Disclaimer: If we really did own Harry Potter, do you think we would be writing this online? We didn't think so, either.

A/N: Yup, the sequel to General Hogwarts is finally here! This is still a joint fic between SHGrey18 (me) and Samdum the Bouncing Hobbit, and is here on our joint account SWD18. We switch off every chapter- pardon, episode. It is recommended that General Hogwarts is read first, but I guess it isn't absolutely necessary. Now, without any more interruptions . . .

All My Fathers

Series Premiere: The Boy Who Lived . . . A Very Dramatic Life

Sixteen-year-old Harry Potter actually felt depressed as he got his things ready for his sixth year at Hogwarts. Things had been so different this summer . . .

Flashback (insert fuzzy edges around the television screen)

Harry is sitting very emo-like in his room, with heavy black eyeliner and the works. Dudley walks over as Harry broods over how depressing his life is.

"Hi, Harry," Dudley snorts in a happy-go-lucky manner that makes his cousin seem more depressed than he already is.

Harry sighs rather melodramatically, and says, "The world must really be a dark place if my portly cousin no longer fears to be in my presence." Dudley suddenly seems very confused.

"Harry, um, that wasn't in our script!"

"Well, it sounded a lot better than, 'Why, hello cousin Dudley! Isn't it a wonderful, pleasant day.' What is 'wonderful?' What is 'pleasant?'" As Harry continued with his pathetic rant, a sad and heart-wrenching melody begins to play. He perks his head up as it starts, and then tries to will himself to think that it's not there.

"Stop acting all inkiteful! No . . . inliteful! No, that's not right either . . . inmiteful?"

"Insightful, you sad tub of lard. Now, why have you intruded upon my already bleak life?"

"Oh yeah . . . Mum wants to yell at you for something in the kitchen! Hee hee! Ooo, is that a candy bar on your bed?" As Dudley scrambles over to gobble down the remains of a randomly placed chocolate bar, Harry grudgingly leaves his room and travels down to the kitchen of Number Four, Privet Drive. There his Aunt Petunia was chopping vegetables for dinner.

"What do you want, Aunt Petunia?" asked Harry, who felt even more in a black mood because his aunt was chopping carrots and he really detested carrots, them being too bright-colored for his liking.

Petunia turned to Harry and an immediate flush came to her cheeks. "When I was young, Harry, I had thought Vernon was my true love. Now, though, it seems as if things have changed." Her eyes darted hopefully up to Harry's own. Harry felt a flutter in his heart that he had never felt before, and walked quickly over to his aunt. Right before their steamy make-out scene was about to begin, the infamous forbidden love serenade echoed across the set.

Harry could not help but pause and ask, "Do you hear that?" Petunia, however, looked at her nephew/lover as if he had talking crickets in his head. "Nevermind!" spoke Harry quickly, not wanting to ruin the moment.

End Flashback (because this fic is rated T, not M)

The rest of the summer had passed rather well for Harry, who had shown bipolar qualities; from depressed to cheery in less than one hour. Of course, Vernon and Dudley were not let in on Harry and Petunia's little secret.

Now, just as Harry finished putting his belongings in his trunk-

Commercial Break!

"Have you ever felt sick?"

"Duh, yes."

"Unwell?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Agitated?"

"Right now!"

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"But I'm not sick!"

"Think of your grandfather naked! Now do you feel sick?"

"Ew, yes!"

"Now try this!" Sally timidly tries the new medication.

"Hey, this isn't that bad! What is it!"

"Mellified man, of course!"

"What!"

"Yup, that's right! 100 all natural, organic dead man soaked in honey! Do you still feel sick . . . from your original ailment?"

"Oh. My. God . . ."

"I'll take that as a no! Ladies and gents, call now to get your share of this amazing product that will forever change the world of medicine! Call today!"

Now, just as Harry finished putting his belongings in his trunk, Petunia walked very solemnly into Harry's bedroom. "Harry, darling, why do you have to go to that Weasley place for the rest of the summer?" Petunia had now started to sob uncontrollably. "For-for that m-matter, why go away to that awful school? We could- we could run away together! We could go where nobody knows us, like-like Canada . . .or, or the Oklahoma panhandle, or-"

"Honey, I can't. You know that my contract says that I at least have to go until the end of this season!" Harry looked as if he was about to cry himself.

"Harry, I can't bear to live without-" Petunia stopped in mid-sentence as she watched Harry rather randomly jump onto his bed and stare madly at his ceiling.

"Do you think it's coming from there?" he asked quickly, pointing at the ceiling, all of his symptoms of depression already gone.

"What on Earth are you talking about?" asked Petunia, tears still running down her face.

"The 'dramatic broken heart' music! I know it has to be coming from somewhere around here!" There was a wild look in Harry's eyes that made Petunia a bit nervous. After a few more moments of Harry trying to carefully inspect his ceiling for hidden speakers, Petunia finally lost it.

In a fit of angry tears, she screamed out, "Why do the writers have to hate me so? I've had the same boring love interest for God-knows how many years, my only child is an obese ninny, and my nephew/new secret lover is cracked! That's it! I'm leaving!" With that little monologue behind her, Petunia Dursley stormed out of the house and caught the first plane from Heathrow to Middle-of-Nowhere, Oklahoma, which took a while because not many major airlines regularly flew to the Oklahoma panhandle. The writers weren't very upset, as they had planned to write Petunia out of the script anyway, and this made for a much more dramatic exit.

"Petunia!" cried out Harry, and in anger he threw a conveniently placed lamp across the room. "God, my life sucks! My parents were brutally murdered, my godfather was murdered (in a very vague way that leaves it up in the air whether he's really dead or not . . .), this evil loon is trying to kill me, and now my only love interest has left me! I can't take this stress!"

"Um, Harry, I thought that Cho was your first love interest?" said a familiar voice from the other side of his room.

"Oh, Ginny! Thank goodness you're here!" exclaimed Harry, completely fogetting about Petunia and running across the room, which was now dark because Harry had thrown the only lamp. He paused suddenly when he remember what was supposed to have happened. "Why isn't Dumbledore here?" Harry could hear a loud sigh from Ginny's direction.

"One: the scene with Slughorn was going to be way too expensive, so that whole scene was cut and the details will simply be glossed over that he has returned. And two: stop calling me Ginny! It's giving me the creeps!" Harry gasped as the figure he had thought to be Ginny was suddenly illuminated with stage lights.

A/N: Well, that's the first episode!