Author's Notes:Its scathing parody time! I've learnt a little from DarkDanny's rip-roaring satirical fic, and I've decided to do my own. This is dedicated to my friend, SihaKatieKrios, who is apparently suffering from a massive IQ drop in addition to PTSD from a completely crap story that flamed Miranda for no reason and did it in such a terrible way that even I need bleach to unsee that fucking…shit, and DarkDanny, whose fic inspired me to do this one-shot. Oh, if you get offended…up yours. Do note that I have nothing against Talimancers (y'know, whatever makes you happy do go for it, and I actually like Tali. Yeah, the ME1 one, not the new one), but I do have something against haters. That would be the cold-forged barrel of an IAR. Let's go, mother huggers! Time to laugh at some excerpts of memorable epic fails!

It was beyond boring for Commander John Shepard. It had been 4 months since he'd blown up the Collector Base and 2 since he'd killed the Shadow Broker. And there was absolutely nothing to do. Not even one distress call to answer. "Dammit…why can't Timmy boy send me another mission already?"He grunted to himself as he powered up his terminal and headed to his favorite fanfic site and logged in onto his specially made celebrity account. Heck, everyone in the galaxy knew that Commander John Shepard loved reading good fanfics, and that's why there was always a steady stream of fics based around him and his team, most of it-well, what did young people use the extranet for anyways? Even though it had been slightly more than 3 years of searching the site for good fics, Shepard only found a couple of them that interested him in the long term.

"Hmm…let's see what we have here tonight…"He mumbled to himself before he heard Miranda Lawson, his girlfriend, whining in bed as she slept and pawed at his pillow. "John…please…I'm so hot for you…"She moaned softly as she continued pawing his pillow while Shepard stifled his laughter. When Shepard melted away her ice bitch façade, he found that she was a strong, caring, loyal and loving woman who was simply yearning for some love, affection and trust. But the most shocking thing was that Miranda Lawson, former ice queen of Cerberus, was the definition of the word 'nymphomaniac'. The very first time he'd made love to her after they'd saved Oriana, they went 9 rounds before Shepard couldn't take it anymore, yet Miranda was still pleading for more.

"Who could imagine she'd be such a horny little firecracker when she's alone with me?"He chuckled softly to himself as he went down the list of new fanfics. There were some with Kasumi/Jacob pairings, some Garrus/Kelly, and some totally bizarre ones. "Samara and…Tali? What?"Shepard crinkled his eyebrows in disbelief as he stopped at one that looked promising. "The Illusive Man explains to Operative Lawson how you convince a paragon to stay…oh well, here goes nothing."He mumbled as he opened it up and noticed that the author was someone named OnTrollsPath. He then began to read…

The Illusive Man took a puff of his cheap Shanxi black market cigarette and breathed out a black plume of smoke that resembled his heart. The holoprojector fired up and Miranda stood there leaning to the right with a hand on her waist looking like a bitch as per normal.

"Miranda, where's Shepard? I wanna mind control him NAO."

"He went with Joker to check on the ship. I agree, we should control him NAO. Cause we're so dumb and evil."

"What is this...I don't even...next!"Shepard grumbled as he closed it, only to find another one written by the same author. "Dammit, I must be a glutton for punishment."He sighed as he opened it as Miranda's moans got louder. "Oh yes honey baby, right there-ooh!"Miranda squeaked as she humped his pillow in her sleep as he started sniggering. And she always sleeps commando, Shepard grinned as he turned his attention back to the screen. "I love Tali so much it's creepy...yadda yadda blah...oh. Hey, a traitor's a traitor kid. They gotta go. So what if Miranda shot him in cold blood? He would've done the same."He mumbled, addressing the author, but actually it was just the screen. "Mechs…meeting Tali…yep, getting interesting."

Shepard recognized her. Tali ZOMG AWSUM!

"I'm not taking any chances with Cerberus operatives! They're bad evil and stupid!"

"Put your weapons down! Shepard... Is that... You're alive?" Tali just couldn't believe her eyes. It looked like him. His eyes, his stance it probably was him...but she never noticed that crap anyways. But he's dead. No chance to fulfill her fantasies now.

"You remember that Geth data I gave you, Tali lovey smoochy... Did it help you finish your pilgrimage?"

"Yes it did. COMMANDER SHEPPY ZOMG I LURVE U!"

