Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the characters used in this story.
Warning: Depressing subjects and graphic scenes of blood. One shot.
Hey Everyone! I had this really weird dream last night, and thought it would be a very interesting story. Hope you enjoy! ^_^
This couldn't be happening. She was still getting over the Sasuke incident the week before. If she lost Naruto too…
She couldn't let that happen.
Calm down . She told herself, taking a deep breath. Nothing happened. Kakashi just called me too Naruto's house is all. He's probably just sick or something.
She smiled as she walked down the quiet street. After Sasuke had left, she had realized that Naruto was actually a really cool person, and an even better friend. He had even offered to bring Sasuke back just for her.
After a few more minutes of walking, lost in her thoughts, she finally arrived at Naruto's small apartment building. She saw Kakashi at the top of the step leading to his front door, and started making her way up.
She was surprised that Kakashi wasn't inside, and that he wasn't reading his usual book. He was just staring at nothing. Actually she had never seen him so focused on anything, especially not nothing. Just as she was about to comment on her observations, "Sakura, we need to talk."
She was caught off guard by his sudden statement, but made no objections as she followed him to the roof. Kakashi sat on the opposite side of the roof from the side they had just come from. Sakura silently slid into place beside him.
She couldn't help but wonder why he was doing this. It wasn't like him at all. Something wasn't right. She couldn't shake off the new found feeling of dread that washed over her.
"Sakura," Kakashi almost whispered, "Something happened to Naruto."
What? No. Not Naruto. Not him too! Naruto is… Naruto is what?
"What happened?" She managed to choke out, holding back her sobs. It's probably not that bad.
"Sakura, he's dead" Kakashi said with more sorrow or even emotion then she'd ever heard out of her mentor.
Dead. The word rung endlessly through her mind. She felt the drop hit her hand before she even realized it had trailed down her face. Before she knew it small rivers were flowing from her aqua eyes, showing to the world her sadness.
Why Naruto? Why Now? Why me? She looked helplessly though her blurred vision at the darkening evening sky and cursed whatever god existed. She felt the pressure of Kakashi's arm encircling her shoulder's. She didn't care. All she cared about was releasing the pressure in her eyes and in her heart. She didn't register anything until she felt herself being lifted into strong arms. She could only guess it was her sensei.
Her mind shut down, blocking everything out, fearing letting in something that would cause more pain. The last thing she remembered was the familiar sound of rain tapping on her window as her mind shut off completely.
Kakashi's POV
Kakashi slowly made his way back to Naruto's apartment. He still had hard time comprehending his pupil's death. It was hard enough to admit that Naruto was dead, but to admit that he had committed suicide? Kakashi just couldn't accept that. Naruto was such a happy, determined person. He couldn't take his own life. Could he?
He turned the knob on the door to the apartment and pushed the door open to reveal one of the most devastating sites he had ever laid eyes on. All of his years as a ninja couldn't have prepared him to a site of his once bright eyed student sprawled out in a pool of his own blood.
That's how he was. He was in his normal attire, looking normal except for his head band, which was left in its place on his dresser. Kakashi worked his eyes down his student's body once more. Him unnaturally spiky blond hair was matted with blood where his head touched the floor. His once vibrant sea blue eyes were still open, but showed none of exuberant life they had less than 24 hours ago. His mouth was set into what appeared to be a small contented smile, drastically contrasting with the scene around him. The once tan skin on his face and neck were faded into a sickly pale that made the whisker marks on his face more pronounced. And then he reached his chest. Right where Naruto's heart was, a kunai stuck out, lifeless finger still slightly curled around it. A huge scarlet stain marked that that was the point where the river of blood had its source.
Kakashi turned away, unable to see the hyperactive boy in that state any longer. Even he couldn't help but be put in a better mood whenever the blond was around. He turned back around a few minutes later and kneeled next to the boys head. He gently placed his finger on the boy's eyelids, and closed the boy's eyes. It almost made him look like he was only sleeping.
"Why did you do this Naruto?" Kakashi asked the lifeless body, as if he truly believed it would answer him. As he was placing his hand on the floor to get up he felt a bump. He let his finger wrap around the unknown object and brought it up to his face.
A pen? Since when has Naruto been a writer? He looked around the room with suspicion. What was he writing on? I don't see any paper. For some reason he felt like this was important.
He started a thorough search of the small apartment. After ten minutes of no results in the living room, he decided to move on to the bed room. At first glance the room seemed normal. He decide to investigate around the bed, being able to envision the blond laying lazily on it while writing.
As he stepped closer though, his sensitive hearing picked up on a small, distinct noise. He lifted his foot and replaced it on the wood to be met with the same sound he had heard before. He bent down and knocked on the board he had just been standing on. A hollow sound reached his ears, and he began to run his finger along the board.
Soon he found a hole just big enough for two fingers, and lifted the plank of wood away to reveal a hollowed out space.
Bingo. Kakashi reached in and pulled out a lightly used journal from small space. He sat down and made himself more comfortable.
He undid the clasp and opened up to the first page. The writing on the page was far from neat, but not unreadable. Kakashi took a small moment to brace himself before beginning on the first entry, which was dated only a few days before Sasuke left.
