Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. Not even a little.
A/N: I would love to hear your thoughts on what I did with mine today, writing this.
Trembling Deep
As Kurt gradually finds his way back to his mind, he first feels the arms that are wrapped around him.
The little warmth captured between him and Blaine, Kurt knows must be Blaine's, his own body feeling cold.
"So cold," he whispers, lips trembling.
His whole face feels cold and wet with traces of tears clinging to his skin, he hadn't realized - not until now - he has been crying.
It is such a strange sensation, fresh, hot tears running over tracks aged into the contours of his face.
"Is that why you did it? Kurt? Is this why you hurt yourself?" Blaine asks, softly, but unable to entirely keep the urgency out of his voice.
Kurt tries to answer, he really does, but all his mouth is willing to do is gap open in a silent sob, maybe scream, he himself does not even know. His insides certainly feel like they are torn apart by screams, so Kurt cannot deny the possibility. Not to himself.
Kurt does not know what he can say to Blaine, what he could say, even if he had his voice at hand right now, which he - it is almost needles to say - does not. All he has is his body, showing his unrest.
He is rocking himself in Blaine's embrace. And it takes a moment to realize that Blaine has started rocking with him. Cradling him, keeping him close, trying to spend all he can. Hoping it is what Kurt needs. Hoping it is enough.
Eyes flowing over with so much more than tears he turns his head, to look at Blaine, asking, begging him to see, and Blaine does: The need to be reminded of what it feels like to be loved. The shame of thinking that he has done something wrong because he cannot remember by himself right now that he is loved by Blaine. That Blaine has caried love in him for Kurt from the moment they met.
So as Kurt turns his head back around, away from Blaine, and Kurt's hands shakily come to cover his face, Blaine pulls him closer, attempts to move closer too, all at once. Bringing his hands to cradle Kurt's lovingly in support.
Kurt crying and rocking back and forth in a motion too quick, utterly too shaky and quick to hold or spend anything soothing, Blaine moves to rest his chest and head on Kurt's back, hoping for Kurt to fall into the rhythm of Blaine's steady breathing with him, hoping Kurt can find the focus to feel it, somewhere past the pain crushing his insides, excrutiatingly slowly collapsing his lungs and squeezing a never ending flow of tears out of the boy's body, filling the room their absence leaves with the sting of exhaustion.
Kurt crying into both their hands, tears finding paths through fingers clasped tight, but not able to hold much more than the tracks of salt sticking to them, Blaine tries to stay calm, for the boy he loves.
The feel of the tears remind Kurt of the blood gushing form the cuts, trickling hot down his arms and through his fingers. Over cold skin, over senses that felt dead then, feel cold now, and Kurt wonders, hopes that cold is better than dead.
"I'm so scared Blaine," Kurt sobs the words out, between desperate gasps and more and more tears, "I'm so, so scared I will forget. Ffforget to rerememmmber you love me and and and do it ahahgain, try to...try to," Kurt turns and burrys his head in Blaine's chest, swallowing the words he cannot say, just cannot, screaming desperately into Blaine's chest instead. In frustration for feeling this way. In pain. Blaine holding on to Kurt, keeping the boy falling apart in his arms together for as long as Kurt needs, Blaine hopes.
The screaming helps, Kurt is suprised by the feeling himself. Like he is pushing all that is not supossed to be there, all the feeling that does not belong with him, out. He feels lighter, but the focus of the screaming stopped he begins to tremble again, more than before. And he knows Blaine who has till now held him silently, must feel it too.
Kurt whimpers as Blaine loosens his embrace for a brief moment as he grabs the blanket lying next to them on the carpeted floor and wraps it around the two of them, fearing, somehow knowing, that his own warmth is not enough to take the cold, the icy cold, from Kurt's bones.
"I'm here Love. I'm right here. Not going anywhere, not going anywhere without you," Blaine hums, longing to sooth, to ease the tremble shaking Kurt's body, the pain weighing down on Kurt's small frame.
More time passes, Blaine does not know how much, then Burt steps into the room, without knocking, knowing there is no use in asking how either boy is doing right now, only trying to see for himself. He finds Kurt rocking himself, restless, in Blaine's arms. Blaine doing his best to match the motion, to stay close, give comfort, provide warmth.
When Blaine notices Burt the conversation between the two consists entirely of looks of worry, of concern exchanged between them. And Burt leaves again a moment later, after mouthing a 'Thank you,' to Blaine, which is met with a nod from the boy knowing how to read it.
It takes time, but there is a point when warmth seems to begin to come from Kurt's body again, the rocking motion by now entirely Blaine's, Kurt growing quiet, leaning into Blaine; Blaine hoping this is a good sign, fearing it might not be, hating, for sure, that he does not know, has no way to tell. After all, when he had found Kurt sitting alone in the kitchen this morning, early, he had been quiet too, and that had turned out to not be good, not at all.
And as their warmth mingles, under the blanket, Kurt gradually grows entirely still in Blaine's arms. Breathing remaining shaky for now and hitching from time to time, but noticeably breathing, Blaine thinks hopeful.
Blaine knows things are better, when he begins to run his hands up and down Kurt's body, in an attempt to allow their shared warmth to flow more freely between them, through them, and Kurt responds with trying to sink deeper still into Blaine's embrace.
And then there are even words again. And Blaine knows by now that is a good sign with Kurt, the best, because it means there are clearer thoughts again to, and they lend focus to Kurt, more than Blaine holding him ever could. Because what Kurt really needs desperately is to be able to hold himself, and the return of thoughts and speech is a sure sign he is on his way, they are on their way, back to each other. And to Blaine being able to do more for Kurt than hold his trembling form.
It is a whisper, "I love you," and Blaine has to smile, at this being the clearest, most easily accesible, most prominent thought Kurt carries in his mind.
"I love you." It is the sweetest of echoes. "You with me again yet?" Blaine asks quietly, patiently waiting, running a hand through Kurts hair, feeling Kurt's weight completely relaxed into him by now, and glad to be able, to be allowed to do that for Kurt. Feeling nervous too though, in a way he had not expected. Kurt had never before allowed him so close when so low. And Blaine is scared of what might come next, of Kurt pushing him away, now, tomorrow, next week, maybe, because he will feel exposed under Blaine's gaze. Knowing what those eyes have seen. Fearing how different those eyes might see him now. After.
For now there is no pushing away, and Blaine hopes it is not just the exhaustion Kurt must feel when Kurt simply breathes out, shakily still, and tries to let certainty show in his voice when he replies, "Soon," his right hand moving to intertwine with Blaine's left, gasping as their fingertips touch and realisations of what just happened begin to sink in.