"Of course, Quarians," Miranda scoffed. "You must have been the ones who activated the mechs."

"We didn't-" Tali tried to get out.

"Of course, you did! Are you behind the colony disappearances?"

"No!"

"Oh come on! Since the incident between Cerberus and the Quarians it would make sense you would try to get back at Humanity. I mean, I know the quarians can't even house themselves but what the hell right? I need to look stupid in this fic."

"What the hell are you doing Miranda? You have a choice! REBEL AGAINST THE WRITER!" Jacob yelled.

"Only pointing out the obvious. The colony is gone and here they are! Goddammit, I can't resist the writer!"

"Lawson, stand down!" Shepard ordered.

"No, I won't. We should kill them where they stand cause I'm like, totally evil. And stupid."

Shepard pulled his pistol out and aimed at Lawson. "Back off now! I'm ordering you to stand down because I can't lose the...err...woman I've had Pedobear fantasies about ever since she joined me!"

"And I'm ordering you to take them out. Really Shepard? Pedobear? Oh God."

Shepard drew a sharp breath. He shook as his body slowly turned towards Tali and her group.

"What are you doing, Shepard? I thought you were going to jump into bed with me!" Tali cried.

"I-I c-can't c-control it," he stuttered. "My b-body isn't r-responding. M-m-my fucking Tourette's..."

Tali's squad raised their weapons, but Tali stood in their way. "Get out of the way Zorah! I'm a terrible shitshot!" Prazza yelled.

"No!"

"What did you do to him?" Jacob demanded.

"Shepard was a major investment for Cerberus and I made sure that investment didn't turn on us. Shepard has a control chip in his head and he will follow my directions. To see him kill one of his old friends will only go to show how powerful the chip is. I mean, it's so evil right? Awesome."

Shepard watched as his arms slowly drifted towards Tali. The pistol came closer and closer to pointing at her.

"You've gone too far! You should've resisted the crappy writing!" Jacob charged up his biotic powers and tried to attack her. Miranda waved her arm sending a ball of dark energy into Jacob. The impact sent him flying into the wall knocking him out cold, which is why he's so useless.

"Now kill them, I want to be back home in the next hour. Hurry up!" She said as she stood behind him.

Shepard's pistol aimed at Tali's head as he strained every nerve against his Tourette's. Damn thing had plagued him since childhood, and in fact, his Tourette's acted up just as he was about to reattach his breathing apparatus. If it didn't act up then, he would've survived.

"Zorah, get out of the way! I can't GODDAMN SHOOT STRAIGHT!" Prazza yelled.

"No! Shepard, please. Fight it so we can spend all day and night in bed with me idol-worshipping you!"

"T-Tali. O-Order your squad to... Kill me. I hate h-h-having th-t-this damn Tou-T-Tourette's!" Shepard fought so hard to prevent himself from pulling the trigger. Blood was starting to drip from one of his nostrils as he'd picked his nose too hard even though his mom told him not to before getting off the shuttle.

"I-I can't!" she cried. "I already lost you once! I need to keep my idol alive! My lord! My leader!" Tali would never be able to live with herself if she ordered her squad to kill him.

"I would rather die than hurt you. Wow, I think my T-T-T-f-f-fuc-fuck."

"Please! Fight your Tourette's!" she begged.

"What are you waiting for, Shepard?" Miranda demanded. "Kill her. I wanna catch the final round of Citadel Idol for God's sakes! It starts in half an hour!"

Blood started dripping from his other nostril. "I w-w-w-won't!" he growled. Shepard shook as he turned around. "I won't…piss in my pants!"

Miranda's eyes widened as Shepard suddenly spun around facing her with his gun pointed at her head. "Oh shi-" Bang! She fell limp to the ground and missing the top of her head.

The pistol slid out of his hands as Shepard fell over onto the ground as he succumbed to his Tourette's. Tali rushed over to him and began dry humping him. "Shepard!" He rolled over on his back. Blood covered his mouth. "Please tell me you're alright so we can have surprise buttsecks!"

"Just a headache. Oh fuck, I pissed my pants. FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"He screamed, tears running down his face as humiliation set in.

