Feel the Ed!

A/N: This is based off a true story.

Bold- Eddy's Testimony

Italic- Edd's Testimony

Bold Italic- Ed's Testimony

Bold Italic Underlined- Kevin's Testimony

Underlined- Jimmy's Testimony

My Name is Eddy McGee, and I believe in scams and fitness. I have gotten in trouble with the law for a couple of things. I once scammed unsuspecting old folk by taking savings and giving them a 'guaranteed 401K check'. I didn't even know what a 401K was and neither did they until I was arrested. Anyways, I'll go on why these events happened. You see, everyone is born equally, so everyone has the potential. I hate squandered potential. Why, just the other day, I saw a big girl. Swore she weighed at least 500 pounds. I mean her rolls had rolls. Anyways, it all started when I worked at Peach Creek Gym.

As Eddy entered the manager, Jimmy, office, he was a sure thing. The guy was a muscle bound freak only he was short. Eddy sat down, and Jimmy stared him down. For about 1 minute, no one said a thing. Then, Jimmy began, "So Eddy 'Skipper' McGee, can I call you Skips?" Eddy nodded, even though he loathed it, "What makes you different from the other guys?" As Eddy open his mouth, Jimmy spoke again, "Neva mind. What's your max bench press?" Eddy didn't respond, "Kid, that wasn't a rhetorical question... answer it."

Eddy spoke up, "It's 400."

"Squat?"

"My squat max is 520." Eddy knew he could do more, but he didn't say so because he wanted a realistic number.

"Well," Jimmy began, "I'm done. You got the job."

Three years later and Peach Creek Gym membership skyrocketed. It was all due to Eddy.

When Edd walked in, he weighed 125 pounds. I mean the guy looked like a walking toothpick, hehe. Gave him 3 months and he could bench 250. The kid was a quick learner. He was smart, so he was apart of it.

Edd was squatting 300 pounds when Eddy walked towards him, "Whoooo! Go Sockhead! How many are you at?"

Edd's face was red, but he managed to speak as he stood up, "20." He put the weights on the rest and walked towards the closest mirror. Veins pulsed out of his bicep. Eddy walked off smiling. He walked around the gym to see his trainees. He noticed a fat woman on a treadmill. Eddy looked at her disgusted. It was only when she faced him that he smiled. He then walked to the lobby. It was then he met Kevin.

Kevin was well known in Peach Creek. He was a former college ball player when he twisted his ankle during a game and called it quits. He, now, owned a business, KevCorp. They manufactured toys and sold them around the world. It was an instant success story which is why Eddy hated Kevin. Also, Kevin bullied Eddy during childhood.

"Sup, Dorky," Kevin began in a somewhat happy voice, "I just signed up to get buff, again. I mean, I am pretty cut, but I'm not Peach Creek University Kevin. Plus, I have some free time, and I decided that this was worth it. So, Skippy, hows it been? Is the dough coming in swift?"

Eddy was peeved, but he knew that this was his last shot at having a normal life. So he responded, "Yeah, all 17,000 dollars per year."

"Cool, hey, you don't mind being my trainer, McDonalds?"

"It's McGee." Eddy replied blankly.

"Sorry, it's been a long time. Anyways, Skippy, you down for that training session?"

Eddy regretted saying 'yeah' because Kevin began instantly. At the treadmill Kevin went on and on about his glory football days. Eddy was surprised he didn't kill Kevin, yet. Then, Eddy got near Kevin, "Ewww, Dorky, what's that horrible smell? You smell like... like..." Kevin began thinking.

"It's called Jean Paul-"

"Like Ed! Remember him? Boy, that kid's feet alone made onions cry. Whoo! I remember one time he farted, and they had school fumuerated."

"Fumigated?" Edd, in the distance, yelled.

After 3 weeks, Eddy wanted to kill himself.

Was I suicidal? Define suicidal.

One day, Eddy was at home making a protein shake while watching T.V. and doing tricep curls with a 100 lb dumbbell. Then, an infomercial popped on the screen. It was an Asian man speaking, "Are you tired of being broke? Is your life worthless? Let me tell you something. There are 2 kinds of people in this world: doers and don'ters. Are you a doer?"

This guy understood me.

The next day, Eddy plotted something. He was going to kidnap Kevin, steal all his money, and make the world a better place. Eddy tried to get Edd to join.

"Eddy, what happens if we get caught." Edd replied.

"Racketeering." Eddy smirked, "C'mon, Sockhead, I know what I'm doing!"

I joined for unspecified reasons, thank-you.

As Edd was watching 'Girls Gone Wild', he reached in his pants. He tried his best, but it wouldn't come up, "What the?" Edd looked in his pants, and he began to cry, "Those Kev/Edd stories are true!" He cried believing he was gay for Kevin. Fun fact: Steroids cause erectile disfunction.

"Very well, then. However, are we the only assailant?" Edd asked Eddy.

"No." Eddy smirked, "There's this guy you have to meet."

The first thing Edd saw Ed do was bench 550 pounds, "Holy, crap! He's a behemoth!" Edd screamed.

"No, I'm not." Ed retorted. The lummox placed the bar on the handle and looked at Eddy, "Sup, Eddy."

"Sup, Lothar." Eddy replied making Ed smile.

"His name is Lothar?" Edd asked confused.

"So," Eddy began, "Wanna do some work."

Edd kept interrupting, "So what do you do at home? Eat pussy, beat up guys, suck dick..."

"What!?" Ed responded a little pissed at Edd.

"Don't mind him," Eddy began, "About our job."

"Told you Eddy. I'm a born again Christian."

Yes, I, Lothar, am a born again Christian. I've seen god's incredible might. Plus, I was accepted into Father O'Halley's church. He, too, was an ex-convict like me. I never knew what he did until... until that day. I don't wanna talk about it.

Ed was watering down Father O'Halley's roses when the Father came with lemonade, "Here you go, Ed." O'Halley said as he handed the 6'4'' tall lummox a drink, "Ooo, your sweat glistens in the sun." O'Halley continued. O'Halley grabbed a lemonade and drank it.

Once Ed was done, he handed the Father the glass, "I can't thank you enough, Father."

O'Halley grabbed the glass and replied, "Oh, well, you know you are very good. But, why don't you rest," O'Halley walked behind Ed and wrapped his arm around Ed, "With me." Ed looked at the Father strangely.

What did he mean by that?

When Ed's fist hit O'Halley, blood spurted everywhere.

Ed looked at Eddy, "No one is gonna get hurt?"

Eddy knew no one would get hurt, save for Kevin, and it would only be stealing his money, "Right!"

"So, Ed," Edd began, again, "You're not gay, are you?"

Ed remembered O'Halley, "NO!"

"Sheesh," Eddy joined, "What up with the gay question, Double D?"

"BECAUSE I-I'M GAY!" Edd cried.

"What?" Both Eds yelled.

"When I was watching a porno, my thing couldn't get up." Edd cried. Ed and Eddy looked at each other before laughing wildly. Edd got angry, "Shut up! I said Shut up!"

"Geez, Sockhead," Eddy began, "I thought you were smart. Does erectile disfunction sound familiar?"

"Oops," Edd made a fool of himself.

"Anyways," Eddy commanded, "on to the plan!"

A/N: Did you like the comedic aspect?