NB: This is a fanfiction about my own take on Hollyleaf and her redemption. This diverges from Warriors canon after Sunrise, where Hollyleaf flees into the tunnels. This is my first fanfiction, so all criticism welcome.
I instantly realized that everything in my life that I'd thought was unfixable was totally fixable-except for having just jumped.
-Ken Baldwin
StarClan, help me, Hollyleaf wailed in her thoughts as she ran through the darkness, but she already knew there was no help left for her. The earth shifted above her head and a storm of dust slashed at her nose and throat, catching at her breath and forcing her to cough. From far, far away she could hear her brothers screaming her name, but she did not have the voice to respond. Her paws cut into the soft dirt beneath her, and suddenly she wondered why she was bothering to run. What was the point in continuing to exist? The warrior code had failed her, and she it. The Clan would never accept her. She strained her eyes into the depths of the tunnel, and wondered if that was all her future held-darkness and shadow.
But if I die, where will I go? She was a traitor to the warrior code, no, more than that, she was an abomination, her very existence in contradiction to its most base laws. Surely StarClan could not accept cats with no Clan, no great deeds, nothing to show for her life except the taste of Ashfur's blood in her mouth. The thought slashed across her heart: Ashfur! Would I see him if I died? The fear lent wings to her paws and she burst ahead, through the dust. She realized with a thorn of anguish that she did not, after all, want to die. She was not old, and there was so much she hadn't done. Never taken a mate, never raised kits, never mentored a young cat into a warrior. Never led even so much as a patrol. Now it was all too late.
Part of the tunnel crumbled away and a rock broke free and smashed into her skull. Hollyleaf shrieked as the world went white, and tasted blood where her teeth had sunk into her tongue. Even though the tunnel was still so dark, a cat appeared, forcing her to skid to a panting halt. He was almost completely furless, and his sightless eyes bulged from their sockets. Hollyleaf caught his scent: he smelled of dust and death and time, while in the whites of his eyes glimmered the light of secrets.
"Who are you?" she cried, but he did not respond. "Am I going to die in here?" she asked instead.
The hairless cat pulled out a stick from somewhere, a long, pale one with neatly scored lines. Some had a second line crossing them, but not all. The old cat's paw brushed against eight lines: five long, three small. The thought stirred a memory in her mind, a memory of being trapped in these tunnels while rain roared overhead and the river flooded. It was not so very long ago, and yet it was almost her entire lifetime. Five apprentices. Three kits. The old cat's claw extended and touched the third of those lines where the vertical mark slashed through. Me?
Then, finally, she understood. I survived then. I can live now. "Thank you," she breathed, but he gave no sign that he'd heard, merely vanishing. A groan above her head reminded Hollyleaf that she was not yet out of danger and, forgetting her pain and nausea, she ran for her life until the tunnel opened up and she slumped into the cave where, once upon a time, two apprentices had played and loved. She might have imagined it, but she thought she could taste a trace of her brother's scent still. Too exhausted to explore further, Hollyleaf slumped onto the floor of the cave and fell into the deepest sleep she'd ever known.
She saw herself, full of ambition and hope, creeping along the shore to visit RiverClan, to discover why they were living on the island and causing so much tension among the Clans. She was shocked by how young she looked, how soft her fur, how innocent her green eyes.
-That was me-
She saw herself again, older now, creeping behind Ashfur, stalking him like a rabbit, leaping onto his back and biting down, and what she saw in her own face frightened her so badly she wanted to scream.
-That is me-
She saw Lionblaze, an apprentice again, struggling beneath the weight of Ashfur. Fury burned in both cats, and she trembled before its heat. "Tough enough?" Ashfur spat, as though talking to a nemesis. Lionblaze seemed about to speak, before Brambleclaw cut in between them with a commanding yowl. Ashfur looked up, but his eyes landed on her instead of Brambleclaw, and her breath caught at the madness in his gaze.
-That could be me-
She saw Breezepelt leaping and clawing in a forest of shadows, his paws jabbing into individuals. She could hear him snarling "Leafpool. Squirrelflight. Lionblaze. Jayfeather. Hollyleaf." Over and over, like a prayer, timed with each deadly strike.
-That will be me-
She saw a young she-cat with soft grey fur and stepped into her pelt, and gasped as her senses exploded until she could see and hear everything the world had to offer, even the soft whispers of the stars.
-Why can't that be me-
Fire now, lapping around the tree trunk while lightning roared above. Ice now, and she stumbled through the forest, too young to even know her name. Water now, and the sun sank into the endless expanse while stars shimmered above the head of a badger.
