A/N WOOO TRAGIC KLAINE ONESHOT :D Tis my favourite kind. Longest one shot I've ever written. Enjoy
Warnings: breakups, suicide, lots and lots of lovely angst
Disclaimer: nothing but the plot is mine. Kurt, Blaine, the New Directions, some of the Warblers (read: Wes and David), Burt and Carole, Mr Shue and Sue Sylvester belong to Glee and Ryan Murphy, the OC's belong to the fantastic CP Coulter. I just love them and had to include them.
The songs also don't belong to me. They are 'The Last Song I'm Wasting On You', 'Lithium', 'Never Go Back' and 'Forgive Me' and they all belong to the fantastic Evanescence whose music I use far too much for depressing oneshots :D ENJOY MES AMIS
Kurt sat on the closed lid of his toilet sobbing his heart out. Blaine, the one person who he thought would never hurt him, would never cause him to feel this way, had just dumped him. Dumped. He hadn't even given Kurt a proper reason as to why he was, just mumbled something about his dad. Kurt screamed in frustration. Screw Blaine's dad! Mr Anderson would never come to accept his son and it broke Kurt just to see him hurt his son in that way. And now Kurt had been dumped because of him.
Blaine hadn't even given him the usual 'let's still be friends' line. He'd simply told Kurt he no longer loved him, muttered something about his dad and left the choir room at Dalton, tossing the parting line over his shoulder.
"I know we're both at Dalton and in the Warblers so it'll be hard to completely avoid each other, but I don't want to talk to you anymore or see you more than I have to. I'm sorry Kurt" and then Blaine had left without so much as a backwards glance. That last line had hurt Kurt more than anything else. They had been such good friends before becoming more, and it hurt Kurt that Blaine didn't even want that anymore.
Kurt knew Blaine meant every word of what he'd said as well. It had been completely apparent in the boys hazel eyes. And it stung. Kurt knew he was a diva who could over react, but that had stung. It was why he was now sat in his and Reed's shared bathroom, staring at the razor blade in his hand, contemplating ending it all.
A life without Blaine, without the guy he'd given everything to, wasn't a life at all in Kurt's eyes. It would be easier just to end his life. That way he wouldn't have to live without Blaine and Blaine wouldn't have to deal with seeing Kurt every day. Of course, it would probably hurt his friends in Windsor and the Warblers, but they'd get over it. They'd probably be with Blaine most days anyway, and if they were with Blaine, Kurt couldn't be with them. He didn't want to make it any harder on Blaine.
So Kurt knew this was the best way out. But before he did it, he'd found the perfect song to sing. His last song. It was scary, but it was also necessary. Kurt took a deep breath, opened his mouth and let his high, pure countertenor voice fill the room for the last time, razor blade poised for the end of the song.
"Sparkling grey
They're my own veins
Anymore than a whisper
Any sudden movement of my heart
And I know, I know I'll have to watch them pass away
Just get through this day
Give up your way, you could be anything
Give up my way and lose myself, not today
That's too much guilt to pay
Sickened in the sun
You dare tell me you love me
But you held me down and screamed you wanted me to die
Honey you know, you know I'd never hurt you that way
You're just so pretty in your pain
Give up my way and I could be anything
I'll make my own way
Without your senseless hate….hate…hate…hate
So run, run, run
And hate me if it feels good
I can't hear your screams anymore
You lied to me
But I'm older now
And I'm not buying baby
Demanding my response
Don't bother breaking the door down
I found my way out
And you'll never hurt me again"
Kurt let the last line of the song reverberate through the room.
"I'll always love you Blaine" he cried to the open room, letting every last bit of pain he felt into that one cry, and then bought the blade down first onto one wrist and then the other, slashing and slashing, reveling in the vivid red of his life blood and the pain it bought. The pain was good. The pain meant he could leave, let Blaine live the live he wanted. As Kurt felt his world turn black and numb he whispered two words. Two simple, heartbreaking words.
