TITLE: Sam the Frog
AUTHOR: Tu
EMAIL:
CATEGORY: Challenge, humor
SPOILERS: Na
SEASON / SEQUEL: all
RATING: G
CONTENT WARNINGS: people being silly
SUMMARY: Response to Challenge #168
STATUS: Completed
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors. Sam the frog came from my warped and twisted brain.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: YEAH!!! Schools out. I found this story in my notes for my archeology dig in Mexico. It's taken me this long to get to it. Feedback is welcome. Ah, the life of a college student.:-)
Challenge #168: General Hammond thinks he's papa smurf, the line "My name's Dana Scully.", the problem of being blond finally catching up with Sam, and a burping frog.
"I hate that planet."
"Jack, it wasn't that bad."
"That bad? That bad! Daniel, look at me!"
"Sir, Janet said it was just a form of poison ivy."
"Carter, poison ivy itches and looks like a rash. It does NOT turn your skin GREEN!"
"Actually Colonel, I'd say you were more of an avocado."
"General Hammond, sir."
"Jack, good news and bad news. The good news is I found out how to turn your skin back to its normal color."
"What's the bad news?"
"Makepeace found out."
"Hey, O'Neill, smile."
"MAKEPEACE!"
"That is gonna make one interesting Christmas card."
"Your dead when I get out of her."
"O'Neill, I believe we have a problem."
"What now Teal'c?"
"I was unloading DanielJacksons artifacts ad..."
"Mommy! Have I told you what a great and pretty and smart mom you are?"
"What did you do?"
"Nothing!"
"What do you want?"
"This." Cassie pulled her hands from behind her back. In her hands was a huge...frog?
"What is that?"
"That is the problem, O'Neill."
"Can I keep her, Mom? Pleasepleasepleaseplease? I'll take care of her. And she and Jack won't fight. Pleasepleasepleaseplease?"
"Cassie, sweetie, I don't know..."
"Pleasepleasepleaseplease?"
"Cassie!"
"Cassie, can I see the um, frog?"
"Sure, Sam met Sam."
"You named it Sam?"
"Yeap."
"Cassie, Sam and I are going to have to, um... study 'Sam' "
"Okay. Don't dissect her."
"Cassie, come on, you can help me... catalog artifacts."
"YES!!!!"
"Daniel, don't let her play that...slam..video game."
"Holy Hanna! That is the ugliest thing I've ever seen."
The frog(for lack of a better name) was yellow-orange
With black, marone, and lime green stripes. It had a bright red belly with purple spots. It was the size of a house cat. 'Sam' sat o a table over Jack's bed. It stared at them.
"O'Neill, what is this?"
"It's a frog...I think."
"Doctor Fraiser, Captain Carter, I want the two of you to study..."
Burp
"Did that thing just burp?"
"Oh my God!"
"Oh my God!"
The frog (they all conceded it was a frog) jumped around on Jack's table. It (the frog) was just a little confused. Where was that little one?
"I'll be in my office. Grumbling one comes back green, and they bring back a huge frog."
Ribbit
"Let's get something to put it in."
Ribbit
"Man, look at those legs."
Ribbit
"Sir, don't poke the frog, or it will..."
WHACK
"Kick you in the face! Janet did you see that?"
"Amazing"
"Mmhamjum ms m ming mto mill mit."(What's amazing is I'm going to kill it.)
"O'Neill, I do not believe I know this language you speak."
"Mmheal'c, mhut mup."(Teal'c shut up)
" Jack laughing let me...let me...let me look at...hahahahahahahah."
"MHANET! Mow!"( JANET! OW!)
"Janet, this is...mpth,mpth,...hahahahahahah."
"Mhater, meventumh mim manaa metmup."(Carter, eventually I'm gonna get up)
"Meventumh mim manaa met mup? What language is that? I think we need Daniel."
" O'Neill.."
"MWHAT!"
"I believe the animal has left."
The frog had indeed left. At the time of Teal'c's statement, it was happily hopping down the hall. It was having a merry time. It would hop twice to the left, the twice to the right. (Ok, it wasn't going anywhere very fast, but it's a frog)'What a nice, cool place. I wonder if there is any water near here?' As luck would have it, there was water near by. The frog hopped through the door to the locker room. Unfortunately, the showers were not empty.
Meanwhile...
"I can't believe you let it get away."
"Mpe? Mom mis mhis m malt?"(Me, how is this my fault)
"You poked it, so it kicked you. Then while we were busy helping you it left."
"Mou mean mhen mou mhere maughing mat me."
"Colonel O'Neill? What happened?"
"General Hammond, sir, the frog kicked Colonel O'Neill in the mouth."
"I can see that, Captain. Why are you wondering around?"
"MHe mog mopped ma may."
"What?'
"The frog hopped away. Jack, why are you talking like that?"
"YOU LOST SAM?"
"Cassie, the frog..."
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHH,
AAAAAAHHHHHHHH,
AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"
"I think we found where the frog went."
Jack, Sam, Daniel, Cassie, and General Hammond rushed into the locker room. Three female members of SG8 were staring in at the showers. There in the water from the showers was the frog.
"Sam!"
Ribbit, burp
The water around the frog turned brown and a strange smell filled the air.
"Ooops."
"Cassie, that was my coffee."
Sorry, Daniel. AaAHHH! Sam's sitting in it."
Cassie picked up the frog. Meanwhile Jack and General Hammond were busy staring at the heating duct in the ceiling. (The three woman had luckily grabbed towels before the group had burst in. jack and the General were both being gentlemen.) The three women knew they were less than dressed, but were busy staring at Jack's skin.
