted her up easily.
Feet dangling, Vala began to beg. "Wait! I can offer you riches. What is it that you want? I can get it for you!"
The leader snickered. "I doubt that you can obtain what I seek. Unless a shiny new ship is hiding somewhere in that tight bodice of yours." He began to laugh, his henchmen following suit.
Now Vala couldn't help but smile. Her expression transformed into a seductive grin that belied her intention to swindle. Daniel knew that look. He already felt sorry for the slave trader. "Perhaps you should search me a little more closely." There was a distinct purr to her voice.
This caused the leader to stop laughing. A sneer that Daniel didn't like very much crossed his face. He chuckled darkly. "If you insist…" He took steps closer and the men released her. Daniel cheered within his mind. Hit him. Jack him. Sideswipe him… But much to Daniel's dismay, Vala let the man touch her.
As he began to nuzzle her neck with his mouth, unconcerned with an audience in the room, Vala turned her head. She pretended to notice Daniel for the very first time. Immediately, her hands pushed the leader back a few inches. "Is that what I think it is?" she said with as much surprise in her voice.
The small man turned his attention to Daniel. "This? Just a trespasser that shall be dealt with… once I am done with you." He tightened his grip on her hips and leaned forward.
Vala ignored him. "The clothing. Look at his clothing! Don't you see?"
The leader sighed and took another glance at Daniel.
"This is not just any man. This is a Tau'ri!"
"And what does that matter to me?" the leader questioned, bored.
"Allow me to educate you. The Tau'ri are the ones who defeated the Goa'uld. The Tau'ri are the ones who are sabotaging the Lucian Alliance's cargo ships. Therefore," Vala paused for dramatic effect and raised her finger, "The Tau'ri are wanted by every bounty hunter in three sectors!" She concluded by pointing directly at Daniel. "You want to fetch a good price? Sell him."
Daniel's eyes widened. Whether that was for dramatic effect or genuine surprise, one couldn't quite tell.
The leader seemed to consider Daniel a little more closely now. "How did you come across such information, woman?" He sounded suspicious. Daniel was a little insulted that the man had never heard of his people. After all we've done for this galaxy.
"Everyone knows of a people who rose up against the great Goa'uld and brought them down. Maybe you don't know the name… but you do know the story." She gestured to the muscled brutes behind her. "I should think warriors like them would know the tales."
One of the henchmen brightened. "I have heard of a people that brought great weapons none had ever seen before and destroyed whole ships! The Goa'uld were powerless against such force."
The other one chimed in. "They are fierce fighters that can snap men's necks with a single blow. They defeated a battalion of Jaffa in such a manner in one day."
Vala began ticking off the many feats of Daniel's people on her fingers. The henchmen continued. "The same people escaped the clutches of Sokar and his infamous prison world."
"They are fearless in the face of death."
"They destroyed a star!" Oooh. Sam will love that one.
Vala had to wave her hands at the men, who were overexcited by their exaltations. "Ahh. No need to bore your leader with stories he surely must have already heard."
Everyone's eyes turned to the short man in a red sash. He blinked. "Uhh… of course! You waste my time with old stories. It is time to bring our attention to the present."
Vala snuck up behind him and whispered into his ear. "Bounty hunters are crawling all over each other just to get their hands on someone like him. Get his name and rank. He'll be worth even more if you know who he is." Without their captors' notice, Vala winked at Daniel.
One of the brutes pulled the gag down from Daniel's mouth. He spit out fibers and glared at everyone defiantly.
"What is your name, Tau'ri?"
"I will not be sold to a bounty hunter," Daniel replied with a dark tone.
The leader punched him in the jaw. Truth be told, the hit didn't even phase the archaeologist, but he pretended it did anyway. Daniel let himself rock back onto his bottom. "You WILL tell me your identity!"
Vala stepped forward. "I suggest you do as he says if you want to return home in one piece."
"Yes, tell me your name!"
Daniel looked back and forth between the small leader and Vala. His eyes shone defiance laced with fear when he stared at the leader. Then they conveyed an expression of 'who is this idiot?' to Vala. She made no move to acknowledge him.