"Oh come the fuck on! This is bullshit! This isn't Miranda! This isn't Tali! This isn't even worthy of existence!"Shepard roared, bashing the table in a fit of righteous anger, eventually waking Miranda up. "Oh Johnny b-wha?"She asked blearily as she sat up, rubbing her beautiful cerulean eyes clear of sleep before she trotted over to Shepard. "It's nothing Randa hon-" "No really, what's gotten you so pissed off?"Miranda interrupted Shepard, who just gestured to the screen and Miranda began reading, her eyes widening with shock and utter horror as she absorbed the utter stupidity and hate splashed on the screen. "What? An undefended installation? What the bloody hell does the author think this is, little kids playing forts! The Illusive Man is SO much smarter than that!"Miranda raged against the screen as Shepard simply facepalmed due to the lack of words about the epic failure before him.

"Miri, calm down."Shepard sighed from within his hands as Miranda plopped into an empty chair beside him as she brushed a stray lock of raven hair behind her ears as her short velvet magenta nightgown rode further up her smooth, creamy white thighs, giving Shepard a very good view of her female goods down there as he stared there, entranced by the perfectness of it. "Well honey, let's make good on your desire, hmm?"Miranda purred as she sidled next to Shepard, fondling his manhood through his boxers as it came to full attention almost immediately. Only Miranda had this kind of power over him, and she knew it.

"Wait, I just saw something really interesting…hmm…Trololo Subject 23 by The trollzoman. Part SI, part OC...okay here goes…God please, don't let this…oh man. 'Drip drip drip?' Really, that's the best he could do? Oh God. The paragraphing is terrible…"Shepard mumbled nonstop as he and Miranda read about how some guy who'd been experimented on by Cerberus who could strangely enough turn himself into water awakening and his torture. "Blah blarg blah…I'm looking for the one who tortured me…and…oh for fucks sakes…really? Miranda? And 'WHIRRCHUNK' on a door? This is headed for fail…yet I wanna read on…" "John, stop. Don't read."Miranda sighed as she realized it was yet another degenerative, pointless and completely retarded flamefic against her, but Shepard didn't listen.

"Okay, chapter 2…author's notes…"Shepard mumbled, and his jaws clenched and his eyes bulged in rage at the utter stupidity and childishness of the writer.

Now, to understand this epic fail masquerading as a fic, let me just start by saying that I REALLY didn't like the character for Miranda. She came across as being a complete bitch because she wouldn't idol worship me and make my sammichez, LULZ. "Oh, but she's got a hot ass and the personality to match!" Yeah yeah, welcome to planet earth, which I have NO idea where it is, hee ha. Ass or no ass, she's a bitch because I'm totally scared of strong women like her...I hate being an abused kid...also, I'm not man enough to face up to a real woman who questions me, challenges me and won't make my sammichez like every bitch out there is supposed to.

"Lord, help..."Shepard groaned as he endured the terribly written chasing of Miranda through the Normandy by the monster, and how Miranda sacrificed Chakwas to save herself and how she was completely xenophobic. "Are you fucking kidding? That would never happen, you dickhead! She isn't xenophobic either you fuckwit! Go back to school, goddammit! And actually learn something in class! Maybe you'll know what xenophobic means!"Shepard raged as he inexplicably read on, but not before turning the de-bullshit-ifier on his WinTrolls which made all the bullshit words in the story appear as the actual meaning in brackets. Finally, he came to the last bit where the monster caught Miranda after some dialog that was probably written by a drunk and stoned 10 year old.

"As soon as we come back, I'm killing her like the man (pussy) I am. Torture her, and then kill her because she's evil and stupid and I'm a sadist written by someone awesome (a serial murderer in the making). Also, just in case she tries to run…" He grabs Miranda's arm, and forces her hand open. Currently, she is screaming like a bitch (just like me, the awesome (loser) author all the time, hee), trying to get away. Shepard moves to help her, but Jacob grabs her arm as commanded by the super (batshit insane) writer (me). She looks at him, and Taylor just shakes his head, unable to resist the cool (demented) 13 year old (me) writing this (fail) fic. 23 plunges the blade into her hand, and her shrieks pierce the air. Mine (your shit author) would've been louder because I'm a brave boy (pussy and a little girl). He retracts the blade, grabs her hand and squeezes, sating his perverted obessesion. It's apparent it hurts like hell, like; I like being obvious because I'm (the author) a genius (dumbass) so I must be totally obvious. He lets go, and she snatches back her hand. "There. I'm set now. No matter where you go, I'll be able to find you because I'm a stalker, stalking is my game. I can't wait until we finish this mission." He hops off the crate, smashing his handsome (butt ugly) face against another crate while she struggles to get down. She views her hand, and as she does, her eyes go wide with horror at the fact that she's been touched by a god (a filthy, lowlife scumbag stalker).

