Nothing Still Hurts

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Disclaimer: I don't own Hana Yori Dango or all that it entails.

A/N: This is mainly based on a mix of all the dramas and slightly some OC. Be warned that it can be very distorted and the subject matter will only be focusing on Yuki and Soujirou so whoever pass through is only passing through. It is rated M for illusions and a few placed words (better safe than sorry). If you're looking for a quick happy story, this isn't it. I know I'm jumping right into the bad and working to the good so bear with me if you wish.

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Prologue

Pink, the walls would've been pink and decorated in some hideous theme that only the likes of Akira's mother and sisters would love.

This wasn't pink. It was cream, soft, almost yellow. Mellow and calm, polar opposites to the dynamic of the child's parents. Theirs was a fiery mess that only a child could calm, even for a brief instance.

"This was the compromise?" The sex of the child hadn't been formed yet and they had already started the battle for the poor thing.

"It is for now." Examining the scene of bears and fairies and magical playground painted on the walls, it was clear how much more bickering would come to pass before the future Domyoji saw the light outside of the womb.

"It is for now and it will be for later." Even newly pregnant she was still fast on the heels of her sparing partner, witness in tow.

"I thought you two were out shopping or something." Tsukasa's attempt to have the subject tabled didn't sit well as the annoyance played out on Tsukushi face.

"We were but work called and I realized I forgot some things at home. The fact that you think you can change this room is about as likely as me starting maternity leave now so quit trying to redo the room. It's fine the way it is." Turning slight, I dreaded the person next to her. "Right Yuki?"

It was that sickening smile. The one what no one but Soujirou knew the source of, the smile that only he saw past. She would have that smile till the ends of her days because of him.

"I'm sure whatever you two do, the baby will love it." Diplomatic and neutral but effective in zoning in on the real recipient of argument, the baby.

"See, she agrees. So quit trying to sway your friends into agreeing with you." Taking a slight glance, Tsukushi ushered everyone out of the room.

"I'm not swaying, I'm polling their general thoughts. Even a babyphobic idiot like Soujirou can see this isn't right for a boy's room." In hindsight, idiotic comments like that wouldn't have hurt so much but hindsight wasn't what came first.

"You're an ass Tsukasa." As for as Soujirou was concerned, asshole didn't know what he was talking about. He could pick his own fight with his wife all he wanted. There was no point in ripping at a scabbing wound.

SLAM.

"What's his problem?" If only Tsukasa knew, he wouldn't have bothered to ask. The sad part was, he wouldn't and the relief was Yuki was blended into the walls. Silently bidding her departure, she exited heading any other direction than Soujirou.

This was how they were now.

They kept up appearances to do so but it is to bide the time that was lost. Letting those around try and remember a time before their paths had crossed. Hoping that the day when someone nostalgically links Yuki and Soujirou names in passing that all the events that came to pass became a ghost that none would know existed. Theirs was a silent agreement on the end.

There will be a day where Yuki would only be mentioned as Tsukushi's childhood friend, only. The lingering notions of Soujirou and Yuki would become a nonexistent figment of someone's forgotten imagination.

That day would come.

It had to.

"You're back." If solace was a place, this wasn't it. If sanctuary was something Yuki wanted, this place still wasn't it. If habit was a place, this was it.

"So I am." Yuki didn't bother to make room for him, there was no point. She didn't want his company and he knew it.

"I was thinking I should leave you a key to the gates." If Shin's idea of thinking was to actually lay the key besides her, then he was much like his brother when it came to thinking. They were doers, not talkers. Sure Soujirou made comments in passing but when it mattered, he was a doer. He was as bound and determeind as Yuki to do what was needed now till the end came.

"I didn't come here for some favor. I'm just some dumb girl who found your garden." Yuki knew the pain was still tainting her words, anger in her tone, resent in the very being of it all but it was all she had sometimes and this was the only place she could feel them without someone's juding eye. Maybe aside from Shin's.

"Well, quite a few people find this garden as well but they are usually my patients and it's usually during business hours. Not to mention I have the Nishikado gene that compels me to be nice to pretty girls."

"You must have the faulty one if you are that compelled. I'm not that pretty and I'm sure your brother is slowly remembering that. Just like he's slowly remember all the other things he thought from the start." She was just some dumb girl. She was trouble for all the rules he had and in the end, she was trouble. Accidental and a twisted serendipitous trouble but trouble. No matter how things did and didn't happen, it was all trouble and it took only that one instance for Soujirou to remember why he was a fan of the fleeting encounters rather than some dumb girl.

"It's not your fault." Shin said it every time. There wasn't a visit to the garden that he didn't say it but it didn't make a difference. It was just words, useless words. The more times he said it the more Yuki couldn't help but laugh at his poor attempt to do something. He was a man who left his family and chance brought his brother's mistake to him. Chance filled him in on the man his brother became. On the dumb girl who was as dumb as his brother initially believed. Shin was meddling his hands into silent Nishikado territory.