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STEP 3: NEGOTIATE YOUR OWN RELEASE
After acting out a long moment's hesitation, Daniel finally said, "I will tell you who I am on one condition."
By now the leader was hanging on Vala's every word. So he glanced at her for approval and she nodded. "What condition?"
"That you promise NOT to sell me to Cam Mitchell, Bounty Hunter."
The leader smirked. "Agreed."
Daniel sighed dramatically. "I am Lt. Yarfus, second in command of SG-14. Tau'ri defense force." Vala's eye twitched.
The leader began to laugh. His henchmen took the cue and joined in. "Send my regards to this Cam Mitchell, Bounty Hunter." He continued to laugh. Vala just smiled along with them.
Daniel looked at the group funny. "You don't even know how to find him," he muttered.
The men stopped laughing. The leader scrunched his face, suddenly deep in thought.
It was another moment before he turned to Vala. "Do you know of this bounty hunter he fears so much?"
Vala pretended to think about it. "Perhaps. I believe the name sounds familiar." She stroked the small leader's chin lightly. "What is it worth to you?" she said seductively.
"If you can successfully put me in contact with this notorious bounty hunter and your claims about the Tau'ri ring true, then I will offer you your freedom."
Vala turned on a megawatt grin. "Then I know exactly how to find him."
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STEP 4: ACT AS A MEDIARY BETWEEN THE ENEMY AND CAM THE NOTORIOUS BOUNTY HUNTER
A few hours later, Vala had sent a message out to some Jaffa she knew. They then passed the word along to Teal'c, who contacted the SGC. Once Mitchell heard that he was being called upon as 'Cam the Notorious Bounty Hunter,' he could smell Daniel and Vala all over it. He just shook his head and chuckled as he changed into appropriate attire for the occasion.
Soon after, the leader received a reply. They were to meet in neutral territory. A planet accessible only by ship and with no local settlements. He agreed to this readily. The men handled their prize prisoner roughly and shoved him through the airlock of a small cargo ship. Vala followed at a leisurely pace, with a pistol to her back held by the small leader.
Daniel struggled with his bindings and mumbled through his gag the entire trip. One of the henchmen yelled at him to shut up and smacked him upside the head. But Daniel didn't stop. Vala ignored him, choosing instead to educate the leader about the great catches of Cam Mitchell. Naturally, none of the targets were real, but that didn't matter as long as the leader believed her every word. She even threw in a bit of truth, detailing the capture of a man and woman team on the run from the Lucian Alliance.
When they finally landed on the planet, Vala suggested, "Perhaps you should let me introduce you. It will make you look more powerful."
The leader, standing straight and looking proud, said, "I don't need your help to look powerful. But I will allow you to do so if it pleases you."
Vala made a small bow with her head. "Oh, it does."
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STEP 5: PRETEND TO SEXUALLY HARRASS DANIEL WHILE SECRETLY SLIPPING A SUBSPACE TRACKING DEVICE ONTO HIS PERSON
As the men prepared to open the hatch to the planet's surface, Daniel was shoved forward. Hands tied behind his back, he stumbled. One of the henchmen had to right him. Vala tsked. She dared to get close to him. "Such a pity. You really are a fine specimen of a man," she said in a sultry tone. Meanwhile, she stroked her finger down the exposed portion of his chest. Gripping his collar, she leaned her face closer to his. Daniel remained still the entire time.
"This merchandise is not yours to handle." The leader gripped her wrists and pulled her away.
The door opened and Vala was led out of the ship. Daniel glanced down. While he couldn't exactly see it, he had a feeling Vala had attached a pea-size subspace tracking device to his collar. A hint of a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. It transformed quickly into a frown as soon as one of the brutes looked at him.
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STEP 6: LET CAM PRETEND THAT BOTH YOU AND DANIEL ARE WORTH A LOT OF MONEY. GET TAKEN AWAY.
"Well, well, well," Cam taunted. "If it isn't good old Lt. Yarfus, second in command of SG-14 of the Tau'ri defense force!" He whistled. "What a prize you got here."
The leader, now looking very smug, replied condescendingly, "How fortunate you are to cross paths with me." He gestured for Daniel to be brought forward. "If you know his identity then you know he is worth a fair amount. I demand three cases of naquedah – weapons grade."
