Summary: Why wasn't there any international assistance against Voldemort? Why is the premier American magical school named after a witch hunt, and how can the President be obliviated willy-nilly? Why was the 'dark school' Durmstrang allowed into the Triwizard Tournament, and do Brazilian students learn how to curse hats? Harry Potter's about to get a history lesson and a wake-up call. ~ Canon, between the final battle and epilogue.

A/N: This makes perfect sense. It does, trust me! A school of stalkers, evil USA, post-war trauma, and 'sexual-tension-turned-bickering': totally easy to understand.

This originally came from the idea that Harry was an idiot not to look up more about the magical world. Yes yes, from a literary standpoint it makes sense since he was the 'reader insert' (aka: he asked all the questions about magic which we, the muggle readers, needed to know), but he's still a moron. So what if, because of this, he had a 'ginormous hole' in his understanding of the world?

General Disclaimer: With one glance at the description's insanity, it should be clear that the plot's all mine. Unfortunately, J.K. Rowling has control of the characters, settings, and canon. Though, I am working on usurping her copyright in the US, so it should be cool. In, er, a hundred or so years. Or maybe two centuries if it turns out she actually is a witch. Which shouldn't surprise anyone, by the way.

"And where is that band who so vauntingly swore
That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion,
A home and a country, should leave us no more?
Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps' pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave,
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave."

From 'The Star-Spangled Banner'.

"They aren't."

"They are." Ron emphatically jabbed his fork, though his voice lowered.

Their classmates continued to stare curiously, something which the trio was more than used to and easily able to ignore. Though even Ron had exploded a few times at dewy-eyed students clamouring to hear about their past year ("Don't know how you do it." The redhead groaned to the amused boy-who-lived once the frightened first years had raced out of sight, having failed to 'steal' any of their clothes for souvenirs. "I was jealous of that? Mental. I'll never understand girls!"). Needless to say, the three friends had plenty of practice in pretending the eavesdroppers didn't exist and continuing their arguments in chaotic peace.

"They aren't." Harry repeated, trying in vain to fight back a headache–which surprisingly had nothing to do with his new stalkers. Well, almost nothing. He was at least grudgingly happy that they were split amongst all of them now, but he could have done without the new nickname. "I don't know what possessed you to–"

"Actually, Ron's right." Hermione chimed in. Harry resisted pounding his head against Gryffindor Table. And here he'd thought the worst bit of his friends finally acting on the sexual tension would be public displays that'd scar him for life. Who knew they'd actually beginning to agree with each other? Forget about snogging, this was the truly creepy bit. He was beginning to feel a lot less guilty for aiding George in his summer prank spree. At the time, he'd rationalised it away by the look of joy which had crossed the former twin's face–something which had been exceedingly rare since last May. He was just happy that Ron and Hermione would never figure out it'd been he who'd spelled their lips together for a day–nor would they know he'd been behind the awkward confrontation between them, Mrs. Weasley, and salamanders loaded up on fireworks.

"What're you on about?" Harry stared at them in concernation. "Should I be checking for imperios?"

Hermione clicked her tongue, ducking to avoid another breakfast explosion courtesy of Seamus. "Don't be melodramatic."

The man-who-conquered (who would hex the next person who called him that; teacher or student) thought that was a bit rich of her to say while ignoring the Irishman grinning at the crater which used to be his plate. Ron apparently didn't have such qualms. "Yeah 'arry! 'on't–OOOF! 'Mione, why'd you elb'w me?"

"I wouldn't have to if you'd stop talking with your mouth full." His girlfriend lectured chidingly. "One would think I'd get used to your lack of manners after that camping trip from hell, but no. You keep surprising me! Congratulations."

"Can we get back to how you've lost your minds?" Harry tiredly piped in while Ron gaped at the shocking sight of Hermione cursing.

"We haven't."

"Yeah, 'e haven–Gah!"

Harry ignored Ron's groan of pain from long practice. "If you aren't crazy, why did you say that all Americans are evil?" There was a sudden slam and gasp as something was knocked to the floor, but the three of them ignored the stalkers and didn't even bother to look over.

