His name escapes me
I will remember him when I see him again
But I do not define myself by the men I have known
Or by their clothes
And neither should you
-Koriand'r
-.-
She remembers meeting Andre Harris when she's young, naïve, and just shy of fifteen.
He's new to her school and by simply giving him a glance-over, Jade can tell that he feels completely lost. She doesn't blame him, really, specially not given the almost tackily-grand and oppressive design that the private academy they attended contained.
In a moment of compassion, she approaches him when she notices that he's been staring at a printout of his class schedule for the past four minutes, scratching the dreads at the base of his head in confusion, and still seeming to have no idea in which direction to head.
"Kinda lost there, aren't ya?" she teases him, but he can tell she means no harm and smiles at her, instead.
He introduces himself, explaining how his family just moved to her hometown from his own, in Brooklyn, and sheepishly admitting to having a hard time getting acquainted and fitting in. He's shy (almost painfully so), but kind, and everything about him screams safety and comfort; security and peace.
He's so completely different to everyone else she knows, despite being a city boy, that all Jade wants to do is stick him in a room where she can keep him to herself, away from the corruption that they all inevitably fell to.
He makes her feel balanced, and all they are is friends.
It's not until more than six weeks later he musters enough courage to ask her out on a date.
He mumbles his question more than anything, stuttering over himself and almost guiltily staring at the floor while expecting her rejection. It makes her feel a special kind of tingle right below her ribcage to witness how much she means to him; how seriously this boy with the beautiful and innocent soul wants to be with her, and she accepts without a second of doubt and a scoffed, "took you long enough."
After a month of long walks through the park and enough hot chocolates to satisfy even the most relentless of children, she becomes his girlfriend.
Everything feels perfect.
Because Andre stands by her in every moment that she needs him, without any sort of pause or hesitation. He pushes her to resume her piano lessons, more often than not appointing himself as her instructor. He reminds her to finish her homework and studies with her on the weekends and during breaks. When he turns sixteen and a half he gets his first car and he's always waiting outside her door on weekday mornings with a smile and moderate cup of tea (even though he knows for a fact she'd rather have a large coffee, with two sugars and no cream, obviously) because it's good for her and he wants her to be happy.
He takes her home to meet his grandmother, warning her about the more-than-likely screams she'll be submitted to, but caring enough to want the woman to like her.
"You don't have to," she'd tried to tell him, half-scared out of her mind that the woman would hate her, and fully terrified he'd leave her if she did.
"I know," he replied, squeezing her fingers before pulling her in for a hug. "But I want to. My grandma, she means the world to me. She was my guide, before she lost her mind, and now I get to be hers." He paused. "You and her are everything I've got."
He doesn't judge her when she starts to cry.
He's okay with the emotional stuff. He understands that she's a teenage girl and that sometimes she wakes up angry at the world and other times a single gesture is enough to make her lose her mind. He tells her that he knows all the best things in life don't come easy, and that it'll take more than a harsh word or a rude shove for her to get rid of him.
Jade's not sure how in the world he's become so patient and understanding, but she thinks it must be the musician in him. The one he hides from the world, but she gets to see.
So often, and in so many ways.
Her favorite has to be when he writes her pretty songs and leaves them in her locker for her to find on random early mornings, though. They're always about a beautiful girl who can light up the world and is free and independent and brave with a heart of gold. They describe smiles that are sincere and eyes that sparkle true with love.
They make her smile. He makes her smile.
He's sweet and loyal and so very warm, and it makes her feel like she's finally found a missing piece of her to call home. The part that makes her feel complete.
Andre never lets go of her hand, even when her nails dig into the skin of his palms and she just wants him to give in.
He's the first boy Jade ever really loves. The first one that matters.
And it's insane but she's seventeen and all she can think about is how she loves him and how she wants to marry him and everything else in her life can gladly take a backseat as long as she gets to keep this boy who loves her and makes her feel safe and loved and cherished forever.
But then her parents get a divorce.
Her father has a mistress. Her father has a seven year-old son with his mistress. Suddenly, Jade realizes that she has a brother; half-brother, as her mother so eloquently stresses while she scrambles to keep up appearances.
Jade feels angry and betrayed and everyone around her pushes her to bury the new emotions running through her body deep inside her heart. She's reminded of how she's an Anders, too, not just a West, and how it's her responsibility and duty to hold her head high and remind everyone who she is and where she belongs. She knows she'll be devour by her world if she doesn't, and her family will always be second-to-none.
Because she's still a good girl, she tries.
She tries, pushing and shoving everything until she feels like she's suffocating.
It's a pretense that she gets used to, this persona that is strong and cold and hardened. She likes it; it makes her feel guarded. It doesn't take her long to notice how quickly others will quiver in fear if she makes just the right comment or arches her eyebrows in a certain way. People stop talking the moment she walks into a room, and if they were speaking of her, none of them are brave enough to admit it.