Cam chuckled. "One case of naquedah, and a cache of weapons."
"Two cases of naquedah, and a cache of weapons."
"Is this deal only for the fellow, there?" Cam pointed at Daniel.
The leader nodded in affirmative.
"I'll give you five cases of naquedah and a cache of weapons if you throw in the girl."
The leader looked at Vala, who immediately began to shake her head 'no'. He eyed her. She seemed to be showing genuine fear, and after all the fantastic stories she told about Cam the Notorious Bounty Hunter, she should be scared. He began to laugh. "Sold!"
"What! We had an agreement!" she shouted indignantly.
"Unfortunately for you, a better deal came along." He motioned for both of the prisoners to be pushed forward. Meanwhile Cam had instructed his own henchmen to bring forth five cases and a box. His followers, Lt. Lukas and Teal'c, put up the pretense that the cases and box were extremely heavy.
The small man began to rub his hands together. His own men opened each box and peered inside. They nodded to their leader that everything was present as agreed upon. "Let us make the exchange then."
Simultaneously, Daniel and Vala were pushed forward while the brutes in gray uniforms guarded the cases. Cam placed forceful hands on the backs of their necks and sneered at the both of them. He and his men backed up slowly, with Daniel and Vala in tow. Behind them, the hatch to their cargo ship opened.
The small man made a satisfied nod. "I should seek your services in the future, bounty hunter. Do not forget this very fortunate bargain!" he called out.
"Oh I will…" Mitchell began.
In bright flashes of white light, the entire group disappeared.
The three remaining men in gray, one with a red sash, gaped. The small leader rushed forward to open the box of weapons. As he attempted to grab at the contents, it flickered. He furrowed his brow. One of the men pointed at the cargo ship as it, too, flickered, then disappeared. When the trio looked back down, the box of weapons was empty. "No!" The leader ran to a different case and opened it, only to find it also empty.
"They double-crossed us!" he screamed in outrage.
He would have continued if a humming sound had not surprised them from behind. As the trio watched open-mouthed, their cargo ship began to lift off the ground and fly away.
All of them screamed bloody murder.
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STEP 7: REVEL IN YOUR VICTORY
The white light of transport dissipated, revealing SG-1 on the bridge of Sam's ship. She smiled, especially at Daniel. "What number is this?"
Vala stepped forward with a grin. "Fourteen!"
Daniel grumbled through his gag. Cam just clapped him on the back and left the bridge. Teal'c followed. Lt. Lukas was about to stay and listen to the conversation when Teal'c returned to pull him off the bridge.
Vala didn't even notice. She put a finger to her chin. "Mmm, fifteen if you count the time I got him away from those rabid leeches on PX1-826."
Sam seemed to think about it. "What about P4X-354?"
"The Amazon lady planet? Well, maybe. But I don't think Daniel actually wanted to be rescued from that one. Not that I blame him. Those women were…" she giggled with a glint in her eye, "if I were a man, then I would…"
Daniel attempted to shout through his gag.
"What was that, darling?"
He mumbled again. His eyes were narrowed.
"I think he wants you to remove the… uhh…" Sam gestured toward her mouth to indicate the gag.
"Oh! Right. Silly me. I always forget this part."
Cloth now removed, Daniel spat out more fibers. He turned around so Vala could untie the bindings on his wrists. She made quick work of it, then handed the rope off to one of Sam's subordinates. The subordinate looked at it funny, then walked away to discard it.
Daniel turned back around to face his rescuers with a frown. "First of all, I say it was only thirteen times." He glared at both Vala and Sam. "And second… thanks for the help."
"Oh Daniel it was nothing, really. That was the stupidest group of kidnappers we've encountered yet," Vala replied nonchalantly.
"Yeah, they were pretty pathetic," he agreed.
Vala coughed. "So how did you get caught by them, again?"
Daniel blinked.
His expression remained blank. Instead of answering, he simply left the bridge. Sam and Vala shared a look and smirked.
A/N: One of my silliest yet. Maybe they should put this on eHow! Thanks for reading and feel free to let me know what you think!