How annoying are you Jack? – Let me count the ways
1. You're not conducting an orchestra. Stop waving your fork around while you're eating – it's not a gesticulation aide.
While I am getting wise to it now, will you please stop approaching me silently from the rear at work and running your hands up the back of my thighs. This causes loud, explosive noises from me which is embarrassing in front of colleagues. (Gwen –"You just whinnied like a horse, Yan." Owen, "You shrieked like a big girl, Teaboy.")
You wonder why I spend so much time in the Archives? - This could possibly be to do with the fact that you have a habit of just dumping everything down on a table for me to sort out. And have you never heard of the Dewey system of filing?
Boxers – not the dog, the underwear. They are not to be left on the bathroom floor, kicked across the bedroom or indeed under your desk at work. Put them back on your person or if they do need washing then the correct place for them is the laundry basket or to ask me "Yan, are you putting a wash on? Can I bung these in?" Anything else is just showing what a slutty tart you are Harkness.
It's not only me but the entire team is aware of what your sing-song "Yaaaaantoh" calling of my name means. You really aren't subtle are you?
When the big guns have to come out, stop being infantile. The first time I heard "Mine's bigger than yours" it was funny; after about the third time it's not. Added to which, you lie – you know I win on that score
Throwing toddler tantrums and screaming at inanimate objects in your office is not very grown up is it?
Much as I appreciate it in some ways, could you turn down the volume whilst in the throes of passion? – Specifically can you not be so graphic as to what I'm doing or what you want done and could you bring down the decibels to under pneumatic drill level please? I do live in a flat and have neighbours…and Mr Jenkins at Number 4 is starting to give me funny looks.
Stop leaving the inside of the SUV all sticky…
Whilst I heartily applaud how much mineral water you drink, the correct place for the empties is in the bin (specifically the recycling bin) and not lobbed any old how at the bin across your office (you miss every time) or thrown over your shoulder into the back seat of the SUV.
Leading on from which, sex on the back seat of the aforementioned vehicle is not such a pleasant prospect when you have to clear away Captain Harkness' dross (sweetie wrappers, empty water bottles, pizza boxes and banana skins) first!
Talking of bananas – I am banning you forthwith from ever going into a supermarket with me again! Actually Jack, the fruit and veg department is not a place to get over-excited in and turned on by the size and shape of the produce. Families shop there and I really don't need a demonstration of how well you can deep throat a banana or courgette with gagging and would rather you didn't announce your skills half way down an aisle.
While you do always cheat at naked hide and seek, could you vary it a bit so that you don't once in a while?
I know you're fond of my stopwatch (this is not a euphemism for something else) but could you please stop playing with it so often? – The button on the top is getting wonky.
And on that line of thought…stop playing with it or it'll drop off. You know what I'm talking about
While you may think it's amusing, could you please refrain from regaling me (us?) with your sexual exploits with non-human life forms. I really don't want to know about the warm embrace of a tentacle and know how many eyes, dicks, mouths or other orifices it had or it could start to make me feel rather inadequate.
Sulking and pouting is not a good look on a man of your age.
When I've been away from the Hub for the day I am aware that you've occasionally indulged in a Starbucks. Don't lie Harkness, I've found the empties! – This is Cooper's influence isn't it?
You know I absolutely hate Marmite. If you must eat it then brush your teeth and/or suck a mint afterwards – I can smell it from several feet away. And while snogging is usually very pleasant, it is NOT funny to pin me down and ram your tongue into my mouth for a laugh when you've just had a Marmite sarnie. Not funny at all and you're a sadist Jack…
While I am indeed the person who clears up after you and the team, do not take this as licence to leave everywhere you go as if a bomb's hit it. Remember you're the person who throws a hissy fit if you can't find something straight away.
…..That said, you're funny, caring, exciting and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else and I suppose I really do love you to bits Jack Harkness or I wouldn't put up with you would I?
Ianto x