Dear Journal,
Am I even supposed to do that? I don't really know but I already did so whatever. Anyways, the reason I'm doing this is because I can sense something. I don't know what it is, but something big is about to happen. It's weird, because nothing out of the normal is happening. Well, almost nothing. Sasuke has been really moody lately. I'm not certain, but I think he's going to be a big part of whatever is to come.
I guess another reason I started this is because I just needed a place that is my own. I can't even have my own thoughts to myself, so maybe if I record them here, after both Kyuubi and I forget them they can be in peace.
And about Kyuubi, things are getting worse. I can feel the seal fading, giving more and more control over the monster inside of me. It's getting harder to hold back the rage he makes me feel.
It's harder every day. To put on my smile and laugh at everything. To act stupid for everyone else's amusement. To be the person everyone thinks I am. If only I didn't have to wear this mask so much. But no one must know the real me, and I must wear the mask to keep it that way.
I almost wish someone did. That there was someone who actually cared enough to even try and get to know me enough to understand. Someone who knew me well enough to see that I was faking. But I know its better this way. Who wants to get to know a demon anyway? Certainly not the villagers. I got beat up again yesterday.
I was late for practice because I had to let the bruises fade. I wouldn't want to worry my team. Even though they probably don't care that much about me, I still care about them. Just knowing they don't hate me is enough. Although, if I didn't have to keep them happy I wouldn't have to play this game. I wonder if having to pretend to be happy all the time is better for me than being so depressed and lonely all the time? Would I be happier if I hadn't had to have made these connections? I honestly can't tell.
All I know is I don't want to hurt these people. And to think this all started as a small cover operation so I wouldn't cry at the academy all those years ago. Now I have to live up to these people's expectations as to not upset them.
I know pain, and wouldn't wish any pain on anyone. After knowing so much torture my only goal is to help prevent people from feeling the things I felt. I want to be able to know in my heart that I myself am a good person without Kyuubi's influences. Why not just make it to where I bear all the pain. I'm the most used to it, and can handle it the best. Plus these people are the closest I've come to truly caring about someone. I'd gladly sacrifice myself for their happiness.
Kakashi couldn't believe his eyes. Was this the truth? Was this the way the blond really felt.
Kakashi felt a pang of guilt. He admitted that he had paid more attention to Sasuke, seeing as they had very familiar fighting styles. He even remember when Naruto had asked him to train him for the Chunin Exams and had just blown the boy off. Why? Because he had wanted to train Sasuke. The same Sasuke that had just betrayed his village. Would things have been different if he had been a better sensei? If he had just showed he cared a little more would he still be alive?
Kakashi couldn't stop thinking about the hyperactive blond. He remembered how he was always going on about being Hokage, and had to wonder if that's what Naruto really wanted.
Running a hand through his hair he turned the page and started on the next entry for the day after.
Cleaning sucks. But it's my own fault. Actually I take that back. It's not my fault. I just have to live with the consequences. But honestly, I can't tell if I ransacked my apartment because of the rage Kyuubi was making me feel, or if it was because I hated that he was making me feel that way again. But it doesn't matter now. What's done can't be changed, and I still need to go buy some new dishes.
I'm starting to worry though, because this is the third episode this week. He just won't let up! I'm just so fucking angry all the time! It's making it harder to be around people especially my team. But they still haven't noticed anything.
Sasuke and I got into a huge fight today. The way I've been lately, I couldn't help but take the opportunity he gave me to fight him. We both got out of hand though. If Kakashi hadn't of intervened at the last second we could have really hurt each other.
I just don't know what to do about Sasuke anymore. He really acted like he wanted to kill me. Does he hate me? Just like all the others? No, I don't think so. But something is wrong with him. Ever since the Chunin Exams He's been different. I don't know what's wrong with him, but hopefully he'll let me help him. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with Orochimaru. I'm not even sure who that is, but I heard some of the jounin talking about it.
The secret side of me, I never let you see It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin I, I feel like a monster My secret side I keep hid under lock and key I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin It's hiding in the dark, it's teeth are razor sharp I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin I, I feel like a monster
I keep it caged but I can't control it
So stay away from me, the beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can't hold it
It comes awake and I can't control it
Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I keep it caged but I can't control it
'Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up, break me down
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
There's no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart
No one can hear me scream, maybe it's just a dream
Maybe it's inside of me, stop this monster
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I've gotta lose control, he something radical
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
For some reason I just got the sudden urge to write that. It's a pretty accurate description of my feelings though. I wonder what people would think if they knew I had a creative side.
Is this really how Naruto was? Was I so blind that I never had a clue who he really was? Kakashi thought solemnly as he flipped the page carefully. He Scanned the paragraphs over quickly and found that he wrote about his own suicide. Kakashi couldn't handle that. Not right now.
He closed the book and replaced it in the small hole. Once he replaced the board he headed out of Naruto's apartment. He stepped into the freezing rain, grateful for the numbing effect it had on his body. Despite the cloud filled sky, he still had a perfect view of the full moon.
