Devil's Advocate

Bartering 1.1

I rubbed my eyes, partly in a motion of weariness, partly one of exasperation, and partly one of disbelief. The object of my exhaustion, exasperation, and disbelief stood before me, arms crossed and goat head – somehow – bearing a shit-eating grin. Red skin rippled over obscenely bulging muscles, dainty, clawed hands resting on his biceps. His shaggy, goat-legged lower half remained in an easy stance, although the backwards-bending knee was creeping me out.

Hell, the whole fucking thing was creeping me out.

Around us, mist drifted, a pale sun glimmering weakly beyond the clouds. The being before me shifted as a patch of sunlight raced across his slit eyes, and he tucked a lock of straight hair behind a ram's horn.

"Well?" He asked, in a ridiculously smooth, deep baritone. It sounded... bizarre, coming from that absurd goat head. "Are you going to accept?"

"Lemme just..." I paused momentarily and rubbed my temples. "Lemme just run over the terms again." I took a breath. The being before me snorted and turned, facing off into the imperceptible distance. "So, I will be given a form of... Immortality, and in exchange, I'll be sent on a trip throughout realities to perform a 'small task,'" I raised my fingers in air quotes, "in each, and in exchange..." The goat-man-thing turned to face me again. "You take my soul."

"That about sums it up." He smiled, sharply filed canines became visible in the goat's mouth. "I take it you'll accept?" A black tongue, forked, darted out of his mouth at the words, briefly flickering over his teeth.

"Hell no!" I yelled heatedly. "I'm not giving you my fucking soul! What kind of idiot would take that deal?!"

"You'd be surprised." The being – honestly, the only way to refer to it was as the Devil – replied, blasé. "Anyway, really, I'm offering you a loophole of sorts. You don't have much use for a soul."

"Not much use for a-!" I began, becoming indignant in my disbelief.

The Devil cut me off. "The only use for your soul is as a test of purity. It records all your good and evil deeds. If you don't have one, then you spend an eternity in Purgatory – or if you're unlucky, you take the express line to Hell."

"THEN WHY THE HELL WOULD I GIVE YOU-!" I roared this time, my old anger flaring.

"Because that particular downside only comes into effect upon your death." The Devil's voice cut right through my words, despite his voice being so much quieter. "And as I am offering you immortality..."

"... Oh." I paused, trying to wrap my head around this whole thing. "But-"

"Listen, kid," the Devil sighed, holding up a hand. "You died, alright? Buuut, fortunately enough for you, something came up. Some pure-hearted idiot made a dying wish, and those fucking brain-dead angels granted it without thorough research." He shook his head, before taking on a high, mocking voice. "'Oh, look at me, I'm wishing for all the heroes to have a happy ending, I'm such a saint!' What a poser. Now we've got a potentially multiversal crisis on our hands and- well, the details aren't important. I just need to know if we have a deal."

I remained speechless for a moment. Then I shook my head. "Maybe if you told me what this small task was-"

"Okay, in essence," that freaking Devil cut me off again, "The dying idiot's wish got granted multiversal approval, because dying wish, pure of heart, et cetera et cetera. Unfortunately, what he angels didn't take into account was that one fucking wish cannot alter all of fucking reality. So now, all those stories you loved have been thrown into fucking disarray. It's fucking chaos in the timeline, and we've been snatching up deadoes to put things back on track. I want you to take on a few of the more vexing cases. The last few guys did a terrible job, so you need to fix that shit up. Unfortunately, deals with the devil and all, I need your soul to maintain balance. So, I take your soul, you get immortality while you deal with the alternate realities, and once the job is done, I put in a good word for you with the saints manning Purgatory."

"... Why the fuck am I not freaking out right now?" I whispered to myself, and dropped to the floor bonelessly, seating myself cross-legged. The Devil joined, floating a few inches of the ground as he dropped.

"Well, it's a little hard to feel emotions when you're dead." The Devil said. "Listen," here he took on a slightly more comforting tone. "I just need you to pop over to your favourite fictional worlds, pretend to be the bad guy for a little bit and scare the heroes back on track. It's that, or spend a few centuries in Purgatory while the guys upstairs hemm and haww over whether you should get in."

Carrot and the fucking stick, I thought bitterly. He's the fucking Devil, what did I expect.

Said Devil remained silent as I contemplated his words. Then I let out a harsh bark of laughter. "How the fuck am I supposed to be the bad guy? I'm just a dumb teen. I don't know shit about making a master plan or-"

"You don't have to." The Devil replied rising to his feet. He seemed to sense my weakening reluctance. "You have enough of knowledge of where you're going to at least get started. And the space where your soul used to be means you have plenty of room for whatever magical abilities you pick up along the way."

I perked up at that. As shallow as it was, wasn't it everyone's dreams to be able to do the impossible? To break the laws of physics and create something out of nothing?

The Devil grinned. I could almost picture him thinking to himself, hook, line, aaaannnnd...

