Connor didn't want to believe that his salvation had been right there his whole life. It was too easy, too painful of a realization.

Well, practically his whole life, anyway. He'd just been too stupid to see it. Too careless to care. If he had known then what he knew now… god.

He also couldn't believe that his salvation was a stuttering, smart, scared, stupid, shy, lovely boy. He hadn't known. He hadn't seen the possibility. And who would have? They were such an unlikely pairing.

But they were more than human when they were together. They were air, they were light, they were fear in the best way and laughter in the worst. They were everything they never had. They were together, and that was the most important part.

Because they had always been alone.

But now that Connor had found Evan, and Evan had found Connor, that was all behind them.

"I still can't believe you had a crush on my sister," Connor laughed and covered his face with his hands as he did so, warming his cold cheeks. Despite the steady fire they had been tending too, the night was still bitter, but warm all the same. But that wasn't really because of the weather.

Evan blushed. Connor didn't think that was because of the wind chill, either. "You need to get over that. I did," Evan retorted shyly. It had been a touchy subject since Evan first brought it up, which was only recently. Connor was still a bit awed, a bit unsure of what to think of it, but he settled on laughing about it. He only wished Evan would laugh too.

That was Connor's day to day, hour to hour goal: make Evan smile.

It kept him going. It kept him smiling, too.

No one had ever really enjoyed Connor's presence before. It was always pity smiles, please-get-away-from-me flinches, less than genuine attempts at conversation. Connor had started to get sick of himself, too.

But Evan. After their first few initial disasters, they suddenly warmed to each other, clicked in the best, most inexplicable way. It had only been a few months of this, but it had been a reprieve from each day being failure after misery after frustration for the majority of his life before.

That's what it was.

Before.

Evan never pushed Connor away, no matter how much he screwed up. And he screwed up often, had screwed up royally many times, habitual memories that plagued his mind. But Evan was always there to save him with his smile, his lovely, calming, welcoming smile.

Connor had never been used to people smiling at him, or him smiling back. His face was honestly starting to hurt, just a bit.

"Aw c'mon," Connor scooted closer to Evan, lightly tapping his arm. "I'm not mad or anything, I just think it's a bit funny… you know, the way things worked out," Connor grinned. He nudged Evan again, and a smile bloomed on the other boys face too.

Mission accomplished.

Evan laughed, just a little huff. "Yeah, I guess it is."

"Who would have thought it would be you and me, instead of you and her."

"Yeah…"

And then Connor really wanted to kiss Evan. Really bad. Right on his mouth.

But he wouldn't do that. They'd come so far, they could wait to go any farther.

They'd both been through enough.

But Connor couldn't deny his feelings, ones he'd never known existed inside of him before.

Maybe once he'd found someone that wasn't repulsed by him, by his messy, messy brain, he'd stopped being repulsed by people too.

"Speaking of which," Evan said, snapping Connor out of his fantasies. "How is Zoe? Isn't she at that music conservatory thing?"

Connor settled back, leaning against Evan just slightly, and then a bit more when didn't give way one bit.

God, it was a good feeling.

"Yeah, she's great. Being a prodigy and all, I'm sure. I don't really know, though. They're not allowed to have their phones while they're there."

"Ah, that's why she's been on radio silence. When will she be home?"

"Next Saturday? I don't really know."

Evan snorted. "You are so attentive."

"Hey! I have other things on my mind."

"Of course you do," Evan smiled, and leaned into Connor, just a bit.

It was starting off to be quite a good camping trip.

And Connor hadn't even been camping before, and couldn't say he loved feeling the prickly grass on his neck, the dirt that somehow got everywhere, having to hike a mile to the outhouse, the lack of a good cell signal.

But lying on his back, still cold in a bundle of blankets, next to his best friend, gazing up at the stars as Evan told him the story of each constellation, he wondered if this was what it was like to be in love with the world.

Even then, the stars had nothing on Evan's smile. Nothing.

The morning was cold, colder than the night because of the fresh sting in the air, the shock of the day. But Evan was beside him, their arms splayed across each other.

So everything was okay.

"I can't believe you've never been camping before. What kind of childhood did you have?" Evan asked him teasingly as they crowded in their tent, against the rain, picking at their rations with light laziness.

Connor laughed, attempting to toss

a berry into his mouth and missing horribly. Evan laughed again, and Connor smiled, sitting up. "I never realized how deprived I'd been. How could I have never been exposed to this… uh… enlightening experience?"

"Oh, c'mon. It's not that bad."

