Look, I never wanted to be a half-blood, like, not even joking, ever! If anyone had asked me while I was a child if I wanted to be a superhero, I would have laughed in their face and said it's too much work. I was not good "the chosen one." material, in fact, I was voted by my class; most likely to sleep through the end of the world. So when I suddenly found out that I was the one of prophecy, destined to save humankind...Let's just say, that this planet was screwed!
Now Percy, Percy was a good "chosen one", he was humble, strong-willed, quick-witted, powerful, loyal and empathetic to a fault, throw in his inherent good looks and his boyish charm and he was a dead ringer for everyday Clark Kent (I'd deny it if you told him), but unfortunately, he was born as this novel's sidekick/quirky-love-interest, instead of the hero he was meant to be, not interesting, but we all have our parts to play, mine is just cooler than yours. The two of us were just born with each other's. I would have been a better side character, much better.
I suppose it all started when me and my mom moved to New York. Or at least that's my best approximation of when the shit hit the fan, because our first day there, my mother just so happened to drop dead. One second we were walking along the sidewalk, and the next second I was kneeling over the spasming figure of my mother, watching as her eyes slowly lost their reflective sheen and her mouth began to froth. I still hadn't registered that she might be dead when I was pried from her body by a pair of cops and softly hushed by a young, muscular yet still pretty paramedic. My mind was still rushing with thoughts of my mother's last words: "I miss your father."
I stretched out my hand, grasping, longing for one final touch before she drifted into the night, and then she was gone, the zipper rose above her face, the black bag masked the corona of even darker hair that adorned her crown.
"Goodnight miss, I'm looking forward to seeing you soon, along with your daughter." I looked up to identify the voice and was surprised to see a very cleanly dressed man in a black three piece suit place a dark purple rose on the body bag which contained my mother's body. He looked out of place, surrounded by panic stricken bystanders and near-manic paramedics who did their best to keep the peace as an autopsy van drove away with my mother. The black clad man looked up to meet my eyes and smiled coldly, his gaze was empty as if he weren't looking at me, but beyond me. "You would do well to run along little girl, I have many friends that would love to drain your eyes of their life, and I have such excellent plans for you."
The man scoffed, his voice noncommittal, like he was just commenting on a movie he didn't like very much. I felt my eyes covered by a pair of warm hands and I looked up to see the paramedic looking straight at the man with hatred clear in her deep set eyes as she slammed the door shut. "Godwin, drive! Take me to Camp!"
The driver apparently understood what she meant and put the pedal to the metal, gunning the engine and taking off out of the city. As we rocketed farther and farther from my mother, I felt a sinking feeling in my gut that perhaps the worst is yet to come. The paramedic leaned back and smiled at me, trying to lighten the mood. I gave her a look that told her where she could shove her pity and her smile widened.
"You're going to do awesome at camp." I leaned forward in between the paramedics and looked between the two, Godwin looked like he played rugby and the woman looked like she could kick Godwin's ass. "I'm Susan, but you can call me Sam."
"How is Sam even slightly related to Susan?!" I asked, my anger and despair finally slipping out, though misdirected into an imploring. "Why does Susan need to be shortened anyway?!" I might have yelled that.
"When I first met Susan I misread her name and thought the last three letters of her name were '-sam', so I called her Sam." Godwin explained bluntly. I frowned at the bald black man and curled both my hands into fists, resisting the urge to throw a fit. I had been told that by the age of twelve, I shouldn't be throwing fits anymore.
"Are you two kidnapping me?" I asked and Godwin snorted. Susan leaned her head back and forth as if to say 'kinda'. "So, you're kinda kidnapping me?"
"No, we're definitely kidnapping you." Godwin responded, nodding affirmatively. Susan slapped him jovially and I was almost tempted to laugh. I felt like there was most definitely something going on between these two, they acted like they knew something I didn't. "We're taking you to a distant farm owned by an eerie old man and a drunk."
