Mellie could not believe that she was here standing in front of his grave. It has been three months since his death but it was still difficult to take in. He had left her before; requested a divorce and she gave it to him. They were done. They had dragged each other the through the depths of hell until there was no fight left. And it hurt. It hurt like a gunshot to the chest, but this, this was unimaginable pain. He left her before but that was it. It was only Mellie that he was leaving. Now he had left Karen and Teddy. Now he had left Olivia.
Mellie was surprised to find herself fighting the anger and guilt that tried to bubble up as she watched Olivia wrap her arms around herself, trying desperately to keep from falling apart. He had left her.
For a year after the divorce Mellie was full of anger and resentment, unable to fully accept that after twenty years she found herself alone and not having achieved what she'd dreamed about since childhood. Before she married Fitz she had stopped believing that America would ever elect a female president so she had let the dream die. So, to meet a man who was as handsome, charming and had as much political potential as Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III was a sign that maybe she wasn't meant for the presidency but to be the support behind a powerful man. Maybe it wouldn't happen the way she had always dreamed but she could still live in that big, white house.
Now, she could admit to herself that her initial interest in Fitz wasn't purely romance and no one had a hard time believing that, but what they couldn't seem to grasp was that she had actually loved him. It came as a surprise to her as well. Watching her parents taught her that marriage was about compatability and companionship and not necessarily love. But she had loved him when they said their vowels and continued to for the first few years of marriage. Then Big Jerry happened. Shortly after Little Jerry happened and that was the beginning of the end of their marriage; of their partnership.
She withdrew emotionally. She blamed herself for what happened. She should have told Fitz the truth about their first meeting; how it had been arranged by their fathers. She shouldn't have cared so much about getting into the White House. Cared so much that she basically agreed to keep it a secret. Mellie spent many nights trying to rationalize her decision.
She told herself that if Fitz knew then he would no longer want her. That he wouldn't even be able to look at her if his father, who he often hated, had touched her. It would destroy them and his presidential candidacy. They'd have nothing. She would have nothing, not even her husband. So she kept it a secret and in the end it still destroyed them. The worst moments were when in the middle of an argument Fitz's face would morph into one of pure confusion. It was like a stab to the gut. His marriage was falling apart and he didn't even know why. She couldn't tell him why.
The pain of guilt and regret, anger and frustration would eat away at her from the inside out and instead of backing down she would attack with full force. Yelling and screaming, calling him names, saying things she didn't mean. Things like she never loved him and she wished she had never met him. There were times she could see it in his eyes that he believed her and evetually she got what she wanted. He left her alone.
A part of her blamed him as well. She knew it was irrational and unfair but she did all the same. Why didn't he protect her? How could he not know what kind of man his father was? When he saw that she was pulling away why didn't he try harder to get her to talk to him? It wasn't fair but it was how she coped. Only after the divorce, when she wasn't trying so hard to hold on, did she allow herself to bear the brunt of the blame. She had failed and all her poor decisions had come back to bite her. So much time was wasted and she often found herself wishing that they had called it quits much sooner. Maybe, by now, she would have been happy again. Maybe Olivia would have had more time.
Olivia. In the three years since the divorce she and Mellie had been able to call a truce. They aren't friends but even through the worst of it Mellie has always held a fondness for the woman. She can recall a time, before everything became such a mess, when she thought they'd make good friends. It had been when Cyrus first introduced them and she was impressed by her intelligence, charm and take-no-prisoners attitude. Even though Olivia was younger Mellie admired and respected her. Being a politicians wife gave her very little time and opportunity for genuine friendship and Olivia's presence had lit a spark of hope. When she discovered the affair she felt betrayed by them both. The few times that she or Fitz actually tried to stay away from each other Mellie told herself that things were better but the distance between husband and wife grew. It was like they had forgotten how to act around each other. They fought less, but sometimes she caught herself tip toeing around him. He was like a stranger to her and she didn't doubt that he felt the same. She knew he missed her and it stung, but sometimes she found herself wanting to run some idea by Olivia only to remember that she was staying away. She blamed Fitz for this too even when he told her he was doing it for them. So she found reasons to get Olivia back in the White House. She actually stooped so low as to beg her husband's mistress to come back. In the fight to keep Fitz she was fighting for Olivia as well. Olivia's advice held more value than what was left between husband and wife. She could see now that that was really the moment she had actually given up on saving her marriage.
When Fitz put her out and moved Olivia in she had to watch from a distance as Olivia once again did the impossible by making America fall in love with her. She could tell that Olivia wasn't happy. Of course she was just as good at pretending as Mellie had been, but she had spent enough time with her to know when she wasn't being genuine. When she smiled her top lip would curl just a bit more than was natural and even though her eyes never left the individual with which she was engaged for more than a few seconds you could tell, well Mellie could tell, that her mind was miles away. Fitz didnt seem to realize. His smiles were genuine. He was on cloud nine. She wasn't surprised by this because like most men, unless it was painfully obvious, he tended to believe what you told him. On one occasion she had to stop herself from trying to warn him. It almost felt like self betrayal that she even possessed the desire to do so. When she told Cyrus he said it was just her 'Once again wanting to show that she was always two steps ahead of her husband' and a set up for an 'I told you so' later. Although she would never use those words Mellie knew herself well enough to admit that if the opportunity arose she would not so casually remind him of her warning. So she got over it and tried not to be bitter when they successfully made it through the last year of his presidency. The reality was, she didn't have to try that hard.
Distance and her seat on the Senate had helped to put things into perspective. She was making her own decisions; no longer in the background. Her children were much happier and she knew that was because she was happier. Fitz was happier. When she saw him with Olivia he was a different man. He was like the man she first met but more self assured as if he knew he was where he was always meant to be. She wondered if she would ever know that feeling. Looking at the shell Olivia had become in the short time since his death she wondered if it was worth it. If losing your soulmate did this, was it worth the risk?