"Four boys, is enough, right?" Kate huffed. She fell into her desk chair. Ryan and Esposito looked at her with confused eyes.
"Sure," Kevin stumbled. He shared at look with his friend. "Why do you ask?" Kate scratched her head. She shook it again then dove into paperwork.
"Castle pushing for more?" Esposito asked. Kate didn't react. "You want more?" She still didn't react. Esposito gasped loudly and full of fear. "Are you pregnant?" he said the words with disgust. Kate froze just slightly.
"You're pregnant!" Ryan shouted across the bullpen. Everyone froze, but Kate. She moved into the breakroom and started to make coffee. So many detectives full of fear ignored everything that had happened in the past five minutes. Ryan scrambled to get to the breakroom. He slammed the door shut and stalked over to Beckett. Seriously, they send little Ryan? She thought.
"What?" she snapped.
"You have four children," he spat. She nodded with an eye roll. "You're trying for another? What you finally want a girl?" Beckett glared at him.
"Ryan, stop while you're ahead," she warned.
"You have four children. All boys! Do you know how lucky you are? You got pregnant on your first try! Then you get twins. Finally, you end with Smo another boy! He's three. You want another child? You want to go through diapers, spit up, crying, cribs, and another Castle? You're lucky, Beckett. But you're older now. You can put the baby in danger. Why are you trying? Do you know how long it took Jenny and I to get pregnant with number one? Let alone the next one that we were lucky was a boy." He glared at her.
She snapped. Her finger dug into his chest and she backed him up into a wall. "Kevin, I know how lucky I am. If you think for one second I don't know, I will shoot you myself with no regret. I know I have four boys. I know how long it took you and Jenny to get pregnant. I cried for over a year when we got pregnant with Smo, because I knew you two were trying so hard. Meanwhile, Castle and I have three healthy boys all happy and easily brought. I pray every day for you two. I know you are trying again, don't lie."
Ryan swallowed thickly, but didn't back down. He opened his mouth for more, but she beat him to it. "I love each of your children, my children, and Esposito's future children. I know I was lucky to get pregnant once, twice, three times was a blessing. Hell, all were blessings. I was overly blessed to have twins. Healthy twins. But one thing you and Esposito never knew." She stopped.
Ryan narrowed his eyes. "What?" he still spat.
"We lost another." Ryan gasped. "Joe and Nico are identical, but there was a third with them at first." Kate got tears in her eyes. "We lost the third at two months. Put the boys in more danger. They're identical, so there was already more risk. But when we lost the third, we almost lost the two. Not only did we almost loose the twins, but Nico had a lot of trouble in the womb. Joe was taking all the supplies. He came out so tiny. I didn't even get to hold him when they came out." She was now full out crying.
"They were in the NICU for three weeks. Three weeks," she sobbed. "I wasn't allowed to hold Nico for two days. Then when I did Joe fell. You were there. You watched us cry and pray our boys would survive a few days. We felt so bad that we couldn't do anything. Twins are supposed to be safe, Kevin." She wiped her tears. She turned away for a second. "So when we got pregnant with Smo, we thought we'd gotten our third back. And we feel like we did. Smo was healthy, two days early, talkative, and everything a baby can be to be perfect.
"I still cry for you and Jenny. Some days I even wished you had had Smo, not us." She bit her lip hard. "Do you know how guilty I feel for thinking that? How guilty Castle and I feel for having Smo? Jack prays with us for you and Jenny. Jack! He barely speaks, but says the words 'Let Jenny and Kevin Ryan be blessed with all the children they want' perfectly."
"Kate," Kevin whispered. Kate scratched the tears away.
"Don't blame me, Ryan. I already blame me." She turned away. Kevin wanted to hug her, but the question still remained. He cautiously spoke, quietly.
"So, are you pregnant?" He cringed. Kate didn't say anything. She turned, grabbed her coffee, and walked out of the breakroom. She ignored the people who scattered by the breakroom windows. Ryan tagged her heels.