"Shut up Godwin!" Susan muttered, closing her eyes and rubbing her brow. "You've reached the bit where you're getting scary, especially because it's true." I felt my stomach turn at all of the disturbing images my mind brought about. A drunk and an eerie old man, I'd have to rely on my years of training in tae kwon do to hopefully kick ass, either that or I jump out the back of the van and pray for the best.
"I don't enjoy being called a drunk, you know?" A man behind me said. My eyes widened as I gulped, there wasn't supposed to be a man behind me, in fact, I was sure that there wasn't a man behind me. I slowly turned my head, staring back at a bleary eyed man, his eyes half lidded as he glanced at me for a moment before his eyes widened and he smiled an empty grin. "I prefer; The Drunkard. It carries more...finality."
"Oh shit! We have a god alert, code 1! Olympian." Godwin yelled, reaching for the hand brake and pulling hard on it, completing a very successful power turn. He swerved into the shoulder and turned from his seat, revealing for the first time a chiseled chin and nose and dark, penetrating eyes. "I'm not going to kowtow to you, just cause you made grape juice bad for me, so you can take your godhood and shove it wherever you like!"
"What's going on?"
"The camp I told you about. This is Dionysus, he's infantile supervision." Sam said, holding her arm across my chest as if bracing for a crash. She then glared harshly at Dionysus and growled. "You're not going to touch her! The last person you influenced became addicted to showers! And anyway, don't you have better things to do, like create the next big designer drug?"
"It's called Krokodil, look it up!" Dionysus retorted, snorting at Sam like a child. "Anyway, I'm here to deliver a message to you two; next time you come to camp, you need to stay, there's crazy stuff going on 'on high', and we want all our sheep in one pasture."
Sam nodded and suddenly, he just wasn't there. I gulped, my mind still reeling from this whole new world that had just bad-touched my mind. Gods...Olympians, to be more precise, were coming after me, and my mum just got caught in the middle of it, and BANG!, she's dead, no two ways about it. My thoughts were still reeling as the ambulance pulled back into traffic and continued on it's merry way toward almost certain death.
This was going to be fun. Perhaps if I ever escape I could just use all of this nonsensical jibber-jabber to get myself institutionalized. I hefted myself off of the floor and peered through the windshield, watching as cars whizzed past us. I could vaguely hear Sam and Godwin talking, but I lacked the energy to eavesdrop.
Speaking of drop...the temperature seemed to be doing a lot of that. Dropping. My teeth began to chatter as soon as rain began to pour down on the windshield and the sky darkened. We continued zooming along the highway like Das Autobahn, all the while, a tingling continued down the back of my neck, playing the itsy-bitsy spider along my spine.
Then came the crosswind.
The ambulance never stood a chance. Gale force winds sent the box on wheels tumbling into the ditch on the side of the road, causing Sam and Godwin to be thrown around the cabin like ragdolls in a wind tunnel. "Oh...Shi-" Was all I could say before my head slammed against the metal wall of the back and blacked out.
When I came to, I was staring up at the sky, wondering where the roof, or whatever part of the ambulance was on top had gone, and now all that was left was a giant furry hand with a palm the size of a dinner plate lowering itself in attached to an equally furry arm running with veins and rippling muscles.
Run! A voice in my head screamed, but it didn't sound like one of my many voices. I was usually a girl when I screamed in my head. Is now the time?! I said 'RUN!'.
"Yes sir." I muttered, my head still fuzzy as I wobbled to my feet and pushed myself out the back of the ambulance, stumbling out of the ravine and into the middle of the road, looking back, all I saw was a massive Goliath of a beast, it's top half was almost of hominid, but it's bottom half was the shape and size of a full-on bovine, hovering above the ambulance, rummaging around for, I'm assuming, myself.
ROAR!
The creatures body seemed to swell as his shoulders broadened and his head raised, he had horns the size of my forearm and points you just can't get from an electric pencil sharpener. It's head seemed unnaturally bovine as well, with a short, wide snout and a giant ring in its nostrils.