"I'm sorry"
Reed stood outside the door to his and Kurt's bathroom, panicking slightly. He didn't know what had happened. All he knew that Kurt had come back from seeing Blaine in tears and he'd just breezed past Reed, headed into the bathroom and locked the door. Reed had tried to get the older boy to respond to him but to no avail. And since Kurt had sung that song and cried out that he'd always love Blaine, Reed had become even more scared. Especially since now there was no sound in the bathroom.
Reed began to bang on the door and shouted for Kurt to open up, his voice becoming more and more frantic. When there was still no response, he decided there was only one thing for it: he had to find Blaine and find out what exactly had gone on.
"Guys, I'm so stupid" Blaine moaned into Wes' shoulder, who patted Blaine's back soothingly.
"Why did you do it in the first place Blaine?" asked a rather shocked David.
"I don't know. Mainly because my father scares me and I don't want him to hurt Kurt" Blaine replied, the guilt apparent in his voice. The other Windsors in the common room sighed. They all knew what Blaine's dad was like.
"Well stop being ridiculous Blaine. None of us can cope if you make another playlist for Kurt and play it non stop, so go up there and explain to him why you did what you did. If you're lucky, he'll take you back" Charlie said sensibly. Blaine slowly nodded.
"Cheers Chaz. I think I will" he said with some conviction.
"YEAH, that's our Blaine" cheered the Tweedles. Blaine stood up.
"No time like the present" he said as he unsteadily made his way over to the door.
"We're right behind you Blaine" David told him, his voice suspiciously close. Blaine stopped, turned round and nearly screamed. They literally were right behind him, Wes and David almost nose to nose with him, the other Windsors crowding round.
"We told you" crowed Evan.
"Listen to us next time White Rabbit" Ethan laughed. Blaine just groaned and turned back to the door. But before he could open it, a flustered Reed had flung it open and tripped into Blaine's arms. Blaine carefully set the accident prone boy back on his feet. Reed just stared at him in shock.
"Reed, what's wrong?" asked Blaine.
"It's Kurt" Reed said breathlessly. Blaine's blood immediately ran cold.
"What about Kurt?" he asked urgently.
"Well, he ran into the bathroom crying. And then he cried for ages, then he sang a really sad song then he cried that he'd always love you. And now I can't hear anything" Reed choked out through the tears threatening to overcome him. Blaine just stared at the small boy, powerless to move.
"Go Blaine. Go find out what's wrong. We'll come with you" came the sensible, strong voice of Charlie.
"Okay" Blaine whispered, then finding his feet, tore out the room, up the stairs and into Reed and Kurt's room before the rest of the Windsors had even realized what had happened. Quickly gathering their wits, they followed after the boy and once in Kurts room, found themselves facing the smaller boy banging on the door to no avail. He swung round on them, hazel eyes blazing.
"Guys, he's locked his door" Blaine cried, desperation apparent in his voice. Ethan and Evan immediately stepped forward, brandishing several sharp looking items.
"Let us" Ethan said simply.
"We'll get you to your Alice" Evan added and both boys set to work. Blaine stepped back, tears falling down his face. Wes and David looked at each other with an understanding gaze and nodded. They both stepped forwards and wrapped their arms around their best friend.
"Calm Blaine" Wes soothed.
"Getting yourself into a state isn't going to help Kurt" David added in a soft voice. Blaine froze, nodded and then let himself relax into his friends embrace.
"You're right guys. Thank you" he told them, voice full of gratitude. Just then, the Brightman twins crowed.
"We've done it" they cheered and everyone stepped back from the door again, clearing the way for Blaine. Wes and David gave the smaller boy one last comforting squeeze and then let him go.
"You can do it, we'll wait outside here while you speak with Kurt" Wes told him and pushed Blaine forwards. Blaine stumbled, then found his feet again. Gazing at the door, the only barrier between him and Kurt, he steeled himself.