"You laugh but one day, you'll see it." That was new. "One day, you'll remember this as an anomaly. It won't hurt less but with time maybe something will give you a reason to feel more soothed."

"I was leaving so you won't have to chase me out tonight." She knew what time the clinic closed. Yuki tried to make her visits within the clinic's hours, a few times she stayed right till closing. One bad set of news was all it took that day months ago. It was enough to knock the life out of her. Her feet could only take her so far before she found the garden and stopped bothering. It was all fun and games with Soujirou till biology found her. Then not weeks later, biology dealted her another nasty blow and her legs didn't let her get further than the garden. Now she just came back hoping to remember what it was like before she had her first appointment. Those precious seconds before.

"I was never planning to chase you out." Pushing the key closer to Yuki's hand, he made special care to stop short of actually touching her. "Maybe you don't like me because of my brother. Maybe the thought of anything that resembles him is truly painful. There is no doubt that the pain is there and maybe you do hope that this will all pass. There's no real handbook to it or else I would've given it to you already. Whatever my issues with my family that once was, that pain was real then as it is now. There was a time I resented them, hated how they went to great lengths to get me back. There was no handbook to that and it is not what you are dealing with but life is pain and maybe I am being nice for the sake of my brother by way of you. Regardless, you're in pain. In the big picture, I know I can't make it go away and I'm not going to try to make it seem so small that someone clueless like me can fix. So take the key, take the time you need. If anything, I can say time is what you need."

It was cheesy and pointless. If this was time a matter of time then months didn't make much difference.

"Laugh if it helps, but believe me that you will move on. Ignore my idiot brother. His hand in it has been done. How you move on is your call, not his. Your life is yours and take it from someone who's been on the inside of that world, if you're not ready for it, don't walk the path of what if just to make the pain worse."

He had taken great care to not touch her, till his departure he had stood behind Yuki in silent compassion but mothering words. Shin only left with an attempt to pat her back before the click of the gate was heard.

There was no real comfort in any of this. It was all just going through some sense of motions. This was where Yuki came when each day refused to settle like it use to. Each day was another tiring day of hoping for the past and resenting the time that had come and gone.

Pregnant was not a word used by a girl like Yuki to describe herself.

Trouble was the antics that Tsukasa and the F4 got into.

Mess was what they left in their path.

Yuki was the trouble, the pregnant mess that Nishikado Soujirou left in his wake. It was all fun and games till reality dawned. Even playing it safe while reckless didn't shield her from reality. There was no protection from what if.

It was no secret over the years that eventually Nishikado and she had some friendly understanding. Tsukushi didn't like it but she couldn't argue that they were all adults and no one was getting hurt. Details were obscured so what looked dangerously close to not innocent was still just that. It was easier to not talk about what you didn't want to know when you refused to acknowledge it. The F4 as a whole didn't question and didn't comment. With time it wasn't rare for Nishikado to bring her with him to some function. Yuki was a stand in when he needed someone that didn't look like they belonged in a club dancing on bars and having a wild time. It wasn't rare over time for him to treat her as more than just some girl that kept popping up. With time, they were friendly without discussing more than that. He had his girlfriends and she had her occasional boyfriends. None of which lasted for either of them and overall they returned to each other with time. It wasn't official and nothing was set in stone, just things in passing. At best it was a steady whim, like a dieter who had a designated cheat day. What was done behind closed doors was left for no one to know or ask. It was easier to forget the lines that others wanted and live with the things that were close enough when no one spoke of it. She was usually gone from his bed before anyone was wiser to finding her there and he was gone from hers before anyone even knew. Her sister had long been married and moved out and her parents had taken to visiting her grandparents in their respective old age. When they left for the weekend believing that their responsible daughter would be fine with friends like the F4 to keep a safe eye out, they didn't bother to realize that the Casanova was prone to spend his time there.

They didn't know that their daughter had all but made a scene big enough for the neighbors to notice had they been home. Had they known, they would realize how much their daughter was lost at that present time.

The more time had passed, the more it was hard to remember a time before it all. Trying to find habits that use to be, actions and mannerisms that came before it all.

"Of course he was babyphobic." He will always be. She wasn't going to change that. She just wanted a time before. A time before Nishikado Soujirou, before she was some dumb girl. To many years had passed too many months since then and it was all locked away in a part of her mind she couldn't go back to. The hope to finding herself before it all was dying each day.

Shin was right, there was no handbook. Time was dragging the vile retched bile she felt deeper into her core. She person she was trying to maintain for appearances sake was fake and she tried in vain hoping that if she faked it well enough, it would be real again.

I hadn't been real and each passing day was another possibility of someone or something making its own cutting retort to how much her efforts and hope will be in vain.

She was a mistake and time only proved it. It reinforced all of Soujirou's initial notions.

An accident waiting to happen wasn't going to change anything but it did. The path back was gone and making a new one was hard.