Secret Misery

Everyone thinks that I'm always the optimistic, always the one you can talk to. But I'm not. Sometimes after a battle I'll go to my room with the excuse that the battle exhausted me. The others don't mind, they think it's more physically stressful for me having not shared the same training they went through. I'll go up there and sit on my bed, shaking like crazy. Tears will sting my eyes as I realization of what I've done and images from my imagination of the people I killed come to haunt me.

My imagination, uncontrollable and inescapable. I'll lay down and squeeze my eyes shut hoping the images will go away. I beg them to go away, but it seems I drown in them. Drown in my secret misery.

We all hate what we're doing. Or do we? Do I only speak for myself when I say that? I feel like I don't know these people who surround me and I trust my life with. Partially that's true. But I have faith in them. But do I really? Is it a false faith I have? Something which I pretend to believe?

I tell the guys everything's going to be all right and everything will work out in the end. I tell them we'll pull though. But inside I'm drowning in the misery and despair. I'm fighting two battles. One that the world weighs heavy on my shoulders and one where my soul is ripped and torn, where fatal graphic images haunt me, and a falseness clouds me.

In this day and age I could easily mistake reality for a dream and a dream as reality. Am I delusional? I can't even tell anymore. I can't say that I don't care because I do. And I don't think suicide would do anything except cause more sorrow and grief. The world is already filled with enough of that. I don't want to add to it.

So I trudge on. I keep expressing false hope and words of encouragement with an emotional mask. And everyone is fooled; even I am fooled by myself sometimes. Duo says it gets easier to go into battle and think of all the bad stuff that has happened to you, but what if nothing really bad has happened to you? Wufei said to fight for justification, but sometimes I have trouble defining my own sense of justice. Heero told me to act upon my own emotions. A practical piece of advise, but it's hard to go by when you're not sure if your emotions at that moment will clash with the ones you know you'll have later on. Trowa stated plainly to do what I think is right.

And I guess I am doing what I think is right. Most of the time however, I don't think anything is right. What I am doing is morally wrong, it goes against everything I believed in. Now I don't know what to believe in. I feel like I am all alone. Like a ghost lost deep within the shadows. A being which has lost it's way.

Once I believed I could change the world without anyone else. I believed I could rid the world of madness. The thing is, I was the one who went mad. I felt so angry and so helpless that I had to take on an alter ego to hide my own insecurities. And it's because of that I turned violent and alienated myself from others. Completely and utterly alone. No one was going to change my mind. Not one person.

It turns out that someone did. That someone was me. And I left myself to drown in my secret misery.