It was only a few steps from where Blaine was to the door, but it felt like it took a lifetime. When he was finally there, he took a deep breath.
"God, I hope Kurt hasn't done anything stupid" he heard Charlie murmur to someone, Justin most probably. I hope so too Chaz Blaine thought to himself, though he didn't voice it out loud. He took another deep breath, and pushed the door open.
When he first surveyed the scene in front of him, he didn't realize what had happened. The first thought that ran through his head was why is Kurt playing with tomato ketchup? Then it hit him. The reality of what had happened hit him with the force of a high speed train. Blaine fell to his knees and threw up what felt like the entire contents of his stomach. Then he screamed and crawled over to the body on the floor. Kurts body. Blaine wouldn't believe it. He couldn't believe it. But there Kurt was, lying in a pool of his own vivid scarlet blood, pale and lifeless. Blaine collapsed over him and cried for the boy he'd killed. Because he had killed him in a way. It was because Blaine had stupidly and thoughtlessly dumped the boy he loved, the boy he'd do anything for and told him that he never wanted to speak to him again. That was why Kurt was lying on the bathroom floor with slashed wrists. Blaine knew he'd never forgive himself, that he'd live with this guilt until the day he died and went to hell. There was no use even thinking he'd go to heaven. He'd caused the death of this pale, beautiful angel and he knew he'd never see him again, even in the afterlife. Someone as pure as Kurt was bound to go to heaven. Blaine was tainted now, tainted literally and figuratively with his boyfriends life blood.
When the Windsors outside the door heard Blaine scream, they were immediately worried. Charlie paled and turned towards Wes and David, who were stood there, holding each other in fright.
"Wes, David, do you two want to see what's wrong?" he asked shakily. They both nodded, not wanting to face whatever might be in the room but knowing that they had to, as Blaine's best friends. They slowly walked forwards towards the slightly open door. The Brightman twins, Reed, Dwight and Charlie were right behind, wanting to know what had happened to their Alice.
Wes and David were first to take in the horrific scene in front and immediately fell to their knees retching and clutching onto each other. Reed let out a horrified squeak and grabbed onto Charlie, starting to sob hard. Charlie held onto the small boy and tried to stall his own tears. Dwight's eyes widened and he ran out of the room, gabbling garbage. Drew and Satoru ran after him, trying to make sense of what the younger boy was mumbling about. Evan and Ethan felt tears start to drip down their own faces as they ran to Blaine and held the boy as they all cried over what had happened to Alice.
Eventually Charlie managed to pull himself back together and pried Reed away from his body. He then ran out of the room to phone an ambulance. Meanwhile, back in the bathroom Wes and David were coming to terms with what had happened. They carefully stood up and went over to where Evan, Ethan and Blaine were huddled over Kurts body.
"Blaine, c'mon, you've got to get up" Wes told his friend softly.
"The ambulance will be here soon, we'll have to get out of their way so they can…take…K-kur…the bod…do what they need to do" David added, his voice cracking, unable to form the words, not wanting to believe Kurt was actually dead. Blaine just screamed.
"NO, I can't leave him. That's what caused this in the first place. If I hadn't left him, he'd be fine. It's all my fault" Blaine cried into his boyfriends unmoving chest, his voice filled with raw emotion. Evan and Ethan wrapped their arms tighter around the breaking boy.
"We know it's hard Blaine" Evan started.
"But you're gonna have to let him go. Kurt's…Kurt's gone, he's not coming back" Ethan added.
"It's hard, we all want him back but he's gone. I'm sorry Blaine, but there's nothing we can do" Evan finished, his voice full of sorrow for his friend and grief for the lost Warbler. Blaine sobbed harder.
"You don't understand" he cried desperately. "This is all my fault. If I hadn't stupidly dumped him, we'd be watching a movie right now. He'd be okay. But he's not and it's my fault"
"It's not your fault Blaine. At the time, you thought it was the right thing to do. You didn't know it would end like this. You couldn't have possibly stopped it Blaine" David told the curly haired singer softly, trying to ease the pain.
