Collision Course

Ryan's head was pounding, a sharp all over pain like his brain was attacking him. He was driving back from work, and really didn't remember most of the trip. A few times, his brain would click on enough to let him know he was already halfway over the shoulder line of the highway. He jerked back each time, shaking himself mentally and telling himself that that wouldn't happen again, but it did. One time, he almost went over the median, but a car honked at him in time to snap him awake. The car was just in his blind spot, yeah, that's all it was.

He started gripping the steering wheel, grinding it under his hands. His body shivered with a zip of cold that went up his spine, and he involuntarily hunched over the steering wheel. Shaking himself, he straightened up, gulping down air. He tried to push away his yelling, harassing boss that still yelled at him even though work was over. He tried to push away the other lawyer that liked to get in his space, and move him out of it. He shut out the people who wouldn't listen to him. He couldn't completely shut out the resentment of working in his own space that he had worked for.

He wanted to talk, he wanted to vent. He put his phone into his lap, thinking of who to call. Darien and Serena had a kid. He wouldn't be able to talk. Wulfe wouldn't be online at this hour, and neither would Flea.

He wanted to talk, he really did. But it wasn't like anyone would believe him. If he told Kristen he was lonely, she would just say he never tried. Hell, he was mad at himself for not trying hard enough. At Jenna's last party he had stood awkwardly, making awkward jokes, with awkward silences, awkward handshakes. Hell, even the constantly sipping from his drink was awkward, trying to fill up the time spent having no idea what to do or say.

Ryan took a sharper turn than he meant to, getting onto the main road heading into town. He'd started towards Kristen's house before this moment after he'd headed home for work. He had turned abruptly around when he realized that Kristen wouldn't care about his woes. He felt stupid for even bothering her. He had a nice house, food, surviving family close by, a little nephew, a neighbor who was friendly, a car, a steady job. He'd turned around back towards his home, not wanting to bother Kristen, but had somehow already missed the turn towards home and had no real idea where he was going.

It took him a minute to recognize that tears had started the path down his cheeks. He only realized when he felt the sensation of his eyes burning. With that realization, he also found that his throat was burning. He'd been so focused on his head that he hadn't felt anything else. He gulped, trying to get saliva to wet his mouth, and getting none. He squeezed the steering will, a gross sob popping out of his mouth. He tried to suck it back down, willing himself to keep breathing, but he couldn't.

Ryan ran his hand through his hair, tugging and scratching at his scalp. His throat wouldn't quit burning. He tried reaching for his water bottle, but his shaking hand couldn't grip it, and it got bumped onto the floor. His hands were getting cold, and he started to squeeze them, but he knew it was no use. He gripped the wheel instead, trying to focus driving and not on his breath that was coming so fast that it wasn't really breathing, it was a burning sucking. He started to shake, his head feeling swollen and hot like it was exploding, his chest heaving. He felt like throwing up, and he had to choke it back.

"Why do I feel like this? This isn't healthy, it's not normal, it's nothing, it's just nothing. This is so freaking stupid. Why should anyone feel like this?" Ryan started screaming things at his steering wheel. Half the time he didn't understand what he was saying. Half of it was raw emotion, half of it was little conversations in his head, of how he'd like things to be. Kristen giving him praise, Jenna holding his hand and saying she loved him back. His little nephew saying he wanted to be like Ryan when he grew up. Ryan getting a promotion. All kinds of things. He tried to focus on how good he was doing in his job, and just remembered he'd been isolating himself, struggling to mingle with his coworkers. He'd made split decisions to "go to the bathroom" when they tried to talk to him, or went to another rest area for his break. He tried to focus on the fact that Jenna was always nice to him, and all he could think about was how he loved her, and how she was friend zoning him. He didn't want their relationship to be this way, but apparently she did. He wanted to be able to talk to Kristen, but she never listened. He knew that she saw him not as an equal, but someone to take care of like their mother. He knew Kristen wished he would just snap enough to get put into a home, so she wouldn't have to deal with him anymore except in controlled amounts of time.

God, he just felt so fucking lonely. He looked blankly up at the light, trying to remember where he was. This wasn't the light he thought he was at, he was like, four down. He was actually near the bridge that led to the highway. He really should go home, he knew he wasn't driving well. He sat too long at the light, and the guy behind him honked. Ryan started crying as he went forward instead of turning around. Maybe the highway was a good idea.

He wondered vaguely if he could get a Mack truck to hit him. He'd always heard that everything those things ran down were nothing but something to scrape off the asphalt after they were hit. He had to keep slowing down to wipe the tears and snot from his face, and cars honking. He couldn't tell if it was because he was going over the line, or too fast, or too slow. He didn't know the speed limit.

He wasn't even trying to think positive anymore, it just wasn't happening. His sobs were shaking his whole body, and his vision was blurring, and all he wanted to do was speed up and end it all. At the next like, he gripped the stick shift, squeezing it so hard his knuckles cracked. When the light turned green, he took off.

Ryan didn't even see what had hit him, he was just flung sideways and then his head was flopping about like he didn't have a neck. He had a brief view of a pole, and then his car was sliding sideways again. There was the aftermath of a loud crash in his ears, and he sat there, stunned. The shock had made him start breathing again, and the tears had stopped right along with them. He looked down at his lap at the deflated airbag in his lap.

There was a rapid tapping on his window. Ryan looked over slowly, dazed, to see a man rapping the glass backhanded with his knuckles When the man saw Ryan looking at him, he twirled his finger. Ryan rolled down the window on automatic, obeying the man. The man reached in and unlocked the door and stepped around to stand by him.

"Ya alright?" The man said.

"Yeah. Yeah... I'm, I'm okay." Ryan said. The man stared at him intensely. He had a set of really dark, intense eyes.

"No ya'ain't. Get out of the car." As Ryan got up, he watched as the man reached down and ripped away the the bottom hem of his shirt. He almost laughed at it. He thought people only did that in movies. He looked around, feeling wobbly, and the man grabbed his upper arm. Ryan looked back at him, staring up into his eyes, "Can't have you wandering into traffic now." The man proceeded to wrap the hem sideways around his head, partially covering one eye.

Ryan was astounded. He hadn't felt the blood on his head until the fabric had drawn attention to it. The man shifted and put his hand casually against the car. Ryan couldn't help notice that he was caught in a triangle now between the car, the door and the guy. Maybe he looked more dazed than he thought. Ryan slowly sat down in the driver's seat, a little sadness seeping in. He'd gotten his crash, but not the result he wanted.

"By the way, I'm Wilfred." The man said in way of introduction. Ryan looked up at him, leaning against his wrecked card, a really serious look on his face, and his midriff showing where he'd ripped away a huge chunk of shirt.

"Heh. Heh heh..." Ryan started laughing and he couldn't stop for a long few minutes. When he looked up, he was smiling, and so was the guy.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Ryan."