"Because they are." The redhead explained simply, at last swallowing his mouthful of food.

"Honestly Ronald, that's a circular argument." Hermione turned from her gaping boyfriend back to Harry. "'Americans' aren't evil."

"Wizarding America." Ron nodded with a wide grin, only stopping when the brunette gave him a scathing look.

"The magical United States." Hermione corrected succinctly, giving him another warning glare. "Have you never had a geography lesson? Do you have any idea how much the generic term 'America' covers?"

Ron shrugged. "A continent?"

"Two!" She bit back a groan, though her eyes seemed to glow with amusement. Or desire. Harry decided he really didn't want to know. There was a laugh behind him and, glancing at the crowd, he was surprised that at least one of the crazy fangirls had a sense of humour.

"Let's get back to the point." Harry said as he turned back, narrowly stopping his best female friend from either killing or jumping his best male friend. "Why is 'Wizarding USA' evil; isn't that harsh? I mean, sure, they're barmy. But evil?"

"They're dark, actually." Hermione once again corrected, finally lifting her stare from a chuckling Ron. "It's all because of Salem. But honestly Harry, how do you not know about this? Professor Binns has mentioned it numerous times!"

"Salem Academy?" Harry vaguely remembered seeing some students from there at the Quidditch World Cup four years previously. "Come on Hermione, you're the only one who can stay awake in those classes."

"Just because you and Ron are allergic to history doesn't mean that everyone...", she took a few calming breaths before returning to the matter at hand. "Fine, never mind, that discussion is useless. Yes, Salem Academy. As well as Salem, Massachusetts where the school is located. It's infamous in American history–"

"Now it's okay to say that?" Ron mutinously muttered into his bacon.

"–for witch trials." Hermione studiously ignored the interruption and went back to the lecture, which came out as though she was reciting a memorised speech. "Hundreds were killed, but while true wizards and witches used flame-freezing charms to save themselves the executions descended into muggle baiting."

Harry blinked. "Wait, that does sound familiar. A bit. Haven't studied that in years though. How do you remember all of this?"

"She's Hermione, she knows everything." Ron shrugged as though that explained it all. Harry imitated the gesture, feeling that his friend's assessment was quite correct. "Huh, wasn't it the fanatical purebloods who started the problem?"

Hermione nodded–after rolling her eyes at their pronouncement of her omniscience. It was best for her sanity that she didn't notice that a few second year Ravenclaws had overheard and were now peering at her in awe. "Mainly. A few radical wizarding families left Europe for the colonies because their opinions were disregarded in Britain and elsewhere. It was almost the opposite of the muggles who left because of religious persecutions; these horrible wizards wanted to 'cleanse' the world of all who weren't magical."

"So the muggle baiting." Harry said in recognition. "Right, that makes sense. With the witch trials then, did they trick non-magical people into being accused?"

"They were usually the ones accusing them." Hermione sighed at the long ago tragedy. "It's theorised that in Salem a few little girls were imperiused and made to shout out the names of 'witches' who had harmed them. The trials were manipulated as well–god, it was so horrendous! How could anyone do something that monstrous?"

"The Muggle-Born Registration Commission gave it a good try." Ron sourly reminded, taking a glance at his girlfriend's wrist where a shade of a scar still remained. All three silently decided to let the subject drop, though all couldn't help but wince.

"I'm not saying it's not horrible," Harry said carefully, coming out of his memories, "but what does this have to do with the 'evil' Am–" he caught sight of his friend's expression and shifted his sentence, "–United States?"

"After the witch trials, this sect of terrible wizards grew more powerful." Hermione sighed, her 'lecture' pausing as though she was searching for the words. "By the American Revolution magical immigration had slowed to a dwindle; nobody light wanted to go over, and most of the extremely dark families had already left."

"What about ones like the Blacks? The Malfoys?"