He walked adamantly, not really going any particular place. Eventually his feet lead him to the monument by the training grounds that he knew all too well. For the first time that day he felt some small sense of comfort. "You wouldn't believe what happened today…"
Sasuke's POV
After he was sure Kakashi was gone, Sasuke made his way through Naruto's bedroom window. He was glad that his old sensei had been too distraught to sense him. He'd even been careless enough to allow him a perfect view of the journal he had found.
What he didn't understand, was why he couldn't finish it. Sasuke was pissed. The only thing he still liked about Konaha was that Naruto was there. But now, because of that wretched place, the closest thing he had to family was dead. He only wanted one thing more than to obliterate Konaha right now and that was to finish reading Naruto's Journal.
He removed the board and lifted the journal back out of the hole. He wasted no time, going straight to where Kakashi had left off.
Why? Why did he leave? What did I do? What didn't I do? Did he just get tired off me? Did he really hate me? I wish I knew.
I thought I was doing a good job. He was being more sociable and actually having a little fun. But I guess in the end I just wasn't good enough. He left, and despite what I told Sakura, I don't think we can ever get him back. If I couldn't stop him from leaving, how am I supposed to get him back?
Everyone should just stay away from me. I leave nothing but hurt and pain wherever I go. Everyone who gets too close to me pays the price. My parents were doomed the day I was born, and now Sasuke is suffering because of my existence. Is the same thing going to happen to Sakura and Kakashi? Would it have happened to Iruka if we were able to be together more? I had one simple task. One purpose for living, and I've failed it simply by being. What is there for my life now? All I want is to prevent people's pain and yet I'm the cause of it. I am the enemy of myself. I take away my own reason for living.
The people were right to hate me. I hate me, so how can I blame them for doing the same thing? Maybe if they had had their way, and I was dead, Sasuke would still be here. Maybe if I never existed, as so many of them wished, my parents would still be alive.
I don't deserve to live. I'm nothing but a monster. I should do the world one last favor, get rid of the biggest problem I know about. Me.
Sasuke was shocked. It wasn't Konaha's fault his favorite team mate was dead. It was his. He had no idea the blond would react so drastically. Great job idiot! Now he's dead! And it's your fault! Sasuke thought bitterly as he replaced the journal to its hiding spot. He made his way over to the dresser. Naruto's headband was sitting neatly folded on top, right in front of the picture of their entire team.
Sasuke wasn't usually a sentimental person, but he couldn't help himself from grabbing both the items. You had more of an impact than you knew. He checked the clock on Naruto's bedside table. He had to be back soon. I wonder if this is the right choice. Since it had caused Naruto's demise he highly doubted it. But his choice was already made and he had to stick by it. I'll never forget you, Naruto. With that thought, Sasuke left Konaha for the last time.
Naruto's POV (The previous night)
Naruto stuck the pen behind his ear, satisfied with his latest and final entry. He replaced the journal to its hiding spot and made way into the living room. His window there always had a great view. The night was calm, and a gentle breeze slowly swayed the leaves in the soft light. Since nearly all the lights in the city were off, Naruto could clearly see the thousands of stars the littered the night sky. The world is an amazing place. It's far too beautiful for a thing like me. He thought sadly.
He backed up until he felt his back hit the wall, and then let his body slid down to the floor. He reached down to the pouch on his thigh and removed the deadly kunai. He took a deep breath, preparing himself for what was to come. He still couldn't help the way his hands shook, or the way he could feel his heartbeat speeding up erratically. This is what's best for me and everyone else. I can… I can do this.
Despite what he told himself he couldn't deny that he was scared. He didn't want to die, but it was what was best. And then he felt them. Tears were slowly taking over his eyes and blurring his vision. I'm going to die anyways, what the point?
And he let go. He let go of all his pain, his stress, and his grief. He cried for what seemed like forever but he couldn't stop. Everything he'd been bottling up since he was 7, he let it all out. It felt good to release. For once in his life he didn't have to try to cover it up. He didn't have to hold back.
By the time he finished with his emotional breakdown, he could just see the begging of the sunrise. He wiped his face on his sleeve and grabbed the kunai that had been forgotten at his side.
I don't want to hurt anyone else. He thought as he positioned the tip just above his heart, which was surprisingly slow and steady. And I don't want to hurt anymore.
Naruto took one last breath, and plunged the kunai into his chest. He immediately felt the intense pain of his flesh being torn and ripped. Then he felt the warmth of his blood as it seeped out of would, covering his hand completely.
He felt his strength being drained from him, and could find the will to sit up any more, falling onto his side with a thud only to roll onto his back. He stared at the ceiling and his vision faded, and he could feel himself slipping in and out of consciousness. He only noticed that he was virtually lying in a pool of his own blood when he felt the warm stickiness on his ears.
And then all the pain suddenly stopped. He felt… nothing. It was actually quite peaceful. He was calm knowing that he would never experience pain again, or be able to be the cause of it. He vaguely realized that he wasn't breathing, but the fact didn't bother him. He vision failed him completely, and he knew his life was now officially over. Sakura… Kakashi… Sasuke… I'm sorry.