"David's right Blaine. Kurt is – was – a diva. He was a fantastic person, but he was a diva. Anyone else would've probably been fine, but not Kurt" Wes added. Blaine glanced up at his friends, his hazel eyes wild and red, his cheeks stained with tears.
"But it is. I told Kurt I never wanted to see or speak to him again. I should've known he'd do something like this. He probably thought he was making it easier for me. But now he's gone and it's all my fault and I'll never ever see him again and it hurts so much" Blaine practically screamed at his friends. David knelt down next to his best friend and grabbed his chin, forcing him to look him in the eye. Blaine saw his own pain reflected there in the Warblers eyes.
"I know" David told his friend sincerely, looking into the other boys eyes intently. "I loved Katherine, but she left me. She's gone from this world and I'll never see her again. I know how you feel Blaine, but it does ease. I promise you, this pain will fade. You'll never forget Kurt, but it will get easier." The words meant to comfort just made Blaine cry harder.
"At least Katherine died knowing you loved her and you were with her until her final moments. Kurt died alone. Kurt killed himself thinking I hated him and didn't ever want to see him again. I'll never forgive myself for that. Kurt died unnecessarily and I can't ever forgive myself. He should still be alive." Just then, the paramedics burst into the room.
"Excuse me Sirs, but you'll have to vacate the room. I'm so sorry" one of them told the boys brusquely, but kindly. Evan and Ethan helped Wes and David removed Blaine from Kurt's body, then helped the broken Warbler out of the door and onto Kurt's bed. They sat down next to him to wait, each crying for their lost friend. Eventually a paramedic came out of the bathroom and over to the five boys. Charlie hastened over to the bed to hear the verdict. The woman gazed at them, sorrow in her gaze. The boy's all started to cry harder before she'd even spoken, each knowing what she'd say but at the same time not wanting her to say it.
"I'm so sorry boys. There was nothing we could do. He was dead before we even got here" she told them softly and then moved away again, leaving the Warblers in the room to grieve over the loss of the beautiful countertenor.
Blaine curled up on Kurt's bed, clutching his pillow, breathing in his scent, sobbing loud, heart wrenching sobs that racked his frame. Evan and Ethan fell to the floor in a tangle, wrapped around each other and crying together for the loss of their Alice. Wes and David sat on the bed next to Blaine, numbly staring at the ground, tears rolling unchecked down their cheeks. Reed collapsed onto his own bed and sobbed tears nearly as loud as Blaine's and just as heart breaking into his pillow. Charlie slid down the wall and rested his head on his knees, tears threatening to overflow as he thought about the Windsor who hadn't been there for too long but had already made such an impact on the boy's lives. Justin sat down next to him and put his arms around his friend. Dwight ran out of the room, not being able to take it any longer. Han crept into the room and collapsed with the Tweedles, not wanting to be alone any more. Even Drew and Satoru were holding each other in a corner of the room and crying.
None of the Windsor boys knew how long they stayed in Kurt's room for, just crying and holding each other, trying to find comfort from being in each other's presence. They saw the paramedics leave with a black body bag, but tried not to dwell on what was in it. They saw Mr Harvey and other Windsor students come and go, but none of them wanted to leave the room. It was almost as though if they left the room, reality would come crashing down on them and they'd realize just what had happened. They felt like as long as they were in Kurt's room, he could still come back.
Eventually, even Blaine's tears ran out and they all sat up from where they'd collapsed and looked round at each other, all eyes red and puffy. Wes and David moved closer to Blaine and put their arms around him. None of the others let each other go. None of them wanted to be alone. They sat there for another while, just gazing at each other and the room, each lost in their thoughts of Kurt. Soon Evan voiced the hardest.
"How are we going to tell the New Directions?" he asked hoarsely.