"What Ho, young warrior!" A voice yelled from the top of the hill across the road, and as soon as I turned, I caught a brief glimpse of...something, as a burst of light exploded between me and the giant...thing. "I'm talking to you, you dumbass!"
So I ran, but I didn't get far, only two steps before I felt my spinal column go click, as I flew through the air and landed on a bony lump of flesh, roughly human shaped. "Oh gods, that hurt." I heard the same voice from my head mutter before I felt him stir and wrap his arms around me, lifting me up through the murky haze as I was carried up a hill and back down, I made it to a small light, finally I could see the face of the person who had carried me here. His eyes were like nothing I'd ever seen, one was a verdant forest, alive with golden flecks that seemed to scatter and explode like tiny fireworks, while the other one was a royal purple, with azure snippets, talk about Americana Exotica.
"Nice eyes…" I barely managed, my lungs feeling like they were full of lead. He tried to smile, but a blush spread across his entire face, making any attempt at playing it cool futile. Then I realized it, it made me gulp and I'm ashamed to say tears welled up in my eyes. "I can't feel my legs. I can't feel anything. Why can't I feel anything?!"
"Shh...Don't worry!" He quickly replied, his gorgeous eyes wide as he tried to reassure me that despite what my brain was currently not feeling, I was going to be fine. He was telling me that I should believe him over my brain, and strangely, I was tempted to. "Keep calm, there's someone here who can heal you, I know he can, he's brilliant, everyone here is brilliant, they'll help you. I promise."
"Perseus, what the blazes is going on?!" A man in a wheelchair implored, wheeling himself out onto the porch as the lights finally began to dim and I slipped out of consciousness. The last thing I heard as I passed out was a quiet growl from Perseus.
"Help her."
I don't really understand dreams. Dreams are like your mind's way of chewing you out for stupid shit you've done, while at the same time, patching together random memories in a hodge podge scrapbook of slurred...stuff. Or at least that's what it usually is. This time though, I wasn't just hallucinating.
"Hades." A tall man in a pinstripe suit said, his shoulders were broad, and his beard was thick, but that was nothing compared the bags under his eyes. He looked like the CEO to Nervous Wreck incorporated. "It had to be Hades, or Poseidon, or maybe it was…" He began to mumble so low that I couldn't hear.
"Of course! Why didn't I think of that?" A brunette bookworm muttered sarcastically from her place between the pages. Beside the bookworm there were only two other people there in the indescribably gigantic room. "Hades could have definitely sent one of his many friends to Olympus to steal your bolt, or even better, Poseidon could have just reached over while you were talking and just swiped it under your nose. Actually, wait." She paused, looking thoughtful. "No, they couldn't have. It's irrational."
Goddammit! It was just getting to the interesting bit too! What's up with these commercial breaks?! I was in another place, it was dimly lit with bare bulbs hanging far above me from a huge vaulted ceiling, but that wasn't the strangest thing. The strangest thing wasn't the undead gardener either. He stood on a giant footstool, easily fifty feet above me trimming what appeared to be a giant venus fly trap. The strangest thing was the guy who had leaned over my mother's dead body was frantically searching through one of the most cluttered rooms I had ever seen, throwing aside potted plants, huge folders of documents, piles of suits and ties, even the occasional chain or skull.
"Where. Is. It?!" He demanded, his voice breaking with panic as he ran toward a woman who had just walked in. He held her by her shoulders and shook her lightly. "Where has it gone?! Who has it?!"
The woman calmly patted him on the arm and began to step around him, picking up the clothing, waving her hands and causing the potted plants to reassemble and place themselves on previously collapsed shelves. She bundled together the clothing and dropped it down a chute, which promptly made a sound like an incinerator, and the clothes reappeared, folded and clean on a dresser that used to be consumed by snowglobes, ironic pictures of cats and dogs and miniature tombstones and lego people. "This is why I was against your man-cave idea. You're a mess."