Before he could ask again, she said, "We're not talking about this again. Tell Esposito. And if you repeat anything you heard, I will kill you."
"Jenny?"
"Only Smo and his story," she whispered. Ryan smiled. His eyes told her he'd be hugging her and kissing her cheeks if she wasn't so angry.
An hour later, Kate was running down to the morgue. She blew through the doors and shouted, "Lanie, we need to talk!"
Lanie jumped. "Katherine Castle, what have I told you about doing that?" she scolded her like a child.
"What have I told you about calling me Katherine Castle?" Kate tilted her head, fire in her eyes. "I need to talk to you, now." She stressed. Lanie waved her hand and Kate took her seat on an empty slate. "Four boys is enough, right?" Lanie double looked.
"Are you pregnant? I told you! I told you you'd get pregnant again! I knew you weren't done." Lanie cheered and twirled.
"Lanie! I need you to answer my question."
"Well." Lanie froze. "Yes. Four boys is enough. You have your hands full. Four kids period is enough. But for me I'd stop at one. You could go on and on, though. Really, you're a good Mom. And you love kids. At first you were wary, but you've not only got a knack for it, but an ease. You stumble and stuff, but you really handle it well. Castle too. You're good parents. You've got a few years left you could have a few more."
"Yeah, yeah. I know. But is it enough? Four? Four boys?" Lanie took a moment to think. She finally turned to Kate straight on.
"Is it enough for you?" Kate bite her lip hard. "It's not?" She squinted her eyes. "Did you talk to Castle? Maybe four's enough for him. Maybe he has too much on his hands. It's one thing if you're pregnant, but. Wishes."
"Castle is iffy, I think. Last night while he was sleeping he mumbled about a sixth." Lanie eyes widened. Kate put a hand up. "Not like that. We have five kids. Alexis is our five. I say we have four, but we have five. If you ask Castle, he'll always say five. But last night he said six."
"Are you sure it was about kids? Your kids? Because we've had Castle Sleep Talk conversations before about things that had nothing to do with what it really was."
"No. It was about kids." Kate shook her head holding her lip tightly in her clutches. "Our kids. I know it." Kate stared longingly at the floor. "I'm lucky. Really lucky. Ryan told me that today."
"You talked to Ryan about this." Lanie flew her hands in the air. "Ryan? Are you insane? You talked to the man who has trouble getting his own kids about your wish for a fifth?"
"It wasn't like that. When getting to work, I still had four boys enough on my mind and it slipped out. The boys asked and I walked away. Ryan cornered me and told me how lucky I am and how he doesn't think it's right for us to be trying."
"What'd you say?"
"I told him about our prayers and the third." She shook her head. Lanie gasped. Kate and Castle never talked about the third. Never. Only between the two of them. None of the boys knew, Alexis and Martha and Jim never ask because they know how much it hurt the pair, and no one but Lanie and the close family knew. Castle didn't want to tell anyone. It didn't feel right to tell the boys.
"What'd he say?"
"I didn't let him say anything. I asked him not to tell anyone. I feel guilty, Lanie."
"Talk to Castle."
…
Kate waited until all four of the boys were knocked out in beds. After two hours of wrestling with Mom and Dad, dinner, cookies, and story time. Kate wanted the talk to be special, but was still feeling guilty. Castle wanted to have a romantic night. They hadn't had one in a while, but she wanted to have the talk before they had the do. "Castle," she whispered. He narrowed his eyes.
"Is this the sex talk again? Beckett," he whined. "I know how it all works. I know where babies come from. I've made a few. I know our safe-word, and if I remember correctly we haven't had to use it in a few years."
"Castle," she pleaded. He sat down on the bed with a serious and scared face. She sat down next to him. "We'll take a bath in a second, just first. Is it wrong to want a sixth?" she cringed.
"What?" he didn't get it. She leaned into him and hid her face with her hands.