She starts writing a lot.
Jade thinks it's a suitable medium. She gets the chance to express everything she feels without having to be scared of someone finding out her secrets and using them against her. Nobody cares how hurt or sad or angry her words are, or that she can spend hours sitting isolated from the world without feeling alone.
Except Andre.
Because he's not a quiet person by nature. He likes rhythms and music and noise and inspiration. He likes to be out in the sunlight by the beach or walking in a park or watching street performers and joining in.
"Come with me," he pleads one night, more than three months after her whole world flips around, grabbing onto her hand and pressing a kiss to her lips.
She pulls away, and he doesn't miss the way her arms skillfully slip out of his and wrap around herself. "Not right now, I've got stuff to do."
He furrows his eyebrows, dropping his gaze from hers and sighing in defeat before walking away with his hands stuffed inside his pockets.
The guilt that floods her over the joy she feels when he walks away to leave her alone is almost devastating.
Jade finds a new song in her locker the next morning. It's about a girl who lights up the world with her smile and is beautiful and brave and kind. It breaks her heart. Because it's a love letter from her boyfriend to the girl used to be. And although a part of her wants to find him and tell him she loves him and that she wants to be with him and to please forgive her for being so distant and mean, an overwhelming part of her is just angry. Furious.
She isn't the girl he wants back, and she doesn't want to be her either.
Jade can't comprehend why he won't assimilate that she's not that person anymore. And if he truly loved her, shouldn't he love this new side of her as well? Wasn't that what love was about? Growing and changing and accepting? Rather than just expecting the person you met at fifteen to stay the same for the rest of their lives?
Shouldn't the fact that her whole life was a lie be a reasonable excuse for her personality to change? For her to grow into who she wants to be, or who she needs to be?
She doesn't know.
All she knows is that doesn't want to smile anymore. She can't, and she won't.
And he can't force her to.
So she skips class for the rest of the day. She drives out to the only decent music store by the edge of town and dumps her bag on one of the empty tables before making her way to the Classic Rock section.
"Honestly, you look more like a Beatles kind of girl to me."
She snaps her eyes up to meet the cocky grin staring at her and a frown forms on her face. "Obviously, you don't know me very well."
"Actually, I think I know you just fine."
"Excuse me," she scoffs, arching an eyebrow. "but you don't know me."
He laughs. "We go back to when you were in pigtails. Should I be shocked or hurt that you don't remember me?"
Jade narrows her eyes at him, forcing her memory to focus on him and try to remember what the hell he was talking about. Light skin, with black hair and blue eyes. Tall. Well-built. Too confident for his own good. It was his expression though. The glint of mischief and trouble and danger. The way the edges of his lips angle in just the right position for a perfected smirk that is both arrogant and playful to spread across his face.
A light goes off, and Jade groans as she remembers exactly who he is.
"Ryder Daniels," she declares, before laughing. "The last time I saw you I was nine years old and you were wearing glasses and had just gotten your braces put in."
He cringes. "Yeah, let's not talk about that."
"Consider it payback for the 'pigtails' comment."
"Well, you've certainly don't got those now," he winks at her, a crooked smile on his lips, and she doesn't miss the way his eyes scan her body, spending more time on her chest and hips than he should before he licks his lips. "Tell me what else has changed, because you're not the little girl I left behind at all."
"God, you have no idea," she blurts out, and the emotion that washes over her out of that fact is so joyful and pure that it makes her want to cry. Because it's true.
He doesn't know her, and he doesn't pretend to, either.
It's liberation and freedom.
He has no expectations of her; no preconceived idea of who she's supposed to be. All he has of her are memories of a nine year-old version of herself who used to cry when he'd put dirt and leaves into her French braid while they were in his backyard. He's not expecting her to be sweet and kind and strong and perfect, but he's interested anyways. She's been around enough boys to know what they think about when they're near her, and Ryder is no exception.
"How about I take you out for a coffee and you start letting me find out?"
They both know what he's offering is not just a hot drink and friendly banter while they reminiscence over the good ol' times.
Jade stops for a moment, closing her eyes. She thinks about Andre and his song and his love that was sweet and pure and honest. She thinks about the way he made her feel and how all she really had to do was try to go back to what she was and who he fell in love with to feel all of that again. She remembers the meticulous plan she had for her life with him, back when she still believed in True Love and Happily Ever After and how if anyone could ever be Prince Charming in real life, it would be Andre Harris. She reminds herself that if she was willing to give up her fight and just give in and go back she could still have it all and Andre would never let go of her hand.
"Two sugars, no cream. And you're buying," Jade finally replies, smiling as she opens her eyes.