"Someone's got my Helm!" The man whined. The woman sighed and a voice began to drift through my dreamstate, muttering.
"Expergiscere!" The voice yelled, summoning me from my dreams. Suddenly I felt my eyes being pried open, and I took a deep breath. I felt myself getting lighter as the fatigue just slipped away. I let my eyes 'flutter' open and took a deep whiff of the air around me and gagged.
"Water!" I begged, my eyes wide as I lurched toward the panting boy and grasped his arm. Like a bat out of Hell, the boy jumped up and grabbed a canteen, pouring the contents into a cup and diluting it with what looked like water from another canteen. "Give me some goddamn water!" I grunted.
"Shh, this'll be more help." The boy whispered, his eyebrows furrowed as he gently poured the drink into my mouth. Warmth spread through my body and I felt my toes tingle with life.
I had once gone to a restaurant in Vermont, it served steak. This steak made all other steak pale in comparison, it was the prime of the prime, it was tender, it was juicy, it was flavorful and it caused Gordon Ramsey to moan in delight, and it had nothing on the wonderful mixture going down my throat. I was in love.
"What was that?" I asked, and then recoiled at the sound of my own voice. I was back to normal, or as normal as I would ever be after having been ragdolled up a hill by something that shouldn't have existed, and as far as Thalia was concerned, was not allowed to exist. "What was that giant...bull thing?"
"That's a…long story" The heterochromic boy paused and sighed, looking me square in the eye and frowning. "You're an amazing and rare phenomenon. When a god and a human love each other very much...they get busy, usually resulting in someone like us, a demigod."
"That doesn't answer my question." I said, sliding to the edge of my bed, placing my feet gingerly on the floor. "Who are you, and where am I and what the Hell was that thing?"
As soon as I asked who he was, the boy smiled. I didn't like the smile that he gave me, it made me feel small. I looked him up and down and realized that he honestly didn't have any right to pity me, he was tiny, a scrawny guy with a mop of deep black hair and gaunt cheeks. I smirked and allowed myself a moment of satisfaction, I was taller than him. "My name is Percy Jackson, and you are on Long Island Sound, east of New York city and slightly to the north of Hell, the exact place...is difficult to describe. Anyway, let me continue this story."
"I'm still in New York?" I asked, Perseus' story far from the most important thing right now.
"I- yes, you are." Perseus intoned, his voice calm as he began to slowly lift me up and sit me up. "You...are the bastard child of a godly whore and a mortal sap, and the quicker you accept that, the more likely you are to survive. You are not special, you are not unique, you are an endangered species. It doesn't matter if your parent can beat up my parent, or whose daddy has a bigger dong, when you're fighting for your life, skill will always be more important than blood. We are all myths, and it sucks, but I'm not going to coddle you, you need to know now what I've been learning for years. Life sucks, demigod life sucks balls. There are monsters and angry gods and there are quests and people tend to die early, but you, you have moxie, and maybe, just maybe, you can survive...hopefully, because the faster you accept that, the better life is."
Perseus dropped me on the bed with a solid thump and I slowly felt myself cringe as his words sank in. "Wha- so I'm just doomed?"
"No, but you should panic." Perseus said, his frown furrowing his brow. "You can learn everything else from Chiron, he'll be able to explain things better than me."
"Where are Godwin and Sam?" I asked, and Perseus smiled, shaking his head, I felt myself get a bit angry, but I bit back the urge to kill him. "I'm not kidding, I liked them, where are they?"
"Sam is in the bed beside you and Godwin is at his cabin, getting stuff used for healing. Godwin helped me heal your spine." Perseus sighed as my eyes widened. What was wrong with my spine? "There's nothing wrong with your spine, I know this because you almost stood up earlier. Trust me."
"So...what was that stuff from earlier?" I asked, hoping for more.
"No." He said without hesitation, and warning, his eyes were stern.. "You can't have anymore. If you have anymore, you turn to ash and die."