"And his dad?" Ethan voiced, his tone full of horror. All eyes widened. They all knew just how much Kurt meant to his dad, especially since his mom was dead. It was going to break him. They all knew he and the New Directions would never forgive the Warblers for Kurt's death. Hell, they'd never forgive themselves Dalton was meant to be a safe haven for Kurt, the last resort to get away from the bullying that had been plaguing his life at Mckinley. But it was Dalton that had caused Kurt's death.
FGFY FGFY FGFY FGFY
Blaine gazed in the mirror and sighed. He looked awful. His eyes were still red and puffy with huge black bags underneath them. His hair was a greasy, curly mess and his shirt was creased, his black bowtie wonky. It had been five days since Kurt had died. Five days since his entire world had been turned upside down and ruined. Five days of crying all the time and sleepless nights. Five days of sitting in the common room with the rest of the Warblers, all not believing what had happened and not wanting to be alone. Five days of people asking him if he was alright when he clearly wasn't. And now it was the funeral.
It was going to be awful. All the Warblers were going, plus Han, Dwight, Drew, Justin, Satoru and Charlie. They all knew the New Directions would be there as well. They hadn't spoken since that initial phonecall when they'd told them what had happened. It was horrible. At first they'd all not believed them, then they'd shouted, then they cried. The Warblers didn't even bother phoning Kurt's dad. They let his step-brother, Finn, tell him instead.
And now they'd have to face the New Directions and their director, as well as Burt and Carole Hudson-Hummel. Blaine banged his head on his vanity. It was going to be bad enough anyway. He had a speech written, and the Warblers were singing one last song for Kurt. They knew they New Directions would be as well. Blaine groaned again, and then jumped when his thoughts were interrupted by a knock on his door.
"It's time to go Blaine" came the listless voice of the normally lively David. Blaine slowly got up and moved to the door. He opened it and gazed at the cluster of Warblers and Windsors gathered outside. They all looked just as bad as Blaine, but still smiled weakly and encouragingly at the lead vocalist. He managed a small smile back.
"C'mon then" he said simply and found himself in the middle of them all. They went to the car park and split into various cars. Blaine found himself travelling with Reed, Evan, Ethan and Charlie in the Brightman twins car.
On the way they all talked about Kurt and exchanged memories of him and his time at Dalton. Blaine relished this. It felt good to be talking about Kurt and the good times they'd had of him. It was nice to remember him in a different way to constant crying.
But all too soon they arrived at the church where the funeral was being held. Blaine steeled himself, knowing he'd have to face Kurt's friends and his family. Reed squeezed his hand encouragingly.
"We'll all be there right beside you Blaine" the small boy told his friend. Blaine attempted a small smile back.
"Thank you Reed" he said sincerely and got out of the car. All the other Dalton students had already arrived and joined Blaine, Reed, Evan, Ethan and Charlie. They all looked at each other, then finding some inner strength, moved as one towards the church. Stood outside were the New Directions, Mr Schuester, Sue Sylvester and Burt and Carole Hudson-Hummel. Blaine stumbled when he saw them all. David caught him and set him back on his feet.
"You can do this" he whispered encouragingly to his friend. Blaine nodded and willed his feet to move forwards again. The various Dalton students behind him moved with him.
"Mr Hummel" Blaine began when they reached Kurt's dad. Burt interrupted him.
"Please Blaine, call me Burt" he said hoarsely.
"Okay. Well, erm Burt. I just wanted you to know I'm so sorry. I never meant for this to happen. I didn't want to leave Kurt but I thought I had to and then when we found him it just broke me. I'm so sorry" Burt was already shaking his head before Blaine had finished his speech.
"I know kid. I know. I saw it in your eyes when you visited how much you loved my son. You made him happy for the first time in a long while. I thank you for that Blaine" Burt told him sincerely.