"The Blacks were neutral compared to these prats." Ron explained, much to Harry's surprise. The former just shrugged uncertainly. "Mate, it's kind of common knowledge to purebloods. And the Malfoys? Er–"

"Were probably French." Hermione speculated, quickly cutting off her boyfriend as her fingers twirling a knot into her hair. "These colonists were mainly British. At 1776, most of the wizards in the American colonies were either part of one of these groups, or adventurers after El Dorado, the fountain of youth, the Northwest Passage–that sort of thing."

"Is the Revolution really that important?" Harry questioned. "I remember a bit of it from primary, but wasn't it focussed on the muggles?"

"The muggle revolution was focussed on protesting the British monarchy and parliamentary representation." Hermione corrected after a moment's pause. "The magical revolution concentrated on severing all ties between the two sides of the Atlantic. How do you think the non-magicals managed to win their war?"

"I don't–"

"–the colonists' forces were miniscule compared to the British Empire," she rapidly continued, the words flinging out without her noticing the boys give each other long-suffering glances, "and even with the home advantage and alliance with the French, the revolution should have been quickly stamped out." Her lips twitched at a private pun. "But the wizards were raging their own war, with the radical American groups focussing on butchering all ties they had with Europe. Mainly, though these wizards were hardly supportive of muggle rights of liberty, they wanted the British out of North America. So they shifted the non-magical war in the colonists' favour. They joined forces with the French, took out the English fleets, and the rest? History. Muggle Britain lost, the radicals left in France decided to shift that muggle revolution into yet another thinly veiled witchhunt, the 1812 war was swiftly cast aside, and with the weak Canadian wizarding government and the constant Mexican coup d'états, the radical wizarding groups have been ruling magical United States fairly consistently for the past few centuries." She drew in a great breath at the end, yet seemed rather proud of herself for remembering it all: quite like her post-exam results glow.

Harry blinked. "I…feel like you left out some parts."

Hermione frowned as Ron coughed to hide a chuckle. She glared at the redhead. "You try summing up a country's history over breakfast while trying to concentrate on Charms and ignore an entire school of stalkers!" A few groups of eavesdroppers embarrassingly pretended to turn back to their breakfasts. The others had no such qualms and continued to blatantly stare. "Ugh, do they have no sense of decency? Never mind, ignore them. But if you're so interested in this history I'm sure I can get you a few books. Oh, there's a wonderful one on the Civil War! It discusses the re-establishment of the Republican Party and how the failed secession of the southern states caused the radical wizarding groups to consolidate in disguise under what contemporary muggles view as the 'American family dynasties' who–"

"Hermione, breathe." Ron laughed in amazement, also decidedly ignoring the continuing lack of privacy. "We get it, you're an expert at history."

"On history. But I'm hardly an expert, especially on North America. Their series of transformations is fascinating though; I've read one or two books–"

"–for light reading, and which you loved so much you've since read them over and over." Harry finished with a light smile, batting a third year away from grabbing his bag without much thought. He stared at her oddly as she froze before clumsily running away as though–she'd just had the jelly-legs hex cast on her? Huh. Strange. "Great. But I still don't get it. You're saying that these 'radical groups' are completely in charge of the government?"

"Of the wizarding one." Ron shrugged as he piped in, pointedly fingering his wand at another young witch until she finally got the message, eeped, and raced back to her giggling friends. "Dad complains about it every once in a while; something about how they don't have any laws protecting muggle rights from wizards? Er, I think. Yeah, that's right. Mum's mentioned there's a branch of the Prewett family that went over ages ago, but since you pretty much can't get international portkeys we've never visited them. Have you ever seen all the paperwork for just a trip there? Mental. Absolutely barmy, I'm telling you."

Hermione finished glaring at the witch before biting her lip in thought. "Wizards can always just fly from Heathrow, but you know purebloods–oh, sorry Ron, I didn't mean your family."

"Nah, dad'd go crazy if he had a chance to take one of those whirly-gigs." Ron suddenly looked amazed, remembering a bit of knowledge. He seemed rapidly more interested in the conversation than he had before. "Wait, do they really reach higher than a Firebolt? And can transport hundreds of people for more than a day? Blimey, how do they stay up? Eclectic, right? Or can the plugs somehow stretch up that high?"