"Okay, nor more of the tasty stuff, gotcha." I muttered, and tried to stand up again. Less headache this time, definitely...more nausea. "I am so, so sorry."
"It's fine. I can clean the shoes...Oh God! It's dripping through my socks." He yelped, quickly kicking off his shoes and socks. I was tempted to laugh, but my stomach's current coup was hindering any and all joyful noises. "You're about to laugh at me? I can vomit on your shoes if you'd like!"
"Don't be a wimp!" I laughed, but suddenly, I hunched over and almost hurled again. Perseus, despite his qualms with vomit, stepped beside me and began to rub circles on my back. I sat back down on the bed right as Godwin walked back in."Oh God, I'm dying."
"Don't be a wimp!" Perseus mocked, mimicking my voice pretty well. I looked up at him, about to growl at him, but when I saw him looking down, his eyes were closed and he was mouthing words, and I began to really examine him, his eyelashes were long, kinda feminine. his face lacked not only baby fat, but any fat at all, he was skinny, scrawny even, but his smallness held a certain...unsettling quality. He didn't feel scrawny, he had carried me down the hill...h- whoa! There was snapping...there was lots of snapping...and I couldn't feel my legs, oh God...
"I broke my spine." I whispered, feeling it all wash over me. Yesterday, I wasn't hallucinating, I wasn't dreaming, and the reality was just sinking in. Perseus continued to rub my back soothingly, and I felt my pain slowly ooze out through my toes. My stomach didn't hurt, neither did any other part of me. I didn't feel anything. That's strange...I must be going into shock. "Revenge." I muttered.
"Okay, who you gonna hit in the face first? You thinkin' you might deck your dad for screwing your mom? You gonna go after whoever sent that monster after you? Who was it? You going to go up to the Fates and flip them the bird for setting you in this screwed up rat race? Who's first?" Perseus inquired, his eyes narrowing, he was obviously angry at my line of thought. He sucked in a deep breathe and began to stand up. "We'll make a plan, and we'll get your revenge, but for now, focus on not dying, eh?"
I looked at him in confusion. This kid was sometimes a wuss, he wasn't very tactful, and he was short, but he seemed genuinely concerned for my health, which put him a step ahead of pretty much everyone else that I've ever encountered. "Well, since you asked so nicely…" I muttered, feeling kinda guilty when I saw Perseus' colorful eyes dulled with red and bags.
"Ah, Mr. Jackson, you're running late for Latin with-..." Oh my Lord, it's Einstein! A dude with hair that had volume beyond belief. His eyes were slightly crazed behind his circular, metal rimmed glasses, the only reason I could tell that he wasn't Einstein was because Einstein was dead, and this guy was in a wheelchair. "Good morning, Miss, how are you?"
"Oh God on high, I've lost my mind." I muttered. Perseus smiled and nodded sorta. I shot him a look and he simply smiled wider. "I've been kidnapped by a heterochromic wizard, a pair of psychotic paramedics, a drunk and Albert Einstein's paraplegic twin brother."
"Don't forget their cult of indoctrinated teenagers bearing weapons of the Ancient Greek variety." Godwin chimed in. I had almost forgotten he was there. Godwin stood over Sam protectively, patting her head, and checking her pulse.
"So, have I lost my marbles permanently, or should I just rent out a rubber room?" I asked, my voice full of quip. Einstein smiled patiently and beckoned me over. "Sure, I'll walk over there...as soon as there are less than three of you."
"It's alright, don't push yourself child." Einstein's doppelganger said calmingly. "and my name is Chiron, though I do know Einstein...he was a nice man...with a strange infatuation with socks."
"Socks...sure, why not." I muttered, as Chiron, as he called himself, wheeled out of the room, bidding adieu to Mr. Jackson...whoever that was.
"You know Annabeth hates it when you miss her Latin lessons, 'Mr. Jackson'." Godwin joked, gesturing at Percy. "Maybe you could try to reason with her?"