"A sixth. A baby. It feels wrong, but so right. All I can keep thinking about it Ryan and Jenny and you and me and the boys and Alexis. I don't know if it's just that time of year or Smo turning three, but I want another." She didn't look him in the eye. He pulled her hands down and looked her straight in the eyes.
"First of all, it's Cosmo, not Smo. You know how I feel about that." Kate's smile was full of water. "Ryan and Jenny are getting all our prayers and are happy right now. I know they're trying, you said. But a while back Ryan and I had a conversation. I had the Dad talk with him." Kate raised a brow. "I asked him how he was doing everything, what he was doing, if he was using it right." Kate giggled. She fell into him. "Yes the Dad talk. The talk I don't want to have to have for another few years. He said he was happy with his girl and boy."
"Why didn't you tell me?" she whimpered.
"You were still crying about Smo, Cosmo." He corrected himself with a tongue tick. Kate giggled again. "It was a Man talk. I didn't think you had business there. This is not a thing about males and females. It was a gut thing. Kind of like the thing you're talking about now." Kate burrowed deeper into his chest. "I don't know if you're serious about it though because you won't look me in the eye."
She closed her eyes and pulled back. "I'm scared you think it's silly or that I'm not happy with what we have, or that your hands are already full." He rubbed her cheeks. He kissed each eyelid.
"I know you love what we have. I know you're in love with our boys and me. I know you love Alexis. I'd never second guess that, Kate. Your thoughts are never silly to me. Except the ones that think Superman and Batman are better than me. Those are just insane." His eyes widened. Kate belly laughed. "Good, laughing. That's good." She kissed his lips. "Kissing, better." He grinned widely. "My hands are full, yes but in a good way. You have no idea how much help you are though. The fact that you spend basically all weekends with them and leave me to write, is amazing." He kissed her lips.
"It helps a lot that you take Jack to and from kindergarten and the twins to preschool. That you take Jack to speech twice a week, the only times he goes. That you go in a seven and leave a five or six. That you fought to get those hours and that you rarely break those times. That you let me tag along on cases twice a week. That you drag Smo to preschool twice a week so I only have to do it twice. That five days a week you have one hour lunches and you take two days off to take one boy on their own to lunch. They all get a turn for four weeks of the month. The other day you take off you play games with me." He grinned wider.
"You still haven't answer my question."
"I'm getting there. While you take the boys on adventures, I write and sleep. You took eleven months off, on 'medical leave' when you have the twins. That gave you ten months with Jonah and Nico. That you added an extra two months to your maternity leave with Smo." He chuckled. "Gates hated you almost as much as she hates me. She threatened to fire you."
"Good thing my cases all passed, and I did actually get shot when they twins were two months old. So medical leave was real."
"You were grazed on the bicep. Even you said that. You milked it till she threatened to fire you."
"You pushed me back in." She hid her face once more.
"Because you love it. With Smo you even passed cases while feeding him, chasing three toddlers, and seducing me."
"You made it so easy," she purred.
"More like you're very sexy." He kissed her cheek. She saucily threw him a grin. "You help a lot. Too much at times, because you come home after working all day and taking one of the boys to lunch and taking Jack to and from school plus to a speech session and you look like you need to collapse. I know you think I can't handle all of them at once, but I can do a little more. I can take Jack to speech, and take Smo, Nico, and Joe to school."
She shook her head. "I won't be a good Mom if I don't do those things." Rick opened his mouth. She covered it with her hand. "I get very little time alone with each boy. Mostly Nico and Joe. They are always a pair. Going out to lunch with the boys, is never going to change. If we add one more, we add one more. Smo gets mornings with me, so you can take an extra day of preschool, that'd be great. But I'm keeping one day. I love how he dances down the street." She giggled.
"Nico and Joe get most of their Mommy time during the lapses between dropping Jack off and me dropping them off. They crave it, I can tell." She huffed. "So you can't take that away. You need all the time to write, otherwise you're up in the middle of the night and have no time for when the boys come home or for us to actually share a bed. I still have odd hours and sharing a bed is something I love." Kate laid down and pulled him with her.
