One Shot #1: Babysitting with Kenpachi

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, I do not own Bleach, and I do not own Kuroshitsugi. I do own Jack and Jill and the storyline(s). Sigh. I made myself sad...

Warning: Language and insinuations of violence but nothing too bad.

A/N: This is my first published fanfiction. I have written others, but don't have enough confidence in them to publish them yet. I would appreciate any criticism that you could give me as my wonderful readers! I want to improve however I can.

Kenpachi could feel his eye twitch as the demon child clung to his pant leg, leaving sticky residue on the otherwise unstained garment. The kid wasn't a real demon. Nope, he'd actually prefer a demon. This midget was even worse than Yachiru on a sugar high.

"Heh heh, Kenpachi. Looks like you got a hitch hiker there." Said man growled in annoyance at the god damn blue-haired espada that was currently smirking in sadistic fucking glee at Kenpachi's, ahem, suffering. If the girls didn't fucking like Grimmjow's sarcastic comments, he would have beaten some sense into the arrancar a long damn time ago.

"Shut yer face, kitty cat. I ain't got nothing to say to ya. If you were doing yer job then I wouldn't have to fucking watch the kid the whole damn time." Kenpachi stopped. "Why the fuck are we watching the kid anyway?"

"Because Jack and Jill told us to watch him or Jack will freeze all our balls and Jill will then pour Gorilla Glue on them, stick goosedown on them, and lock us out of the house… naked." Ichigo was leaning nonchalantly against the opening to the kitchen. He had a button down shirt on, unbuttoned because of the huge gash across his chest. Most likely from his and Grimmjow's "spar" earlier. The girls would not be happy about that when they get back from their assassination mission. Especially not Jack since she always liked to run her tongue down Ichigo's chest. She always taunted him, saying that he tasted like sweet wild tangerines, making a veiled references to his bright orange hair color. Jill was the toucher. She was the one who flitted from person to person, giving odd, awkward touches wherever she went. Sometimes it was a poke behind the ear, other times it was a scratch between the eyes. To Kenpachi, Jill seemed too nice to be a killer, but looks were deceiving and she was partners with Jack…

"Ya better bandage that up, Ichi, or Jack'll torture and murder you for not taking care a yerself." Kenpachi didn't care really, but he would be minorly saddened by losing a strong opponent.

Ichigo smirked. "She would, wouldn't she? Well, I better go to the bathroom then. Grimm, you refill the bandages?"

"Yes, yer fucking highness. Now go away. You're ruining the view." Grimmjow flinched a tiny bit as Ichigo unleashed his spiritual pressure for just a second before leaving the room. Of course Grimmjow acted like he wasn't fazed by it, even though the espada harbored an everlasting grudge against the boy for almost killing him in the fight in Heuco Mundo. The catlike arrancar was an extremely proud person, er, hollow.

Kenpachi's attention was caught again as the demon boy began scribbling on the wall with a hot pink Sharpie. Where he found the marker, only God knows. He wished Yachiru was here; she was always good with children. She acted like one most of time so she was an expert on what goes on in their sticky-fingered, drool-covered heads.

But even Yachiru would have trouble with this one. Being Jack's little baby cousin, the tyke was an extremely quick learner and reeeeally, reeeeeeally determined and ruthless. He almost made Gaara, the Demon of the Sand, cry. If the child wasn't Jack's relative, Kenpachi would've killed it within an hour, and he guaranteed there would have been no protests. However, he was more afraid of Jack than he was annoyed by the kid. And that was a lot.

All of a sudden the kid stopped scribbling and turned to Kenpachi, and he threw the marker at Kenpachi's face. It hit, leaving a small pink line across his left cheekbone. Kenpachi just looked at the kid as he plopped his butt down on the floor and started wailing like a freaking foghorn. Gaara, Suigetsu, and Hidan, and Deidara rushed into the room. Gaara's eyes were wide but he didn't look too concerned about the boy. Suigetsu was staring at the kid like he was a weird monster that was currently invading his peaceful life (cough, cough, peaceful. Yeah right). Hidan was shouting about shutting the kid up or Jashin will have a new annoyance to deal with. Deidara was inching back towards the door, trying to get out wthout being seen or roped into anything… gross. Namely diaper duty. Grimmjow was maniacally laughing his ass off, head thrown back, and Kenpachi would have cheerfully slit his throat if he wasn't frozen in place with annoyance and murderous intent. He knew that if he moved, he would kill the kid. It was that simple.

"What the fuck did you do to the Jashin-damned kid, fucker? Are you stupid or something? Shut him up!"

Kenpachi just looked at Hidan and calmly walked out of the room. The others just looked at him as he left, then looked at the kid again. He was glaring at them all, tears and snot running down his face, and they all didn't want to be the one to give him a bath. Never again. Hidan desperately turned to Gaara, the only one in the room who wasn't a criminal. He was only a recovering psychotic murderer… ahem. "Fucking do something!"

Gaara threw him a skeptical look before warily approaching the toddler. He bent down, avoiding the grubby hands caked with God knows what, and gently yet awkwardly patted the kid's head. He could remember wanting someone to comfort him like that when he was younger. However, the boy just yelled louder, so Gaara picked him up and roughly passed him to Suigetsu. Suigetsu, having been in a tank for most of his recent life, had no idea how to deal with kids. Even bastard Sasuke probably would have been better if you could get his lazy ass up to do something about it. Normally he couldn't be bothered to do anything that wasn't purely selfish. Hidan took the opportunity to escape while everyone else was occupied. Suigetsu looked helplessly at Grimmjow, the oldest in the room, but took in the still drying blood on his chest and his extremely psychotic grin and thought better. So Suigetsu was stuck awkwardly holding the kid under his armpits, held out from his body just in case it had to poop.

