For me it seems like seconds, to others it seems like years, but the memory still remains in my head, like looking at photographs every day. Now they are blurred and grained but they were once so sharp and real that they frightened me, what was a dream and reality? Are they different?
I have so many memories, some good and bad, but memories all the same. My earliest memories were the sight of the old school building and my uncomfortable trousers and tie and the smell of the ancient books in the library that lay there waiting to be read, the stained pages and blurred words and the dusty covers. I also remember the many friends I made there, all different but all special to me, each had its own warmth and light. But one light shone so bright, and his heart so warm, it dazzled me.
I remember my first meeting so well, like it was recorded into my thoughts. I was walking down the path near the school gardens, the flowers were a brilliant blue, swaying ever so softly, like waves, the froth of the white lilies at the edge, the deep blues in-between. Like a dream that I had walked into, suddenly as I was examining them closely and sniffing their musky sweet smell, a face emerged in front of mine, he looked at the flowers and then at me, "You smell just like em". Never did I think that I would see him again. For months I tried to avoid him, he annoyed me, infuriated me, made my blood boil…but also made my heart beat wildly. One day at midnight, I got into a row with my parents and ran to the school, I cried for what seemed like for ever, suddenly a figure emerged and presented me with a bunch of blue flowers, the rest was history.
He remained at my side many years after, even after university, we had a flat together and life was a fairytale. Of course fairytales don't last, and one day…we were travelling down a road in his new red car, we had stopped at a gas station, refuelled and were about to set off, he told me he loved me. That he was going to be with me forever. That he would have me as his wife. I told him not to be silly as we were both men. And then…everything went white.
I don't remember what happened in-between, I just remember waking up in a hospital bed, strapped up to different machines, looking around and petrified. Where was I? Where was Alfred? Was he okay? Never did I think that my…hero….
In a last act of bravery I had found out later, as soon as a car had hit us, he jumped in front of me in the car, and took most of the hit.
My hero…was gone…
As soon as I heard I pulled every wire out and ran like hell for the door, skidded around the hospital looking…but of course life isn't sweet and nice, and I found him. There In a body bag. His glasses mangled and his blue, gorgeous sapphire eyes dark. Blood covered his body like a blanket.
He was gone.
That was the first time I tried, I ran to the nearest window and saw the brilliant blue sky, and it reminded me of him. I didn't make it in time and nurses pulled me away. I don't remember how long I stayed in that hospital, but it seemed like years.
For years I couldn't move on, the smell of him, the sight of him, his rough lips, his warm touch…but most of all, his smile.
I tried to move on, met your mother, I did love her, but just not as much as I had with Alfred. And please do not ever think I don't love you, I do. You will always be my world, the apples in my eyes. You make me smile so much, each one of you, and I hope I was there for you when you needed me, and I hope you will remember every moment, every memory.
I hope I was the best Father to you as I could have been, it hurts me to write this so much, but I have to, I have not long left. Tell the grandchildren I love them as well, tell them all.
You all are what I lived for, your smiles kept me warm.
Love…Arthur xxx