"We don't blame you Blaine. We know you're hurting just as much as we are" Carole added. Blaine couldn't take anymore and felt tears begin to fall. Burt and Carole saw them, and gathered the short teen into an embrace. Burt pulled back first.
"Go on kid. Go with your friends and make peace with Kurt's. I know they won't blame you" Burt told him. Blaine nodded.
"Thank you Sir…Burt" and with that he walked with the Warblers, Windsors, Hanovers and Stuarts to where the New Directions had congregated. Finn saw them first.
"Oh, hey Blaine" he started. The others heard him and moved to face the Dalton students.
"Hey" Blaine said softly.
"Listen man, we know what you did. And we don't blame you for Kurt's…his de…for what happened. It wasn't your fault" Finn told him and Blaine felt as though a big weight had been lifted off of his shoulders.
"Thank you Finn. And, I'm sorry. To all of you. You knew him for so much longer than me, than us. Just, sorry" Blaine said through the tears. Finn smiled through his and reached his arms out to the shorter boy. Blaine accepted and leant into the tall teens embrace. After a few moments he stepped back and surveyed the broken group. "Shall we go?"
Once inside Blaine nearly broke down again. At the front of the church was a simple white casket with gold fittings. White and red lilies lay on top and a large framed picture of Kurt rested on a small stall beside the casket. It was perfect. Blaine wished it wasn't happening. He felt himself be guided to his seat by one of his friends, but he didn't know who. All his attention was focused on the coffin and the fact that this would be the last time he'd see the most important person in his life. It was killing Blaine. He sat there for a while, lost in thought. He heard the murmurs of the friends around him, but he no longer cared about them. His whole being was focused on Kurt.
Soon the service started and Burt Hummel got up to speak.
"I loved my son" he started, his voice already beginning to crack. "I still love my son. Kurt was so much like his mom, yet still so unique. He was his own person and knew who he wanted to be. He was difficult, boy was he difficult. But that was what made him Kurt. I knew from a young age he was different from other boys. I still remember that day when he asked me and his mom for a pair of sensible heels. When I lost his mom, my whole world fell apart. Yet I kept going, because I had to for Kurt. I lost my wife, but Kurt lost his mom and I know he never really got over that. He was my last tie to her and now, now I don't know what to do. Kurt was my everything, the only family I had left. I loved him so much, I still love him and it hurts everyday" Burt took a few moments to compose himself, and wipe away the tears forming in his eyes. Then he addressed Kurts casket. "Kurt, I'll never understand why you did what you did. Everyday I'll be asking myself, should I have done anything differently? But I'll never get answers. Kurt, I love you so much. I'll never stop loving you. You're my son, I shouldn't be having to bury you. You're only 17, you had your whole life ahead of you. But you decided to leave, and I need to respect that. I love you Kurt" Burt finished his simple speech on a broken whisper and then stepped down. Carole got up next and spoke directly to Kurt.
"Kurt, I didn't know you for very long, but I wish I'd known you longer. You were such a fantastic person. I'll miss our shopping trips and our clothes talks. I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed all that until you came along. Thank you so much for introducing me to your dad. It's the best thing anyone's ever done for me. Like your dad, I'll never understand why you did it, but Kurt, that doesn't matter. It was your life and you chose to leave. We've just got to understand that. Goodbye Kurt"
As she stepped down Finn stepped up, wiping his eyes.
"Hey dude. Sorry, Kurt. I know you hated it when I called you that. Listen Kurt, you were an awesome brother. I'm sorry I was a jerk to you to start with. I regret that every day. You're a fantastic person Kurt. You left too early. You were supposed to go to New York and show all the jock jerks up. They were supposed to work under you. But you've gone. And I'll always miss you"
Mercedes was up next, and was crying unashamedly.
