The Tale of Theon's Cock
In the land of Westeros, there lived a young lad by the name of Theon Greyjoy. His was a well known name among the people of the North, and even in the South. Possibly, in the West, and perhaps the East, even. The folk of Westeros, however, did not know Theon for just his name, though. Nor did they know him for his Lord Father, Balon Greyjoy, and the revolution he hosted not many years before. Not even for his standing as the ward of Eddard Stark. No, no. What Theon was known for was something much more... intimate.
His cock.
Many a time, people would find themselves pondering the mysteries of this particular member, their minds contemplating how it worked on so many ladies. It was truly a daunting thought, similar to the creation of the universe. There could never be a definite conclusion to the source of Theon's great dick power, it was just another legend in the making.
But, that being said, it was in a small pub that this very mystery was questioned.
A bard, strangely reminiscent of a younger Ned Stark, stood atop a bucket, his voice soaring over the likes of the others. "IN THE LAAAAAAND OF WINTERFELL, THERE LIVED A GREYJOY." He began, but as though on queue, Theon Greyjoy himself walked through the tavern doors.
"I'll have two mugs of ale," He spoke to the barmaid, Bethyn. "One for me and one for the pretty lady," Theon winked at a young girl sitting on the bar, though she gave only a roll of the eyes in reply.
Theon laughed at her resistance, slapping the man that sat next to her and watching as he quickly galloped away, "Only trying to have a bit of fun." He explained, sitting on the barstool, "But for real, when you play the game of Theons, you drink with me or you die."
"Why?"
Theon looked aghast, no one had ever questioned his ways before. Who was this strange stranger? "What? Why? Why? Because, that is the way it has always been, wench!" He sent a wink towards Bethyn, "Bethyn knows, the whore." She giggled a whore-y giggle, "You drink with me and then we have sex and you marvel at the wonders of my penis. That's how it works here." Everyone in the pub cheered.
"What is so special about your penis?" She asked, and Theon spit his drink out onto Bethyn's chest. She laughed in response to this. Such a whore.
"What is so- are you joking?" He stared at her incredulously, the entire room suddenly engulfed in the silence, hanging on what words would soon come after. The silence was put to an end however, as the bard sang out suddenly:
"NEXT STORY IS ABOUT A HEAD, SITTIN ON A SPIKE, THE HEAD STRANGELY LOOKS A LOT LIKE MINE... ONLY ITS NOT."
It was.
"Who are you?" Theon demanded of the girl. Never in his 19 years had he been in such a situation with a woman before. It only goes to show, he thought, it only goes to show. What it was that went to show is still unknown, however.
"No one." She answered, sipping from the ale at hand.
"Well," Theon scoffed, "No one, how about we take this party upstairs so I can show you what you've been missing in your sad, pathetic life?" Insulting the girl always helped, he found. Even though, that never helped.
Stormbasket began dancing like a man, slipping on a banana peel and earning a laugh from the crowds and a broken nose. "May Brother Irmo grant you a fast recovery!" Said a man in the back. No one knew what the fuck he was talking about.
"No." The girl answered stubbornly, and Theon, enraged at this change in events leapt up on the bar.
"Fine! Then you shall all see the glory of my cock!" No one knew why he was doing this, though they all watched with interest. A hundred leagues away, Balon Greyjoy shivered.
Before Dresslad had the time to work this into his song, Theon unfastened his skirts and pants, letting them fall to reveal a glowing, golden light emulating from his midsection.
"He smells of the sea..." A woman named Ruinwen muttered, no one knew the relevance of this comment, but as they were all too fascinated with Theon's rod of life.
"Behold people of Westeros!" He sang out, suddenly all his words were like music to the ears of all those in the pub. It was as though Theon himself was one of the gods... the god of cock. He looked proudly around the room, satisfaction building in him at the amazed looks on all the faces. His cock was certainly spellbinding. Finally, his eyes fell on the young girl who questioned his grace, and he noticed that a tear had fallen from her eye.
"So... beautiful," She sobbed, and Theon pulled his garments back on, hopping down from the bar and gracefully landing on his feet.
"Come, girl, let us celebrate this beauty with a fuck." He took her hand, leading her away to the one of the over night rooms. A fine lover he would make, indeed. (Ask Bethyn, the whore)
"Fuck..." A man whispered, looking around at the others in the bar, all mutually in confusion over how one cock could have so much power.
And from this day on, the mystery of Theons dick was never questioned again.
A/N: Before you ask in a review that I will most likely not care about, no. No, this is not serious. And yes, this is troll, Congratulations for figuring it out! Also, Happy Birthday, Casey, you perfect human being! 3