-StarClan help me-
A tortoiseshell pressed her muzzle against Hollyleaf's, her amber eyes filled with grief and love. She opened her mouth to speak, but Hollyleaf couldn't hear her voice, no matter how hard her ears strained. A massive tabby tom stepped towards her, his ears pricked in curiosity, but a terrible fear clutched at her heart and she fled them both, fur bristling in terror.
Hollyleaf's eyes flung open and she tried to leap to her paws, only to topple back into the ground as the world slid sideways. Her head and ears rang and she doubled over, being sick across the cave floor. For a few minutes she just lay there, panting, her tongue squirming vainly from the foul taste in her mouth. I can't die here, she told herself dully. At last the whining in her ears faded and she clambered to her paws, resolutely putting one in front of the other until she reached the dark river and was able to wash the sick from her face and mouth.
The cold water cleared her thoughts, and she crouched in misery as her memories returned. What do I do? What can I do? She couldn't bring herself to regret Ashfur's death, try as she might. He'd been crazy, a traitor to the code, he'd tried to kill her and her brothers, just for the sake of hurting Squirrelflight for a slight that happened long ago. A dark rage throbbed in her temples at the thought of Squirrelflight. You lying piece of fox dung! This is your fault! Yours and Leafpool's! Her claws dug into the stone. She couldn't punish Leafpool, couldn't do anything worse to her than what the medicine cat had already done to herself, but Squirrelflight...well, she still had her perfect life, didn't she? She still had things to lose...
Hollyleaf took several deep breaths, closed her eyes, and slashed her claws across her leg. Once. Twice. Blood pooled from the scratches, and she bent to clean them. The pain cut through the red haze in her thoughts. StarClan save me, I think I'm going mad. She had to get out of here before she did turn out like Ashfur, and spent seasons planning and obsessing over one act of revenge. I have my vengeance. Squirrelflight's lost Brambleclaw. She's lost the respect of her Clanmates, and my brothers will never trust her again. Let that be enough. Somehow, though, it wasn't.
She stepped away from the river and cast around, searching for a way to the surface. She knew there was a way out of these tunnels, because Heathertail had met Lionblaze here, and later on the entirety of WindClan had caught ThunderClan by surprise using the tunnels as a way to bypass the borders. Heathertail's scent would be long gone, of course, washed away by moons of rain and snow, but there might still be a trace of WindClan from the battle. If not, well...she'd have to trust blindly to luck. It was not a thing she'd ever enjoyed doing. This time, though, she was fortunate, and her scent glands picked up the slightest trace of the moorland warriors, from a tunnel that shot upwards.
Hollyleaf padded on, feeling her stomach ache with hunger. She couldn't remember the last time she had eaten. Perhaps there would be prey at the end of the tunnel...no, that would be WindClan prey! Stealing it would go against the code. Another part of her sneered at that. You're not a Clan cat! The warrior code says you shouldn't even exist. What does a rabbit matter, in the face of that? She whimpered and faltered, before resolutely shaking her head and padding onwards. The cat promised I would escape. I will get out of here. And with that thought, the tunnel opened up, and a blast of cold air and snow whipped at her face. The moorland stretched before her, the lake to one side, the mountains to the other. And beyond that? Miles and miles of nothing.
Now what? What could she do? Go back, and beg for ThunderClan's forgiveness? No, it was too late and too little, and she wouldn't say an apology she didn't mean. I had to tell them. The Clan shouldn't hold secrets like that. Go to her father in WindClan? That was even more repugnant, if they would even accept her at all. She breathed in, searching for a trace of prey, but found nothing. At least the snow should prevent any cats from finding her trail, should a WindClan patrol happen upon this tunnel. Get out of WindClan territory, she decided. Hunt. Sleep. Then decide. Her paws already growing numb from the cold, she plunged resolutely onwards, until at last she hit the scentlines that marked the end of Clan territory. The wind whipped painfully at her, the ice crystals it carried stinging at her eyes. If I don't find shelter, I could die here, she realized, and the thought added extra urgency to her steps.
She wasn't sure how long she'd been walking, long enough that she'd stopped thinking about much at all, when she stumbled across a small copse around a pool. The pool was frozen solid, of course, and the trees were bare, but thick holly bushes still provided shelter and she caught the scent of mouse. She crouched to wait for what seemed like hours before the small animal darted from its hole, squeaking slightly in fear. Hollyleaf leaped forwards and caught it cleanly. It was small and skinny, barely a meal, but the food steadied her spinning head and allowed her to feel sleepy. She scraped a small hollow in the dirt beneath the holly bushes, and curled up as tightly as she could to shield herself from the wind.
As had happened in the tunnels, a slight scent caught at her nose and her head shot up. That's familiar...She would never forget that scent, not if she lived to be a thousand moons.
Sol was here.