Hermione and Harry stared at their friend as a pregnant pause stretched between them. The former two finally decided it'd be best to just forget they'd heard the last bit and scrub it from their memories.

"Okay, fine." Harry shook his head. "I get it, I do. But why the stark contrast between the muggle States, you know, the superpower nation which spouts off about democracy?"

Hermione shrugged helplessly. "What better way to keep the muggles in line? It's an awful thought, but effective. The American Magical Ministry hide behind this image of liberty and freedom; it's like plausible deniability. How could the ICW directly confront them over their non-magical policies when those people seem so happy? But there's all these conspiracy theories about the state, you must have heard."

"Like what?" Harry looked confused.

"Jingoism." She sighed, looking sour, as though this was the worst part of the United States' aggrievance. He wondered if SPEW was going to expand out. "Primary school students, non-magic and magic alike, have to recite the Pledge of Allegiance every morning. Opinions are torn over whether its merely brain-washing or a long-lasting Unbreakable Vow."

"Oh, I've heard a good one!" Ron leaned across the table, his excitement at muggle terms again ringing. "You know the, what d'they call them, mushrooms? Yeah, apparently the wizards there can set them off with one red button and destroy the world! Scary, right?"

"Mushrooms?" Hermione's eye twitched. "Ron, do you mean nuclear weapons?"

"Sure, sure."

"Because you do know that 'mushrooms' are muggle drugs and that nukes could bring on a winter apocalypse?" She said tightly.

Ron froze as he tried to figure out what answer was most likely to leave him wonderfully un-cursed. "Er, yes?"

"Off the point!" Harry waved, though stopped when he felt his hand brush against something. He looked behind him but the crowd must have backed away a few steps. Hmm, he'd have to check for pranks later. This reminded him of the one he and George had set up when Ron's and Hermione's constant snogging became even worst than the blasted sexual tension. Having them think they were being interrupted greatly reduced the scarring sights one would bump into while innocently moving around the Burrow. "I still can't believe this. The States, evil? I remember there being some Americans at the World Cup–"

"–probably dignitaries–"

"–and," he shoved on, "wouldn't the other countries rise up in protest?"

Hermione blinked.

Ron dropped his piece of toast.

They both stared at Harry in bewilderment as the eavesdroppers fell silent, waiting for new developments. The boy-who-lived gazed right back, even though he began to fidget with growing self-consciousness as the silence sweltered. The roar of the Great Hall raged on around their circle.

"Harry," Ron asked slowly, as though worried his friend would suddenly go mental, "how much have you looked up about the magical world?"

"Er," he ran a hand through his hair, "not much. What am I missing? You're just joking, right? Anyway, you try dealing with Voldemort, constant death situations, homicidal teachers, a rabid press and–"

"We get it." Hermione cut in, smoothing her surprise as she did so. "Sorry, you do have a point, but it's just startling. I–how do you explain this? Er, all right, how about this. Harry, why do you think neither the Ministry or Order tried to get international help against Voldemort?"

"Didn't Madam Maxine help Hagrid with the giants?"

"But that was the only help we received." Hermione pressed on. "Think about it. Why would Durmstrang, a school known to teach the Dark Arts, be asked to participate in the Triwizard Tournament?"

"Tradition?" Harry paused at the others' expression, having clearly said the wrong answer.

"Blimey mate," Ron shook his head, "Durmstrang was allowed to enter because there wasn't anyone else!"

"What?" Harry's jaw dropped. "But there are wizards the world over and–"

"–almost all of them embrace dark magic." Hermione finished as calmly as she could. All three paused at a noise, and turned to look at a sudden choking sound. But none of the stalkers spoke up. She thus shook her head before continuing. "Britain and France are two of the few 'light' nations left. Durmstrang is one of those in the grey areas. I, I thought we were having the argument about the US being dark only because they have that veil over the Americas which, at first glance, make them seem 'good'."