"No, it's not. I'm just being whiny. Ignore me." Connor settled back against the wall of the tent, huddling over his knees when it brought him no support.

Evan leaned against him, and Connor had to steady himself before he jumped away in shock. Connor had always been the initiator. Never Evan, though he never refused, or backed away. But this was new, and Connor didn't mind. Of course he didn't.

"I haven't camped for a while, either. This is a new experience for me too," his voice softened. "And I'm not going to ignore you. I thought we had a deal going."

"Hm?"

Evan looked at him like he was being stupid, which he probably was. "We had a deal. Nothing goes unsaid. Nothing goes ignored. We put up with that enough."

Now Connor remembered. It was one of their first agreements, their first discussions. One of the timid ones, before they'd gotten comfortable with each other, before saying each other's name was as easy as their own. They had both recognized the potential that they had. It was to break the ice, and agreement that no awkwardness would be tolerated because there would be no awkwardness. Funnily enough, Connor had been the one to propose it. How he could forget, he didn't know.

Connor rubbed his face. "Right, yeah. I remember now, sorry."

Evan chuckled lightly. "It's okay. We all forget things sometimes."

Connor looked at Evan, smiling softly and playing with the cuffs of his jeans. Connor felt his face lighten, his soulsink a little further into his body. "Yeah, we do."

Connor couldn't believe what he'd just done.

He'd just kissed Evan Hansen.

His best friend.

They were kissing.

And Evan had kissed him back. Though he really didn't have too. Connor had had a little trouble enjoying the moment while he was worrying that Evan would pull away. He'd never thought his affection would be returned. Not like that. Not in a way that made his insides stir and his head buzz and his body no longer a body but a star only seconds away from a supernova.

Now Evan has gone back inside his house, and Connor was on his way to his car, and he was thoroughly unable to shake the stupid grin off his face.

Why would he ever stop smiling? His lips had just been touched by Evan Hansen.

No, he would never.

School started again tomorrow.

Neither of them were ready, which is why Connor was up at 2:43 a.m., staring at his phone.

You: Awake still?

Tree Boy: Sadly

You: This is not going to be a good day, is it

Tree Boy: It will definitely be worse if we don't sleep

You: Yeah

You: …

Tree Boy: …

You: Sleep is for schmucks

Tree Boy: Who needs sleep? Not I

You: *laugh emoji*

You: I hate what I'm feeling right now

Tree Boy: And what would that be

You: Like everythings ending, but it should be over already. Who decided four years of high school was a good idea? Haven't I suffered long enough?

Tree Boy: Indeed, the institution sucks

Tree Boy: But like you said, one more year. And then it will all be over. All be different.

You: Yeah, I guess. But can I really make it one more year?

Tree Boy: If I can, you can

You: Is this a deal?

Tree Boy: It's a deal

You: Okay. We'll stick it out together

Tree Boy: Indeed. Always.

You: Well, I guess we should try to get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow

Tree Boy: See you tomorrow *heart emoji*

You: Good night, love

Tree Boy: Goodnight.

They survived the first day of school.

Connor couldn't necessarily say that for the rest.

Connor had never done very well in school, never enjoyed it, never learned much from it that he couldn't learn from reading other, more comprehensible books that didn't make him fall asleep halfway through an hour of droning speeches and the screech of dry erase markers. But Evan was completely different at school.

Of course, this probably what he had always been like at school. Connor just hadn't been around to notice.

And now, Connor could seem to do very little to help.

Evan had always been reserved, but when he was thrown into eight hours of being around people who had not a care for him, and ideas and thing and people that he didn't care for, it drained him. He may have seemed shy, a shell of himself, but that wouldn't be telling it quite as it is.

He was no one.

Once Connor realized this, he understood more of why he'd never really noticed Evan before. There was very little to notice.

Despite this, Evan did fantastic in school. Connor often asked him for help, if he could read Evan's latest essay, if he wanted to come over for a study session on Saturday.

And Evan seemed more… normal in these times. Sometimes. But he was never the same. The last glimpse of the Evan that Connor had grown into close friends with was during their, most likely divinely intervened, five day Thanksgiving break. Evan and Heidi came over to dinner, and it was probably one of the best days they'd had together in months. Evan was smiling, laughing, and he had the brightness that only he had, the one Connor had missed for months. Connor had no words to express to Evan how peaceful seeing him like this made him feel. So, when he and Evan went up to his room after dinner, when the adults were watching some gameshow or the news or something, he kissed Evan lightly, happily.

No words were needed for that.

