Can't post this for another 12 hours... Oh well. Chapter one of Godric Gilderoy and the chamber of secrets part 1.9:
For readers that have never heard of Harry Potter, it is the story of a boy who abandons his muggle parents (his aunt and uncle) for a life of swashbuckling magic adventures, and ultimately he realizes his destiny of being the chosen one when he defeats Voldemort, a seriously evil wizard. At one point in his zany adventures (with lovestricken sidekicks Hermione and Ron) Harry uses his parcelmouth to go under the sink in the girl's lavatorium where he attempts to blindly fight a Basilisk. For readers unfamiliar with Basilisks, they are ruthless snake overlords, no longer than twelve fingers in the Muggle world, but in the wizarding world they can shapeshift into gigantic serpents with centipede-leg-style snake-teeth. They can kill with a glance or paralyze with a sideways glance. Their only weakness is weasels, particularly their tangy scent. To confront the mighty Basilisk Harry brings his trusty sidequick Ron and legendary elite suave handsome idiot Gilderoy Lockheart. And this is that story.
Resplendent Gilderoy stood with his back to the giant waterslide entrance. The dingy cave had a choking wetness, an oppressive cold air that fought its way bitterly into the pit of Gilderoy's lungs. He surveyed the dark ahead, and was reminded that the only reason he was down there was because the twelve year old boys ahead of him had pushed him into the mouth of the waterslide. Well old Gil would get the last laugh here! A Book aBout a Basilisk. The book that changed the wizarding world (with the magic of words!) A story of how poor country bumblebee Ron Weasley and washed-up child star Harry Potter lost their tiny minds and Gilderoy Lockheart was forced to casually save the day. A classic tale of man, thwarting horrible monsters with cutting sly remarks. Gilderoy would get someone else to do all the real work of course. The true talent in these things was in the writing, anyways. The "action" came and went. But his words were truth, for the rest of time.
The only thing Gilderoy needed was a wand. He had lost his... Somehow. He honestly doesn't remember - don't bother looking it up in the books, it's really a terrible misrepresentation of actual events. Smooth as a snake Gilderoy slid up to Ron. His eyes fixed on the Weasley's loose fingers. He licked his lips. And heroically lunged!
Ron reacted far too late. In a moment Gilderoy had the wand in his hand and pointed straight at Harry, before he could raise his own.
"Well boys, it seems this is the end. But don't worry. You will be remembered as heroes, poor young souls with bright futures that went all too dim all too soon. All in my books. Oh Ron your sister is definitely dead by the way. Think of this as a favour - you won't have to see her all lifeless and inhuman. You see boys I am rather gifted with memory charms. Can't have the real heroes going all blabby once my books are out - bad for the presses. I could go on, but why bother?" He smiled and brandished the twisted wand clumsily through the air.
"móros!" he yelled at the end of his breath.
A red light spun from the tip of Gilderoy's wand. The flash encompassed both boys, the light seeming to split through their heads. But the spell also managed to echo off the stony walls and the entrance (and more importantly exit) to the cave collapsed! Gilderoy was trapped!
"Euuuuuh, uh, hmmm wot hit my hed?" stuttered Ron, gingerly rubbing his temples.
"I think your cave has collapsed" stated Harry, staring at Gilderoy blankly from behind his dusty round glasses.