"... Fine." I muttered.

Sinker!

~/DA\\~

I woke up woozy. Normally I was fairly clear-headed in the mornings, but today I felt a harsh, staticky buzz in the back of my brain, like a chainsaw roaring in the distance. My mouth felt furry and dry, my lips were cracked, and I was hoarse as a motherfucker.

I levered myself into a sitting position from where I was slumped, raw, harsh, hacking coughs tearing themselves from my throat. I blinked as I climbed unsteadily to my feet. I blinked woozily and peered around. I was... On a porch? It looked like some feudal-era Japan bullshit – sliding paper doors, and trees with sakura blossoms. Past the house there was a dirt road, winding through an opening and leading out onto a cliff path of some kind. I blinked again and looked down.

I was dressed in some... casual-slash-fancy-looking red and black garb, loose trousers terminating in... sandals? And this 'shirt...' It was clearly summer, but it was open-chested and sleeveless. Wasn't that a little over the top?

As I pondered my state of dress, and what was actually going on, the paper door to my left slammed open. An old man leaned out, wrinkly leather skin creasing in consternation as he gazed around. When his eyes had examined the portion of the house to his left, they swung over to me, and those squinted eyes widened, mouth downturned, and teeth bared.

"Hey!" He yelled in a vaguely Chinese accent. Well, maybe not Chinese. Some kind of Asian, though. "What are you doing on my property!?"

"Oh, um, I'm sorry, mister-" I began apologetically, but he bulldozed over my words.

"Pia-Ling!" He yelled, whipping his head round to face the house. "Grab the broom! There's an intruder!"

There was a muffled sound from within the house, and the old man withdrew completely from the house and advanced, an old broom clutched tightly in his creaky, arthritic fists.

"Now, uh, please just wait a minute," I protested. "This is all a big misunderstanding-!"

"Hee-YAH!" The old man screeched as a war cry, jumping forward in a manner far too athletic for a main of his age, and brought the broom down solidly on my head. The bristles scratched at my face as I backpedaled. The old man continued to advance. "I! Will! Not! Tolerate! Trespassers!" With each word he brought the wooden broom down solidly on my head. I had backed away with each hit and we were now standing beside the rustic house.

"Please, if you'd just let me explain-!" I tried again, because as annoying as this was I really didn't want to have to hurt the old man.

"You! Will! Explain! Nothing- Gah!" As he swung the broom down with that final word, I grew angry. I hated when miscommunication lead to fighting, and this rancid old fucker wouldn't listen! I shot both hands up in a cross-guard to block the broom, fury filling my motions and as I did so...

"ENOUGH!"

*WHOOSH*

Two jets of flame shot out of my palms. The one from my right dissipated harmlessly into the open air. The blast from my left, however...

Dry wooden walls blazed into life, and roaring flames crackled as they consumed the entire right wall in an instant. The old man, however, only had eyes for me. He had fallen backwards onto his back, broom clattering to the floor as the tips of the bristles smoked. Fear leant his old eyes animation and he quavered in fright, trembling.

"F-Firebender..." He muttered. I backed away a step. Muffled coughs were heard from inside the still blazing building, and the old man's head whipped round to it. "Pia!" He yelled, trying to scramble to his feet, but his back had given out and he could only collapse onto his front and crawl towards the paper door. I stepped forward, intent on helping him up, but he wailed in fear. "Stay back! Don't hurt me! Please! PIA!"

An old woman stumbled out of the house as I stood frozen in horror. Soot streaked her face, hair and clothes, her robes smoking slightly. Even as she let out several hacking coughs, She hurried over to where her husband lay, and fell to her knees beside him. As she cradled him in her arms, the blazing house still crackling away, fury and fear in her eyes, she turned to me.

"Run, Firebender. Run, or kill me right now." She muttered, voice dead with fury. Her husband whimpered in her arms.

I ran.

~/DA\\~

The cliff path lead down below a mountainside, winding through the forest and terminating in a small village. I stumbled along the path, half-running and half-tripping, tears blurring my vision. I hadn't wanted to- I hadn't meant to- I didn't want to-!

I gulped down a breath and swallowed. I was hungry and thirsty and tired. I hadjust set a house ablaze and nearly killed an elderly couple. I was in dire need of shelter. I needed to get to that village.

I stumbled through the forest and collapsed to my knees, completely blind to where I was going. I put my arms out in front of me, falling to the floor, and heaved a few shuddering breaths. I hadn't even done that much, but I could already feel the adrenaline flooding out of my system, leaving me shaky and jittery. I felt physically ill at the suffering I'd caused – suffering that had taken less than ten minutes.

I lay on my side, breathing heavily, stared into the blue sky, and began to drift...

~/DA\\~

So, I haven't written anything in a while, but like the scumlord I am I decided to start something new – a Multiverse SI. Please leave feedback, I know I'm not too great of a writer, but I do want to improve. Thanks.