Fortunately, like a stroke of luck, Kakashi, the perverted Copy Ninja, strolled in through the doorway, book out and at the ready. He obviously wasn't expecting a kid to be shoved in his arms, making him drop the beloved book. As he stared confusedly at the kid, he felt two gusts of air move past him and dart out the door. He could barely see a flash of white hair and a tan gourd before they were gone. He looked at Grimmjow.

"Mind giving me a hand?"

Grimmjow scoffed. "Heh, yer on your own, ninja. And I'm going to enjoy every second of your misery."

Kakashi sighed and walked through another doorway to the kitchen. He plopped the kid down on the table and stared at it. He saw Grimmjow come farther into the room through the corner of his eye. He tightened his lips, not that anyone could see it through the mask, and came to a decision. He retrieved his book from the floor and marched over to the boy. He would take one for the team. He put the book in the kid's lap and sat down. "There. Read it. You'll like it, I promise," he said, a cajoling lilt to his voice and visible eyebrow quirked. His eye widened and eyebrow raised very quickly as he watched in horror as the kid opened the book and started ripping out pages, tossing them into the air. Kakashi tried to get it away from the kid, but he couldn't without hurting the boy, so he gave up and watched in aggrieved resignation as the kid tore out at least half the pages and then threw the book at Kakashi, screaming "NO!"

Kakashi was a broken man. He had lived through wars, had his family and friends die, saw his beloved mentor sacrifice himself and his son's future to save the Leaf Village, but this… this was a line that had never been crossed before. He didn't know what to do. Of course he had multiple copies of the book in case he dropped one in water or someone… stole it, but that wasn't the point. It was the symbolism of it. That book was precious, it was a symbol of his village, of HIM to put it simply. Everyone knew him by the damn book, and to see it disrespected and treated with such disregard it was just… appalling.

Kenpachi came back into the room, considerably calmer than when he left, but he was still moving slowly and languidly, like a snake right before it strikes. Grimmjow could see it wouldn't take much to set him off, but he was too busy snickering and enjoying the Copy Nin's depression to care much. However, the kid zoomed in on the giant and immediately opened his mouth and let go of a screech that was even more annoying, more ear-piercing, and more murder-inducing than the first.

Kenpachi snapped.

Grimmjow barely had time to snatch up the kid, snap Kakashi out of his funk, and sprint out of the house before it exploded. Literally. Debris was falling from the sky, on fire, neighbors were coming over to make sure every one was okay and to call 911. Grimmjow just happily scared the shit out of them and watched them run back to their houses. Kakashi was a little better. He said they had it under control, it was a gas leak probably, and that they'd called the authorities already. The neighbors swallowed that explanation like candy, along with his fake smile. They didn't want to get involved anyway. They were all quite frightened of the house and its inhabitants, what with pained screams, crazy laughter, and explosions ringing out every day.

The others, aside from Kenpachi, had miraculously gotten out alright. Ulquiorra was just staring at the fire, wondering how the girls would react when they got back. He'd like to keep his balls, thank you very much. Deidara was also staring at the flames, crying in ecstasy at the unexpected explosion that he. Didn't. Do. He'd always loved surprises, one of the reasons why he and Sasori never got along. The puppets liked plans. Deidara was an improviser.

Ichigo was just glad that everyone was unhurt. Well, Kenpachi could take care of himself. He wasn't worried about the brute. He was irritated that his wound reopened after flashstepping out of the house. Yep, no sudden movements for a while, at least a week. And that meant no training, which meant Ichigo was not a happy camper.

Sebastian, poor little forgotten Sebastian, was in mourning. He had just spent the day cleaning up everyone messes, yes, even the child's, and now the house that he took so much pride in, was ruined. Oh, he knew the girls would just buy another one, probably more lavish than this one. After all, Jack had always wanted a fountain… but he would still mourn this house. He wasn't fickle after all. No, he was just a butler. One hell of a butler. Kind of.

Gaara had never liked loud noises or unexpected events, so he was experiencing a bit of trauma at the moment. Basically, he was crouched on the grass, hands on his head, rocking gently back and forth. If he had been thinking, he could have summoned some more sand from beneath the earth and used it to douse the fire, but give him a break. He has problems.

Hidan loved destruction, but he liked having a place to live more. So, needless to say, he was NOT happy, and he was making his displeasure known to the few neighbors who had not trickled back to their homes. Painfully, mercilessly, and with a lot of blood thrown in.

And last but not least, Suigetsu. He was terrified and furious at the same time. Why? Well, Suigetsu was made of water. And ignoring the fact that water douses fire, a lot of fire evaporates water. Must more be said? He hated fire, and fire was currently eating away at his house. What is there, pray tell, to like?

As each of our much loved… erm, people, stood around and tended to their individual problems, Kenpachi was in the backyard enjoying the silence only broken by the crackling flames. He did regret not grabbing the marshmallows before murdering the house. Roasted marshmallows sounded good right now. Due to his calm state of mind, he was the only one who sensed the black car coming up the street. The two females in the car saw the red-orange glare of the fire and looked at each other. The taller one in the driver's seat looked over at her blonde companion and smirked. "You owe me twenty bucks, Jill."

And the boy… well, let's just say that it was a good thing no one was paying him any attention at the moment because if they were to glance at the boy's grubby, seemingly innocent face, they would see how the flames reflected and danced in his dark irises, and how his nearly toothless grin was turned menacing and threatening by the shadows the flames threw across his face as he clapped his hands and jiggled in delighted laughter.

Deidara would have an apprentice in the soon to be future.

THE END