"You were never very funny." Perseus deadpanned. He then turned to face me and looked very serious. "Thalia, if I die, will you come to my funeral?"
"I'll bring brownies to your wake!" Godwin piped up, still checking Sam's pulse. "I'll make sure they contain plenty of pot."
"So...who's this Annabeth person?" I asked, looking between Godwin's look of whimsical humor and Percy's grimace. I nearly laughed as Percy took a deep breath and closed his eyes, looking close to tears. He gripped my shoulders and looked deep in my eyes like he was going to lay some serious truth on me here.
"Hitler and satan got really drunk one night and...well, got busy, nine months later, Hitler had a spawn and named her Annabeth…" He explained straight faced. "Annabeth has stayed young since by eating small children and drinking the blood of virgins mixed with Sprite."
"Don't forget the hearts that I tear from my enemies." A voice called from the doorway, and I spotted her. She was tall...five nine, easily. Her blonde hair was curly, and long and dirty, like she had spent the day rolling around in grass and mud. "You're late."
"We, who are about to die, salute you." Perseus muttered, closing his eyes and turning slowly, his eyes squinting as he tried his best for a non fearful smile. "Heya Annabeth...I was just...helping out this new camper."
"He was flirting." Sam and Godwin quipped at the same time, almost as if they had practiced the line. Sam promptly passed out again, but Godwin looked at the two of us with a feigned serious expression and muttered. "She can smell fear…"
"Perseus...please follow me outside." Annabeth muttered, and I felt morally obligated to follow him, if only to ask to write his eulogy. When I stepped outside, I was, to say the least, surprised, to say the most, nauseated, the sunlight was too bright, the breeze was too warm, the grass was too green, and where the water was, it was too blue. I was going to vomit again. "Die scum!"
Perseus crashed past me and rolled to a stop about seven feet behind me. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…" I began, and then I saw Annabeth running toward me, a look in her eye like she was going to kill me. "...to mourn the passing of a wonderful human being and Perseus Jackson." I muttered, slightly in shock from the feral look in Annabeth's eye.
"Hey Annabeth." An even taller blonde called out, this one with a scar running down the right side of his face. Instantly, the previously crazed blonde girl was standing politely, her shoulders set and her chest out, obviously trying to catch this tall dude's eyes. "What's up? New camper?"
"Yes…" Moaned Percy from a few yards behind me, one thumb up, his other hand groping at his chest as if feeling for broken ribs. I smirked at his prone form and was tempted to tell him to buck up, but I felt like if I did, he might actually try to do it and vomit his guts out. "By the way, don't you have sword practice?- Not that I'm not glad you're here! You probably saved my life, but... color me curious."
"What color is curious?" I asked, thinking that if I didn't add my two cents to the conversation then I'd probably be ignored for a while. Suddenly, two pairs of extra eyes were on me...possibly three, but Perseus' eyes were currently hidden behind grass and hair, so my survival instincts kicked in, and I opened my mouth to begin rambling, but Percy saved me.
"It's yellow." Percy said calmly, nodding his head slowly as he crawled to his feet. "Like a little daisy popping it's head out of the ground, hoping someone doesn't kill it with pesticides or a dog doesn't come around and take a shit on it."
"Thank you for that wonderful picture Percy, now get your ass to Latin, or I'll drop kick you so hard that ten years ago you'll look into the mirror and wonder where the bootprints came from." Annabeth growled, causing me to laugh. "Hey, greenhorn, you ever written a eulogy before?"
"I'm thinking a tragic drowning accident…" Annabeth trailed off, causing Percy to shiver and quickly run for a squat gray building with lots of ornate stained glass windows and an interesting carving in the stone around the door. "That got him moving…"
...And that, was how I met your mother. Kidding! Kidding! Sorry, this is just the first chapter, next time, we get to hear more about Harry's long lost cousin Percy, and the strange power of words and berry smoothies.