"I speak for the whole of the New Directions. We all wrote this and they wanted me to say it. We all loved Kurt so much. He was a valuable part and we missed him so much when he transferred. It just wasn't the same without his voice. He didn't get many solos, but those he did were breathtaking. Truly spectacular. From Artie: Kurt was one of my best friends, and one of the first people to accept me after the accident. I'll miss him. Puck: Kurt was cool. I was a jerk to him and I regret that. We ended up being good friends and I learnt what an awesome person he was. And now he's gone. Brittany: My Boo's died. He was a beautiful unicorn and I'll miss him. He never called me stupid, he was the only guy who didn't. He was awesome. Santana wants to say: Hummel was cool. I was sort of a bitch to him, but he was a cool guy. I'll miss him. Mike: I never really knew Kurt, but he had a fantastic voice. He was cool and I speak for everyone when I say he'll be missed. Tina: Kurt was one of my closest friends. He always accepted me for who I was. I'll miss him so much. I love you Kurt. Goodbye. Quinn: I again didn't really know Kurt, but he was a cool guy. He knew who he was and we all accepted him for that. Sam: he was one of the first people I spoke to when I transferred, and he was cool. I didn't know him too long, but he was a good friend. Goodbye Kurt, and thank you. Rachel: me and Kurt didn't always see eye to eye, we often fell out but he was a close friend. I enjoyed our sleepovers with 'Cedes. He fought me for solos and I enjoyed that. He could actually rival my voice. I'll miss him more than I can say." Mercedes took a deep breath and carried on. "Kurt, you were my best friend. We had such fantastic weekends together and such fun at school. When you transferred, it nearly killed me but I knew it was for the best. Now though, now I just don't know how to move on. I keep wanting to phone you. I even pick up the phone and then remember you'll never answer it again. Kurt, why? Why did you have to leave? I'll miss you. Mr Shue wants to say something" she finished and moved quickly away, tears blurring her vision. Mr Shuester stood up.
"Kurt was a vital part of New Directions. He was a good kid, had a fantastic voice and a bright future ahead of him. We'll all miss him. The New Directions want to sing something in his honour" Mr Shue nodded, his eyes abnormally bright as the singers stood up and moved to the front. Rachel started the song off.
"Lithium don't want to lock me up inside
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow
Oh, but God, I want to let it go
Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show
Never wanted it to be so cold
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me
I can't hold on to me
Wonder what's wrong with me
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow
Don't want to let it lay me down this time
Drown my will to fly
Here in the darkness I know myself
Can't break free until I let it go
Let me go
Darling I forgive you
After all
Anything is better than to be alone
And in the end I guess I had to fall
Always find my place amongst the ashes
I can't hold on to me
Wonder what's wrong with me
Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium, stay in love with you
I'm gonna let it go"
The song finished without a dry eye in the place. As the last note rang out, Blaine stood up, aided by Evan and Ethan and walked to the front with them flanking him. He smoothed out his paper and cleared his throat.
"I loved Kurt. I loved Kurt more than I loved life itself. Kurt was my everything. From that moment he stopped me on the stairs, I knew I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. He was just beautiful, a perfect angel. I fell in love with him on the spot and wanted to do anything to be with him. I helped him to start with, then he transferred to Dalton. He immediately became a part of Dalton. He was accepted and loved. He just fitted in. He was our Alice in Warblerland. I don't think any Windsor will forget the morning he had a diva fit and shouted at Tabitha for David, the same way no Warbler will forget the first moment we heard him sing Don't Cry For Me Argentina down the phone to his Mckinley friends. He had such a pure voice, so unlike any of the rest of us. Windsor just will never be the same again without Kurt and his cookies. The fights over those were numerous. But I messed up and I'll never forgive myself for that. This beautiful angel is gone from the world because of my stupidity. I'm so sorry" Blaine finished and the rest of the Warblers got up to move behind him. They immediately broke out into a harmony and Blaine started to sing the lead.
