A/N; This idea has been floating around my head for some time now this chapter is very dark, but as the story progesses it will get lighter!.. Enjoy, review, and thank you!
I didn't understand it at first, the shadows I mean. I didn't know why they chose me to chase. I knew I was losing my mind, that I was sure of. It started with whispers, I would hear them at random times. They made their presence clear everytime I would try to sleep. They got louder as time went on, they transformed into screams. Cloudy my mind with nothing but loud shrieks, sometimes I couldn't make out what they were saying, as if they were faint voices in another place, other times they were so clear as if they were screaming right in my face, but I could never see. It got out of hand. I couldn't take it anymore, I needed to end it, to escape the torment. So I dont the only thing I could think of, I turned to alcohol and drugs and numbed my body, and my mind from them for a few hours, sometimes iI'd numb myself for days on end. They made the voices disappear, I was free for a brief period. I knew it was wrong, numbing the pain, numbing them away. I thought I was getting better when I started dating Sam. He was a nice charming boy, loving and caring, a true gentleman, his only downfall was that he had a secret love for weed. Sam seemed to clear the voices when I was near him, but at other times they were louder then ever before. They appeared more frequently in his presence as time went on, it was almost as if he were working with them, I knew that wasn't true. How could Sam possibly know about the voices If i never told him? I left him, not because I didn't like him, but because I was hurting myself by trigging the voice. And just as I thought The screams reappeared, screaming meaningless things and other times ordering me to do things, thinags that I knew I shouldn't but I had no power.
Thats when the cutting began. The screams subdued to icily high pitched voices saying, "look at the contorl you have, think of the power" over and over again until it was drummed into my head. And the blades were the only thing I could think of, the sting, blood. It was intoxicating. The drugs of course were still an escape. But they brought me into an even darker mysterious world. The world of the shadows, where darkness overtook humanity, they grasped at my ankles and pulled me in deeper and deeper untill I could hardly push my way back out, but they always let me out again, back to voices who were always waiting, knowing that I would soon want to escape the voices and my only choice was to return to the shadows.
After awhile the shadows would appear in daylight they took a form, a man in a white tuxedo appeared most times, he had sandy blonde hair, and piering blue eyes, he'd smile at me with the shapest teeth I'd ever seen, he'd say the same thing everytime. "Who are you?" I'd ask. "I am your gaurdian Angel" he'd simply reply. But how could a gaurdian Angel make me do these things to myself? Aren't they meant to protect you from the darknee? He'd tell me to take the blade to my stomach that way no one would know. I'd try to fight against it but he told me to think of the control I have when I do it. I always lost my self control and do as he'd say everytime he appeared. The drugs soon started losing their effect. The still pushed me into the shadow, but I wasn't numb anymore and the voices soon started mingling with the shadows. Screaming at me, the shadows pulling me into them. I couldn't escape no matter how hard I fought against them. They over took everything, soon the voices were the only thing I could hear, the blade the only thing I could feel, the shadows the only thing I could see. My life became a distant memory, I stopped eating, the need for food not being important, the need for drugs more insistent. I was losing my mind. I knew I was it didn't take a genius to understand that the shadows and voices weren't normal. When the shadows took form and appeared again again I'd ask "What do I have to do to get you to leave?" he laughed, a cold shrill of a laugh that sent shivers down my spine, and said "why Quinn my dear, I can't leave" and he disappeared the sickening laugh still remained in the back of my head along with other many whispers.
As school approached I was surrounded by hundreds more people, I noticed that the voices left me for hours, and the shadows disappeared instead leaving in their wake, a beaming ray of light. I thought they had gone forever, but as I returned home, they returned with me. The same things being said in my mind "cut, your mine, ours all ours". School was easing the pain, I began feeling normalcy return to my being, but even then I was never normal, people fascinated me. I would stare at them from for hours trying to figure out how they worked. Even now they manage to draw me in. I would distance myself from other people in my class, but not to far, I was afraid of losing the light. I couldn't manage my demons at school. It would be too hard. I had one friend, well she wasn't really a friend, more a rival. Her name was Santana Lopez. She was chased by all the boys, and some of the girls. She was beautiful and intimidating. She was desierable but desoiced at the same time. I wouldn't say that I hated her, how could I hate anything that kept the shadows at bay?
Acording to her I am wanted by many of the boys, I think thats why she sees me as a rival. I never considered myself desirable, around a year ago I slept around alot, because I though it was normal, and it was numbing. But never did I think any of those boys actually wanted me for anything other than my body. The only person I ever showed a little interest in was Sam. But I lost him to the voices. Even considering a friendship with Santana was frightening, anything I let in runs away as soon as the discover that I'm nuts, and nothing hurst more, not even my demons. No one ever stays long enough to fight with me, to break down the barriers, but then again I have never let anyone That close. Im demaged goods, a broken mess, a piece of shredded paper, scraps. And no one wants scraps. Theres only ever been two people in this world that have stood by me as much as I'd let them in this world. My mother Judy and my sister Fran. Judy is a circus director which means that she isn't always around, she hasn't been since I was fifteen she travels alot, but she calls everyday, she send me cheques and she visits whenever she can. Fran lives in New Jersey, just like Judy she calls and visits whenever she can. I don't know who my father is, and not because my mum was some slut who got knocked up. But because he never wanted to know me. The doctors used to think that, that had driggered the voices that consumed my mind. But that was utter bullshit. I was always mental, pretty, but mental.
Anyway yes, Santana fucking Lopez.
Had saved me from my demons. I don't know how or what led me to her the day of the festival but I ended up bathing in her radiant light. Judy's new circus was kicking off it's tour in our town, Lima Ohio that day and as always the council had thrown together a huge street parade. Of people in various costumes, men dressed as donkeys, women in dazzling sparkling outfits, children with their faces painted, fireworks exploding and street performers appearing at every new turn. To any normal person thsi would have been extremely and fun. But for me it was the devils way of saying "welcome to hell" and hell it was. It was beautiful, horrifying and it was intoxicating. I was running around my head fogging from whatever substance I had taken from Sam, I was looking for him and when I found him I was terrified. He had transformed completely, his skin had disappeared he was mere bones, the voices were chanting two words 'word heart' and suddenlyt it clicked. Sam was the Bone King and he wanted my heart. Everything went black and all I could see was the Bone King, the shadows once againg caging me in, I ran for what felt like an eternity untill I saw it. The sun rays, beaming down on the ground. I knew If i got to them I'd be safe from The Bone King. I ran as fast as I could towards the light, it felt like time had slowed. I stopped just before I reached the light, there stood Santana Lopez in all her glory, In the crowd watching a float. She was dressed up for the festival, in an angels costume, her hair flowing down her back, showing alomost real wings. She looked like a real angel, she was actually floating. I smiled at her, and ran, bathing myself in her glorious light. I clung to her as tough my life depended on it, which I knew it did, I felt the safest I ever have, floating in her embrace.
And then everything came back into view.