The hole which 23 had made with his blade was replaced with a gel-like substance (cheapshot reference to several failed B-grade horror films that didn't even make it to direct release). "My version of the black mark. It means your going to die like in those stupid horror movies. It also responds to my abilities (none; empty threat) when I'm nearby, so I'll always be able to find you. Your marked Lawson, now it's just a matter of time before I tap that while your sleeping. Oh yes, STALKING TIME BITCHES! I'm CHIEF STALKER and I'm GONNA RAPE YOU!"

Commander John Shepard stared at the screen blankly. Here he was, trying his damndest to save this galaxy. A galaxy full of these hateful morons. "Enough is enough! Black gel? What the fuck does this jackass think he is, R.L. Fucking Stine writing goddamn Goosebumps? I will reclaim this site from this scourge! Onward to glory and honor! Commander Shepard's in business!"He roared as he began to type burningly truthful reviews to those fics, which actually turned out to be more of a flame because of the epic failure of those stories, which gave him exactly nothing to compliment. Normally, Commander John Shepard would simply ignore these hatefics, but no. He would not stand by idly and let these grave injustices continue.

When he was done, he turned to EDI's console. "EDI, hack into the addresses of those failed authors and block their extranet access. We will spread love, not hate!"He said in a classic inspirational poster stance as Miranda stood up, hugging his strong chest while EDI replied with "Of course Shepard. That much fail should be given the immediate banhammer. That was not a joke."

"Ooh, I'm so horny whenever you do the inspirational leader stance."Miranda giggled as Shepard spun her around into his embrace. "I bet you always are."Shepard grinned as Miranda pouted before her eyes took on a predatory, mischievous glint as she threw him back onto their bed and stripped off his t-shirt and boxers with her biotics. "That's unfair Commander…but so true. Let me make you forget those terrible trollfics."Miranda purred, stripping and flinging her nightgown aside as the couple gave into their passions. For the next 5 hours.

Finally, Miranda lay asleep and sated, drooling on Shepard's shoulder as he turned on the holoscreen to the news. There was a report on how one 13 year old boy on Omega had hung himself because according to a suicide note he left behind, 'Commander Shepard was such a douchebag to me, saying he hated my fic and it was nothing more than a troll, and my extranet was blocked. My life has no more meaning'. "Or at least that's what we managed to make out with our advanced decryption robots, as it was so badly misspelled and the handwriting was close to illegible. In fact, it was so bad our decryption robots crashed twice."Alicia Sundance reported, shaking her head in disdain before looking back at the camera.

"Now to you, Emily."The pale woman disappeared and Emily Wong appeared on the screen, and in the background was an apartment on the Citadel cordoned off by C-Sec. "Well, this case is almost a carbon copy of the Omega one, except that the person who had committed suicide was in his 20s. Both this one and the person on Omega were social recluses and nobody really knew them. What is interesting is that both had almost the same suicide notes as both have called Commander John Shepard, the Savior of the Citadel, a total douchebag for hating their fics, and their loss of desire to live after they were blocked from the extranet after what seems to be a highly advanced hack attack. This is Emily Wong reporting from Kithoi Ward."Shepard's favorite reporter signed out as Shepard turned off the holoscreen.

Damn, Shepard thought. Not only had he ridden the galaxy of two spiteful little haters, he had gotten a totally loyal and undyingly selfless XO and lover, gotten rid of the Collectors, and gotten together the best team in the universe, which included Garrus, his good buddy, and Tali, his little sister. Yep, I'm GOOD. He grinned, clenching his right fist as he made a classic 'success kid' pose. What Shepard didn't know was that EDI was still watching, and it/she took a picture and posted it on the extranet. Thus, the wildly successful 'Success Shepard' extranet meme was born and lasted long after Shepard and Miranda's kids got their own kids.

Final notes: Review…or maybe not. But please, laugh at your local Miranda hater because they're a joke. And if you're pissed…well, shove it up your ass cause I'm only gonna go Trololo at your rage post. Out!