"I still remember a pen-pal of Bill's from Brazil." Ron shivered. "The girl was mental: only twelve and she learned how to attach a curse to his hat! We don't even do that in seventh year! Thank Merlin for that, imagine what some people would do." He finished with a glare to a confused Harry.

"I'm not surprised," Hermione commiserated whilst giving Ron a warning look, "South America is so close to the States that the magical education system must have been extremely influenced. Victor's mentioned some of the same things about Durmstrang, though nowhere near as bad."

"Wait wait wait." Harry yelped to slow down the conversation, and to cut Ron off over before his inevitable reply of, 'Vicky? You're still in touch with him!' "The hell? You're telling me the entire world is evil? Okay, this joke was funny at first, but you've taken it way too far."

"It's not a joke." She said sympathetically. "Haven't you ever wondered why Dumbledore was in charge of so many positions? Britain is the leading 'bastion' of the light, and he was its figurehead against the influence of the United States."

"But, but," Harry scrambled to pick up a coherent counterargument to this insanity, "the muggle 'special relationship'! The US and UK are so close, how could–"

"–in the muggle world, they're allied." Ron still looked a bit green from the mention of the old hat. "For the wizards? Meh, I expect they let it go on because of the, what do you call it, 'keep your enemies close' thing."

"Quite possibly." Hermione nodded in agreement. "Though I expect the American Magical Ministry doesn't much care what their magical counterparts do when they're the ones clearly in charge. I mean, when they can put a president under imperius and side-step Congress to begin a Cold War because of a little tiff with the Russians, it's clear there's no checks and balances."

By this point, Harry had dissolved to staring disbelievingly at his friends, for once speechless. Every few moments he cleared his ears in the forlorn hope that his hearing was playing tricks on him, much like how one of George's pranks over the summer resulted in a mistranslation charm being put over ⅔ the Golden Trio so that they heard everything as risqué innuendoes. Hermione had been less than pleased, and her boyfriend had quickly stopped laughing after 'hearing' a provocative conversation between his parents.

But no, Harry's ears were unfortunately working perfectly, and their was no fall-back explanation as to why his world was being turned upside-down. Ron had also begun gaping at his girlfriend's lecturing–though Harry suspected this had more to do with Hermione's in-depth details rather than the topic itself. Either way, he began tuning out at the beginning discussion of the Suez Canal, faintly paid bewildered attention at the idea that the UK had resorted to blackmail to get the US to support them and overthrow the Shah (apparently a competing dark wizard) during the Iranian Crisis, was completely lost over her outlining the debate between Thatcher and the unions, and threw all hope for sanity out the window as she started in on Richard Nixon. Who, apparently, was able to throw off a confundo and an imperio, and was only able to be taken out by a well-placed recording charm.

"The worst bit," Hermione peered around suspiciously at the still eavesdropping students. At the change in tone from a 'lecturing-Binns' to a 'paranoid-conspiracy-theory', Harry reluctantly turned his attention back to his friend, "the worst? There's a rumour that the Americans have managed to infiltrate Britain itself. And not only at the Crown, muggle politics, or central Ministry–at Hogwarts itself. According to some, through bribery and cloaked threats, they've managed to pull the Hufflepuffs onto their side into a Glorious Revolution which–

"Oh, BLOODY HELL! That's ENOUGH!" The hunched over friends jumped as Ginny suddenly appeared behind Harry, furious and pulling off his invisibility cloak. "You absolute wankers! What in Merlin's name are you two on?"

"Gin–Ginny?" The three gaped at the angry girl, Ron yelping out the question for all of them. "You've, you've been here the whole time?"

"I was going to surprise Harry by nabbing him away!" Ginny hotly exclaimed, flinging the cloak about in emphasis. "Not that it's any of your business, but I'd like to see you try getting a moment free for snogging with these stalkers blocking your way. But then I heard your blasted conversation: how dare you idiots!"

"The noises..." Harry shook his head, trying to refocus his thoughts, "...even though you apparently broke into my trunk–it's great to see you, definite yes to the snogging," Ron choked on air as various fangirls moaned, clutching their chests in despair, "and what the hell are you talking about?"