"Well that good. We can make those changes."
"Baby?" She bite her lip.
"I'd love another one. Our schedules would mix just fine. The twins already share a room, and Jack tucks himself in with Smo all the time."
"But…?"
"Close your eyes." She didn't hesitate, he knew she was excited. "Picture our family Christmas card."
"Rick it's February."
"Kate." She did. "Tell me what you see."
She sighed heavily. "I see Jack with his arms around Nico and Joe. Smo being hung upside down by you. Maybe Alexis peeking her head out from behind you. And…" She smiled.
"Tell it all."
"A green bundle in my arms," she rushed. Rick kissed her head.
"I can picture it." Kate buzzed with excitement. She opened her eyes to see his glimmering eyes. She felt something was off.
"What is it?"
"Last night I had a dream," he whispered. Kate jumped to start talking about said dream but he continued. "I was sitting across from a man. We were talking about my new bio for the book. We talked about you and your job and how you're still a cop and a mom. We talked about Alexis and how she's doing her own thing but still a big part of our lives. We talked about Mother and how she is our fleeting parenting inspiration." Kate nodded enthusiastically. "Then we got to our kids." Something dark flashed across his face. "He asked me if we should name them all or just put how many lived with us or how many we have." His brow furrowed.
"What?"
"This is where it gets confusing. I told him the number, but I couldn't hear it. It bothered me in sleep. He started talking about names and I said all the kids' names birth order, 'Alexis, Jack, Jonah, Nico, and Cosmo.' I even thought about mentioning that our little Cosmo goes my Smo or that Jonah is really our Joe. But the guy told me I was missing one. I told him he was wrong. He checked some papers and said I was wrong that I had six kids. He asked me for a name and I just didn't have one. I asked him how he knew. He said we put it out on twitter and it was in the news." He shook his head. "I felt a loss, Kate. I felt like I lost something very important and I couldn't find it. A sixth kid."
"Was it a lost feeling like I lost my child?"
"I don't know. It wasn't good. But you bringing up kids makes me think that maybe it was my future-self telling me we are going to have six one day." He frowned at her.
"Why are you upset?" She rubbed the flat of her thumb over the crease in his brow.
"Ryan and Jenny. Lanie. Esposito. We already have five. One amazing fully grown daughter and four healthy young boys. I feel like they'd see it as selfish."
"Don't worry about Ry and Lanie. Ryan had a talk with me scolded me about being pregnant." He gasped. "I'm not. Told me it was shameful that we'd even think of trying. I told him about the third. About our prayers. How Jack can really only pronounce their prayer. How I cried for over a year when we found out about Smo."
"How'd he react?"
"I'm not sure. I was out of there before he really said anything. I think he was sorry he blew up at me. Thankful for our prayers. He was shocked about the third. Lanie said it was up to us if we thought four was enough."
"Enough?"
"Oh yeah. I had asked if four was enough. Four boys, in fact."
"Is it?"
"Four boys is definitely enough. But I see a straggler, Rick. Another big belly that you talk and rub to. I see Smo as a big brother. I see another baby-fest in our future."
"Gut? Or wish?"
"Both." She screwed up her face. He kissed her belly, crawled up to her mouth, and pulled back once she was panting.
"Let's compromise with our battling consciousness. Throw the pills away, unless you get the feeling one day you need it. Condoms are a…?"
"No, Castle," she purred and arched into him. She wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. "Every ridge, spasm, muscle, and seed. I want to feel it all," she growled. He peppered kisses along her neck.
"Chances are, if we're not using protection you'll be pregnant by the end of the month."
"Maybe not. Let's see how it goes."
"Maybe not?" He chuckled lowly. "A five-year-old, two four-year-olds, and a three-year-old. I think we get lucky enough."
"You want to get lucky tonight?"
"Yes." He nipped at her ear. "Remember. We count our blessings. Love our boys. And what happens, happens." He kissed her lips with a smack.
"Deal." She flipped them.