Evan was still more muted than what Connor remember him as from the summer, their summer. And it frightened him. It really did. He knew both Evan and him struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, all those lovely plagues and demons. But Connor could hold on if Evan did. That was their deal.

So Connor held Evan's hand tightly and they sat in silence, for the most part. Being together was enough.

Connor only let go when Evan and his mom had to leave. He wanted to kiss Evan goodbye, so very bad, and the shadow of sadness in Evan's eyes only made him want to do it even more. But neither of their parents knew about them together, so he didn't, settling for their salute/handshake they'd made up in July.

Evan returned it, halfheartedly, as if he was so tired he could barely manage to move his body. Connor watched him walk slowly down the Murphys driveway to their car, and drive away.

The last night of their break, Connor set himself onto going to bed early. Ten thirty was the best he could manage.

Before he turned off his lights, he sent Evan two quick messages.

You: I'm here for you to hold onto. We're in this together. We've got a deal, love. I care about you more than anything. I'll see you tomorrow, and don't set yourself up to worry. It will be okay. Maybe not great. Maybe not bad. But we can live with okay.

You: I love you. Goodnight.

Evan didn't respond for a half an hour, and Connor, unwillingly, fell asleep, his phone in his hands, not making a sound the whole night.

Connor's suit was too small.

He figured if he focused his mind on that, his discomfort, everything else would pale and not be as potent in his mind.

It didn't work.

With so many people dressed in black, like him, so many tears, some phony, some forced, some neither, with the smell of chicken noodle soup, hospitals, and death, with the silence save the dreary orchestral music, Connor had many reasons to cry.

Somehow he'd made it through the service, mostly by tuning everything out. He'd focused on the space of skin between the cuff of his jacket and his wrist, examining every freckle, fold, line, hair, curve. No sermons or sobs were heard by Connor. Not until afterwards anyway.

He hadn't even looked when everyone had to walk by the casket. Nope. He'd let his eyes cross, their focus just above the box and at nothing. He wouldn't look.

Right after they'd finished the procession he'd left his family, tears still dripping down their faces, onto their Sunday finery. Connor walked away, stalked across the cemetery and back to the funeral home, ignore everyone's glances.

The first closet he came across he locked himself in and cried.

There were few people left in the building, so he spared nothing in how loud he was, how messily he let the tears come, how roughly he pulled at his own hair while he hyperventilated.

How could this happen? They'd had a deal. They. Had. A. Deal. One Connor hadn't really expected how badly they'd need, how badly it would fall apart. Maybe he'd broken it, and that's why Evan did too. Maybe it really was Connor's fault. Maybe that was why Evan had never responded to him, not because he'd already been dead, not like everyone had been telling him when he had the audacity to murmur his theory out loud, but because Evan had been mad at him. Ignoring him, purposefully. Connor wondered if Evan killed himself to make a point. To make sure that Connor knew he was a shitty person.

Connor growled through his sobs, a horrendous noise, scolding himself for being so stupid, so self-centered. How could he think that? His best friend – only friend, was dead. How could he be thinking about himself? What kind of person –

And suddenly everything left him, as if it had been sucked out by a vacuum. He sobs ceased immediately, leaving him shaking and his hands and face wet with tears. His mind was blank, the heat retreating from his cheeks.

He hadn't felt such striking calm in a long time. Not since summer.

Connor curled up, hugging his knees against his chest, tucking his head between them.

How did Evan expect him to go on now?

They had a deal.

Or had they? Did it ever really mean anything? Was it ever really for something? Like Connor had forgotten their first deal, did Evan forget this one?

How was Connor supposed to go on?

He really didn't know, but he started by taking deep breaths, calming his racking body until he was nearly asleep. After letting the stillness settle over him, he slowly got to his feet, and after several more moments, he opened the door and closed it in one swift movement. There were now a few people back in the lobby, but none noticed Connor.

He took one last look around, and calmly walked outside, back to where everyone had gathered, hugging each other, wiping away their tears. He soon found his parents and Zoe by Heidi, both parties doing their best to keep each other from crying any longer. They were not wildly successful.

Connor paid them little mind, and immediately hugged his sister, standing by her with an arm around her side while their parents talked. She paused for a moment, but hugged him back, even holding him firmly against her with an arm around his back as they waited to leave.

Connor really didn't know what he was going to do.

But he was there to do it, whatever it was.

And he could do it, too.

And he made a new deal, a new promise to himself, to Evan.

He didn't know how he would go on, but he was there, he was still going, even as he didn't move, didn't speak, as the seconds flitted by. And he would. That much he knew.

And that was all he needed.