"Oh, Sam, what happened? Did they scare you?"
Um, could we leave now?"
"Mes, mhet's met mout mof mhere."
"Come on, Sam. You can come with me."
Ribbit
Three hours later...
"General Hammond, sir, we still haven't been able to study the frog."
"Dr. Jackson, what's the problem?"
"Cassie won't let us have it. She says that Sam has been traumatized enough for today."
"Send her in."
"Hello General Hammond. You want me to let my MOM AND Sam study Sam, don't you?"
"It would help."
"Okay, with me, but I need to ask Sam."
"Um, okay."
Sam the frog had been hopping around the General's desk. You must understand something about the kind of frog Sam was. They burp. When they burp, they release a chemical. (Being a frog, Sam did not know this) The chemical they released made people a little, oh, I don't know, loopy.
BURP
Sam the frog burped on General Hammond. Cassie and Daniel stared at him. He looked like he was stoned.
"Um, General Hammond? Sir?"
"Janet, I think you better get in here."
"What happened to him?"
"Sam burped on him."
"Mheneral, mhe mecrtary mof mtate mis mere."(General, the secretary of state is here)
General Hammond continued to stare straight ahead. Another thing about the chemical the frog released was that a person seemed to be out of it. After an hour or two, the first thing they saw, they would act like.
BURP
Sam burped on Janet.
"Jack, I think you're in charge of the base.""Mater, mart morking mon ma may mto mhelp mJanet and mthe MGeneral. MDAniel, myou mstay mith me. Meal'c take Cassie and that thing to the infirmary along with Janet and the General."
One hour later...
:La, lalalalal lalalala la. La ;a lalalal la lala la.'
General Hammond 'woke up'. Cassie and Sam the frog were watching the Smurfs.
Ribbit
"No, Sam. Stop trying to eat the Smurfs."
"Hello, Smurfette."
"Hu? General, your awake."
"No, Smurfette, I'm Papa Smurf. Where are the others? The bayberry's will not pick themselves."
"Um, ookkkaaaayyyyy. The others, their...in there."
"Thank you, Smurfette. Don't be long."
"Sam, I think I better turn the channel."
Ribbit
"Oh, look the X-Files."
"Oooohhhhhh."
"Mom?"
"I'm sorry little girl, I'm not your mother."
"Oookkkaaayyyy! Um, who are you?"
" My name is Dana Scully."
"Um, alright. You, uh, might want to go talk to Jack."
"Thank you little girl. What an interesting frog."
"Sam, I don't think we should watch anymore TV."
Two hours later...
"Agent Scully, I assure you we need your help."
"What's the problem, captain Carter?"
"Well, Cassie's frog. Gassed Dr. Fraiser and General Hammond."
"Are, tell me you have a clue what to due?"
"Sir?"
"Oh, there you are. Come along my little Smurfs, we have lots of bayberries to pick."
"Dad?"
"Come along."
"Jack, we have a problem."
"Mulder, what are you doing here?"
"Um, Skinner sent me...to help you."
"Sam, some old guy is out here acting like Teal'c."
"Cassie, did the frog burp on the Secretary of State?"
"I think so."
Jack took General Hammond to his office with the promise that all the Smurfs were there. Daniel took Janet to the infirmary. (Jack and Sam were both amazed that Daniel even knew what the X-Files were let alone watched tem. Sam remembered that Scully and Mulder kissed. So maybe...) Teal'c took the Secretary to one of he gyms to work out. Makepeace was stuck watching Cassie and Sam the frog in the lounge.
Sam was busy working in her lab.
"Excuse me." A voice said.
"Yes" Carter said not looking up.
"I'm looking for General George Hammond."
"He's, um, not available at the moment."
"How about Colonel Jack O'Neill?"
"Same."
"How about Captain Samantha Carter?"
"You're talking to her."
"Your Jacob's daughter."
"Yes," Sam finally looking up, "Oh my God!"
"No, I'm not God." The man said laughing.
"Mr. President, sir, I..."
" Did ya find Hammond yet?"
"Captain Carter meet Admiral Ozaukee."
"Well?'
"George is busy."
"Busy? Doing what? Why are you staring at me?
" Admiral Ozaukee, sir, I.."
"Whatever.grumbling as he walks out sure, leave a blond in charge."
Two hours later...
SGC was back to normal. Jack was no longer green. Sam figured out that the chemical Sam the frog sprayed was for protection and wore of after a few hours. The Secretary of State learned all about Jaffa training and weapons. General Hammond stopped trying to pick bayberries and gave the President a tour. Janet returned to normal. Daniel spent most of the time avoiding Janet. Cassie was given Sam the frog.
For those who are wondering...AdmiralOzaukee somehow broke his nose. (He called Sam a blond bimbo one t many times and a door magically hit him in the face.) Jack got back at Makepeace for the picture. (He had Sam the frog burp on him. Then made sure Jack the dog was the first thing he saw.) Mulder and Scully kissed...alot. (Hence why Daniel was avoiding Janet...at first.) The President decided that SGC needed more funding. (He actually was glad Sam broke Ozaukee's nose. He found him annoying)
Sam the frog and Jack the dog hit it off marvously. Sam the frog was given a diet supplement by Sam the human to make her burps not so bad. Jack forgave Sam the frog for kicking him in the face and built her a habitat. (Which promptly fell apart. Teal'c and Daniel built a new one, which fell apart as well. General Hammond had someone else build one, which did not fall apart. Cassie was ordered NEVER t bring Sam back on base.)
Author's notes: I just had this thought...what is a bayberry? Why is there only one female Smurf?