"These morons," she growled, pointing at the suddenly fidgeting couple, "are making Trelawney seem sane and reliable. Hardly any nations are 'evil', and the US is as liberal as they come! Damnit, why were you two leading him on? Harry, do you honestly not pay attention to-to-to anything!"

The three continued to gape at the fiery redhead. One could easily imagine smoke pouring out of her ears, with or without the help of Pepperup Potion.

"Well?" Ginny practically breathed fire. "I'm waiting."

"We, uh," Ron exchanged an oddly frightened glance with Hermione, "that git pranked us first!"

"So you convinced him THAT THE WORLD IS EVIL?"

"He glued our lips together!" Ron shouted back, before being jabbed by a flustered Hermione for yelling it in a room filled to the brim with craning necks and juicy gossipers.

"What the hell?" Harry twisted around, unsure which group to stare at. "Ginny's right? I was helping George feel better! Christ, you bloody prats!"

"You're the gullible one." Ron said with a hint of smugness at a prank well done; even while rubbing his leg with a wince. "Not our fault."

"Shut it." Ginny snarled at her brother. "I don't care. Merlin, I should have intervened earlier, but I was too amazed that Hermione put so much effort into it! I mean, really, what? Creating an entirely new wizarding history for a blasted PRANK?"

Hermione blushed while Ron looked oddly proud of his girlfriend's insanity. But Ginny wasn't finished.

"You know what? Never mind." She pulled a still bewildered man-who-conquered all the way to his feet, shoving his bag into his hands. "I came here for boyfriend time; I'm going to get boyfriend time. Harry? You. Me. Empty classroom. Now. You can get revenge later."

"Er, what?" Harry turned back from scowling at his best friends, not having processed everything. "Where?"

"It doesn't matter!" Ginny shrieked, throwing the cloak over them before any of the other students could fully grasp what had happened.

"Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there;
O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave,
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?"

From 'The Star-Spangled Banner'.

A/N: I can absolutely see Ron/Hermione being like, "Oh yeah, you got us. So on top of the post-war insanity, our new stalkers and, oh, you know, the last seven years, you decide to cheer George up by pranking us? Fine then, Harry Freaking Potter: BRING IT ON!"

This idea came about when my Scottish boyfriend J asked if I (an American) went crazy when Salem Academy was mentioned in "Goblet of Fire". After talking his ear off about every indirect reference of the USA Rowling made, we decided that my home country and other international places weren't highlighted because Britain was one of the last bastions of the light. Moral of this story? We should stop coming up with HP theories–you don't even want to know about the Glorious Hufflepuff Revolution, or Moussy (the psychotic Slytherin pygmy puff) joining forces with the honeybadgers (who have holy hand grenades and possession of the Elder Swear).

Now! Fast-forward a few weeks to my uni's HP Society meeting. I was working on this story's rough draft when I heard a squeak from next to me, then a snort of laughter from my left. J and my good friend L were peering at my laptop's screen at my unpolished work. Remembering that they're British peeps (who are both fanatic Harry Potter fans, and respectively studying history/politics and English literature to boot), I shrieked and recruited them into correcting my horrible mistakes. I was willing to resort to bribery to get J's crazy humour and L's amazing linguistic/grammatical skills, but luckily both of them were cool with reading it. Apparently I mesmerised them with history. Yayness.

Afterwards, J basically came up with the entire end. He's also a genius when it comes to British politics, so between my knowledge of the US and his of the UK, we had the alternate history down. Like, boo yah. Fini. Except that I really wanted to get into the Iraq War, but since in canon this would be 1997 that wouldn't work. I had this fantastic bit about how Bush was imperiused to side-step Congress and invade the Middle East. Not to mention that the radical wizards began the recession so as to break up the 'light' European Union when the exchange rate from the euro to the dollar had gotten on their nerves. But then, no. Damnit. Sticking to canon sometimes really sucks…

Reviewers get virtual hugs and red vines :D