AN - i have no other excuses for this fic except… it's being written for a friend (who's also here on ffnet - you know who you are).

originally posted on tumblr, cross-posted here for convenience since the length spun way out of control.

WARNING - if you're not allergic to crack pairings of unimaginably cracky proportions, amateurish writing, constantly changing POVs and also constantly changing writing styles, you're safe to proceed.

Damn Tatsuya to the pits of hell, thought a certain Kagami Taiga, as he drummed his fingers impatiently on the table top.

Decked in one of his fancier shirts, the redhead was sitting at one of the outdoor tables of Magi Grill & Bar, feeling out-of-place at the upscale restaurant and dreading the events that were soon to come.

This was all Tatsuya's fault.

Tatsuya, who had a fit of worry that Taiga would "die alone with only a basketball for company", and who had arranged for him to attend a blind date with a girl, despite all of Taiga's outbursts that dying alone with only a basketball for company was not bad at all. Tatsuya, who had pointedly shoved aside the many black shirts hanging neatly in Taiga's closet, and who had stuffed Taiga into one of the more formal outfits he had found folded away in one of Taiga's rarely-opened drawers.

Tatsuya, who had shepherded Taiga to this very seat, and who had taken off with a maddeningly benign smile on his poker face, despite Taiga's many protests.

Unconsciously shaking his right leg beneath the table, Taiga slouched further into the rickety seat, tugging once again at the collar of his checkered dress-shirt. Though he had left the top two buttons undone, it was warm out, and the shirt was sticking uncomfortably to his skin.

Damn Tatsuya to the pits of hell.

It wasn't that Taiga wasn't interested in dating. It was just that at this point in time, he wanted to focus all his time and energy on basketball. Dating someone would distract him from his goal of becoming the best basketball player in Japan.

Also, he wasn't very good with girls, and he'd be damned if he made another girl cry again.

Taiga sighed, wishing that he was in one of his favourite loose black T-shirts, playing basketball right now.

Still, he was already here, and it wouldn't be fair to the girl if he were to take off without meeting her first.

Sighing again, Taiga gave his surroundings another cursory glance, looking for the girl who "has red hair, just like you. She should be easy to spot when she arrives."

Damn Tatsuya to the pits of hell.

At least they served cheeseburgers here.

Unbeknownst to Taiga, the redhead he was looking for was merely a few blocks down the street, unceremoniously shoving passers-by out of the way in her haste to get to the agreed location.

Erza was late to her blind date.

It didn't matter that she had to stop to get rid of a rampaging goblin on her way here - her lateness was unacceptable behaviour. She would have to properly apologise to her date when she arrived.

Picking up her pace, Erza internally cursed at herself once more.

She was disappointed at herself. The date was meant to be a refreshing change from Jellal, whose absence had been such a heavy weight on her mind lately. Though she hadn't mentioned him to anyone, her inner turmoil must have shown on her face, for Gray had, in a rare display of perceptiveness, offered to set her up with a friend of a friend he knew just so she could take her mind off the blue-haired man. Erza had been secretly looking forward to the date, even going so far as to get Lucy to pick out her dress again. It was a yellow cotton sundress this time - light, a little bit flirty and most importantly, perfect for the warm weather.

Erza shook her head roughly to clear her thoughts.

This was no time to brood. She had to find her date, even if he didn't want to see her anymore.

At the very least, she had to apologise to him for her reprehensible actions.

She frowned, trying to recall the features of the man she was supposed to meet. The only thing she knew about her date was that he had "I dunno, uh, reddish hair, and weird eyebrows. Oh, and he talks a bit like flame-br - uh, Natsu, I mean."

Erza's frown deepened.

Gray was never good with providing accurate descriptions, and that would not be helpful when discussing future battle tactics.

She would have to remedy that when she got back from her date.

If she can find her date, anyway.

"Oi! Er… Erza, right?"

The sound of her name being called from afar made Erza stop abruptly in her tracks.

Caught off-guard, she whipped her head around, only to realise that not only had been unable to recognise her date, she had unknowingly walked past him, and the restaurant they were supposed to meet at.

Erza mentally kicked herself.

This blunder, when coupled with her failure to reach the agreed location on time, was not just unacceptable - it was downright deplorable.

She strode briskly to her apparent date, giving him a brief once-over. He was indeed sporting a head of red hair, though the shade of red looked about a few tones darker than hers. Regardless, such a hair colour was unusual in these parts of town, and she dazedly wondered how she had not noticed him previously.

"Yo - erm, hey – " the crimson-haired youth began as she reached his table, but Erza wasted no time in interrupting his greeting.

"I must apologise for my lateness. I should not have made my date wait," she announced in clear, clipped tones. "That was rude and a gross mistake on my part, so please hit me."

With that, she sunk into a 90-degree bow, and braced herself for the impact.

What the hell were the only words that came to Taiga's mind when Erza Scarlet suddenly cut off his words. He was even more taken aback when she suddenly bowed 90 degrees in front of him - what the heck, even Momoi or Coach don't do that, what is wrong with this girl?!

At a loss for what to do, he decided to just play it safe.

"Er - it's fine, I didn't wait very long – "

"I insist!"

"No - it wouldn't be right for me to hit a girl – "

The glare she gave him at his words made Taiga take a step back involuntarily.

"Just do it. Please."

Taiga knew he shouldn't hit girls, but he strangely felt like hitting this girl now.

Hell, even she was giving him permission.

Right eyebrow twitching and the scowl he was trying his best to keep off his face returning in full force, he resisted the urge to smack her silly, settling instead for a light tap on the crown of her head.

"There. I've hit you," he growled. "Happy now?"

"If that's the price you think I should pay for my misdeeds," Erza announced, as she straightened herself, "then I guess it'll have to do," she finished firmly, with a tiny nod at him.

Taiga stared blankly at her, at a loss for words.

What the hell.