"Everything is so dark
And I know there's something wrong
But I can't turn the light on
In that split second change
When you knew we couldn't hold on
I realized I lived to love you
Save yourself
Don't look back
Tearing us apart until it's all gone
The only world I've ever known sleeps beneath the waves
But I remember
I won't give up on you
I can feel you in my heart, just show me the way
I don't belong here
Alone
I can still see your face
Where it's burned into my mind
I die every time
I close my eyes, you're always there
Save yourself
Don't look back
Tearing us apart until it's all gone
The only world I've ever known sleeps beneath the waves
But I'm the one who's drowning
Without your love
I am lost and can never go back home
All across the ocean
We are calling, calling
Are you there?
Nothing left for me till I find you because it's
All gone
The only world I've ever known sleeps beneath the waves
But I'm the one who's drowning
Without your love
I am lost and I can never go back
I can never go back home"
Blaine finished the song, tears streaming down his cheeks. He took one look round at everyone, at the casket, and fled the church. His friends ran after him and caught up to him when he stumbled and fell to the ground. Wes and David dropped next to him and held the shaking boy.
"It's all my fault , it's all my fault" he moaned.
FGFY FGFY FGFY FGFY FGFY
"Blaine, it's been six months. You need to stop blaming yourself" came the ever sensible voice of Charlie. The Windsors were all gathered in the common room, but stopped talking when they heard Charlie's words.
"Chaz is right Blaine. Kurt wouldn't want you to blame yourself anymore" chimed in Wes. Blaine smiled weakly.
"I know I do. But I can't" the short boy sighed.
"Which is why we're taking you to see him" Evan told him.
"We're all taking a day trip to the cemetery and you're going to finally explain to him why you did what you did. Hopefully it will give you closure" Ethan chipped in.
"We've also found the perfect song. And no Blaine, you don't get a say. This is for your own good. We're doing it for Kurt" David added.
"We all miss him terribly Blaine. Hopefully it will help us all move on, not just you" Reed said, a wistful look in his eye. Blaine knew how much the curly haired boy missed his best friend, his shopping partner, his confidante. It had hurt Reed almost as much as it had hurt Blaine himself. Reed needed this, just as Blaine did. The singer sighed, and nodded.
"Let's go then"
Once stood by Kurt's gravestone, Blaine felt the old grief threaten to tear him apart as it had to start with. He hadn't actually been to visit Kurt's grave since the funeral. Beside him, he could hear all the Windsors try and stifle their tears. Blaine cleared his throat.
"Hey Kurt" he started softly. "It's been a while. I still haven't forgiven myself for what I did to you. I was stupid and reckless and wrong. I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't want my father to hurt you, so I thought breaking up with you would be the best way to keep you safe. How wrong I was. I've never regretted anything so much as I regret doing that to you Kurt. If I'd just manned up and faced my father like I should've, you'd still be here. But you're not. I'm sorry Kurt, I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I hope you can forgive me" Blaine stopped and took a deep breath. He looked round at his friends and those in the Warbler's started harmonizing. The short boy took a deep breath and began to sing. As he did so, a warm breeze blew all around the Warblers, swirling leaves around their forms. Blaine smiled, knowing this was Kurt's way of saying 'I forgive you'
"Can you forgive me again?
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you
I heard the words come out
I felt that I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you
Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken
I'd give anything now
To kill those words for you
Each time I say something I regret I cry "I don't want lose you"
But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah
'Cause you were made for me
Somehow I'll make you see
How happy you make me
I can't live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive
So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry
And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you"
The Warblers faded out and converged round Blaine, hugging the curly haired teen and giving him strength.
"I'm sorry Kurt. I hate that you died thinking I hated you. I never stopped loving you. I will never stop loving you. I miss you every day. We miss you every day. The world isn't the same without you Kurt and I'm sorry I caused that. Please forgive me, I never meant to hurt you. I miss you so much, I wish you were here. But you're not. I'll come by and see you soon Kurt. I'm never saying goodbye to you"
A/N awwww wasn't that depressing. I should really write some fluff... Anyway, REVIEW? :D