"You know, Billy." Kili slurred into Bilba's ear. "I know this girl. She is the sweetest girl ever. No, *nay*, she is the sweetest **woman**. Her name is Bilba and she is smart, far smarter than my lazy arse, she has the loveliest copper red, curly hair, round face and body to die for! I bloody adore her. And ***she can bloody cook***!"
Bilba stared at the smashed nephew of her boss, shocked beyond belief. She was quite sure, Kili did not call her lovely or anything else. Maybe she should get her phone out and record everything.
"You look a lot like her, Billy." Kili giggled. "You even have similar name. I remember meeting my Bilba. She was wearing some red shirt and black dress pants, her red hair was curly and her eyes were the loveliest shade of green. And, man, did her hips and breasts look amazing."
"Kili," Bilba patted him on the head (head that, somehow, ended up on her shoulder). "You should stop drinking."
"Why?" Kili pouted like a child.
"Because you're being silly."
"Am not."
"I am not playing this game with you."
"You're mean!"
Bilba's outraged gasp drew some looks of the few bar patrons. She puffed out her cheeks and glared at the drunken man beside her. Even her hair seemed to puff up in indignation.
"Kili Oakenshield!" Bilba screeched. "I am, in no way, mean! You have had quite enough of alcohol tonight! You are going home and you're going to bother your Uncle for the rest of the night!"
"Woah," Kili breathed, wide eyed. "You even screech like her."
"I do not screech!"
"Aye, lass, you do." Dwalin, who appeared seemingly out of nowhere, replied. He looked down at Kili, amused. "Is he telling you how much he likes to eat baby food?"
"No," Bilba shook her head and crossed her arms. "He was telling me, Billy, how much he likes me, Bilba."
Dwalin stared. And stared. And stared. Then he cracked up laughing like a maniac, something Bilba has never seen before and, if Bilba was being honest, it frightened her. People were starting to stare at the corner they were in. She glanced at Kili who was staring at Dwalin, shocked sober.
"Ah, Dwalin." Bilba mumbled. "Why are you laughing?"
"The lad finally admits and he's thinking yer a lad!" Dwalin laughed, tears streaming from his eyes.
"Wha..." Was the most intelligent thing Bilba could think of to say.
"Aye, Kili is crazy 'bout ye, lass." Dwalin grinned (it was another scary first grin Bilba has seen Dwalin produce).
Dwalin and Bilba turned to stare at the blushing, now sober, Kili. He could not meet Bilba's eyes so he focused on choking on the beer bottle. He threw his head back as if to drink more than there was inside, holding one finger up.
"Kili," Bilba started tentatively. "You do realize the bottle is empty?"
Kili giggled sheepishly and threw the bottle over his shoulder (it landed on some ginger guy's fat stomach). Dwalin and Bilba stared. Other people stared. Kili blushed.
"Billy!" He crowed, throwing his arm over Bilba's shoulder. "Have I ever told you of how hot Dwalin is?"
"It is not working, Kili." Bilba responded. Dwalin laughed.
"Look, Bilba, sorry for confusing you for Billy and I *aminlesbianswithyou*." Kili said, blushing through the quickly mumbled last few words.
Dwalin could not help but stare at the boy he has seen grow up.
"How did lesbians end up in your declaration of fancy?" Dwalin asked, baffled beyond belief.
"Seen it in a movie." Kili answered brightly. Bilba thought, if she could, she would sweat drop.
"Oh, Kili." Both Bilba and Dwalin sighed, making Kili blush and look down at his feet.
"You couldn't have just told me that you like me?" Bilba asked while she glared at Dwalin until he went away.
"I did tell you!"
"No, you told Billy."
"But Billy is you."
"Yes, but did you know that?"
"No." Kili pouted. Bilba had to admit, he was quite adorable and very handsome.
"Well, Kili," Bilba took a deep breath. "I like you too."
A beat passed. No one moved or said anything. That was the moment Kili and Bilba realised everyone was listening in on them. The proof was another one of their friends, Bofur, doing his victory dance (which included, but was not limited to, hip thrusts, shaking his arse and, all in all, acting like a complete idiot. Kili waved stupidly while Bilba blushed in a way that looked unhealthy.
They heard a woop and, when they turned to see who has made such a noise, their eyes landed on a grinning Dwalin who was counting money.
"Kili," Bilba very nearly whimpered. "Dwalin is scaring me."
"He is scaring the living daylights out of me and I have known him since forever."
"We should run away."
"We should."
They looked at each other, grinning. Quickly, Kili and Bilba threw the money on the table and ran out of the bar, ignoring the whistling (courtesy of Bofur). Bilba was giggling like a madwoman in the arms of Kili. Rain was pouring but they did not care because, well, they were happy and with each other. That was when they kissed for the first time, bathed in the light of the Blue Mountains bar, watched by its patrons, in the rain.
It was a start of a long lasting relationship, a relationship that gave birth to two mischievous girls who were carbon copies of their father and Uncle Fili.
The end.